Shall I just shove a tenner in a card in future?

[tennerinacard]

A month or so ago, I sent a good friend a birthday present for her dc, something that my dc of a similar age enjoyed playing with, and that I genuinely thought would be liked.

I didn't receive any acknowledgement for afore said present, and this evening she has posted it for free on a small fb group along with some other unwanted crap. She knows I am in this group and therefore will have seen it.

I don't know whether to put a comment like 'I'll have that back then!' in a jokey sort of way, or pretend I haven't seen it, realise that I am clearly shite at buying presents, and put aside the presents I've got for her dc at Christmas and just put a tenner in a card?

Comment “YOU’RE WELCOME” under the pic.

I must be very unsentimental - I would be a little put out that I got the gift wrong (especially since you asked her about it) but once it's been given to her DC they can do what they like with it, and I would assume they didn't want it or is a duplicate. I'm not very good at guessing what my young DC would like to play with so maybe I've got used to getting presents wrong and am always happy to give receipts with gifts I'm not sure.

What's she supposed to do - keep it to avoid upsetting people? Charity shops aren't readily accepting these days and it can be a faff to sell something for a few quid. If it was me I'd try to give it away in a way that you would see but I can't see why it's caused huge offence. Think of all the tat your kids receive at birthdays or Christmas - does it al on have pride of place in your home?

Not saying thank you is not on though, and may piss me off enough to be annoyed about the give away.

I think I'd phase her out quietly by not doing birthdays or Xmas pressies from now on. Slowly cut contact and be free!

Maybe she thought they would like it but it turned out they didn't? Or they got two exactly the same one from another person.

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

So you actually send her a photo beforehand and checked that it would be a suitable and wanted gift? And she said yes but us now giving it away for free?

I assume she knows that you're a single parent and you're on a budget.... but she was happy to say yes and let you spend that money then she just gives it away? In that situation, I would have to say something. I'd have to message her and say something like "Hi X. I'm a little bit shocked to be honest. I've just seen that you're giving away the gift I sent for free on FB. You know I'm on a budget, which is why I checked with you beforehand that the gift was a good choice because I cant afford to waste money. To see you giving it away for free, after not even saying thank you, has really hurt me. You could have just told me it wasnt suitable when I asked and saved us all the trouble. I certainly wont be sending gifts in the future"

I'd be doing this. Speak up for yourself.

I wouldn’t say anything personally, but I wouldn’t be buying anything for the child in future and I wouldn’t be throwing a tenner in a card either. Just send a card. I’ve got a friend who ever says thanks for anything we send her kids and I’ve finally realised now I have my own just how rude that is!!!! Let alone to then give it away!!

Ouch.

Even if the gift is a duplicate, it’s not nice of her to post an ad for the gift where she knows you can see it.
I know you’re saying the gift is not a duplicate because you messaged her about it beforehand, but I’ve been in the position where DC have got 2 identical gifts from 2 different relatives (on different sides of the family) without either relative having told me in advance what the gift would be. It’s not impossible that something similar happened here.

Anyway. Moving on, if you do still want to do presents then yes, go for money in a card.

Don't do any more presents for this family, it's not worth it

How old is her DC? People sometimes ask me if my 1yo would like a particular gift, and I'm honest about what I think he would or wouldn't like. But sometimes I think he'll like something and then he doesn't 🤷🏼‍♀️
If she's generally a good friend I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she forgot you were in the group. Charity shops are all closed atm so people have limited options to pass on toys that their children aren't playing with.
Would you have been less hurt if she had contacted you first to say "DC doesn't play with this gift - I'm going to pass it on to someone else"?

In that scenario she should offer it back to op so she, being on a budget, can gift it to someone else.

My niece did this to me. The Christmas presents I bought her were on the local selling page in January!

You are so kind to be buying presents for your friends child but don't buy presents you can't easily afford, there really is no need. A small box of sweets or chocolates is loved just as much as a bigger toy.

Your friend sounds really kind too, she knows the toy is a good one and although her own child doesn't like it as much as anticipated she knows this Christmas is a tough one for some families, she wants to gift the toy to help a family going through hardship this year.

Don't be upset, you are 50% of this kind deed. Just because you didn't get any public recognition doesn't reduce the gesture.

Also, why do we hold other women to these impossible standards of having to write thank you cards and carry out all this additional life admin. I have never received a thank you letter from a male relative, only female. Like you, she's probably got plenty on her plate. Maybe give her a break.

You both sound kind, I am sure she values your friendship for who you are, not what you give her. Next time gift sweets/ chocolate orbit at all. She will still love you and appreciate your friendship.

I'd post a message (not private) asking for it back, once you've got it, tell her she'll be getting fuck all from you in the future, then wish her a Merry Christmas. Cheeky sod!

@LauraAshleySofa it doesn’t have to be a thank you card but no thank you at all in this day and age of texts/FB/WhatsApp is appallingly rude! It takes seconds to send a text.

I'd just text and say something like I can see the gift I bought wasn't wanted and perhaps it's better we don't do gifts going forwards as it's difficult to find the right thing and you do t really have the budget at the moment ....and then cool off from the friendship for abit

Gosh I wasn't expecting a thank you card, nor public recognition!! Just a thanks or whatever to confirm that she had received it! Item not even played with, still in box.

It was just the wording of the post (along the lines of look at all this clutter I have, aren't I generous and worthy for offering it for free to other families, etc etc etc), in a group where I would obviously see it! Plus particularly as I said I sent her a pic to confirm dc would like it. And apart from anything else, even getting to a post office to actually send the bloody thing is like climbing a mountain for me, I work full time and long hours, as well as being a single parent, so it's a massive faff!

I don't like confrontation so I don't think I'll say anything, just stick to cards and chocolate in future... except I know she doesn't like her kids having chocolate so 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

No OP. No chocolates. Card only!

Then why are you bothering? I don't get why you are going to all this hassle to send presents to people who aren't grateful.

I'm a lone parent. I buy for my kids only. It's really not necessary to waste your money on presents for friend's kids.

@BlackCatShadow point taken. I won't bother in future!

I wouldn't send anything else, your friend is rude and ungrateful! Don't waste your time or money!

Maybe the child already had the gift, or received multiple. Last year we received three of the same gift, my son liked it but we didn’t want three so I gave two away, maybe it’s something like this rather than the child not likening the gift.

It was a dick move by her. You're not being precious about anything.
And definitely don't bother with a card with a tenner inside.

This is why xmas presents for all and sundry is ridiculous. People receiving too much stuff that they don't want or need then having to store it or get rid of it.

Sorry, I think my post came across as unnecessarily harsh. I hope it didn't upset you.

I used to buy for lots of people and put a lot of time and effort into it, but I realised that I was better just focussing on my kids and giving them a great Christmas. Often the toys and things I exchanged with friends weren't really what my kids wanted and it all just seemed a bit pointless and wasteful really. I can use the money I save on buying them a few extra things that they really love and save on postage.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and so I think it's ok not bother with presents for friends. Use the money you save to treat yourself and your family instead.