What would you think to see a fellow mum in the foodbank

[PodgeBod]

Just wondering. We have really suffered recently and I'm considering taking food from the local food banks. I can afford food but cannot afford even second hand winter clothing. It has become a delicate balancing act. Should I buy a hat, gloves and scarf set for my 3 kids or a weeks worth of shopping? Socks or bread? I'm so embarrassed but at the point where we cannot go on without help. But terrified a local mum will see us and spread it as gossip.

Have you tried some local Facebook free stuff groups? Sometimes people give away bags of clothes. Or you can get things like gloves and scarves in Poundland.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling OP. Please don’t feel ashamed. Food banks often have lots of resources to help and may be able to give you more support.

I refer people to food banks in my capacity within a small organisation. Especially now, all sorts of people are in need of help and I think people recognise that.
As others have said, the only people took see there are those in the same position as you, as those who are sympathetic to prime in your position. And the volunteers will have to have agreed to keep information confidential, so they're not allowed to gossip about recipients even if they wanted to. Which they won't.

Please go. I know people find it hard the first time, but it's there for people in your position.

Worth looking into whether you have a local school bank or clothes bank too. The one local to us has been distributing warm clothes this year in addition to usual school uniform items, partly because so many people are struggling and partly because schools have been really cold due to open windows etc.

And no, I wouldn’t judge. I think it’s much more that those who use one themselves or who volunteer at one would have empathy and understanding than judgement. Otherwise they wouldn’t be there.

How old are your children OP? If they're in primary school, do your school have any sort of clothes bank? Ours have winter coats and accessories which have been handed in once too small for who ever had it (only accepted if in good condition). Maybe when the schools open for key workers kids you could ask?

I would be sorry that things were so tough, want to help, and hope that the favour was returned for me when I was struggling.

The only judgement I would feel would be towards a society that allows people to struggle.

Please go and get help with food and buy your kids warm clothes. Nobody will judge.

I volunteer in a food bank and have once seen someone I knew. I didn’t acknowledge I knew them at the time and ensured I didn’t serve them so they wouldn’t feel awkward. I would never breathe a word to a soul, even my husband (who also knows them). IF someone did see you and gossip, anyone worth caring about would be judging the person gossiping not you.

Please do use it.

Been there OP, food banks don't feel like you might expect, it's all very business-like and upbeat and I left feeling none of the embarrassment I thought I would. We looked fine on the surface too, still running a half decent car (essential for DH's work which was all the income we had) and no one would have guessed how bad things actually were. Any one of us can find ourselves where you are, especially now, I hope things get better for you this year

I'd invite them for dinner

Jesus Christ, really?!? I would be mortified!

There but for the grace of God - any of us could have a run of bad luck and need help.

I'd never judge a mum for using a foodbank, you've got to feed your kids, doesn't really matter how you do it xx

If they see you in the food bank that would mean they either are using the food bank themselves, or are working at the foodbank or donating something. I don't think any of those categories of people would be judgemental about you being there.

@EllJ

I would think that like so many people you have been dealt a horrible hand and are going through a really rough patch. These resources are there to help you for as long as you need them and there is absolutely nothing shameful or embarrassing about feeding and clothing your children. Please don't worry; nobody is ever in a place to judge but anyone working there will be more than understanding of your situation.

This. Absolutely this.

Asking for help is such a hard thing to do! It’s very natural to worry about it. But you just have to see it as one of the many difficult and brave things you have to do as a mum. Ask for help and hold your head high while you do it. So many families need foodbanks. The shame should go to the government for making it so bloody hard for families. It is NOT your shame.

I volunteer at a food bank. All referrals receive a private delivery via a local van/ car. No one would guess it was a food bank donation.
Ask on Facebook for winter clothes. Many people want to help without judgement.

Nothing. Literally nothing. When l was a community mental health nurse l would give my clients who needed it a lift to their local one. We all need a helping hand sometime 🤷‍♀️

Some people will judge. Sadly, that's life. There are a lot of people who just can't imagine how someone could end up in that situation. And there are a lot who can imagine it, and instead of feeling sympathy, they judge out of fear. Fear it could happen to them, or fear that we live in a society where there is plenty of money and yet people go hungry.

Hold your head high and do what you need to do to survive. I've donated to food banks and I've taken from food banks. I judge people for many things but not having enough money is never one of them.

If they judge you then they aren't friends so I wouldn't worry. We all may need help at times and we don't know when that will be.

You might find they have warm hats & things there. My Mum has been so bored (widow & over 70) that she has started knitting bobble hats & scarfs. The local food bank were happy to take them.

As well as a food bank, we also have a Facebook group locally where we give kids' stuff away for free. There's no means testing of anything and people can ask for what they want as well as post what they have - I like it because it helps me declutter and I'd much rather my stuff goes on to be used than goes to sit in landfill. All the charity shops are full after lockdown. You might well have something similar in your area.

There would be no judgement from me whatsoever because my own DD would have to use one if I didn't help her out with other things as she's single parent on minimum zero contract hours and has no help whatsoever to pay private rent which is over half her wages ( can't get council house in town she was born and always lived in). Needs be needs must but check if u can get extra help clothes wise and monetary too.

Thanks for all the kind responses. Its probably silly to worry so much when I know my family needs come first. I just couldn't have imagined a year ago that I would even be considering this.

@HappyDays10101

I'd invite them for dinner

Jesus Christ, really?!? I would be mortified!

Why? A Friend of ours lost his job and we had them for dinner every week through that time. It’s one less meal they didn’t have to worry about.

No way would I judge anyone that was going through hard times, do what’s best for your family.

How old are your kids op?
I’ve got 2 under 6 year old and could send some warm clothes.

We also have a local charity who provide clothes and equipment for kids. It’s worth a look in your area.

Reach out for help- it’s what it’s there for.

Ive been there op and been to a food bank. Honestly I don't think any local mum would start gossiping about you. Even if they did they would be quickly shot down.