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6 yo doesn't go to bed without me

106 replies

StormsDontLastForever · 03/12/2020 21:16

Posted similar to this before but can't seem to find the thread.

My 6 yo dd does not go to bed without me, I can't sit downstairs with DH and watch tv or anything as she literally will scream the place down & come down stairs 20 times that I eventually give in and just go upstairs. But I have no me time or time with DH due to it. She has everything she needs, and I mean everything, she is well fed etc so not hungry but comes up with every excuse under the sun.

She also says things like, "I'm scared upstairs" (she has a lamp on in her room and hall light etc). "I don't want to be alone" "I'm not tired" etc. She rarely falls asleep before 10:30/11pm these days, I have tried everything, we used to have a great routine. It's as if she can't leave my side due to thinking she's missing something, she is 100% not scared in her room etc, it's just an excuse to be beside me, which I absolutley love, I love her company and would do anything for her!! But it is quite draining that I don't have any time to myself or time with DH.

She also point blank refuses to sleep in her own room because my bed is comfier, so every night at bedtime I need to go up and lie in my bed with her until she falls asleep, then by the time she's sleeping I'm absolutley shattered.

Any advice please xx

OP posts:
IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 05/12/2020 17:52

@RosieLemonade

Can’t believe how many people let a child dictate their evening.
It's mental isn't it! I'm pretty sure this was unheard of when we were kids.
IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 05/12/2020 17:53

@AntiHop

My 6 year old likes to me or dh to lie down with her to fall asleep and I absolutely don't mind. I work full time and I value the time I spend lying down with her. She also won't sleep until 10.30. What's more important, spending time with dd or watching crappy tv?
That's not the point, she's supposed to be learning the valuable life skill of going to bed and falling asleep.
PaperMonster · 05/12/2020 18:10

I’m in my 50s and I was deeply jealous of my friends and cousins who had parents who would stay with them whilst they went to sleep or who would co-sleep. My close friend who I met as an adult slept in with her parents until she was 11. It’s not some modern phenomenon! Parents have been doing this forever! My OH goes to bed at 7pm, so this sacred evening time with the OH has never existed in this house anyway!!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

OhToBeASeahorse · 05/12/2020 18:27

This is my absolute worst nightmare. We have a newborn at the moment and sometimes om having to go to bed with her at 7.30 because she gets hugely overtired and I cant seem together her to nap downstairs some evenings.

I dont mind saying it makes me hugely resentful. She is tiny so I am giving her everything and needs and rightly so, I know these days are fleeting. But I'll be fucked if I'm doing it for years.

Ohalrightthen · 05/12/2020 18:59

@OhToBeASeahorse

This is my absolute worst nightmare. We have a newborn at the moment and sometimes om having to go to bed with her at 7.30 because she gets hugely overtired and I cant seem together her to nap downstairs some evenings.

I dont mind saying it makes me hugely resentful. She is tiny so I am giving her everything and needs and rightly so, I know these days are fleeting. But I'll be fucked if I'm doing it for years.

Wine and hugs to you, you're doing an excellent job. My BIGGEST pieve of advice to you would be to get your partner to do alternative nights with you. Getting the baby to learn to settle for both of us was the best thing we ever did.
Indecisivelurcher · 05/12/2020 19:15

With respect to those saying this sounds crackers, this would never have happened in their day, parents are too soft. This really winds me up!!!! Children's sleep is genetic! Fact. Look it up. Absolutely this used to happen. Some kids are just complicated. It's not that parents are soft. I ended up working with a sleep consultant when my Dd was 4. I sleep trained her at 6m on the dot and she slept through. Then at age 4, she stopped. Was up 1:30am every night for 2hrs. And still up at 6am. For a year. It was awful. Its not like I just hadn't thought of taking her back to bed. Repeatedly. Telling her that's enough. Or not saying a word. Or cuddling her more. Or cuddling her less. Sleeping with her. Being more firm. Putting her to bed earlier. Putting her to bed later. Rewards. Punishments. Or whatever else people care to suggest. I assume OP is asking for help online because this is proving not to be an easy problem to resolve!

