Adults complaining about presents

[elleps]

Does anyone else find this absurd? Or have I just been lucky to like any gift I’ve had?

I find it so distasteful and embarrassing. If there’s something you really want surely you get it yourself anyway! Of course it’s nice receiving a gift but the drama over not getting exactly what you wanted... I don’t get it!

I love lists and we always do them. Sometimes they're very specific, for example DH sends me links to specific tools and equipment he wants and I wouldn't know where to start. Other times it's more open ended, for example my Mum asked for some spring flowering bulbs, MIL asked toe a new cosy blanket.
We don't do presents for adults beyond immediate family (parents, siblings and grandparents on the rare occasion they don't ask us to refrain).
It's definitely much easier and then everyone gets something they like. DH and I also throw in extras for each other, but if you can't buy your spouse a good gift then there's something wrong.

I only come on mumsnet on Christmas day for this exact reason, just to have a laugh

oh god the dreaded 3 for 2 and the microbeads or god knows what in them @LolaSmiles yet we are socially addicted to it. and yet... I think there's still something amazing in it though and its not all conditioning. imagine cavemen actually giving someone a prized piece of meat or something! its just gone a bit wrong now

For the most part I agree, it is pathetic.

Occasionally though, I have read some dreadful examples of gifts. Only in the last few days there was a thread from an OP whose MIL had given a can of deodorant for Christmas. That does seem pretty awful to me.

I also remember a post from someone who had been given a pork pie as a birthday present. I think even I would be pissed off about that.

A few years ago dh didn’t bother to get me a card or present for my birthday. Or to get me one from my (then) small children. Or to encourage Dd (who needed no excuse to start chucking paint around the kitchen) to make me something.

I was hurt. Very hurt. At the time the kids were small. I was both the primary carer to them, the main earner and I did nearly all the night wakings (of which there were many). (Before anyone wonders if the poor lamb was exhausted from being the main / sole breadwinner.)I was mentally and physically exhausted. And dh didn’t think I was worth a 10 minute trip to the 24 hour supermarket that is 1. Less than a mile from our house. 2. Actually on his way home from work. The weekend before he had spent 4 hours watching Andy Murray win the Rio gold. But I wasn’t worth 10 minutes.

It made me realise just how low I was in his priorities and how little I mattered to him. Our marriage was seriously damaged that day.

I don’t think that makes me a princess. It makes me someone who deserved better.

I genuinely don't understand why buying for adults is still a thing. I tell people not to buy anything for me as there is genuinely nothing I want/need, but on another thread I was told that this was a really selfish attitude.

I feel the same way. We have an agreement to keep presents to £10-15 for adults. I enjoy giving to those who like receiving presents, but there is nothing I want or need myself. I would agree not to give to them if it would mean they would stop buying for me though. My 14 year old doesn't want or ask for much either, he questioned why my sibling sent him money when they have a young child and don't have much themselves.

kowari
I see your view on that.

We've done the opposite and tend to spend more but the circle of adults is smaller. I'd much rather buy my parents, DH's parents and our siblings one nicer present each than buy for extended family with a lower limit. It does help that none of us are big spenders most of the time so it is nice to receive gifts.

I find £10-15 would be things I'd typically buy as and when I need them, or it would be token gifts that wouldn't get used.

Generally I 100% agree. But I have a friend whose husband is truly decent but always picks crap gifts, not cheap ones, just nothing attuned to her personality. Think a fancy coffee maker when she doesn’t drink coffee. So she decided to nicely spell out Exactly what she’d like, nothing expensive or over the top. She still didn’t get them! In his case I think it’s definitely a case of always being only 20% there’ when talking to her. He just tunes her out. In that case I’d be upset too.

But other situations? Heck I’m so happy someone thought of me. Unless it’s a mean sentiment disguised as a gift (I know those can happen) I truly don’t care.

As a pp said, moaning/ disppointment is usually not when someone has really tried but not quite hit the mark, but the lack of effort. Dp today didnt get any of 3 things i had mentioned, but bought me 3 things i neither need nor like. He has plenty of money, but clearly couldn't be bothered putting any effort or planning in. That has disappointed me, especially as i take on all the 'work' of Christmas (buying and wrapping all dc's presents, cooking, shopping etc).

@LolaSmiles These are people who all want to buy for me and would continue if I stopped buying for them. It's only 7 adults. £10-15 works for us, couples would spend £20-30 and we arrange between ourselves to put in for something bigger.

Buying equipment for a hobby that they don't do because you think they'd enjoy it, or a cardigan in a style totally different to what they normally wear would probably get a polite thank you from most people and then it wouldn't get used.
Would you really know what style of clothes to get for most people? I would have no idea. Even friends I’ve seen regularly for years, I’d still struggle to pinpoint exactly what kind of clothes they’d like or dislike.
I’ve never once noted that person X seems to wear orange a lot or never wears navy, even if it’s someone very close to me. I just don’t think a lot of people’s brains work like that. I personally find presents a bit of a minefield (other than children, who have simple wants and don’t beat around the bush).

I got cheap chocolates today (very much appreciated!) and socks from my DH and in return I gave socks and some books. Last year he hadn’t got me anything so on Christmas Eve I steered him towards a shop when we were out on a family walk and pointed at a piece of clothing I’d been looking at in the window for a few weeks and that was that. Going from what I’ve seen, some posters would be horrified.

