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Original poster

Would you be offended if your dh wasn’t sure he wanted you there at a medical appointment

101 replies

Lardlizard · 14/11/2020 13:45

Not said no just that he would think about it

It’s a back appointment so nothing too personal

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/11/2020 15:31

Is this is GP appointment for a new problem, or a consultant appointment for an ongoing issue?

If it's just "my back hurts, I'm going to the doctor" then I wouldn't expect a partner to attend, and him asking to is a bit weird.

If it's an ongoing issue that's effectively a disability, and this appointment is to talk about treatment options, and/or discuss the impact on every day life, then having a partner there might be helpful so they can concentrate on the practical issues, e.g. if you need surgery what will your recovery period look like, etc.

Have you had problems in the past feeling intimidated at medical appointments, or not retaining information (which can often be very confusing)? I used to attend my husband's appointments with him because he had a horrible habit of hearing "There's a 0.1% risk of this happening long term" and come out believing he'd been told he'd be in a wheelchair this time next year. He also had a tendency to throw a tantrum and strop off if he was kept waiting more than 15 mins past his appointment time, despite not needing to be anywhere...

So I think we'd need more context to say whether YABU or YANBU, but I'm sure you can work it out for yourself. At the end of the day, as plenty have said, it's your health and your choice. You have a right to privacy. But if it impacts on family life (potentially), then you may wish to consider bringing him into the appointment or making a voice recording while you're there (I've never had a doctor refuse this.)

cardswapping · 14/11/2020 15:32

Wow, do able adults actually go to other able adults medical appointments?

AlternativePerspective · 14/11/2020 15:33

TBH I think that it very much can depend on the kind of appointment. If it’s something straightforward then no need really, but if it’s something more involved then it can be useful to have someone else there because you can easily forget or be overwhelmed by everything that was said.

My parents usually come to my cardiology appointments because they generally drive and I don’t. It does irritate me a bit when they or my partner insist I can’t possibly go alone, but on the other hand it’s life or death stuff that gets discussed in those appointments. Prognoses and outcomes and the need for heart transplants and when my deterioration might happen etc. That’s stuff which doesn’t just affect me, it will affect everyone else who is in my life as well, and tbh some of the stuff can be a bit full-on like when the dr told me in ICU that I was ineligible for transplant and would be sent home to die at some point, and I was on my own for that... (fortunately I hav had some interim interventions so dying isn’t quite on the radar yet, and my eligibility status has now hopefully changed,)

@ BuggerationFlavouredCrisps that is shocking, and tbh I would question a relationship where someone didn’t tell their partner they had a life threatening illness and would be having serious treatment. How did he explain cutting you out of such an important life issue?

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cardswapping · 14/11/2020 15:34

Caught up. It is a reverse. Well I confirm. Able adults do not usually go with other able adults to medical appointments.

Is he afraid of what you might say to the GP? Is he violent/addicted/something else you could get help for?

pinkksugarmouse · 14/11/2020 15:36

DH accompanied me to my first two massage appointments (long-term health condition) to learn how to assist me in between appointments. There are places I couldn't reach. This was just for information. He hasn't come since (and not just because of Covid).

He comes to my Rheumatology ones because I have no sense of direction and it's two bus rides away but stays in the waiting room.

LittleOverwhelmed · 14/11/2020 15:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

pinkksugarmouse · 14/11/2020 15:39

@pinkksugarmouse

DD (nearly 18) has been going in alone since she was about 13. She knows I will go in if she wants me to but I always assume she would tell me. She has been doing her own research into vaccinations since she was 12.

I wait in the waiting room and don't ask questions unless its for practical reasons booking blood tests etc. I deal with all her "admin" (at her request) because she is really bad at this. But this is something I will be reducing because she needs to learn.

Don't take it personally, our job as parents is to pretty much make ourselves redundant.

Ah apologies. I thought you were referring to an older child. I didn't see that you wrote DD. My bad.

If it's an adult then unless there is a specific reason eg: they need to be shown how to assist with a treatment and you wouldn't be able to show them/explain then it's just not necessary to be there.

unmanagable · 14/11/2020 15:40

I would be more surprised if he did want me there , can imagine why he would tbh

pinkksugarmouse · 14/11/2020 15:41

Ahhh DH not DD. I think I had best come off here for a bit. Lol.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2020 15:42

I absolutely hate this reverse bullshit.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 14/11/2020 15:44

bloodywhitecat I'm so sorry Flowers

I can see why some people post reverses. If you're in a situation with a controlling person you can sometimes doubt your own mind and sanity if there's gaslighting involved. And these relationships are far more common than people think. In cases like that a woman can get to a stage where she doesn't know if her own desires are valid. Therefore posing a question as a reverse is a way of trying to be "objective" and receive "objective" replies.

