Please be honest, what’s your family life with teenagers like?

[Parbor]

Do you still spend time as a family or are they just off doing their own thing? What’s your relationship like with them? What about technology restrictions/chores?? I feel like we are massively failing at this aspect of parenting!

It’s ok.
I’m very lucky as my teen has a brilliant apprenticeship (17).
He does keep himself to himself, appears for food, occasionally a chat.
Does tend to refuse family things though so holidays, family meals out etc he won’t come with us.

No issues here yet. They’re happy to join in with meals etc. Spend a lot of time on phones and/or Xbox but I’m not concerned about that. They’re polite, funny, loving and helpful when they’re around and I wouldn’t swap them for toddlers for anything whatsoever

Two teenagers here, 18yo DS1 and just turned 13yo DD. DS1, by far my favourite stage of parenting. Had a little phase of expected teenage grunting and moodiness around 14/15 but no major issues. Get along well and can have sensible, adult discussions about politics and the news just as easily as we can joke about what the cat is up to. Non-lockdown times we usually see him for a few hours in the evening and he's usually here all Sunday. When he was at school we limited screen time and no phone in his room but for the last year he's had pretty free reign - he is a young adult now after all and so far has done nothing to make me doubt he can be treated like one! Cooks one or two nights a week, entirely responsible for cleaning his room, solely responsible for care of his pet snake, and can either clean the bathroom or mop the floors once a week. Doesn't do his own washing but it's just easier to do a combined load with bits of everyone's washing.

DD...so far proving to be much more of a handful! Stroppy, slams doors, ignores requests/instructions then storms off when she misses something, endlessly having to be told not to take plates of food in her room. Overall still a good relationship though, I'd say, she does come to us if she has any worries at school or wants to talk about something she's read or heard in the news. More into art than her phone so we don't really have to push too much for limited screen time and she's happy to let us review internet usage etc. Allowed certain social media with private accounts. Cleans her room and changes bedding, washes up 3 days a week, feeds the cats.

We're pretty lucky - so far!! 15 year old is a pleasure. She does spend a lot of time on her phone but also studies hard and has outside interests. Also enjoys spending time with us. 13 year old DS is a different kettle of fish - well behaved, does brilliantly at school but really only wants to be on his computer. He will join in with walks and trips out with good humour though when forced.

I'm crap at making them do chores. They both pick up after themselves and clean their rooms. They have a great attitude in that they'll always help me when asked but they don't have specific chores they have to do daily/weekly.

15 year old is generally lovely. Likes his alone time but willingly has meals and spends time with us - I bought a bingo machine when lockdown 2 was announced and we've played most nights, with it becoming a bit of a habit. Chats and has a great sense of humour. Bit ridiculous on occasion - he came into my office this morning and swung his arm around as he had pins and needles and managed to smash the lightbulb on his head as he hit it with his flying arm - stuff like not knowing his own size/those mad growth spurts are probably the most challenging thing because I cannot fill him and I cannot find enough physical activity to exhaust him now that all his sports are cancelled.

I don't tend to limit technology much - weekdays he knows his phone needs to be off by the time he goes to bed, and knows I expect homework done/handed in on time before any xbox. If he wasn't getting up on time for school during the week I'd look at reducing technology, but it's not been a problem yet.

Chores-wise he will set the table, load the dishwasher and do bits around the house. He wouldn't ever come home from school and independently announce "I'm hoovering upstairs" but if I leave a note on his desk asking him to do it, he'll get on with it. He can do laundry, he babysits DS2 on the odd occasion and he's never in trouble at school, so we rarely clash.

I have a 18 y/o ds, 13 y/o dd and 10 y/o ds. My dd is the most tricky at the moment but we just give her space. But I make sure still to ask her how her life is going and she knows she can come to me at anytime with anything. I do have to pick her up on her rudeness to her brothers and us sometimes. But I do track her periods so we can all be a bit more lenient with her and buy her chocolate etc. 18 y/o ds has given us no trouble other than typical teenage grumpiness. I think the best advice is pick your battles they’re turning into adults they’re going to have different views to you sometimes and it’s ok to voice them.

