Would you be with someone less educated than you?

[tt3t]

I was talking to a friend, and she mentioned that a male in our friend group said he liked me but wouldn't want to be in a relationship as I didn't go to university. I thought if you like someone and get on well, that shouldn't matter.

Does this matter to you? Would/did you consider this when choosing a partner?

I think that a relationship where the partners are similar in intelligence, priorities and general world view is more likely to succeed long term than one where there is a big imbalance. I wouldn't want to spend my life with a partner who was a great deal less intelligent than me but I wouldn't judge that by exam results. There are all kinds of reasons why a bright person may not have been to University. I don't think being intelligent makes you nice or good either, but I do think that it puts a strain on a relationship eventually if partners don't have enough in common.

OK an example - my friend is a lawyer, her DH is a professional sportsperson. Not football or any major sport, they’re not millionaires! He’s successful but not educated. They have lots in common otherwise.

But...they have DC now and she’s arguing with him because he doesn’t prioritise their schooling at all. Makes comments that school isn’t important, tries to undermine her making choices eg where to live for better schools etc. She’s become more aware of the disconnect in their values on education.

I have a PhD and DH, when we met, only had A levels. But we got on, related intellectually, and he has now (after being made redundant) done a BSc and an MSc and he got better grades than I did. He didn't really need to go to university the first time round and his family didn't really understand why he would need to, it was in the 70s when it was really uncommon anyway.

He sounds like a knob. But equal intelligence is important.

Dh has few qualifications, but he's exceptionally bright. Plus the most quick witted person I've ever met. Many others say that about him too.

I'm a great believer that at your core should be a shared set of values. For me, this does include approach to education. However, it doesn't include educational success. My dh is equal in education and outstrips me in intelligence. However, if all other core values matched (approach to financial decisions, careers, parenting, morals, families and friends) i probably would have given a relationship a chance, however university and experiences around it are significant so a large area of sharec experience would be missing.

Absolutely not. What a horrible snob he must be.

@turnitonagain. I knew what you meant, I was just saying over the long haul, it’s ongoing intellectual curiosity that makes someone most interesting, lYSWIM.

My DH has a postgraduate degree in the sciences, but what I find most attractive about him is his overall intellectual curiosity- he’s always reading up on history and politics, willing to go to museums and concerts, travel, sports matches, etc. His interests stretch way beyond his areas of expertise and he’s willing to learn about something new.

I find that more interesting than someone who sticks to what they’re comfortable with. I do know a few people like that IRL and it’s abit limiting after a while.

It wouldn't matter to me. I know a university professor who is an idiot, and I've know some very clever people working in retail. Not every intelligent person wants to go to university. As long as you share the same values and beliefs and get on well together that is far more important. Education snobs can do one as far as I'm concerned, just like class snobs.

Um. Well, my education history is patchy... 😂 I walked out of my first degree as it was, um, a mismatch in ethos terms. Became a military officer instead, then went back and got a different degree. Have several unfinished MA and MSc in the closet (and a phd that I was offered but emigrated instead). If we’re being wanky, you could use ‘multipotentiality’, or you could peer hard at ADD ds1 and then harder at his mother. Anyhoo, there is literally no way that I could be with someone who didn’t have the potential for academic rigour, even if they hadn’t demonstrated it.
Dh thinks he’s ace because he got a crappy engineering Desmond that he literally got paid a fortune to do, whereas my first is in a meaningless humanities area which is fiscally worthless. He literally got paid again to do his masters (and I don’t mean funded while working, I mean a year on full pay to just do that, same as his first degree) while I was working, trying to grow three humans, and studying part time, while keeping the small people out of daddy’s hair.)
But I’d still rather argue with him about the relative merits of the Arts (biggest mistake I ever made was taking him to Avenue Q) and fantasize about one day finishing a sodding doctorate, than live with someone who didn’t value intellectual curiousity, knowledge, and a keen ability to interpret general life and cut out the bullshit.
Yo man might be bullshit that needs cutting out.
Intellectual snobbery is totally a thing though. In a partner? Yes, I’m an intellectual snob. I don’t give a fuck who has a degree though.

I know people who are intelligent, interesting, knowledgeable and know what's happening in the news despite never going to college.
I also know people that despite been regarded as well educated have very little ability to deal with people. Then you have some educated people who regard people who did not go to college as less intelligent as themselves.

I have a good education. I am interested in current affairs. I have traveled a bit and hope to travel more in the next few years. I have worked in a number of different jobs and I hope to change jobs in the new year. I have friends who are university graduates and friends who are not.
I personally could not be with a man who only interests are a football team, the pub, meeting up with his mates, playing computer games and who's long term unemployed.
I want to be with someone who's employed or self employed, who's reads, is interested in current affairs and likes to travel as I like them to kibe knowledgeable and be willing to chat about these subjects.

I'm one of those educated not very smart (and studied like crazy) people. I graduated from a prestigious university with a 1st in a very academically recognised subject. And I'm the main household earner.

My DH was considered special needs at school.

We both have the same sense of humour, same love language and would die for each other.

Other than having some spelling mistakes in his texts, and me knowing that I deal with the house bills (as he may read a billing date or price wrong) it doesn't really affect our relationship.

I think it’s actually so embarrassing when people come out with things like “I wouldn’t date someone who didn’t have a degree”. It shows complete lack of life experience and emotional maturity. Plenty of people didn’t go to university for all kinds of reasons - it doesn’t mean they’re less intelligent than anyone else who has a degree. You can’t always use academic success as an indication of how intelligent someone is.

