So sad

[Elfingbell]

Last year I felt I had it all - loved my job, bought my first home with the man I loved and had dd, then:
We get hit with astronomical fees for 24hr fire watch in our apartment block. My partner left me for another woman when dd was a few months old. Covid saw me working from home and looking after DD I wasn’t performing at my best and have now lost my job.
I’ve spent 90% of my savings and this week will move back to my hometown and move in with my mentally ill mother.
I’m returning the keys to my apartment to the bank which means I’ve lost my deposit money but frees me from the mortgage, repossession wasn’t far off anyway.
I know I’m lucky having somewhere safe to go and some savings but I’m just so sad that It’s come to this.
I’m not looking for sympathy or advice I just needed to write it down.

Hurrah! Will your sister be able to help? Get as much hired or otherwise help as you can.

@Elfingbell

She will be going Nordic walking on Wednesday so I’ll leave while she’s out, that way I can take all my stuff with me as I have boxes in the garage.

Just try and be as normal as you can until then so she isn't suspicious

Absolutely don't tell her in advance. Try to act normal. Leave on Wednesday. Instead of a text, leave a thank you note and a vase of flowers/box of chocs, saying "Thanks for having us. I got a lead on a place and had to grab it before somebody else does."
The reason I say leave flowers/chocs is because you have a lot of negative things in your life to process right now. Facing up to your mum may sap you of energy. Once you are in therapy you can cut her out of your life and you'll be emotionally equipped to do it. You know you won't see her again. That's the main thing. Well done in the flat!

Op I’ll be blunt, it was only a few short months ago you were on the attack with your step mother, you seemed to only have a light bulb moment when you faced going back to live with your own mother.

It does read like your impetus to make amends coincided with you being made homeless. And the urge to apologise seems to have lessened now you’ve got someplace else to stay.

I’d think very carefully if your desire to apologise is because you thought there was something in it for you. You might get to stay there. And you’re still being manipulative.

As your ex said, I think you need to seek help. The fact your acknowledgement of the pain you caused only came when you needed some place to stay and you were still at it right up to this moment, even though you’re now in your thirties, indicates this isn’t all about a sudden understanding of what you’ve done.

@Bluntness100

Op I’ll be blunt, it was only a few short months ago you were on the attack with your step mother, you seemed to only have a light bulb moment when you faced going back to live with your own mother.

It does read like your impetus to make amends coincided with you being made homeless. And the urge to apologise seems to have lessened now you’ve got someplace else to stay.

I’d think very carefully if your desire to apologise is because you thought there was something in it for you. You might get to stay there. And you’re still being manipulative.

As your ex said, I think you need to seek help. The fact your acknowledgement of the pain you caused only came when you needed some place to stay and you were still at it right up to this moment, even though you’re now in your thirties, indicates this isn’t all about a sudden understanding of what you’ve done.

Thanks Bluntness, there is other stuff going on in the background, I haven’t posted my whole life on here. I assure you the urge to apologise hasn’t lessened or gone away at all. I would never have gone to stay at dad’s house even if they had offered however much I wished I could because of everything that’s happened in the past. I do recognise the need for time to build a relationship with step mum and my step siblings before I could go there. The fact that they are both shielding would make it impossible anyway because I wouldn’t be able to go and meet other people or work without posing a risk to them, I hugely respect my step brother for being there with them it’s a massive sacrifice.

I know I need professional help and I will organise this as soon as possible.

The advice I was given on here was to give dad time to digest what I’d said and answer in his own time and that’s what I’ve done, owning up to two specific things that he asked about must have come as a massive blow because for years I’ve denied doing both and he’s defended me. I don’t underestimate what a massive shock that must be and how disappointed he will be.

I have had a message from one of my step siblings but I want to ask for their permission before I post about it here because this is a public forum and I don’t want to mess this up.

I think that’s fair enough op. I wish you the best of luck. It will likely take time, hurt and trust is something that takes a long time to rebuild.

Elfingbell You come across in your posts as so reasonable that it is hard to put the you who has behaved so appallingly to your step mum and step sister to the you who is posting on here.

