Deathtrap at friend's house WWYD

[Carouselfish]

Dc5 has a close friend aged 6, I'm also good friends with their mum. They rent on private land and the landowner has a covered pool next to their house. It's covered with fabric that is coming untied and has been unused for years - apparently it's full of dead creatures and gunk.
Where my mum works there is also a pool with a fabric covering. Ex-SAS co-worker says they are a deathtrap - that even he would drown if he went across the covering and capsized as they stop you being able to swim.
Friend of DC is well behaved and his mother isn't worried about friend going near it, and stores several toys next to it. Older sibling has even run across it in the past.
My DC is a daredevil. If told something is dangerous she almost wants to do it more to prove she's brave.
Before I realised this pool was so accessible (not sure if it's lockable) DC went round for playdates without me and it's been fine. My DP has since told me that he found DC and friend next to the pool during a house party there and when I was last round there, they went to it again to get out an electric ride-on. My friend wants her to come round again and I've been putting it off for ages as the whole thought of that pool brings me out in cold sweats.
What do I say to my friend? I don't want to offend her - I just know my DC can NOT be trusted near something like this. I want to keep both the friendships going and this stalling is making it very very awkward.

Not read PPs but landlord should comply with safety regulations for pool - using a child proof fence and an alarm.

It’s so not worth it, unfortunately our family knows all too well having lost our cousin who fell into their covered pool

Just explain about how worried you are when your dare devil children is out of your sight. Have the play dates at yours until you can be certain your child has a level of responsibility or maybe suggest going off to a country park children plus parents when lockdown and restrictions are over. At the moment your child shouldn’t be having play dates.

“Sorry friend, we’re in the middle of a lockdown so we shouldn’t be visiting your house anyway”

Ultimately it becomes what are you most worried about. Your child’s safety and possible lose of life or a friendship. It isn’t really worth deliberating over.

Tell her your anxious about pools, any pools. Pretend you have reacurring nightmares on them. Sorry I know it's crazy but I can't help it!

@csigeek

“Sorry friend, we’re in the middle of a lockdown so we shouldn’t be visiting your house anyway”

OP hasn't mentioned her location. Meeting in private gardens is allowed in this part of the UK, and OP may not be in any part of the UK at all.

OP, I think it's worth risking the friendship here for pure honesty tbh.

Last year I saved my friend from almost drowning in the deep end of a well supervised indoor public pool. She went to swim and instead she completely froze and sank like a stone. No fight, no flapping, just straight down.

Funnily enough I'd just joked to her that I couldn't save her if she was drowning so she should at least swim to the shallow end first and we laughed.

It only lasted a few seconds. I can swim but I'm definitely not a strong swimmer. My instinct kicked in, and I dropped under the water with one hand on the edge, grabbed her under the arm and pulled her up from the bottom.

She was absolutely fine, if a little shocked, but I wasn't. It scared me thinking that if I wasn't there, she genuinely could have died and no one would probably know until someone bumped into her body while swimming.

We were both late 20s. Absolutely NO WAY would I allow my child to be in an area like that without constant adult supervision. Even if they were the best behaved child in the world

Are you not in lockdown where you are?

@ThePlantsitter

"DD would love to come and play. But I have been having nightmares about her daredevil ways and your landlord's pool. Can you lock that area? If not I just can't ask you to be responsible for her at yours, she's too much of a harum scarum. Sorry it's taken so long to say this! I felt a bit awkward about it. I really want the kids to be good friends."

If you’re not sure how to word it, this is good.

Marshmallow that’s scary, how did that happen? Every so often I think I should improve my swimming but that kind of thing scares me!

Nope nope noppity nope.
The house next door to my aunties had a pool with a cover like this.
They had a family bbq with lots of people around. Nobody noticed the two year old had disappeared until too late. He crawled out onto the pool cover, it wasn't tied down properly, he slipped under and the corner of the cover floated back up.
He was bought into my aunties house in a desperate attempt at resuscitation but it didn't work. It was awful.
I was only about 5/6 at the time but I remember it so clearly.
I sorry if it sounds over dramatic but you are not being over cautious- it's an accident waiting to happen.

