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Original poster

AIBU - friends pay?!

102 replies

TrousersTea · 18/12/2020 20:48

NC as worried I might be recognised as this is quite specific. My close friend has recently been promoted. It’s a job shes worked hard in and it’s deserved. Because of Covid though, she’s not getting the pay rise she expected. During a zoom call with her today she commented that she would have to make other plans to try and pay more of the mortgage off now as things are not looking as good as she thought they would at this level in her job. I know that she was previously on 65k so it will have gone up slightly from this, probably more like 68 rather than the 75 she was wanting. We both live in the midlands/north so it’s not like she’s paying London prices.

I don’t want to sound bitchy but this comment has made me annoyed. She lives alone and I live with my partner but even together we earn only slightly more than her! We don’t even live in as nice a house. AIBU here or missing something about living alone?! I feel like it was quite insensitive, I’m the lower earner in our house and couldn’t even imagine earning 50k let alone close to 70, which she knows.

OP posts:
TheWichitaWineOne · 18/12/2020 23:03

I just thought given she knows our situation it was a bit of a crass comment

"Our situation" Grin

I’m inclined to ask whether it’s her responsibility that you earn less?

Yup

WhatKatyDidNxt · 18/12/2020 23:05

Meow! How is it insensitive?! For that kind of salary l am sure she has a world of pressure. Why should she not be paid the market rate? How much she has paid off her house isn’t really relevant, also more of an achievement as she’s done it on her own

InTheDrunkTank · 18/12/2020 23:17

If you were really poor or had just been made redudant I could see your point but you own a home, have a partner, you're both working and doing well financially (if your household income is greater than hers) so I don't really see why she'd feel she has to walk on egg shells around you about money. If anything I'd find it patronising if she did.

Do you never talk to her about your partner, what he got you for your birthday, what your plans together are, something annoying he's done. Do you feel you can't mention your partner because you have one and she doesn't? Probably not so I don't think she should have to hide her salary from you either.

ChristmasCookies · 18/12/2020 23:18

Your not in poverty are you....

Some people on here dont earn a quarter you earn
You sound jealous !!!

InTheDrunkTank · 18/12/2020 23:18

Also she has less security being single. If she loses her job she presumably has no other source of income.

TurquoiseDress · 18/12/2020 23:23

I think this is more about her not getting the pay rise she was expecting in line with the promotion which presumably involves more responsibility/workload.

She may have large debts that you don't necessarily know about, as well as trying to pay down a mortgage as a single person.

thebabessavedme · 18/12/2020 23:30

you just sound a jealous moo!

would you prefer 'poor friends'?

BooFuckingHoo2 · 18/12/2020 23:40

You must know that you and your DP combined on a higher wage take home more than she does after tax??

okokok000 · 18/12/2020 23:40

Are you in the same industry / jobs? If not then your salary compared to hers is irrelevant.

What is relevant are other salaries that are comparable to her actual job that competitors would be paid. If she is being paid less than the going rate then I can't see the problem with her comment.

okokok000 · 18/12/2020 23:41

@BooFuckingHoo2

You must know that you and your DP combined on a higher wage take home more than she does after tax??
Also this.
Goingtogetflamed · 19/12/2020 00:31

Op is there a backstory? I know there’s been a bit of a pile on. What’s the situation your referred to?

blueshoes · 19/12/2020 01:25

Do you never talk to her about your partner, what he got you for your birthday, what your plans together are, something annoying he's done. Do you feel you can't mention your partner because you have one and she doesn't? Probably not so I don't think she should have to hide her salary from you either.

This

SleepingStandingUp · 19/12/2020 01:32

Not everything is about you op.

She made a general comment about how her plans have changed as her forecasted income has changed.

You sound hard work and jealous of her success.