I think it is going to be incredibly difficult for your dad, step mum and step sister to come to terms with your sudden volte face, because I think they will be very suspicious of your true intentions. As Bluntness100 said it looks on the face of it that you only came to this Damascene revelation when you had lost everything - partner, house, job - and were put in the position of having to go back to live with your mum.

Your dad and step mum will be in an incredibly difficult position, your dad because of his love and loyalty to you and probable desire to forgive you and believe in you and your step mum because she will be torn between her husband's love for you and her own deep hurt for what you put her through, only two years ago you threw your step mum's attempt to build bridges straight back in her face. Y

Also, the situation with your youngest step sister, if this step sister refuses to have anything to do with you, (and it would be unsurprising if she did) that will also put your step mum in a very difficult position she cannot risk losing the relationship she has with her own daughter for you.

It's a good idea to get professional help and I am pleased you are, I think unravelling all this is going to take a lot of time.

Do I just leave without telling dm where I’m going?

Of course. And do not under any circumstances give her your address when you move.
This is what 'Do not tell your toxic mother any more about your life' looks like.

I would bet the farm that after your Dsis's intervention today your DM will mysteriously cancel her Nordic walking plans, the better to watch you instead.

I would be steeling myself for a very unpleasant move out next week if I were you.

You are your DM's last weapon to use against your SM and your father and the new family they built.

She is not going not let you go easily.

Yes I did come to realise what my family meant to me when I’d lost everything and if I get them back instead of my awful dm it will have been worth losing it all (except dp).

I have one of my dsis to thank for sewing the seeds of this but she says she only felt able to do that once I’d had dd and wasn’t "up my own arse with my fancy job and London life" and I’m so grateful to her and her dp for supporting me so much.

As for my dm, I can’t explain why it’s taken until now for me to realise just how toxic she is, I do know that I recognise what a pp said about wanting to make her love me, if only I could get it right, make her proud, please her etc. It is spot on and it hurts so much knowing that she doesn’t love me and never has. We were an inconvenience when we were little and then when we were more self sufficient we were hers to manipulate and toy with whilst still having the life of a single woman.
Yes she’s mentally ill but her problems are psychological not psychiatric and most of the time it’s all a big act because she can’t stand it if she’s not the centre of attention.
I went to university then went to London and really landed on my feet, met my ex and went to see dm twice a year, I worked really hard and thought I had life figured out. Dm came and stayed with me but mostly for the free accommodation in London rather than to spend any meaningful time with me, she was and is still obsessed with the fact that dad met my step mum and she was willing to take us on, it fuelled her hatred for stepmum and I was the weapon delivery service.

I won’t lie I’m still struggling with the notion that my own mother doesn’t love me, I look at dd and can’t imagine using her in the way we’ve all been used. It really hurts to think that once I leave here it will have to be a completely different relationship. I was so proud of my little sis this morning, she was so confrontational with my dm and the fact that dm backed down amazed me.
When my dsis arrived to collect dd and scooped her up and kissed her I realised that dm hasn’t picked her up once since we arrived, she’s never changed a nappy, fed her or played with her in the way my dp’ s mum does and as far as she’s concerned the best place for dd is back in London with her dad. She says "they’re just not interesting until they’re tweenagers"

I’m under no illusions about the hard work ahead and I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to atone for the past.

@Elfingbell I just wanted to say I'm slightly in awe of this - you've been through a lot in a short space of time and obviously feeling vulnerable, but are facing some massive and difficult home truths head on, and I think that's something that is laudable.

Don't underestimate how tiring this will be for you and be kind to yourself. You sound so remorseful and genuine and that really comes across in what you've said.

I don't think there's anything odd about coming to some serious life conclusions when you've been through a rough patch, I'd say that's quite normal, so I don't think it's that you've hit that rough patch and look like you want to ask your dad for stuff, you've made it clear to him that you don't. Going through a rough patch makes people reassess things, just as you've done.

