6 yo doesn't go to bed without me

[StormsDontLastForever]

Posted similar to this before but can't seem to find the thread.

My 6 yo dd does not go to bed without me, I can't sit downstairs with DH and watch tv or anything as she literally will scream the place down & come down stairs 20 times that I eventually give in and just go upstairs. But I have no me time or time with DH due to it. She has everything she needs, and I mean everything, she is well fed etc so not hungry but comes up with every excuse under the sun.

She also says things like, "I'm scared upstairs" (she has a lamp on in her room and hall light etc). "I don't want to be alone" "I'm not tired" etc. She rarely falls asleep before 10:30/11pm these days, I have tried everything, we used to have a great routine. It's as if she can't leave my side due to thinking she's missing something, she is 100% not scared in her room etc, it's just an excuse to be beside me, which I absolutley love, I love her company and would do anything for her!! But it is quite draining that I don't have any time to myself or time with DH.

She also point blank refuses to sleep in her own room because my bed is comfier, so every night at bedtime I need to go up and lie in my bed with her until she falls asleep, then by the time she's sleeping I'm absolutley shattered.

Any advice please xx

My 6 yo is the same. They are only little for so long. I get ready for bed and take a book in with me so it feels like a luxury getting some down time and a cuddle. Meanwhile DH gets all the cleaning up done!

I bribed mine with a toy he particularly wanted, he had to go to sleep by himself x number of nights and then I would buy it for him. It was 40 nights or something, but I knocked a few off for good behaviour. Worked a treat and I haven't had to sleep squashed up since.

This won't be a popular idea, but apparently I was just like this at 6/7 and the thing my mum tells me solved it was putting a TV in my room. She'd put it on with a film I liked and I suddenly stopped needing her there, as I'd just be so focused on the film, but was also tired so at some point I'd fall asleep watching it. Until I met DH and had someone to share a room with I continued to fall asleep with the TV on, so until I was around 26 years old. It's never done me any harm 🤷🏼‍♀️

You say you used to have a good routine, when did this change ? Did anything happen to make her start going into your bed/wanting you to stay with her

One of us has to stay upstairs for my 7yo to get to sleep. Haven’t been in her room for the last 3 but we have to be upstairs. Only now can you get away with popping down to make a cup of tea. 8 times out of 10 she’ll be shouting you back up but the odd time she falls asleep on her own.

When we move into a detached house soon we are tackling bedtime for her to fall asleep without us there. Her little sister is in her room (I have to lay in bed with her to fall asleep but she’s o my 3) so she’s not totally alone up there.

We would have done it sooner but we have issues with our neighbour and dd will scream, tantrum and kick off if we don’t stay up which makes them bang on the wall and blast loud music so until we’re in our new house this is the way it is.

@rottiemum88

This won't be a popular idea, but apparently I was just like this at 6/7 and the thing my mum tells me solved it was putting a TV in my room. She'd put it on with a film I liked and I suddenly stopped needing her there, as I'd just be so focused on the film, but was also tired so at some point I'd fall asleep watching it. Until I met DH and had someone to share a room with I continued to fall asleep with the TV on, so until I was around 26 years old. It's never done me any harm 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes! This was me too. I had a little cube telly, with an integrated VHS. I’d have it on when I went to bed and mum or dad would come and take my glasses off at 11 when they went to bed.

Why don't you let her sit downstairs with you rather than you going upstairs with her? She'd settle down playing and doing her own thing and eventually fall asleep. Then you would have your evening watching telly or whatever rather than having to stay in her bedroom.

I think the giving in is the problem here. She mithers you until you give in. Stop giving in and she'll stop mithering you. Bite the bullet, explain how bedtime will go in future and stick to it.

Arh, i have no advice as I've been through this myself, but just repeat the mantra 'this too shall pass'. Good luck OP, you sound like a lovely mum x

@rottiemum88

This won't be a popular idea, but apparently I was just like this at 6/7 and the thing my mum tells me solved it was putting a TV in my room. She'd put it on with a film I liked and I suddenly stopped needing her there, as I'd just be so focused on the film, but was also tired so at some point I'd fall asleep watching it. Until I met DH and had someone to share a room with I continued to fall asleep with the TV on, so until I was around 26 years old. It's never done me any harm 🤷🏼‍♀️

This is actually a good idea. Tiny pops is on until late so maybe try that.