IndieTara · 19/12/2020 01:43

Op I've had similar this week from my best friend. She's heard there may be redundancies in the New Year at her co. And Is really upset it may affect her.
She has a 3 figure salary and is married so a 2nd household income.
I'm a single parent of 2 and was made redundant in first lockdown. I found a new job but part time and the hrs are getting less and less. I now don't earn enough to cover my rent.
At first my friend getting upset when telling me this felt crass and thoughtless but I know she didn't mean it that way and she's genuinely worried.

SpiderGwen · 19/12/2020 02:10

If you are friends, why wouldn’t you be pleased for her when she got promoted?

Why such bitterness about her career progression?

hadesinahalfahell · 19/12/2020 08:02

It sounds very much like you want your single friend to be firmly plonked back into her place in the pecking order of life, earning much less than you and living in a smaller house than yours, so that you can continue to feel superior to her. It sounds like you would be much happier to only hear her lament about how sad and lonely and poor she is without a husband.

TeachesOfPeaches · 19/12/2020 08:09

She will be paying 40% tax and you only pay 20% tax so you and your husband are very likely bringing more than her each month. It's not easy having to pay a big mortgage + bills on your own.

Pipandmum · 19/12/2020 08:10

She sounds ambitious and has a financial plan and goal for herself. As she's on her own should anything happen there's is no one to help. So she is disappointed that after this promotion her goals won't be met as planned. Your her friend - can she nit share her frustration? Or must friends constantly check how they would come across? Its not like you are single and on benefits.
I think you are comparing yourself to your detriment. Its human nature, sure, to think 'how come she gets X and I get Y'. But get over it. You say she's worked hard and deserves her success. You can lend a sympathetic ear without your own self pity.

Ragwort · 19/12/2020 08:11

I think it can be very insensitive to discuss salaries and you do need to exercise caution - even your own comment 'trapped in a £25k job' is insulting to those of us (of which I am one) who earns considerably less than £25k.

MrsDonnelly · 19/12/2020 08:22

You’re being unfair. She may feel envious that you have a partner or don’t have the responsibility to pay all bills single handedly. She may dream of working fewer hours or giving up some stress and responsibility if she had someone to share the financial burden with. I’m sure she doesn’t find it ‘crass’ every time you mention your partner

purplepoinsettia · 19/12/2020 08:44

My friend warns triple what I do. If she said she was struggling to pay her mortgage and disappointed about her no pay rise I'd help her feel better. She's worked to get to where she is though and I appreciate that rather than resent it.
I think maybe you have green eyes here and perhaps you should rethink if you are actually this persons friend. Friends should be allowed to speak about what's upsetting them this doesn't seem U and I think YABU.
Also I'm not sure why you are trapped in a £25k job. Have you thought about retraining yourself if you feel this way. May be worth it.

Itsonlymakebelieve · 19/12/2020 09:05

Should friends never moan to each other about their partners, children or parents if the friend doesn’t have a partner, children or living parents? Should you only have friends who’s life is identical to yours? Would you be happier if your friend had lost their job rather than getting a promotion, so that you were in a more fortunate financial position as compared to her? You are not a friend.

baubled · 19/12/2020 09:41

Sorry OP you sound bitter, she's worked hard for her promotion and because of the current climate she isn't getting the increased pay she should be- it doesn't matter whether that's 68K instead of 75k, 23K instead of 30k or whatever- it's frustrating and not what she's been working for!

There will be people in a worse situation than you, should you have thought about that before posting your salaries? It's all relative

goldielockdown2 · 19/12/2020 15:21

YABU, it wouldn't cross my mind to be annoyed about this as it's not my life. If you complained about your partner, should she be irritated because she doesn't have one? Where would it end? It's all relative.

nosswith · 19/12/2020 15:32

I never would discuss my salary with a friend or even my mum. I am certainly not going to discuss it here. What I think is insensitive is anyone complaining about not getting a pay rise at a time when millions have lost or will lose their jobs due to the pandemic, or indeed the parts of the economy such as high street retailing that were struggling beforehand.

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