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 05/12/2020 19:22

Oh definitely, some kids are complicated. For sure. Others are just getting away with absolute murder.

OhToBeASeahorse · 05/12/2020 19:25

@Ohalrightthen thank you! That's so kind - I spend 90% of my time thinking I'm fucking it all up.

Baby is BF so it's a bit tricky but DH is doing day naps (which have to be in the fucking sling) which gives me a break

Ohalrightthen · 05/12/2020 19:30

[quote OhToBeASeahorse]@Ohalrightthen thank you! That's so kind - I spend 90% of my time thinking I'm fucking it all up.

Baby is BF so it's a bit tricky but DH is doing day naps (which have to be in the fucking sling) which gives me a break[/quote]
Oh man i feel you! If it's any consolation, DD was the same til 6 months and then we did v gentle CC and she self settled for naps and bedtime in the cot after a week.

OhToBeASeahorse · 05/12/2020 19:41

I'm clinging on to that

Earache2020 · 05/12/2020 19:52

I haven't read the full thread but I lie down with my 6 year old every night and I think she is genuinely a bit scared to do it alone. However it only takes 30 mins or so. I tell her that I am happy to do it but I expect her to have a still body, eyes closed and no talking in other words she needs to be trying to fall asleep. Then I go downstairs and have some time to myself. Is she getting enough exercise? I know it's harder in lockdown depending on your area but maybe she needs some sport, swimming or bike riding, etc. each day.

Earache2020 · 05/12/2020 19:58

@Indecisivelurcher

This is what we ended up doing with Dd, on advice of sleep consultant. I've actually got this typed in a note on my phone! paste...

Bedtime passes
If you think the not sleeping is a psychological thing then you could try something called bedtime tokens / bedtime passes. Start with a family meeting, draw up some sleep rules, get your child to suggest and draw them to give them some ownership.

Agree a reward. We've used penny sweets and playmobil. We used playmobil, I bought a camping set and split it all up, put the names of all the bits in a pot and Dd got a new piece at random every morning she had tokens left.

Make loads of tokens together. I mean loads. If the child gets up at bedtime or calls you in the night then that's absolutely fine and allowed, but costs 1 token. Put them in a pot by their bed. If there are tokens left in the morning, the child gets a reward.

For the first few nights the child needs to succeed. So you need more tokens than they will use. My Dd used more than 30 the first night. When they're in the swing of it, start to gradually reduce the number of tokens. It took us a few weeks to get down to 6. Dd started to fail a few times and had to try. We got stuck at this level a while. Eventually we got down to 3 and at some point the system was gradually forgotten. 30+ night wakings down to 1 or 2 was a lot bloody better.

You can look this up, I believe it's called bedtime passes and there's a few articles out there.

I hope it works!

Agreed that this is a good option too. Backed by solid research.
AliMonkey · 05/12/2020 20:02

DS13 has only recently stopped needing us upstairs to get to sleep, although he was mostly fine between age 1 and 8. He suffers from severe anxiety issues and it’s all linked to that although we also learnt that he just doesn’t need a lot of sleep. We fought it for a while but after going up and down the stairs 20-30 times an evening we gave up and one of us would stay upstairs (usually doing something in study next door) for an hour until we were sure he was asleep. At least he never got out of bed but if we weren’t upstairs he would call for water/teddy/too hot / too cold / scared ... We dealt with it very matter of factly, little talk or eye contact - or at least I did but DH would lose patience and shout which would make it worse so I did most of it. If we were there, he would go to sleep quickly.

On the rare times we had a babysitter, he would still be awake when we got home, whatever time it was. He was ok if he had a friend for a sleepover or his big sister offered to sleep in his room (which she did a couple of times when she knew we would be out until late). To be fair, he would sometimes be ok for a couple of months then something would set him off again - like the school trip where they told them ghost stories before bed.

It will pass eventually but in our experience you should try the usual tactics but if they don’t work then for your own mental health it’s best not to fight it but just make it as liveable with as possible.