Sorry forgot to add we don’t limit screen time as long as homework has been done. They all have one chore each, 18 y/o does dishwasher, 13 y/o puts clean washing in people’s room and 10y/o feeds pets

Two DS 15 and 19

The positives
Polite, quiet, funny, get on well, don't argue
Have a social conscious
Interested in politics, economics, and history so we all have something in common to talk about.
Kind, concerned about others.
Tolerant, and laid back.
Meal times are sometimes round the table.
Both come on occasional days out.
Either will do anything I ask and will help.
Tidy, clean in their own space.

Negatives
Too much time procrastinating
Too much time gaming on their Pcs
Both can be a bit lazy
Both need reminding about time, and they don't organise themselves
Late to bed
Started cooking in the kitchen for themselves and leave a mess
Spend hours in the bathroom
One is obsessive about saving money and turns lights out and heating off, whilst the other opens all the windows and turns the heating up, so I'm either boiling or freezing.
The eldest is kookie and talks about some really weird Internet memes I just don't get.
The youngest is desperate for a girlfriend and pinches my skin care stuff.
Neither do any chores or have part time work.
They eat, and eat, and eat.

We have failed as well then OP. In all honesty both teens (15 and 16) still eat meals with us but DD 15 eats quickly, never eats what we eat and sneaks food/snacks up to her room and leaves them there. Bedroom is an absolute disgrace. Neither of them do any set or regular chores as such. I work part time. If asked and reminded they are both capable of doing certain things but they are both pretty resentful about it and efforts are usually half baked/half hearted. In terms of technology bans its difficult because they both need technology for homework. But if they are really out of order I remove all technology for short periods but only as a last resort.

Since March DD 15 has been pretty dreadful and rude. It is like walking on egg shells and our relationship with her is quite strained. She is slightly more tolerant of her dad than me but not brilliant with either of us. uant DS 16 is fine seems a bit more mature spends a lot of time in his room but also spends some time with us. He does speak to us and have conversations with us and has got pretty close to his dad lately as they have similar interests but he has turned into a grumpy beggar on morning since September.

15 was a very tricky age for DS and it certainly has been for DD and compounded with hormones, covid, gcse worries etc.

I think this is often more to do with luck than failure as a parent. My older sibling and me were easy and well behaved teens but my younger sister gave my parents hell. I'm not counting my chickens at all as I have a 10 year old who could well follow in her Auntie's footsteps.

Was very strict with games console while both DSs were in school - they weren't allowed it Monday through to Thursday until after yr 11.....non negotiable! They are now 21 & 19 and still thank me cos they both say they'd not have done so well if they'd been allowed it .

Always ate together as a fam, also did big Sunday/Saturday breakfasts/brunch after footie matches.
Always had a game late Sunday afternoons before roast dinner.
Tried to make them do chores but not always successful.
The boys fought and wrestled non-stop until oldest turned 18, now they're best buddies.
Always tried to do a cinema trip together maybe couple of times a year and everyone had to be available for someone's birthday dinner.

My dd has just turned 20 so just out of the teens bit. My ds is 14. Dd was definitely harder work than my ds. Stroppy shouting slamming doors wouldn't be seen dead with us. Stopped coming on holidays once she turned 18. Pleased to say she is now a generally polite adult that works hard on her apprenticeship. Didn't really see much of her pre lockdown as she had recently passed her driving test so was out and about.
14 yr old ds is much easier. A lot less stroppy. He will join in family activities if they are to his liking. Indoor skateparks etc. He actually loves coming on holiday. As it's family time. He has a amazing sense of humour. He spends a lot of time outdoors on his bike or skateboard so we normally have a daily chat around 9:30pm. Think he also does this as his little
Brother is in bed so it's one on one time. He does small chores each day to earn his pocket money and is actually very good if I forget he will ask what his job is. Also he still gives half hugs.

Forgot to say that we don't limit screen time or have restrictions with his phone in his room as he is very good on a school night he is normally asleep before 11pm.
We did however take my dds phone when she was around 14 as she was up most of the night on her phone.

Our 12 year old DS is nearly 13 so almost a teenager. Gets easily annoyed recently since his voice got lower and he definitely needs his daily shower! He spends a lot of time gaming but that's normal! He is very messy but mostly picks up after himself. We have started enjoying movies that aren't all Marvel and he takes an interest in current affairs, especially if they're gory or rude 😂 we always make time to sit down at the dining table for supper in the evening but everyone eats breakfast at different times and lunch is sometimes eaten separately depending on what everyone is doing. We still go put as a family and went to the Tower of London last week which was great.

