6 yo doesn't go to bed without me

[StormsDontLastForever]

Posted similar to this before but can't seem to find the thread.

My 6 yo dd does not go to bed without me, I can't sit downstairs with DH and watch tv or anything as she literally will scream the place down & come down stairs 20 times that I eventually give in and just go upstairs. But I have no me time or time with DH due to it. She has everything she needs, and I mean everything, she is well fed etc so not hungry but comes up with every excuse under the sun.

She also says things like, "I'm scared upstairs" (she has a lamp on in her room and hall light etc). "I don't want to be alone" "I'm not tired" etc. She rarely falls asleep before 10:30/11pm these days, I have tried everything, we used to have a great routine. It's as if she can't leave my side due to thinking she's missing something, she is 100% not scared in her room etc, it's just an excuse to be beside me, which I absolutley love, I love her company and would do anything for her!! But it is quite draining that I don't have any time to myself or time with DH.

She also point blank refuses to sleep in her own room because my bed is comfier, so every night at bedtime I need to go up and lie in my bed with her until she falls asleep, then by the time she's sleeping I'm absolutley shattered.

Any advice please xx

She keeps going because she knows you will give in. Put her back to bed every time, do not speak to her other than "back to bed". At 6 she is more than old enough to understand. I would also suggest audio books, when one of mine was trying this they didn't like being alone in the quiet, so having a voice in the room helped

I had the same issue, tried all sorts, and what I did was cancel my evenings permanently. All the lights in the house are off, we brush teeth together and read stories. Then bid them goodnight, we go hide under the covers to watch TV on my tablet. We could sneak back downstairs but once you settle in I cant be asked to go down again. Bit miserable but they simply will not sleep unless they think the rest of the house does too.

Now they go to bed 8-8ish, sometimes they play till nearly 9 on non school nights.

Ds hates being alone upstairs but he's bathed and in bed by 7, we have a story
And a chat and I sit with him until he's asleep, around 7:30. Hes 5. Going up at 8 would be too late for him and he'd be so overtired. Even weekends its kept pretty similar. Always asleep by 8. He wakes around 6:30-7.

My 7 year old is currently like this. We do the same as we've always done with the bedtime routine and after cuddling for five minutes, we leave him to it and suggest he reads or plays lego in bed until he can drift off. He's sometimes asleep in half an hour or still fidgeting about at 10.30/11.
He's still managing his full day at the moment without hysterics and meltdowns so figure we just continue as we are for now!

@biggledy

I had the same issue, tried all sorts, and what I did was cancel my evenings permanently. All the lights in the house are off, we brush teeth together and read stories. Then bid them goodnight, we go hide under the covers to watch TV on my tablet. We could sneak back downstairs but once you settle in I cant be asked to go down again. Bit miserable but they simply will not sleep unless they think the rest of the house does too.

Now they go to bed 8-8ish, sometimes they play till nearly 9 on non school nights.

This is utter madness. You're being put to bed by your children!

I would make sure nothing else is going on with her, that she can't talk about firstly.

Then 8pm is too late for 6. Start bedtime at 6 with winding down etc. In bed at 7

This.

If you miss the window of opportunity they get over tired and then they are awake really late.

They are supposed to be in bed before they are tired.

Just gradually make it earlier over the next week or so.

It’s quite common, these days, as leaving a baby to self-settle is considered mean, same when kids are 6/7/8 or even 10, it’s considered mean not to give them what they want

It’s how kids are raised now, and I don’t think there is a solution other than to wait for them to say they want to sleep alone

It’s funny that 15 years ago I did not know any kids age 7 who could Only sleep with their mum, but now I know quite a few

This is what we ended up doing with Dd, on advice of sleep consultant. I've actually got this typed in a note on my phone! paste...

Bedtime passes
If you think the not sleeping is a psychological thing then you could try something called bedtime tokens / bedtime passes. Start with a family meeting, draw up some sleep rules, get your child to suggest and draw them to give them some ownership.

Agree a reward. We've used penny sweets and playmobil. We used playmobil, I bought a camping set and split it all up, put the names of all the bits in a pot and Dd got a new piece at random every morning she had tokens left.

Make loads of tokens together. I mean loads. If the child gets up at bedtime or calls you in the night then that's absolutely fine and allowed, but costs 1 token. Put them in a pot by their bed. If there are tokens left in the morning, the child gets a reward.

For the first few nights the child needs to succeed. So you need more tokens than they will use. My Dd used more than 30 the first night. When they're in the swing of it, start to gradually reduce the number of tokens. It took us a few weeks to get down to 6. Dd started to fail a few times and had to try. We got stuck at this level a while. Eventually we got down to 3 and at some point the system was gradually forgotten. 30+ night wakings down to 1 or 2 was a lot bloody better.

You can look this up, I believe it's called bedtime passes and there's a few articles out there.

I hope it works!

My 8 yo was like this. He suffers from anxiety and if I left him he would try hard but get hysterical at night and sob uncontrollably in his bed.

I can highly recommend “what to do if you dread your bed”. It uses CBT to teach your child how their brain is working and how to overcome it. You do the activities together.

The biggest breakthrough for us was the method of putting your child to bed late at first, with a strict routine, so they fall asleep quickly and happily. Then move the routine forwards to the time you want. That way they associate bed with sleep rather than with lying awake worrying.

