Deathtrap at friend's house WWYD

[Carouselfish]

Dc5 has a close friend aged 6, I'm also good friends with their mum. They rent on private land and the landowner has a covered pool next to their house. It's covered with fabric that is coming untied and has been unused for years - apparently it's full of dead creatures and gunk.
Where my mum works there is also a pool with a fabric covering. Ex-SAS co-worker says they are a deathtrap - that even he would drown if he went across the covering and capsized as they stop you being able to swim.
Friend of DC is well behaved and his mother isn't worried about friend going near it, and stores several toys next to it. Older sibling has even run across it in the past.
My DC is a daredevil. If told something is dangerous she almost wants to do it more to prove she's brave.
Before I realised this pool was so accessible (not sure if it's lockable) DC went round for playdates without me and it's been fine. My DP has since told me that he found DC and friend next to the pool during a house party there and when I was last round there, they went to it again to get out an electric ride-on. My friend wants her to come round again and I've been putting it off for ages as the whole thought of that pool brings me out in cold sweats.
What do I say to my friend? I don't want to offend her - I just know my DC can NOT be trusted near something like this. I want to keep both the friendships going and this stalling is making it very very awkward.

I would say what you’ve said here - your DC can not be trusted and so you don’t feel comfortable with her going round for play dates anymore. I wouldn’t budge on this, it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen even if your friend offers to watch them closer etc it only takes a few seconds for something awful to happen when it comes to water

Honestly, not worth the risk, no matter how small it may be. Can they keep coming round to yours?

Totally agree. I was a wild little daredevil at that age and I would be running across that in a heartbeat. The temptation would be too strong.

And I was a water baby - swimming really well for age three so I always thought any warnings about drowning were for non swimmers.

I remember age 7 arguing with a life guard that I absolutely could put armband on my ankles to float upside down and he was being ridiculous by blowing his silly whistle at me - I was a swimmer!!

Explain this to your friend - you child thinks she is invincible and the swimming pool is too dangerous and tempting.

"DD would love to come and play. But I have been having nightmares about her daredevil ways and your landlord's pool. Can you lock that area? If not I just can't ask you to be responsible for her at yours, she's too much of a harum scarum. Sorry it's taken so long to say this! I felt a bit awkward about it. I really want the kids to be good friends."

Keep it to the fact that your child can not be trusted and will absolutely do something stupid so you don’t want your friend to have that responsibility

Fair point but I dont see what the SAS have to do with it

I agree with PPs, like many kids I would have seen it as a challenge, theres no way my children would be playing there and I generally let them run a bit wild compared to a lot of their friends.

Friend of DC is well behaved and his mother isn't worried about friend going near it, and stores several toys next to it. Older sibling has even run across it in the past.

Not sure if I've read this wrong, but it sounds like the hazard is there just as much for their kids as yours (once you remove the red herring of "well behaved").

If I have, sorry. But if I haven't I'd have to say something. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to anybodies child, mine or not.

No way would my child be going there, the thought of what could happen makes me sick.
The friend can come round yours or they can hang out in the park etc.

I could not deal with this, my children were not reliable enough.

Listen to your gut feeling. You would never forgive yourself if you suppressed it and something terrible happened. Explain your concerns politely but firmly to your friend, and invite her and her kids to your house regularly (not sure whether you are UK - lockdown-permitting, obvs).

The landlord should be told to make the pool safe. He’s totally responsible and there’s no way I’d be letting out my property in that condition to someone with children.
Don’t let you dc go there until it’s sorted. It’s not worth the risk.

Drowning is sadly common in age 5 and under.

There are times when it doesn't matter if you offend someone or not. It IS a death trap , and you should say something.

If you just decline invitations, she might have no idea what she has done wrong and feel much worst anyway.

I would also report to the council - not sure what is allowed in this country, but in some you are not even allowed to have an un-gated pool, for obvious reasons

I wouldn't hesitate for one second about this. There is NO way my child would be going round there, British awkwardness or not. Just tell her why.

Also, it's not your kid's 'daredevil' ways that are at fault. It's your mate's pool.

No. I know one child and one dog who died like this.

I wouldn’t let my child go there.

In fact I didn’t when in a similar situation. When he was 6 we knew a family with a pool. It was totally open and they were fine with their children going in and out unsupervised in the summer. Ds is/was a rubbish swimmer. There was no way on earth he was going to be able to play in a pool without constant adult supervision.

I told the mother my reasons and she said she would try and supervise, but I said I wasn’t comfortable. She took it really personally and our friend ship fizzled out , but hey, I’d rather lose a friend than have something terrible happen to my child.

(Should say, he could have been a swimmer to Olympic level and I still wouldn’t have let him go near it without adult supervision).

I'd say,

I can't trust DD to stay away from the pool, she's such a little daredevil. She has shown too much interest in it already. I can't put the responsibility onto you for her safety around it as I know you would never forgive yourself if something bad were to happen and I would never forgive myself for putting us both in that position. Maybe just come round to my house for the time being.

Just say happy to meet elsewhere but DC can't come over to play unless you are supervising because of the pool. If she says she will supervise say you won't put the responsibility on her and that it's non negotiable.

Keep saying no to the play dates. They can come to yours. I have a horrible story about a friends child, please say no. The friendship isn’t worth it. It’s not about being polite or hurting feelings. I think your friend is being very unwise with her own children too. Please don’t let your child go there. I would be completely honest.

Fair point but I dont see what the SAS have to do with it

SAS guys are extremely well trained, physically strong people with a high sense of survival skills. If even he would be in danger, that's saying something. That's the point.

I would be polite but honest and direct.

Say that you are not happy with the safety of covered pools like this, and that while it is her choice to have this accessible in her garden you are not able to trust your DD not to attempt to run across it, or be a speeding daredevil on an electric ride on, and by accident or being a daredevil, ends up in the pool, trapped and not visible under the cover.

Just say you really enjoy the kids playing together and she hand her child are more than welcome at yours, but you are not happy with DD playing in her garden.

I am amazed that it is legal to rent a house with such a deathtrap in the garden.

The dodgy cover makes it worse than an open pool.

I think I would just tell her the truth, if she takes offence so be it. The thought of it makes my blood run cold too. How easy would it be for a child to slip under the cover unnoticed? Not worth the risk.

I would tell her why I didn't want my daughter to go visit, but I'd also tell her how dangerous it is for her children. I'd say something along the lines of not wanting to offend her but I can't live with myself if I don't warn her how dangerous it is. Say that hearing about the older children running over it made my blood run cold. It doesn't take much googling to find the articles reporting the deaths.