@MyEnormousTurnip

No issues here yet. They’re happy to join in with meals etc. Spend a lot of time on phones and/or Xbox but I’m not concerned about that. They’re polite, funny, loving and helpful when they’re around and I wouldn’t swap them for toddlers for anything whatsoever

Ditto. My boys are 16 and 18 and are great - spend a lot of time on phones/Xbox but also spend time with us too. Stepson is 19 and at uni but also good company when around. All three boys are lovely ☺️

I have a 15yo dd and a nearly 13yo ds. It's fine! They both have their stroppy moments (dd less than she did a year ago), but are largely very good company. We all always eat together, chat happily over dinner etc. They come out on dog walks semi-willingly and still love family holidays and days out. They spend a lot of time on phones/consoles etc, but as long as they're doing the other stuff they need to do, we are fine with that. They don't do loads of chores, but they help out when asked and don't make a fuss about it. Both are really quite negative about school, considering thst they are bright and doing very well. They loved distance learning!

Meant to say - we do have a 'no phones in rooms at night' rule, which neither dc have tried to flout or argue with.

Are boys easier than girls as teenagers?
I've only got boys so nothing to compare with.

Ds13 has asd and spends all his time on devices (laptop and phone, we daren't buy him a console). He barely leaves his room which is a mess. Will come for meals after great harassment, won't do any chores, but will look after his braces.
Dd11is affectionate, sweet, keen to please, enjoys board games, keeps her room tidy, and will hang out laundry, and comes to the table for dinner. Oh, and is always on top of her homework.

Sometimes I still feel a failure, because they do no chores. I have tried pocket money, bribes, explaining why and still they rarely help or come out of the house with me to do anything 😞

I should add, I've worked with teens but again mostly boys. Even the ones who had the most challenging behaviour at times, were still great young people at other times.

My ds is 14 and My dd is 20 and still at home. My ds is a great teenager most of the time.
He will whinge and moan about stuff and is lazy if he can get away with it but in the whole he's a million times easier than his sister was at his age.
We all have a great relationship and bounce off each other pretty well and respect each other's space.
They both get on with my 3 year old ds as well and they are all a joy to be around

My 2 are now in their 30s. We think we did a pretty good job.

It was a roller coaster from 'needing' Mum and Dad to pretty much ignoring us. We still had family times together but they were fewer and further between. Don't force 'occasions', let it happen. Try to find things they'd want to do, even if you don't. We did a lot of movies and sports events as well as guitar and video game stores. I know, not very 'cultural' or 'edifying', but there were some good talks during these outings. It's about making them want to go, want to be with you.

Their 'primary' source of support and information became their friends. Because of this I suggest you watch their friendship group very carefully. Quietly and from a distance, but still watch. Teens, even the brightest, can be susceptible to peer pressure. We quietly reinforced the old axiom "Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas".

As they started to 'pull away' they became a bit stroppy and smart mouthed, but nothing that a stern look, an 'Excuse me?', and an occasionally grounding didn't deal with. It's about allowing them reasonable independence to make decisions but knowing when it's time to step back in and say "No".

Technology wasn't a 'thing' when mine were teens, other than (non-smart) cellphones. The 'family' computer was kept in DH's office. I have to admit I'm glad I'm not raising kids in the 'internet age'.

The things you 'did' when they were 10-11 won't work once they're 13. You have to find a new path. And let them find theirs.

It's awful.. DS spends almost no time with us at all even about 40-50% of his meals are eaten alone. He won't eat anything except junk or pasta / pizza. He is perfectly happy doing absolutely nothing but being on his phone , pc gaming and the PS4. It is depressing n the extreme . I also have to stay up every night to.make sure he goes to.bed by midnight s otherwise he will stay up until 3-4am. I find this stage so depressing.

The only time we spend together is on his terms he will never ever do anything with though about once every 4-6 weeks he gets us involved with something , playing a computer game or doing some online experiments . If we suggest something the answer is always always no. Or worse maybe and then when it comes to it he says he doesn't want to. We always always say head to anything he suggests as it is so rare .