Parents of secondary kids

[MrsJunglelow]

How troublesome are their schools?

Mine is in a state school with one of the best reputations in the area.
It’s an ‘average’ area, not massively rich and not deprived.

In the short few months DS has been there I’ve been blown away, and not in a good way, by the behaviour I’m both witnessing and hearing about.

Multiple fights, one witnessed by me just today with all the teachers crowded around, kids getting picked on and hit by other children either unprovoked or for very, very minor things both in school grounds and outside.
All filmed and circulated round social media.

Appalling language, lots of fucking this and fucking that, a kid a couple of days ago shouting at another child that they were wanted to suck off someones dick.

Conversations overheard about fighting and homophobic language.

Someone DS knows allegedly had a knife pulled on him (in school grounds)

What with this and the seemingly increasing violent crimes; knife crime mostly being reported in my area, honestly, I’m feeling really uncomfortable.
I’ve told DH I think I want to move but he says it’s like this everywhere now?
That gang culture has filtered down and I’d present everywhere?

I went to so called "better schools"

Hated them. Was bullied in the naice village pre school then bullied at the naice little c of e school then off to secondary school in the still much sought after school.

Being pestered for dates and blow jobs in art class , called a lesbian ( like I gave a shit about being thought if as gay) frigid/slag. There were fights. My brother fractured his ankle on one

He was also the one who took paracetamol to the school having carved an e on the top with a compass...

My friends were actually the " rejects" who no one came near and I couldn't have asked for a better group. Kind, honest, genuine.

Its what "chav" stands for which is unnecessary. Might be worth re naming the group of people you were referring to. Just shits probably sums it up

Also to add my dd1 went to a village school. A classmate brought in pocket knives.

No issues in dd2s class yet.

Also had a friend who's oldest child attended the same village school I did. Had to remove her kid due to bullying poor buggers legs were covered in bruises

Is it a city school? That's very frightening

@DuesToTheDirt that was very hard to read, how awful. I live in central B’ham and I’m told I’m far too protective of my children but this is the reality - people (especially angry teenagers) can be unpredictable and can switch over something incredibly minor. It’s scary.

I think everywhere can have incidents like that, but not everywhere has it on scale, that takes a lot more systemic issues than some kids trying to act tough -- and some of the scale can get overblown by parents with social media.

So yes, there has been nasty language from a few at my DDs' school, there have been fights and kids circulating videos them on social media, but the school (eventually) clamped down on it and some of the fights were provoked/involved parents who showed up to shout at people who were accused of being bullies in the parenting group rather than let the school handle it. I don't think they've handled it perfectly - letting out time seems to be a free for all, their social media guidelines seem far more focused on the school's reputation than I'd like compared to bullying and my DD2 has been promised to be moved forms since before half-term due to issues with no signs of it actually happening - but social media made it look far worse than reality.

My DS has had one issue with some girls harassing him one day (he was 15, they were 17-18 - and they knew he was younger because he has to wear a neon '[College name] Pre-16' lanyard when on campus), staff dealt with it swiftly, I was contacted and had everything talked though, and we've had no problems since. This is an city college known for alternative provisions, having students who struggled in other schools/failed GCSEs, and generally seen as the fall back option after other schools in the area even when it does far better than many of them pastorally and in many areas academically.

Yes there are gangs. In inner cities. And other areas, moving every day more and more into suburban areas. If you choose to live there, that's your choice.

This made me laugh. My spouse comes from a tiny fishing village, and both his peers and the kids there now could give inner city kids near me a run for their money when it comes to foul language, violence, drug use, gangs and anti-social behaviour.

I'm reminded of a high school I transferred to that loved to say how it doesn't have issues like the nearby city like violence, drugs, and teen pregnancies - it did, it just had the funding with higher property taxes (US) to brush things under the carpet and push kids into alternative options that just so happened to be in the city. When a classmate of mine got pregnant, she was given an ultimatum and the school paper was repeatedly reminded how we couldn't print things that might bring the school into disrepute. Now it's internationally known as the high school of a notorious rapist so that worked well for them.

Affluent area, suddenly become commuter belt but lots of what were villages that are now being developed into towns. Schools currently have massive catchments so are large.
Grammar behaviour is horrific compared to the local comp, it’s like the grammar have no idea how to deal with it. bullying, homophobic slurs and sexual threats.

The comp, a few fights, bad language and the bolshy walking too and from but that’s it However I do expect that to get worse when covid is over and there’s more movement within the school!

Local private school is rife for drugs, but there are agreements with parents in keeping it quiet as it’s in no ones favour to advertise that fact

Why can’t kids who want to get on just be able to get on. None of this would be acceptable in the work place so why do we expect kids to put up with it.

Is it a city school?
Large town

I’m told I’m far too protective of my children
Me and DH have been regularly accused of this.

We literally don’t let the children out of our sight, don’t allow them to play outside in the street etc.
Sometimes I think we are overprotective, then I think of the report of the child near us that was stripped naked and beaten (by other children), the stories I’ve heard from other parents of their children being attacked and pulled off their bikes (by other kids), having their phones stolen etc and think no, it’s necessary now.

