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Original poster

Adults complaining about presents

132 replies

elleps · 25/12/2020 20:25

Does anyone else find this absurd? Or have I just been lucky to like any gift I’ve had?

I find it so distasteful and embarrassing. If there’s something you really want surely you get it yourself anyway! Of course it’s nice receiving a gift but the drama over not getting exactly what you wanted... I don’t get it!

OP posts:

eaglejulesk · 26/12/2020 02:23

Some people can't afford to just go out and buy whatever they want whenever they want. Perhaps these gifts will be the only 'treats' they will get in a year. I can see why it would be disappointing seeing money wasted on awful gifts when you know it could have covered the cost of whatever it was you really want but can't afford.

I can't afford to just go out and buy whatever I want, but I don't expect other people to give me the things I really want, and am happy with whatever I'm given. If I thought something was really awful then that thought is kept to myself. Like the OP I find it distasteful to complain to others.

Frenchdressing · 26/12/2020 02:30

Present buying is tricky. You have to get something someone really wants but it has to be a surprise. That’s not easy. Some people are good at this. Many are not.

If getting the right gift is important then people should just ask for what they want IMO,

Catsup · 26/12/2020 02:57

My family are very much in the group of we all ask what each other would like or need. So say someone says pj's, we'll then ask the size cotton/flannel preference or whatnot, and then spend whatever our respective budget is. I like to think of it as not so much 'grabby' vs actually knowing the person is getting something they'll want and use. However that aside I always say thank you regardless of whatever I get as it really is the thought that counts. DPs haven't got out shopping this year for obvious reasons, and aren't exactly Internet savvy, so it was money in a card and I'll buy something I like and send them pics.

NiceGerbil · 26/12/2020 03:20

Is this about the threads where the women have got literally nothing? Or something obviously shit. From their OH?

Or something else.

Figgyboa · 26/12/2020 06:43

Yes, totally agree! Firstly you shouldn't give to receive and secondly, material much??

Dovesandkisses · 26/12/2020 06:51

Totally agree!

Porridgeoat · 26/12/2020 06:52

We work from lists. Everyone in my family and extended family has their own list. Makes secret Santa so easy and gift buying is very environmental and not wasteful financially. We all have things we need or want. This year I got a cookbook I wanted and a specific beautiful table lamp from John Lewis. These are all things I liked and would have needed to save for.

We never used to use lists and used to get quite random gifts. It was quite sweet and funny seeing what people would buy. We would always do a charity shop drop in the new year and I saw that as positive and charitable. We only moved on to using lists when we became time short (both working more then full time) and it made arranging Xmas easier and less stressful.

Sarahandduck18 · 26/12/2020 06:57

If someone’s ‘love language’ is gift giving/receiving then they will feel rejected/unloved if they get a shit gift.

It’s like saying I love you and getting no reply.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/12/2020 08:53

I find it odd too. As an adult you can shop when you like and buy what you like. So if you really want something then you buy/save for it.

It seems to range from how could the ILs spend more on their own child and not others to slating gifts that may not have been what the person hoped for. I don’t get the angst over monetary spending or the gift not being to taste, either you like a gift and keep it or you pass to charity or offer it to someone else it on so no waste.

PatchworkElmer · 26/12/2020 09:04

I think it depends!

I felt really sorry for ‘hoover lady’ yesterday. This year, DH and I have bought something ‘for the house’, but we agreed on it together and said that Christmas gifts to each other would be a token amount as a result. I would’ve been hurt if he’d bought me the item ‘for Christmas’ without discussion, and had a load of thoughtful gifts from me in return. Especially if the item in question was more of a gift for him than me.

I’ve got a friend who is awful with gifts- will send us all an Amazon wish list for herself and her daughter (without being asked!) all of the items have a value of £15+. So having spent that, I was astonished that last year for Christmas she gave me a clearly re-gifted bath set (she knows I can’t used fragranced bath stuff because I GAVE her a Lush gift set I received in the work secret Santa a few years ago and explained that fragranced stuff upsets my skin, so she might as well have use of it). Toddler DS got 2 second hand formal shirts (how many formal shirts does a small child need?) She gave another friend’s child a second hand dress with a stain on. Other friend was on maternity pay, utterly skit, and cried when gift was opened. It’s not about the money, it’s about the thought (or lack thereof). Having basically insisted on exchanging gifts, she made us all feel really crappy.

She sent us her wish list this year, and I said I wasn’t buying gifts for friends/ friends kids any more.

Generally I agree with you, but sometimes I think feeling upset is entirely justified.

HappydaysArehere · 26/12/2020 09:47

I can only remember a friend years ago being upset by her dh buying a washing machine ( with a big bow attached) for her Christmas present.

FireUnderpants · 26/12/2020 09:51

SIL is notorious for sulking/complaining / stropping over gifts.
Last year she watched her 2 brothers open their gifts then googled the cost of them. When hers came up £10ish cheaper she spent the rest of the day 'jokingly' hinting at her mum that she was wondering where her other gift was. She's in her 40s.

ImRealHonest · 26/12/2020 10:05

I’ve had it in the past where it’s not been about not liking the gift, but more about the sheer lack of consideration and thought.

Husband buying me pierced earrings when I didn’t have pierced ears (we’d been together 10 years and did didn’t know), and buying me random camera tat that I would never use but he would. The one year he asked me what I wanted, I said a black handbag for work with a shoulder strap. I got a bright purple, ridiculously expensive, clutch bag.