AntiHop · 05/12/2020 20:06

@IncludeWomenInTheSequel

That's not the point, she's supposed to be learning the valuable life skill of going to bed and falling asleep.

I am not at all concerned that dd is falling asleep next to one of her parents each night. She's learning the valuable lesson that if she wants her parents close to her, we will be there. I've no doubt she'll still want to he lying down with us when she is 14. She's not clingy- she happily goes to after school club 4 days a week, she loves school, and she can play independently for a couple of hours at a time. She just wants to be close to someone as she falls asleep. I like to be next to DH as I fall asleep, as do many adults.

AntiHop · 05/12/2020 20:17

@UserEleventyNine

Doesn't spending time with your DH feature anywhere?

Dh and I are both happy with the amount of time we spend without dd, which is not much. We would both prioritise dd's need to spend time with us over more time together. We were together for a decade before having dd. Since having her, we've rarely had date nights. Maybe once a year. We are both happy with that. We both work full time and we love spending time the three of us together (soon to be 4 as I'm pregnant). We usually watch something together on the tv on a Saturday night.

UserEleventyNine · 05/12/2020 20:39

Since having her, we've rarely had date nights.

I wasn't thinking of date nights, just sitting together in the evening as you both unwind, talking about little things that have happened during the day, discussing things you might not talk about in front of a 6yo, talking about life in general. Companionship.

AntiHop · 05/12/2020 20:40

You really believe it's good for your 6yr old to be awake til 10.30 every night? Or that it's good for your marriage for you to never have an evening together?

@Ohalrightthen she simply doesn't fall asleep any earlier. 10pm if we're lucky. She's up for school at 7.45. She's very healthy and doing very well at school, so I'm not worried.

Dh and I are happy with the amount of tind we spend together. We have a very happy and stable relationship.

AntiHop · 05/12/2020 20:44

I wasn't thinking of date nights, just sitting together in the evening as you both unwind, talking about little things that have happened during the day, discussing things you might not talk about in front of a 6yo, talking about life in general. Companionship.

I agree that is important @UserEleventyNine. We have that, with dd around. We always sit down and eat together every night. There are some things we wait to discuss or share until dd is asleep. We spend most of the weekends together (the three of us). If I have time at work, I call Dh for a chat in my lunch break.

Ohalrightthen · 05/12/2020 20:52

@antihop gosh she's going to have a shock when the new baby arrives.

AntiHop · 05/12/2020 21:44

[quote Ohalrightthen]@antihop gosh she's going to have a shock when the new baby arrives.[/quote]
She'll be fine. She understands things will be different. We were actually discussing sleeping arrangements with her earlier. She said she'd like her father to lie down with her at bedtime if I'm busy with the baby when she's going to sleep. She loves babies and toddlers, and is really looking forward to the baby's arrival.

Ohalrightthen · 05/12/2020 21:48

@antihop just a word of caution, kids who's parents have dedicated every waking moment to their company, especially older kids, can really struggle when their siblings arrive. She may be sounding very sensible and mature and understanding now, but be prepared for an impressive regression when the baby arrives. Liking babies doesnt always translate to being happy with one monopolising your parents.

AntiHop · 05/12/2020 22:11

[quote Ohalrightthen]@antihop just a word of caution, kids who's parents have dedicated every waking moment to their company, especially older kids, can really struggle when their siblings arrive. She may be sounding very sensible and mature and understanding now, but be prepared for an impressive regression when the baby arrives. Liking babies doesnt always translate to being happy with one monopolising your parents.[/quote]
Thanks. As mature and sensible as she is, of course it's going to be a big change for her. As it will be for DH and I.

We haven't "dedicated every waking moment to her." I went back to work full time when she was 9 months old and she went to nursery 4 long days a week from then until she started school. She's at afterschool club now 4 days a week.

We are not in each other's pockets. She spent several hours today alone doing crafting and playing with her dolls with no input from DH and I. This is normal for her.

RedToothBrush · 05/12/2020 22:36

DS is a poor sleeper but has improved.