I think that there may possibly be a lot going on for you Op. Are you ok? The Relationships board can be a better place for these discussions .

diddl · 14/11/2020 15:58

He's offended because you don't know whether or not you want him there?

Is he going to sulk or guilt trip until you say yes?

Does he like you to be at his appointments & can't/won't see that some adults do things differently?

seven201 · 14/11/2020 17:18

Of course I wouldn't be offended. He's probably not even allowed to go with you anyway at the moment.

sunflowershine · 14/11/2020 17:21

No I would find it weird if he wanted me there unless he needed my help. I'd take him if he was likely to have something that hurt/made not hard or dangerous for him to drive etc but other than that I'd assume he'd sort himself out.

I wouldn't ask him to come to my appointments either unless agin I was hurt/in pain/needed help or a driver! Pregnancy ones he only came to the scans, everything else I did myself.

Why would you want to go?

notangelinajolie · 14/11/2020 17:21

No. I'd be relieved, doctor/hospital appointments send my anxiety levels over the edge. I'd be no use to anyone.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 14/11/2020 17:33

Can completely see why people do a reverse because as someone else said there are folk waiting ready to tell the OP they are unreasonable no matter what.
It has happened here. People turning on a sixpence with the 'maybe he is worried' 'maybe he thinks you won't remember everything you are told' 'depending on the type of appointment'

Classic Mumsnet!

In answer to your question - your medical appointment, your choice. I prefer to go in alone. I don't want to be thinking of anyone else whilst in there. You get to decide.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 14/11/2020 18:27

I have only ever insisted on going with my DH to a couple of appointments and like a pp you t was down to depression-he wasn’t a good advocate for himself then.

Other than that I have passively asked if he needs me and he says no and I don’t in the slightest bit take offence. And likewise he doesn’t attend mine with me.

tatyr · 14/11/2020 18:53

I have asked my partner if I could go with him for one appointment, to see his epilepsy consultant. As I've been the only witness to his seizures, and he has no memory of the events, I felt it would be helpful. Since then I've sent a written record of any updates with him, but he's been in for many tests and appointments without me. I've waited in the car when he couldn't drive.

I think my circumstances are quite obvious why I would ask to attend, he's never asked to go with me to an appt

notacooldad · 14/11/2020 19:44

Wow, do able adults actually go to other able adults medical appointments?
If you are expecting some serious news or there is a complicated procedure involved, then yes.
My dad often went with my mum for her cancer appointments especially as the cancer developed and it became quite frightening for her.
He is a tower of strength for her. He would remember thing that the doctor had I'd would ask questions that mum hadn't thought of.
I don't see anything wrong with that.

bloodywhitecat · 14/11/2020 19:58

@cardswapping

Wow, do able adults actually go to other able adults medical appointments?
Yes. Because when you are told you have pancreatic cancer and 6 months to live without treatment and 12 months with chemo it tends to hit you like an express train and you take in fuck all of what is said to you no matter how 'able' you are.
bengalcat · 14/11/2020 19:59

Wouldn’t be bothered at all

mindutopia · 14/11/2020 20:08

No, I think it’s weird to want to go to someone else’s appointment. I wouldn’t have even wanted Dh at my midwife appointments. The scan, sure, fine, but nothing else.

User56770987 · 14/11/2020 20:28

Probably wouldn't be allowed anyway as hospitals and clinics trying to keep footfall down because of coronavirus

MountainDweller · 14/11/2020 22:24

I suppose it depends on the type of appointment - for example if you are having a cortisone injection in your back you might appreciate him driving home as your leg could be numb! But assuming it's a straightforward consultation, there's not really any reason for him to come with you or throw a strop because he can't.

DH has been to plenty of appointments with me, but only at my request, usually for practical reasons such as my leg being in a cast or me having treatment after which I am advised not to drive. If it's a consultation he usually comes in rather than sit in the waiting room. He's also come with me for support, eg pre-surgery.

NoSquirrels · 14/11/2020 22:27

But weird. I’d never take my DH to a medical appointment unless it was something like pregnancy scan.

I’ve accompanied him only once, when he was having a mental health issue.

Odd to expect to go, I reckon.