My opinion is - I’m an adult, no one knows what I want better than myself so I’m probably the best person to buy for myself. Having a happy Christmas is much more than presents and I’ll leave that side of things to children.

Offensive / passive aggressive gifts ( although iv only ever heard about such things on here ) I get it

Totally thoughtless presents from a dp ok I get it

But just general complaining because something isn’t quite right no I don’t get . I’m greatfull for pretty much anything someone would take the time to buy me

zigaziga
Some people do notice. One of my friends was excellent at making jewellery and would always make me something that complimented my style. I wouldn't know where to start doing that for someone else.

That's why I think there's a difference between buying something you think someone will like based on your knowledge of them and what you e seen them wear/do, and getting someone a present based on what you think they should like or do, or the colour you think they should wear.

kowari
Oh that sounds difficult, but it's good it works for you. I'd find it frustrating knowing that even if I stopped buying and didn't want to do presents that the gifts would keep flowing.

The overriding theme doesn't appear to be complaining about the actual gift as much as what it represents - and there are some heartbreaking examples to be found today.

People who have put a huge amount of effort and emotional investment into making sure their loved ones get a lovely Christmas and gifts to make them feel loved and valued, and get a figurative slap in the face back of something like an after-thought hand wash added to someones week shopping trolley, or nothing.

People are feeling hurt and bewildered, wondering if people they care about really do think so little of them to 'forget' them, to put zero thought into a small gift, or to think it fair that they have taken on the Christmas load and get little to no appreciation for it.

I wholeheartedly agree OP.

One can only assume that they are young adults and still rather green to life, or poor people that cannot go out and buy their own ie branded/materialistic shite. Either way its still rather pathetic if you are an adult.

Pressed post too hastily.

If you dont like a gift then drop it off to a charity shop when they reopen. I bet they will be more than grateful.

Well we allowed grown adults buzzing all year about superhero films and wandering about town in pyjamas. Surely this is just the next stage.

Often it's not about the gift itself but the feelings around what it represents. If your partner, mum or best friend gives you a gift that's nothing like what you like, or even totally insensitive, then of course that's disappointing.

I don't get gifts anymore (single with very little family) and I'm quite relieved really as it means to unwanted gifts either. My mum particularly has form for choosing the strangest things.

Now I see your point op but I find it so frustrating when I receive gift sets im allergic to and would cause chemical burn like irritation on my skin if I used them and clothes that are never the right size or anything I'd ever wear year after year after year despite me very nicely telling people not to buy me these things as I have no use for them and not to waste their money.
It really upsetting to think that people don't care enough about me to actually bother to either ask or use some thought to get me something I might actually like. Its purely about the thought.

@LolaSmiles oh yes there are definitely people who are good at that. I am not! I guess the issue is when there is a disparity, particularly in a couple, between someone who is an excellent gift giver and also expects something thoughtful back and someone who doesn’t care about gifts as much and is simply not as capable of picking something just right.
Going from a lot of posters on MN it seems to make the thoughtful gift giver (more often the woman) feel like they are forgotten and not appreciated. I don’t think this is necessarily true at all it’s just that some people place more value in gifts than others.

I used to really struggle with getting things for DH but we pretty much don’t bother these days. I obviously know him better than anyone but I’d still struggle to pick out anything he’s really like from a shop. I doesn’t mean I don’t care or that I’m a Scrooge it’s just gifts are quite a small part of my life.

It was a reason I ended a relationship.

Each Christmas & birthday I would put a lot of thought and care into a gift but all he really seemed to care about was if it was the right logo at the time. If it wasn't right, his complaints and rudeness ruined the season. In the end it was better to be without him. Such a shame.

DPs family always get me awful gifts, stuff that makes you think 'have you ever even seen me or met me?' and DP and I have a giggle about it afterwards. I'm quite minimalist and it frustrates me that they're wasting their money.
However I would never dream of being rude about it and am grateful that I have family to give gifts.

Some weird presents might make me raise an eyebrow knowingly to my partner (e.g. mens PJs which are too big for me, mens body spray, a single yellow towel, a pokemon t-shirt are examples of gifts I have been given from members of his family in the past.) But I wouldnt complain or be upset or offended, just a bit confused/baffled.

However, I disagree that "you're an adult go and buy your own stuff". Some people are on an extremely tight budget. They may not have enough left over to buy themselves treats so to get something just for your at Christmas is a big treat. I can understand being upset/disappointed if your "treat" is something you won't or can't use.

I dunno, I've had hundreds of conversation with family about how I hate gin and yet I STILL receive it. Thankfully it's easy to donate or regift.

zigaziga
Based on some of the threads on here, some men put very little thought in and I understand why their partners feel upset.

Sometimes I wonder if there's some expectation management needed. For example, if someone knows their partner isn't the best at gifts then saying nothing or giving vague hints, only to he devastated when they've not picked up any of the dozen things you've hinted at over 3 months always strikes me like setting an impossible test. It could easily be solved by saying 'DP, if you are struggling for Christmas ideas then I would like X Y or Z please'.