"We're all on the spectrum"

[bluetinpinkteapot]

No we're not! We're really, really not.

Please people who don't have autism or don't know anything about autism, please do not say this to people who do have autism or their carers/families.

It is wrong, it is offensive, it does a huge disservice to autistic people.

If you truly think this, do some reading. Or don't if you don't care - but stop saying it!

From one exhausted mother who has just had to have this conversation yet again with I'm someone who I thought was a good friend.

@bluetinpinkteapot my DS has none of those things. He is bright, clever and articulate. Yet has zero input from school.

I don't find it helpful or empathetic though @movingonup20. I find it belittling and minimising of my child's issues.

So glad to hear someone say this! A lot of people have started saying this in an attempt to look 'woke' and accepting of people's different behaviours. They mean well but it undermines the enormous challenges faced by people with autism.

Yes, we all have quirks and peculiarities but there's a point at which these become so difficult that 'fitting in' is a struggle - that's where the autistic spectrum starts.

Yes you are right but people who say this just don't understand, they don't mean to minimise the reality of living with autism. And autistic people can cause offense by being blunt, so we should all be more understanding when people say the wrong things.

@lightsontbut

A headache is qualitatively different from a migraine. The difference is not just in the amount of pain. The difference is in the neurological root cause of that pain and the other symptoms and problems which also stem from that cause.

A headache is one symptom of a migraine. Headaches may also occur for other reasons which have nothing to do with migraine.

(I have migraine medication which works on a migraine headache, but will not work on a non-migraine headache. It's not a painkiller as such, but it tackles one of the mechanisms by which migraine causes headache (enlarged blood vessels).)

Your analogy is flawed, and I believe the point you are trying to make about autism is flawed in exactly the same way.

[quote movingonup20]@ShinySquirrel

Actually my consultant did show a continuum from outgoing neurotypical through to classic non verbal autism. Perhaps because we are 20 years post diagnosis I'm less sensitive than many here but you need to cut people slack, they are trying to empathise even if it's clumsy.

My dd is not the same as many of your kids I suspect, she's at university, she lives alone but it doesn't make her any less worthy of her diagnosis, they just are all different. I see her struggles but I'm just eternally grateful she has friends and hobbies![/quote]
Why have you automatically assumed that I don't cut people slack?

We all communicate differently and adapt to different circumstances. I wouldn't be as forthright about this in a conversation with my DS's teacher (where yes, the 'we are all a little but on the spectrum' comment has cropped up).

I am actually a bit gobsmacked that you have chosen to tell an openly neurodiverse person to 'cut people slack because they are trying to empathise'. Bit ableist of you, no?

The mental health worker from CAHMS told me everyone was on the spectrum somewhere......

I've always thought that saying, 'we're all on the spectrum' is a bit like someone who's able-bodied going up to a person in a wheelchair and saying, "I'm really rubbish at football".

Not the same as having a disability at all!

No matter how well-intentioned, saying "we're all on the spectrum" is in the same vein as saying "all lives matter".

It is called the autism spectrum and is a way of describing the abilities and difficulties of autistic people by acknowledging that autism affects each individual differently and that this varies from ability to ability as well as person to person, for example someone may have a high verbal ability but very low working memory.

If you are not autistic, you are not on the autism spectrum. You may share some traits with autistic people but that's because they're human traits, common to many, it does not mean you are on the autism spectrum.

I currently have a wet (runny) nose, hairy legs, and I'm eating from a bowl (cereal). All traits in common with a dog, doesn't make me a flaming dog though does it?

The problem at my DS's private school appears to be that people don't want "normal" children. They want gifted children and if they're not gifted they must be 'special' in some other way to excuse their ordinariness.

@ZombieAttack Parents can apply for an EHCP, it doesn't have to come from school. We applied for my DDs ourselves, initially but then worked with the preschool setting as they got on board with formally helping (once I'd made it clear I was doing it regardless with or without their help).

I won't lie it is a bloody slog getting it done and a lot of blood, swear and tears went into it for six months but we got there. If you feel your son needs support in school and he isn't getting it, go for it!

*sweat and tears, not swear sigh.

Although a lot of swearing went into it too, incidentally

I am actually a bit gobsmacked

Come on now. You’ve either been smacked in the gob or you haven’t.

I hate "we're all on the spectrum' and I have been known to jump down someone's throat when they say it (depending on whether I am having a bad day or not).
My DS was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 12.
I heard the Holland poem just after he was diagnosed and I found it quite helpful. (Sorry to all who hate it).

No matter how well-intentioned, saying "we're all on the spectrum" is in the same vein as saying "all lives matter".

That’s exactly how I was describing it to DH the other day!

As a parent @Lightsontbut* it minimises everything my DS goes through and we go through as a family. I can guarantee you won’t see everything that goes on with your niece because you aren’t part of her safe environment. DS being autistic (and yes he’s ‘high functioning’) has a massive impact on mine, DH’s and his siblings mental health. Not to mention how he copes spending his life trying to adapt to a non autistic world.

What doesn’t help is unhelpful comments from relatives who don’t or won’t try to understand.*

Zombie I'm finding your response quite aggressive. I know perfectly well I can't and don't see everything that goes on with my niece. I see her a lot but that does not mean that I see as much as her parents by a very long shot. I never said otherwise and if you have read that into it, you are completely projecting. I am not saying my niece does not have problems and I can't for the life of my understand your hostility here. I am saying that on a surface level the problems my sister has described when I am actually doing exactly what you are accusing me of not doing ('try to understand') do not ever qualitatively describe something my (probably) NT kids do not also experience. That categorically does not mean that things are the same for both of us as there is also a question of degree in all of these matter. My kids 'holding it together at school and having a meltdown at home' can perhaps look very different than my nieces equivalent as can 'problems with peers' or 'not reading the situation' and 'rigid routines'. This all describes my children well but does not mean that things are the same given that in my house these are easily managed and absorbed (easily enough anyway) and in my nieces house they are not. I am actually very open to not using the spectrum description if it causes pain for people and think there are other ways to create empathy and understanding of how the world may be for people with ASD.