@PantyhoseAndRoses thank you for that, I think there must be lots of people who have hit a rough patch because of the pandemic and done some serious life laundry. I know a few people who have said that when the pandemic is over they are definitely going to spend more time with family and others who don’t want to get back onto the hamster wheel of living and working in London, you work hard, play hard but when a pandemic happens you have no one and nothing it’s all so false. I even fell into the trap of going back to work when dd was tiny, I really regret that now. It was like a competition to see who could work up to their due date and then drop a baby and be back two weeks later. Getting your pre baby figure back was a bigger topic of conversation than your baby, whatever you did you didn’t talk about your baby.

I think a lot of people see their parents in a new light when they become parents themselves. Veils parted, left, right and centre.

And many have re-evaluated their lives during the pandemic too.

Your head must be spinning with how fast things are moving!!!

Elfing, so glad to read your updates.

I have permission from the other people involved in this, they are B my stepbrother and S my youngest step sister to share some of what’s happened since I last contacted dad.

B had a conversation with dad because my dsis spoke to B about what’s happened and what’s been said, she was quite rightly worried about the ramifications of what I’d said.
Dad spoke to S and told her that it was me that hid her flute the day of her grade 8 music exam, he apologised for not believing her at the time and for the hard time he gave her for accusing me.
B had a long chat to S and then contacted me, last night I spoke to him on the phone for about an hour, he said that S wanted to have my email address and said that was fine.
I was bracing myself for a backlash from S but her email was incredibly mature (much more mature than I am).

Here are a few excerpts from her email, and please remember they are just snippets so don’t take them out of context.

I’m sorry your life in London hasn’t worked out the way I know you would have wanted it to.
Mum has never stopped loving you, sometimes she didn’t like you but I think she has said that about all of us at times.

Mum knew and always reminded us that you were a victim and that being disloyal to your mum would feel the same as we did about losing our dad. So we did understand and now that we’re adults and have some perspective and a little bit of life experience looking back it’s easier to remember the good bits than the bad and there was a lot of good.

As for dad’s difficult phone call about my flute, I think he was disappointed that there was no wailing and sobbing from me, I think this will hit him much harder than it did me. The rest of us always knew it was you and we all knew that you would confess one day. Yes I was very angry at the time, angry in a way that only a teenager can be but I haven’t carried that anger with me into adulthood and I suspect your guilt has weighed you down much more than my anger ever did. So yes you are forgiven, you were a long time ago. It worked out well for me, I got an extra seven weeks to practice and a weekend away with my favourite auntie as compensation for missing my exam, I also got a distinction which I don’t think I would have got if I’d taken it earlier.

I know B spoke to you about counselling and maybe putting some distance between you and your mother while you go through that and I think that’s an excellent idea. I’ve had counselling and I can thoroughly recommend it. It gives you a long hard look in the mirror and the opportunity to fix the bits you can and change the bits you can’t.

Mum loves her unique wedding photos, she treasures them because they were all taken by the people she invited so I know there will be no hard feelings on her part for that. Again we all knew it was you it was dad that wouldn’t entertain the idea but you were always the golden girl so we didn’t expect any different, he has as much if not more to apologise for than you and we are going to suggest counselling for him too. Maybe some sessions of family counselling at some point if they will help the two of you as well. I say the two of you because the rest of us are fine we really are we all grew up but you got stuck, despite the fancy job and beautiful apartment and dad he has never not once accepted that life could be anything other than perfect. He never believed for one moment that his kids could be arseholes, and we all were at times like everything you just did it bigger and better. In dads perfect middle class family everyone was perfect and it’s a shame that he is never able to tackle emotional stuff, he’s currently in the "I need some time to think about this" stage which also means he’s put it on the too difficult to do pile.

The speech you gave on the day you left for London has gone down in family folklore as Elfingbell’s state of the nation speech and we often laugh about it, even mum. The things you said were really funny once you took the vitriol out of them, saying mum was an "abusive narcissist" as if anyone would describe her as that. When you slammed the door she just turned round and said "oh dear I think that was meant for her other mother" she was bereft that she’d lost you to your mum but she always said you would be back when you were ready.