@MorrisZapp

My ten year old won't sleep without one of us. I'm so beyond caring what anyone thinks. I'm waiting for puberty to solve this one, and I'll honestly miss it when it's gone.

Same..

A ten year old won't go to asleep unless an adult is with them wtf! That's crazy. The child is old enough to not need a parent nearby.

My kids always went to bed at 8pm. They wouldn’t have slept before that.
And yes, when they were little they had a DVD on and fell asleep watching it.
Never did mine any harm, and they all naturally got to a stage where they didn’t need the DVD and just fell asleep.

I would do new Christmas bedding. Make it all new and cosy and her thing. I'd introduce audiobooks. My DD has an audiobook everynight and can control it herself so can put it on when needed.

My ds was the same. We eventually managed to (slowly) move from his bed, to his bedroom floor, to the door then to our room next door with the door open and our light on. He needed us upstairs to sleep and we didn’t want him to be upset so we made it work. Usually one of us would sit upstairs while the other tidied up before bed and we would both end up in bed by 8.30 watching tv with the subtitles on!

At the time I hated it, it felt like another chore, but actually it got us into the habit of going up to bed earlier which has been good for us and tbh, I miss the cuddles and quality time. Ds is now a teenager who literally sleeps all the time so while I don’t have any helpful advice I can assure you that it is temporary.

I'm surprised at a lot of the replies here. I agree with the posters who've picked up on the giving in to her - she has worked out you'll cave if she's persistent. You don't give in, she is silently returned to bed everytime she gets out. Yes, it will be a horrific first couple of nights as she is used to 'winning', but ultimately it is in her best interests. What happens in the 2 hours before bedtime? What sort of routine do you have?
It is irrelevant that some posters just let them sleep on the sofa etc and it was fine. This situation clearly isn't working for OP and she wants her evenings back. Allowing them to sleep on the sofa doesn't do that.

I agree with watching supernanny on you tube.
Any dc over the age of 3 should be sleeping on their own.
I can't believe how many parents put up with such behaviour.

Let me tell you a horror story.... my sil is still doing this with my 12 year old niece ! But my dn has never done that anywhere else and she has been having sleepovers with me since 3 years old .
Fair enough those parents on here that say they are happy like this but op has come on here because she is not happy to continue.
I say get your husband involved and the pair of you put on a United front . Some tough love is in order here because apart from anything your child is not getting enough sleep .

There are so many posters saying they do this too. It's shocking. No wonder everyone is exhausted. I don't know what the answer is, but I know this isn't good.

@Oreservoir are you my DM?! She is similarly horrified

I’m back downstairs by 1930 most nights and I leave contented boys in their own beds who have been cuddled to sleep feeling secure, my eldest in particular always tells me the bits and bobs troubling him from school whilst cuddled up in bed.

Personally I struggle to understand the other side of the coin where children must go to bed by themselves and stay there at some arbitrary age decided by society.

My DD used drop in on Alexa during bedtime too. Means I can work downstairs and she occasionally comes over Alexa with "muuum, why is the world not square???" Before she settles down.

My 6 year old would do this if I let him.

We compromise. He's in bed for 7pm with his tv on. Watches tv until 8 then everything off, night light and rainforest sounds on his alexa. Because he's not expected to go to sleep immediately and because he's got his tv on he's usually happy going up and staying up, by the time 8pm comes he's relaxed and sleepy.

@DartmoorDoughnut I'm probably old enough to be your dm. If you're back down by 19.30 then you're obviously doing a good job.
If someone decides to parent by staying with their dc that's up to them but some of the pp's are being ruled by their dc.
It's the screaming when left and coming downstairs I can't understand. That's not a parenting choice, that's a fight, every night, I would be exhausted.
One week of firmness would solve the problem.

Tbh my ds used to have night terrors so would sometimes climb into our bed at 2am.

8pm seems a bit late.

My son is unable to go to sleep alone and is a little younger (five and a half), we don’t have any screens in the hour before bed and no overly exciting toys/activities. We do bath, story on the sofa then he is in bed by 7:15 and I get in with him, hes usually asleep by 7:30. If he is feeling particularly wobbly I follow the same routine but he sleeps on the sofa (well, mainly on me) and I then take him to bed at some point in the evening, or just take him into my bed when I want to sleep.

Do you think she is over tired?

Ah op my 7yo is like this , hated being on her own. My 6yo now sleeps with her now and it's helped massively. So no advice sorry just my sympathy