@PumpkinCheater. Sorry I can't really understand the point you're making. I am a migraine sufferer so I know these things. For me there is a line I draw for when I describe my headache as a migraine and as a migraine sufferer I do consider them to be on a spectrum rather than entirely distinct. I understand that other's experiences will be different of course but I guess I was just trying to say that the actual behaviors of some autistic people are qualitatively not quantitatively different and a desire to hold that in mind may have been what lead people to describe it in the spectrum way.

@PoltergeistPirates

I am actually a bit gobsmacked

Come on now. You’ve either been smacked in the gob or you haven’t.

Thank you for picking on my idiosyncratic use of language. Does it make you feel good?

On another thread I would laugh and brush this off, but I think I am the only poster so far on this thread who has said they aren't neurotypical. I can't be certain of that because, hey, I have a poor working memory as part of my ADHD.

I find it interesting that it is my posts that are being picked apart.

I get told all the time by new acquaintances that I 'don't look/sound/present' as autistic. I can't say it actually bothers me, more that it makes me constantly aware that so many people have a particularly rigid and stereotypical idea of what an autistic person is, and what they expect to be confronted with when they encounter one.

I can't say I can recall ever hearing anyone claim 'we're all a bit autistic/on the spectrum', so I'm not sure what I'd think or how I'd react if I did. I have heard the old chestnut 'I'm a bit OCD about X', and that does really rile me as I've had issues with OC behaviours in the past when I've been really ill. I suppose the difference is just context for individuals. I don't feel particularly aggrieved by general ignorance about autism, except when it's someone who clearly believes every autistic person must somehow be a carbon copy of the Dustin Hoffman character in Rainman, but I found the OC behaviour far more intensely distressing and difficult to cope with than any of my autistic behaviours, so people expressing ignorance about OC does really put my gas at a peep.

Oddly enough, the few people I can remember being the most 'pushy' and ignorant when I revealed my diagnosis to them, were other people with an autism diagnosis themselves. It seems that even some autistic people themselves don't really understand that autism doesn't impact everyone in exactly the same way, and just because you differ from them does not mean you are NT. Seems ignorance isn't exclusive to NT people.

The functioning labels are problematic too.

My so called 'high functioning' 14 year old is highly intelligent but can't function on a normal level let alone high level as compared to peers of the same age, he can't go to school, can't take public transport, can't communicate with strangers, can't communicate with people he knows half the day and is so depressed by it all that he struggles to go to bed/ get out of bed and to eat.

But just because he has no learning difficulty he's treated as though his autism is mild.

It isn't it effects him more than it does some on the other end of the spectrum because he is acutely aware of his deficiencies yet it give agencies the excuse to dismiss his disability due the assumption that high functioning means mild.

"The DSM-5 Manual defines autism spectrum disorder as “ persistent difficulties with social communication and social interaction” and “restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviours, activities or interests” (this includes sensory behaviour), present since early childhood, to the extent that these “limit and impair everyday functioning ”.

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/diagnostic-criteria/all-audiences

This is the bit that all those spouting 'we are all on the spectrum' fail to realise.

Maybe try asking them exactly which traits they have that are present since early childhood and which still limit and impair their everyday function.

No matter how well-intentioned, saying "we're all on the spectrum" is in the same vein as saying "all lives matter".

Yes to this! 🙏

cantdothisnow1 I agree, the severity levels can be a hindrance for people who assume the levels mean something like mild (I hate that term) medium and severe.

DSM-5 explains that ‘severity’ levels may vary by context and also fluctuate over time, that the descriptive severity categories should not be used to determine eligibility for and provision of services, and that 'these can only be developed at an individual level and through discussion of personal priorities and targets'.*
www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/diagnostic-criteria/all-audiences
See under 'Specifiers for autism spectrum disorder '

It is called the autism spectrum and is a way of describing the abilities and difficulties of autistic people by acknowledging that autism affects each individual differently and that this varies from ability to ability as well as person to person, for example someone may have a high verbal ability but very low working memory.

I would add that it also varies with time to that too. For example, my husband's autism worsens throughout the day, whereas mine get easier as the day wears on. Or I'm hypersensitve to certain sounds, I can't deal with them at all and completely shut down. 10 years ago I had no issues with soun.

I would add that it also varies with time to that too. For example, my husband's autism worsens throughout the day, whereas mine get easier as the day wears on. Or I'm hypersensitve to certain sounds, I can't deal with them at all and completely shut down. 10 years ago I had no issues with soun.

Excellent point. I find with my DC too that abilities can vary over the course of the day too and are also affected by things like tiredness, illness, mood, environment, and so on. So as well as position on the spectrum being variable, it can also be fluid and move around over time or due to external stimuli.

Yet another reason why we are not "all on the spectrum".

FatCatThinCat

regarding the sounds do you happen to know what's caused you to now be hypersensitive to sound. I'm having problems with this with my daughter who has suddenly become incapable of tolerating the sound of me breathing. Obviously there is no much I can do about that but she has become so stressed with noises that I can't control. Do you have any advice as my DD is 11 and has trouble expressing herself?

Sorry for going off point here!