"We're all on the spectrum"

[bluetinpinkteapot]

No we're not! We're really, really not.

Please people who don't have autism or don't know anything about autism, please do not say this to people who do have autism or their carers/families.

It is wrong, it is offensive, it does a huge disservice to autistic people.

If you truly think this, do some reading. Or don't if you don't care - but stop saying it!

From one exhausted mother who has just had to have this conversation yet again with I'm someone who I thought was a good friend.

I usually refer the ones who say it to Neuroclastic neuroclastic.com/2019/05/04/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/ or Rebecca Burgess the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 agree!!

@PandemicAtTheDisco sorry, I meant more when people say they have a single autistic trait, so they are autistic.

it’s usually said by someone who is accepting of differences and said kindly to be inclusive but it shows a limited understanding of autism.

The everyone is weird I totally agree with!

‘He doesn’t look autistic’

‘You don’t look stupid, yet here we are...’

Is my favourite response. And yes to the ‘we’re all on the spectrum’. No we aren’t. It’s amazing the amount of people that say this thinking it’s helpful.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4986048/
turns our a peer reviewed study says your wrong

Yep, it infuriates me too. I think people often just don't know what to say when you tell them you have an autistic child so they don't mean to be offensive. But it is offensive nonetheless.

"he doesn't look autistic."

I hear ya! TheHouseElf Jesus, I so nearly lost my shit when someone said this to me recently.

I also get 'she doesn't look autistic', or worse 'but she looks so normal!' She is normal, she's just autistic.

What exactly does an autistic person look like then? Are they all the same or have some sort of distinct characteristic that I don't know about?!

I think this ha just wound me up today because it was in the same sort of context as 'all children have meltdowns'. Nope, no they don't. Most children have tantrums at some point. Meltdowns are different.

I completely agree. I'm autistic and I hate this. No, you are on the spectrum and are autistic or you are not and NT!

The one that winds me up even more is when people say, sometimes talking about their own D.C., 'they have mild autism

I was asked many years ago 'how autistic is he?' - by a health professional, and I replied 'it depends what you are asking him to do'

I don't as diagnosed as an adult and stopped telling people when the replies were 'but you are ok though, aren't you. It's not as if you have it bad'

This article looks at it from both sides:

autisticandunapologetic.com/2019/03/16/is-everyone-on-the-autism-spectrum/

I think when people say this they don't mean "I have the same level as problem as people who have ASD", they often just mean that the challenges many ASD people face are often the same as people without ASD but much more exaggerated. This maybe helps make sense of what can seem like vague descriptors of problems - e.g. my niece has an ASD diagnosis but when my sister describes her problems they are never any different than those my children experience. Spectrum or not, there is a point where things become 'a problem' and if you are the 'wrong' side of that point, it's ASD, so even if we are all on the spectrum that does not mean the issues all fundamentally challenge our life. I think it's said to draw attention to common humanity and to tap into NT's ability to try and understand just how difficult the world can be for people with ASD sometimes.

@Lightsontbut it belittles and minimises the problems that people with autism face. As you've said - you don't think your niece who has an autism diagnosis has any more challenges than your neurotypical children, proving the point beautifully.

yanbu

@Clymene

I think you've misunderstood. My niece does not have any qualitative problems that my children don't have. The quantity however may be different.

It's possible of course that my children also have ASD and we've never had them assessed but when I talk to others they also experience the same problems. There is a point when a headache becomes a migraine for example yet on a surface explanation they could sound the same. You have to think about the level of pain and not just the pain per se to make sense of the difference. My niece does have 'mild' ASD (this is her diagnosis not my words) and no intellectual impairment so she is more in the area where this may be relevant.

The definition of a spectrum is that it's a range, so yes everyone is on that continuum and at a point is beyond that your are autistic. My dd is high functioning autistic and shares many traits with her father but he doesn't meet the criteria but only just according to the dr. I however am very different as is my other dd, we are nowhere near that cut off point, being gregarious and social.

My consultant actually used the expression "we are all in the spectrum" by the way!

@ShinySquirrel

Actually my consultant did show a continuum from outgoing neurotypical through to classic non verbal autism. Perhaps because we are 20 years post diagnosis I'm less sensitive than many here but you need to cut people slack, they are trying to empathise even if it's clumsy.

My dd is not the same as many of your kids I suspect, she's at university, she lives alone but it doesn't make her any less worthy of her diagnosis, they just are all different. I see her struggles but I'm just eternally grateful she has friends and hobbies!

I find that ‘high functioning’ autism just means they aren’t ‘bad’ enough to warrant any extra help or support from school. From experience anyway...

Check out More Than One Neurotype on FB - she has literally just posted about this exact issue.

My consultant actually used the expression "we are all in the spectrum" by the way!

Which spectrum? The autism spectrum?

Because how can you be on the autism spectrum if you’re not autistic?

I understand that people saying these things have good intentions and are trying to be kind, but they need to understand that it's more hurtful to autistic people to say these things than it is to say nothing at all.

@fatcatthincat

Is that what all autistic people think? Is there good research about that? if not then it would be really good to see some. I'm always wary about changing things based on what a few people want but when it's a consistent or actually numerically dominant message then yes, I think people should listen.

@ZombieAttack My DD is apparently 'high functioning'. She is very verbal (she doesn't shut up, in fact), she has no learning difficulties, again in fact she's cognitively advanced for her age (not bragging this comes with its own challenges). She was a very late speaker but when the speech came it came in fully in context paragraphs. She has no issues with toileting etc.

Yet she has an EHCP, full time 1-1 support at school. She's four.

High functioning (and I do use that phrase myself) can come with its own problems I find. I say it because I mean that DD generally does not have many of the challenges that other autistic children do. She can, in the right environment and with the right care, function in much the same way as a NT child sometimes. But that does not mean that she doesn't suffer, find things really hard, especially in a different environment like at school. But some people take it to mean 'autistic but really not that bad'.

I should probably stop saying it because again it's language that can really do a disservice to the struggles that autistic people face daily.

As a parent @Lightsontbut it minimises everything my DS goes through and we go through as a family. I can guarantee you won’t see everything that goes on with your niece because you aren’t part of her safe environment. DS being autistic (and yes he’s ‘high functioning’) has a massive impact on mine, DH’s and his siblings mental health. Not to mention how he copes spending his life trying to adapt to a non autistic world.

What doesn’t help is unhelpful comments from relatives who don’t or won’t try to understand.

And actually from doing lots of reading around autism and reading various fb groups for autistic individuals and parents, yes generally they don’t like being told that everyone is on the spectrum.

I may be wrong but you do sound like the sort of relative that I can’t talk to about my DS’s autism (like I can’t talk to my in laws) because they just don’t get it, or think I’m just over reacting or that he’s just tired or having a temper tantrum.