The first thing we did was make sure he had toys who 'look after him at night' now. Get their imagination to help them.

Second nightlight. He was more scared of the dark than we realised. This helped.

Third we talked to him and explained that now he was a big boy he had to stay in his bed. He is old enough to understand this. Emphasise big boys/girls do this. Are you a big boy/girl or still a baby?

Then make a point of bedtime. We made sure he knew what time bedtime was and he had to go to bed. He goes at 7pm because he's a poor sleeper and we know he is unlikely to go to sleep straight away. We tend to get up fairly late, so if you are early risers make it a little earlier.

Then he was barred from our bed. He can come in for a cuddle but he is now told he has to go back to bed. We got him to this point by marching him back every time he came in during the night. Just a firm take back to bed, good night and no more engagement. Repeat.

Then we moved on to tackling the going to sleep bit itself. The key for us, is every time he came down we gave as little attention as possible. As in no fuss, no argument, no extra cuddles. Just a straight 'right back to bed, goodnight' and leave. And just repeat. Part of the issue is getting attention so you have to disengage from that trap. If they scream and make a fuss the response is the same. Rinse repeat.

Finally back it up with rewards / punishment. With a really bad night, you say the morning after that was really bad, if it happens again tonight you lose X favourite toy. If they do it the next day, you explain that getting up constantly has lost X toy the following morning. Don't turn bedtime itself into the drama if you can help it. Once they have lost X toy you explain they have to do good behaviour to get it back. Go softly softly on this. So if the next night they still misbehave but its an improvement explain why you are pleased and that has been rewarded. But do get gradually more strict. If he's had a particularly good night, its commented on and made a fuss of, so the attention has shifted to the next morning with positive behaviour. He will occasionally get an additional reward if hes been good on this.

DS still plays up for an hour, maybe two in the evening. But we let him get on with it for the most part if he's rattling around upstairs. He only tends to get told off if hes coming downstairs with multiple exercises. As long as he's staying in his room, we tolerate it to a degree. He's usually asleep by 8.30pm / 9pm which isn't ideal but its much improved from where he was and he is giving us a break in the evening now.

The key for us, is don't let it descend into a battle ground because thats where you put the attention in. Engage in the right places not the wrong ones. Think about how your behaviour is fuelling the situation.

It takes time and you need to have realistic goals / timetable of how long it will take. Its not something you can do in a week.

We also are not too fussed about sticking to 7pm religiously at weekends now, once he got the idea. In fact staying up later on a Friday or Saturday is framed as a reward. He only gets it for good behaviour (including sleeping) the rest of the week. He doesn't automatically get it.

Its exhausting and stressful at first but stick with it. Make sure they understand the new boundaries you expect from them by repeating them and explaining them over time and framing the change as a part of growing up. 6 is old enough to understand this.

Good luck.

jessstan1 · 06/12/2020 01:06

@PaperMonster

I’m in my 50s and I was deeply jealous of my friends and cousins who had parents who would stay with them whilst they went to sleep or who would co-sleep. My close friend who I met as an adult slept in with her parents until she was 11. It’s not some modern phenomenon! Parents have been doing this forever! My OH goes to bed at 7pm, so this sacred evening time with the OH has never existed in this house anyway!!
Mine slept with me and my husband, it never bothered us. I remember being made to go up to bed when I was small and lying awake, terrified. I didn't want my child to feel the same. We were also happy having him downstairs with us in the evening.
Daisychainsandglitter · 06/12/2020 07:59

I've just come back to this thread as at the end of my tether with DD6.
She also has ASD but last night she would not go to sleep until 10.30.
The screaming and the amount of wake ups and the length of time she needs to be sat with to go to sleep means at the moment it's easier for her to sleep in our bed but she will not go to bed until one of us goes to sleep with her.
She now wants to touch us for comfort to sheep and sleeps right up against us which I just hate!
I've been in her room the last few nights while she's been in our bed with DH who is much better with her although even he is at a bit of a loss.
I'm comforted to know that I am not the only one who has sleep issues with their 6 year old.

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