There has been some low level snidey bullying that our DTs have been victims of but that's about it. The school is very strict on anything homophobic or racist and comes down hard. Behaviour is usually quite good, again there's the usual suspects but low in number. Anyone caught in school uniform with cigarettes/ vapes also fall foul of school policy and it is followed up if reported

@52andblue

My ds is at an Academy in a deprived area and its awful. He has told Caamhs that he 'feels unsafe 80% of the time'. His best friend goes to the other posher state school 15 miles away. Parents move to the area to get in. His friend is bullied relentlessly. A child I know there with Down's syndrome was beaten so badly the Police were involved. It's horrible.

The final paragraph here is particularly shocking and saddening. Three teens at a grammar - all are happy and thriving. They've never mentioned bullying or racism. The school has high expectations of behaviour, and parents seem largely supportive. All my DC's friends - at least, the ones I have met - are respectful and polite. All expected to do A levels and move onto university Having read this thread, I feel very, very lucky.

A good strong leadership team and robust policies that are firmly adhered to needs to be in place. It’s really upsetting to hear of so many schools that have the issues being discussed here.

this

Part of me thinks the ethos of the school is not to crush the spirit of tomorrow's leaders. Which I hate.

and this

schools are definitely not all like some of the horrors described but you really need to do your research.

we all want our DC to get good exam results so I think its easy to fall into the trap of focusing on that and even ofsted ratings to an extent, but good exam results and ofsted doesn’t equal good behaviour at all IME. A carpark full of range rover sports doesn't mean impeccable DC at all, though it may indicate lots of extra tutoring. A PP mentioned approaching it forensically and I agree. Its the ethos you need to examine, it makes all the difference.

Mine have been to a range of schools and the best by far has high expectations of good behaviour and a strict discipline policy to back it up. The DC all know where they stand and appreciate how privileged they are (indy). The DC no doubt know all the swears but they wouldn’t dare use them in earshot of an adult and fighting, weapons, sexual activity, drugs would be an instant sanction or expulsion. And if parents don’t like it, their child is welcome to be educated elsewhere.

The worst locally is ofsted outstanding with good exam results and a 'caring’ ethos. Bullying is rife and I hear that staff have to police the loos because of sex for cash in there lately. I gather the most notorious DC have parents who don’t believe in saying ‘no’ because it crushes their confidence or some bollocks. If they’re disciplined at school or accused of bullying the parents go in to raise hell (blame the school, gang up with their parent clique and blame the victim) while DC on the receiving end are just told to learn to be more ‘resilient’ (whatever the fuck that means when someone is constantly deliberately hurting you). And this is quite an affluent area, very little deprivation.

OP when you're looking at schools, thoroughly research behaviour and discipline for a higher bar as a basic expectation. Ask around locally, talk to the SLT and get a feel for the place don't just read the policy. Mine aren't badly behaved but with that in place if there is a problem the victim isn't cannon fodder and the offender can expect a proper bollocking.

DCs both in local state secondary. Quite a deprived area with a varied intake. Behaviour is nothing like what the OP describes (thankfully) although it's difficult with the kids kept in areas too small for their year groups because of Covid. Some bad behaviour and disruption, a bit of swearing, and the occasional fight which is pretty quickly dealt with by SLT. The response to homophobia and racism is very quick too (both seem rare, from what I hear).

London comp, takes lots of kids that are excluded elsewhere. Impressive range of hairstyles and nail colours they 'forget' to take off, but outside school I'm yet to see bad behaviour and quiet ds is happy with it.

The school with fights outside every day and an air of violence inside is the one that everyone was desperate to get into but staff now don't really care. To be fair, half the kids in the fights are from further afield trying to mug the perceived richer kids.

The other two secondaries I know are somewhere in between. All I'd say is don't listen to out-of-date gossip - reputations are always 5-10 years behind.

I agree about reputations, schools are only as good as their headteacher IMO.

As explained up thread my DD school is rated outstanding, but hasn't had an Ofsted for 10 years. I have come to learn that the school selects the top performing pupils in each year and focuses on them to keep the grades high and then force the less able pupils to take a minimum of GCSEs so as not to drag the grades down - even if they enjoy a subject but are perceived to be weak in it they are forced to drop it. The 6th form is also highly highly selective.

The current HT is very very weak and unstreet wise.

I think it's true, that whilst results are a very good indicator of how good a school is, with my DD school it is all smoke and mirrors.

Everyone is desperate to get their kids in due to its reputation but ironically a number of children have left year 8 this year because they are so unhappy and these places are being taken up by kids coming from the other rubbish school in town and my DD seems to think they have been excluded as they are running riot.

Nothing like that in either of my DCs' secondaries. The odd fight, maybe once a year, but swiftly dealt with.

They do have a few issues with drug taking, and do permanently exclude a handful by year 11, but neither of my dcs have had any bad experiences at all.