While we’re doing confessions and apologies, I used to fart on your pillow whenever I got the chance, I removed the wires from your wonderbra (who other than your own mother would buy one for a 12yr old) but I know you loved it, I spat in your dinner a few times when I was dishing up and that horrible smell in your bedroom was down to me too, I removed the head from your Barbie and put cheese inside it. Like I said kids can be arseholes even a geek like me.

Mum doesn’t know anything other than the fact that you lost your job, we’re not telling her until at least Monday because she is decorating the house for Christmas even though we won’t be there and nobody can visit. I spoke to her earlier and she was knee deep in decorations and up to her elbows in mince pies, I keep getting pinged photos of the shit decorations we made at primary school which will all be lovingly wrapped in tissue paper come January and put back in the loft ready for next year. Who knows maybe next year we will all be home for Christmas and you can introduce xxxx to a proper family Christmas complete with puppet show, charades and wind up toy races in the hall.

Let’s keep chatting like this for now and know that I love my big sisters all three of them and I’m a freaking awesome auntie so can’t wait to meet my niece and teach her cool geeky stuff.

I have only put a fraction of what S wrote to me here and I’ve sobbed buckets at the sheer waste of all those years I could have had these people in my life. I now realise that the things I did and said didn’t have the effect I thought they did.
It’s also made me realise that my dad is a victim in all of this too but also very weak for never standing up to dm, I think if he’d never agreed to her increasing access a lot of this wouldn’t have happened.

Thank you all for your input, I don’t think I would be as open if it wasn’t for you lot, I really am very grateful.

Holy fuck, she's a well grounded woman

I’m so proud to have a little sister like that, she seems so mature and definitely well grounded.

Geez she's terribly well adjusted and grown up 😂 you're very lucky . Perhaps there's something cathartic is knowing you had less power than you thought you did. Yes you caused hurt, but actually the person you've caused the most damage to is yourself. Now move out when BM (I refuse to use D) is Nordic Walking, and don't look back. All this time they've just been waiting for you to say sorry and mean it

@SleepingStandingUp thank you, you’ve been really great on this thread and BM it is from now on.
It’s really hard not to get too excited about everything but I’m determined to do this one small step at a time. It was nice that among the really emotional stuff there was lots of funny stuff too, she always was very funny so I shouldn’t be surprised.
I still have a few things to finalise about where I’m going to move to and I can only stay until mid Feb but that’s ok, before this week I would have worried about dd doing three moves in such a short space of time but tonight she happily went to bed in a makeshift cot made out of sofa cushions. She just needs familiar things and a routine that’s flexible and she’s fine.

She just needs a happy stable Mom. I'm glad to have been of any help. Now of only my two were so easy to get to sleep 😂.
Slow and steady. Sounds like your Dad might need a boot from DSM and your siblings of he's a bury it all guy, or he'll just pretend it be er happened. Either way just keep gently plodding

Bloody hell. I've just caught up with the thread and S's email had me in tears. She sounds amazing. You are so, so lucky your step siblings have opened their hearts to let you back in again. Hoping your dad reciprocates.

Apologies if I missed it but you said you had something to tell your exP and he was shocked when he found out- was that about how you'd treated your DSM or something else? I'm just struggling to think how that fits in with everything else :/

As someone who has hit rock bottom previously.. All I can say is I wish I knew what was ahead of me. I've went on to be happier than ever though it took a while. You will get past this. And be stronger

I wish you all the luck in the world, I hope you can all start to heal and move forwards. Don’t look back - you’re not going that way.

Thank you all for the replies.

@Mondaymanic that’s so nice to hear, I think my rock bottom came during the first lockdown it was so eerie being in London and it being so quiet, being shut up all day in my apartment with dd, the only other person I saw who I knew was her dad when he came to collect her, then I lost my job and my world collapsed. It forced me to stop and I had time to think and reflect. Coming to the realisation that you’re a massive idiot and a not very nice person when you’re totally alone is horrible.

@duckinatruckwithmuck what I told my exDP. was the truth about my stepmum, that she wasn’t a monster and wasn’t abusive, I told him that I thought I had projected all of the stuff my bm had done onto her etc. He was hugely disappointed and shocked because it meant as well as being very controlling when we were together I had also lied and deceived him.