Then communicate.

Why is this such a hard concept for mumsnetters?

Just say you would love her to play but sadly her pool is too accessible and your DC cannot be trusted but her child is welcome to come to yours.

Job done.

I’ve ran across several of them and there is a knack to it which I absolutely won’t share as it’s still very dangerous. I wouldn’t let a child on one even if I was there, never mind if I wasn’t. No way would a 7 year old survive if they started to sink. Also, if it is an old cover it’ll have degraded and if a child goes through one then there’ll be no hope.

@MindyStClaire are you not in lockdown I thought the whole of uk was til December

[quote Christmasfairy2020]@MindyStClaire are you not in lockdown I thought the whole of uk was til December[/quote]
The different parts of the UK had different rules and timings. I'm in NI, our second lockdown started earlier than England, but non essential shops have stayed open, schools closed for an extra week, and as per the extract below we're allowed meet in gardens.

Up to six people from no more than two households can meet up outdoors in a private garden, but you should maintain social distancing. Children aged 12 and under are not counted in this total.

Always trust your gut.

Tell the friend the truth, there’s nothing to get offended about, she is a mum herself if she can’t understand the concern that’s quite worrying.

Be honest and straightforward. Let your friend know that you feel it is too risky for your DC. Suggest something else.

@AcornAutumn she suffers from anxiety and usually in certain situations she'll tense up and freeze until she snaps back to reality. Fine on land but turns out not so great on water. We were trying to get her swimming more because she wanted to learn and I was helping by being with her, giving her tips etc to boost her confidence in water. I'm by no means an expert, but I've at least been swimming since about 6 or 7 on and off.

Weirdly it's me who hasn't been back to a pool since. She felt comfortable going to the deep end, whereas I have a real phobia of open water so if my feet can't touch the ground I panic, but I was getting better with it and decided to accompany her to the deep end in case she had a panic attack or something so I could coax her back along the edge.

Drownings are one of the highest causes of death amongst young children.
Children are naturally drawn to water from a very young age and I'm really surprised your friend is so ignorant about her own child being allowed to go going near it.
Trust your instincts you are definitely doing the right thing imo.

Your mum senses are powerful for a reason. A big no to going there but why not try to persuade her to get the landlord to empty it, since it's unused. Far safer for everyone in the future. She could even tell the landlord her child has a few daredevil friends - that might make them prioritise moving it as the landlord wouldn't come out well if something awful happened.

Is it just a flimsy summer cover not a full winterised one which is strapped down correctly? If the former then no I would not let my child play there.
Even if it was a winter one, going by the lack of maintenance of the pool I wouldn't trust maintenance of the cover.

Also I'm surprised your friend agreed to the tenancy with such a death trap in the garden.

Tell her your anxious about pools, any pools. Pretend you have reacurring nightmares on them. Sorry I know it's crazy but I can't help it!
I don't agree. It's not crazy, it's completely dangerous and her friend may not have realised just how much - she needs to know!

My sister has a very deep pond, like nearly 2m deep, not covered. If my son goes outside with his older cousins, I usually stand at the door watching. A couple of years ago, (I think he was 4 or 5), I wasn’t paying as much attention and suddenly my niece brought him in crying, soaking wet and covered in green pond slime. They were playing football with my nephew and he had just stepped back and toppled backwards, headfirst, into the pond. My son said he thought of his swimming lessons and went into a mushroom float and spun round. My niece heard the splash and pulled him out. We laugh about it but I was really shocked, thinking how easy it could have been, to have a very different outcome. So I would say, explain to the child’s mum. Suggest meeting at a park for now, go for walks etc, and then invite her round your’s. When you are allowed, go to her’s and stay inside the house. But I would also strongly recommend she contacts the landlord about it, just to be on the safe side with her kids.

This sent shivers, I know of a family who experienced a tragedy because of a pool which had been left like this, I cannot believe she is so relaxed about it