It’s not whinging about shit gifts, for me it was about realizing that he both didn’t listen or give a fuck.

rosie39forever · 26/12/2020 10:08

I don't get it either, I don't expect anyone to buy me any thing, if someone gives me a gift then I'm grateful, if it's something I don't want or need then I say thank you and later donate to charity or the school raffle. My friends dh gives her a list every year and if it's not all bought wrapped and given he sulks for days...he's 53 ffs crazy and entitled.

sneakysnoopysniper · 26/12/2020 10:14

I was taught up to express appreciation and to thank the giver for any gift I was given, even if I didnt like it. Possibly because when I was a child in the 1950s there was very little money about for gifts and the like. I dont expect other people to understand my very eclectic taste. So if I was asked what I wanted I would always suggest a book or gift token so I could buy what I wished. Some gifts have quickly ended up in the bin or the charity shop but I would never have let the giver know how I felt. Its just bad manners. And this would be my response to someone who complained about a gift.

Nanasplit · 26/12/2020 10:16

My MIL got us a pot of past-its-sell-by-date clotted cream and a jar of roasted peppers! She gave DH's sister and her DH a huge box of Hotel Chocolat chocolates. It's pretty difficult not to be offended by that! She basically gave us remnants from her fridge

Not her worst behaviour so we have taken it lightly but it is still hurtful!

Nanasplit · 26/12/2020 10:43

...and that's how to kill a thread

legallybland · 26/12/2020 10:50

I do understand the ones who put loads of time and effort into trying to make other people have a nice Christmas but nobody does the same for them or acknowledges their effort. You feel pretty invisible and unloved and a bit daft too (me today!).

But the ones moaning that their husbands got them the wrong colour of silk pyjamas need a hard stare and a talking to!

EleanorOalike · 26/12/2020 11:28

I think it depends on if it’s someone who complains to the gift giver etc, or someone who privately expresses disappointment to their OH over an item that was bought buy someone else.

For example, the person I live with could clearly see by my facial expression (I’m not a liar nor an actor) when I opened one of my gifts from a friend that I had very complicated feelings! I was utterly shocked to receive an expensive designer handbag from this friend and really dismayed that after going to such extreme thought and expense, she’s bought one that I’d never ever have wanted or chosen for myself (it’s very much her own taste, in an extreme colour that’s quite impractical). I was horrified as I’d only spent £30 on her as that’s our usual budget and also felt upset for her that she’d spent so much on making something special when my genuine response is that I really really strongly dislike it. Of course, I phoned her and told her I was over the moon with it and totally shocked that she’d spoiled me so much. I see her most days (we work together) so I will HAVE to use this bag most days or she will be upset and offended.

To make matters worse, another colleague bought me a branded wallet from a charity shop. It IS my taste but it’s well used and quite manky. And completely clashes with the bag. And now I have to use both those items most days so they can see they are getting used.

I wouldn’t dream of complaining to either of them. But the person I live with knows they were a disappointment although of course I did mask it as much as I possibly could. They were more blunt - “oh nooooo it’s been such a lovely thought but it’s awful!!! Who would buy that colour bag for anyone?!” “Ahhh it’s been lovely but now it’s knackered. They just should have got you a box of chocs. What a shame.”

Anyone who complains to the gift giver or throws a massive strop is a dick. But I don’t think it makes you a terrible human being to privately feel disappointed by certain gifts.

dayslikethese1 · 26/12/2020 11:55

I don't understand why ppl are so upset by "generic" gifts like bath stuff or socks. At least those can be used and don't take up loads of space.

dayslikethese1 · 26/12/2020 12:01

I think if it causes a load of angst probably best to just agree not to do presents anymore, less stress and less waste all round.

ByersRd · 26/12/2020 13:08

For me the angst is hating waste. Items or money. Everyone works so hard for their money.

I received a silk cami set...beautiful but £70.00!
£70.00 to wear to bed....

I wouldn't spend that amount on any item of clothing.

NiceGerbil · 26/12/2020 15:24

No one answered if this is about the women posting about getting nothing at all from their OH, when she had done all the work for Xmas and got all the presents for everyone including his family etc.

Or the women who have been given something truly shit/ thoughtless.

Is this about them? I feel sorry for them.

mam0918 · 26/12/2020 19:50

@Brefugee

Gosh, though, the privilege oozing out of "just buy it yourself" and "writing a list like a child" is staggering.

For a lot of people christmas gifts are a chance to either have something nice that you wouldn't buy for yourself (can't afford it, don't believe you deserve treats etc) or someone wants to treat you to something but don't want to waste money/resources on something that you won't use (hence lists)

And then the whole pass-ag gift giving is a whole other topic.

Just be happy you enjoy your gifts, and let people vent if they want. dong it here is, for some people, a way to articulate it without offending (or worse) the gift giver.

I would be mortified to ask someone to buy me a luxuary I deemed far too expensive to buy myself... talk about being a grabby hand out moocher.

and no Im not rich by any strech, I live in one of the poorest parts of the country and even by standard here our income is classed as 'poverty' but if I want something expensive I save up, I dont demand it then expect others to buy it.

mam0918 · 26/12/2020 19:57

I will say I have always been pissed off at secret santas (but never said anything) because I always seem to get the most thoughtless gift (one year someone gave me a free leaflet from the works lobby as my 'gift' )

one year my DH bought me weight lifting and excersize equiptment while I was undergoing IVF and hopefully about to be pregnant. I dont nor ever have lifted weights but he does and he had wanted a home gym (which we wouldnt have room for with a new baby) + it was pretty much all he got me after a hard year, it didnt go down well, probably the only time I have ever let someone know how badly they fucked up.

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