I was accepted into Oxford. I never went because my Gran - who I lived with and adored after she “rescued” me from my schizophrenic and alcoholic mother- got terminal bowel cancer so I nursed her at home instead. I never went to university.

People are just showing themselves to be stupid by excluding people with a degree.

*without (!)

Level of education really has very little to do with intelligence, I went to oxbridge, I had classmates who would struggle to find Spain on a map.

Some people will say things similar to “x doesn’t value education because he/she didn’t go to university” “x doesn’t value education because they don’t put school as a number one priority” no, if someone doesn’t value education they don’t value it even if they do go to university, or live near a ‘good’ school. Linking the two just shows a poor thought process. My parents valued education, to the extent that school was the priority, not developing as a person, not emotional intelligence, not having fun or developing friendships, you know the actual skills you need in daily life.

My partner went to university, he is intelligent, but very little of his intelligence is linked to his degree.
My ex is possibly the most intelligent person I personally know, his highest level of qualification is GCSE. He is also the wealthiest person I know, he values education very highly, but has the intelligence to realise that education isn’t about gaining qualifications at all, its about developing knowledge.

I thought not, but my foray into online dating was revealing, I had very negative experiences from guys who weren't university educated, was called posh (I'm not) and criticised for using long words aka normal language! My dp is slightly less educated because I have a masters but very successful. My experience is men are intimidated by women who know more than them alas

The "went to university" tickbox can be a good shortcut for finding someone who is a match in terms of background, intelligence level and values.

I mean obviously the tickbox approach isn't great and relationships can work despite mismatches but people take shortcuts. If I met someone I liked and subsequently found out they hadn't gone to uni it wouldn't put me off, if I was online dating I might use it as a filter.

@movingonup20

I thought not, but my foray into online dating was revealing, I had very negative experiences from guys who weren't university educated, was called posh (I'm not) and criticised for using long words aka normal language! My dp is slightly less educated because I have a masters but very successful. My experience is men are intimidated by women who know more than them alas

This was also my experience. A few dates in and snide comments about me thinking I know everything trickled in. Was not a problem with men who had a similar education level.

My husband is 'less educated' than me. It made no difference and was not even something I thought about when we got together. On a number of fronts I'd say he's more intelligent than me, we're just good at different things.

I wouldn't date someone who hadn't been to university, because it's not about intelligence but similar experiences and world view. I don't think degrees confer any additional knowledge you can't get from a lot of reading. But they do shape your friendship circles, and it would be hard to assimilate someone into my life who hadn't had those formative adult years. I think there can also be a difference in how you perceive the world with or without a degree.

At the end of the day though, people are allowed to have their own criteria for who they date. And instead of taking it as a personal affront, just see it as you being incompatible with what he wants. The same way you may not want to date a man with a lot of debt, or who'd always lived with his mother etc.

Less educated doesn't relate to intelligence. If someone says they need someone to have been to university so they've had the same experiences then I'd suggest that they are the problem. The beauty in life is being with people who've had different experiences.

My DH is a university graduate and I barely finished school, we're at least of equal intelligence and I'm in a much better career with higher earnings and good prospects, and no student loan eating into any bonuses!

Yes I married DH who left school at 16. He worked his way up to the same level as me in the company where we met, so obviously not a moron. He’s got a way about him that is quite sweet. In some respects you can tell he’s never been educated, like he’s got no clue how to write an essay or perform in depth statistical analysis, but has a natural instinct for ‘knowing’ how to do his job.

He’s got a great knowledge of politics and is self taught, has not been far wrong in predicting recent events. It’s refreshing to be with someone who doesn’t have that intellectual snobbery about them. I’d had relationships with two very clever men prior to DH, they viewed people without degrees as inferior.

I do find once you lose this bias, you can find many intelligent folk in all walks of life, they just don’t feel the need to go on about it, and are genuinely happier not having their heads stuck in books or stuck behind a desk all day.

Personally I’ve enjoyed ‘educating’ DH. I’ve learned how to view things from a different perspective and he has learned the importance of books.

I'm in a similar situation to @Fucket.

My experience of dating, and spending time with, men as intelligent, or sometimes more intelligent (generally speaking I tested in the top 5% consistently whilst in education, top of the class etc.) I found demoralising - all they wanted to do was "debate" rather than discuss eg current affairs, and the debate was an excuse for trying to intellectually harangue and beat me into submission. Just awful. Much prefer my gentle DH who genuinely wants to discuss, test ideas out and learn together rather than try to browbeat me into submission because he's got an inferiority complex. He's genuinely proud when I achieve things because he doesn't see us as in competition.

The man is a knob, OP, and not worth dating.

Equal intelligence is important to me. Equal education is not.

I'm degree educated, dh isn't.
The most successful, intelligent, interesting thinker I know left school at 14.
He is also the most successful materially person I know and has a great lifestyle.

Anyone who thinks in the way of the man that said that op is not intelligent in my view and id swerve him. Sounds very narrow and closed.
Another person I adored also only got as far as flunked a levels and again, is hugely successful... And has the most exciting life style!

I agree that it is the intelligence that matters in the main but previously the two has tended to be very linked. The current generation less so as more are following the apprenticeship route and recognition that so many degrees these days are useless and you don't need to be that intelligent to actually graduate!

But significantly different levels of intelligence is nearly always going to be a challenge, but then that often means the relationship doesn't last long anyway so is never really tested