We have slipped recently and need to go back to the book. It really was a sanity saver for us.

Just to explain, I did the above technique to deal with nightly wakings at 1:30am every night for 1 - 2hrs. Dd does like one of us to be upstairs when she goes to sleep. We usually put washing away and things. She goes to sleep in 10-20mins usually. She listens to a children's meditation cd or some gentle music on her cd player. Some nights I have to pop my head in to check on her a couple of times

@Pikachubaby I really take issue with your comment. You cannot conflate refusing to allow a baby to cry it out with pandering to a 7 year olds whim/ being on their beck and call. And self settle is just another phrase for cry it out, presumably one that you think doesn't have all the baggage. Children need what is appropriate to their development. Babies need their caregivers and are more likely to suffer attachment issues later in life if they are ignored and left to 'self settle' as you put it, before they are ready. They are not the same at all and one parent following the good and well researched advice not to get baby to cio does not mean they are making a rod for their own backs later in life. Your attitude is very ignorant.

@MorrisZapp

My ten year old won't sleep without one of us. I'm so beyond caring what anyone thinks. I'm waiting for puberty to solve this one, and I'll honestly miss it when it's gone.

Am with you on this one!

I slept a lot as a child but was terrified of going to bed on my own and of waking up on my own - yet I was made to. It really has had long lasting effects. My child went to bed on her own and was what people would perceive to be a good sleeper til she was about 5. I’m not letting her suffer like I did.

[quote Perfect28]@Pikachubaby I really take issue with your comment. You cannot conflate refusing to allow a baby to cry it out with pandering to a 7 year olds whim/ being on their beck and call. And self settle is just another phrase for cry it out, presumably one that you think doesn't have all the baggage. Children need what is appropriate to their development. Babies need their caregivers and are more likely to suffer attachment issues later in life if they are ignored and left to 'self settle' as you put it, before they are ready. They are not the same at all and one parent following the good and well researched advice not to get baby to cio does not mean they are making a rod for their own backs later in life. Your attitude is very ignorant.[/quote]
At the risk of sounding like a toddler, no YOUR attitude is ignorant!

Self settling means the baby goes in their cot awake and falls asleep by themselves. Cry it out means you leave your child to scream until they pass out from exhaustion.

My baby self settles. I NEVER did cry it out.

Is she bored in her room? Has she books and toys she can play with? I'm guessing she just doesn't want to be on her own.

Can’t believe how many people let a child dictate their evening.

@RosieLemonade

Can’t believe how many people let a child dictate their evening.

No wonder the failure rate of marriages is so high when you add kids to the mix!

The minute DD was old enough to sleep without us in the room she had bedtime and her own bed. It was the ONLY thing we were both absolutely set on before having kids - no fucking about at bedtime. We both grew up with parents who strongly enforced "grownup time" after 7pm, and it was non-negotiable for us from the getgo.

Try some audio tapes
Or try ignoring her for a few nights

You are your own worst enemy

@Ohalrightthen exactly. How can you have an adult relationship if you spend half the night in bed with a child or even worse on their floor!

@RosieLemonade

Can’t believe how many people let a child dictate their evening.

Agree. It's madness Genuinely struggling to get my head around it. My relaxing, child free evenings keep me sane.

So glad you posted OP - I’m in the same position but with a 5 year old as well. OH just let’s them watch iPads from 7-9 for an easy life so even if I try to fix the problems, he will just undo it all when I’m at work. He won’t get on board with it as he’s too tired to enforce any routine.

Those of you using kids audiobooks - what devices do you use? Do I need to buy a couple of Alexas?

I actually used to be scared of being upstairs alone when I was about that age, no idea why, and I did grow out of it. My parents would take it in turns and they would be in their room next door and then head down when I was asleep, but more reasonably they got me a cassette player for my room and played Audio books we borrowed from the library; it really helped and then they just popped in to press stop when they were headed to bed. It sounds like she gets over tired and so worked up that she then finds it hard to drift off. I agree with trying bed time earlier, and perhaps trying some sort of audio, or although it sounds a bit weird maybe, if you have a baby monitor still knocking about, leave it by her bed and say if you need us just speak on this. Basically just try different stuff, but I wouldnt neccessarily discount that perhaps she is scared.

How much physical exercise is she getting in the day? When the weather is bad my daughter does 3 miles to and from school and around the playground, during the summer she would do up to 8 miles a day. She will always say she is scared to go to bed but I put in her in at 8:15 and always pop back to check and she will be fast off.

My 6 year old likes to me or dh to lie down with her to fall asleep and I absolutely don't mind. I work full time and I value the time I spend lying down with her. She also won't sleep until 10.30. What's more important, spending time with dd or watching crappy tv?

@AntiHop

My 6 year old likes to me or dh to lie down with her to fall asleep and I absolutely don't mind. I work full time and I value the time I spend lying down with her. She also won't sleep until 10.30. What's more important, spending time with dd or watching crappy tv?

You really believe it's good for your 6yr old to be awake til 10.30 every night? Or that it's good for your marriage for you to never have an evening together?

What's more important, spending time with dd or watching crappy tv?

Doesn't spending time with your DH feature anywhere?