Please be honest, what’s your family life with teenagers like?

[Parbor]

Do you still spend time as a family or are they just off doing their own thing? What’s your relationship like with them? What about technology restrictions/chores?? I feel like we are massively failing at this aspect of parenting!

Mine is 15 and apart from the odd teenage stroppiness and a bit of "You don't get it/understand/know anything " she is pretty fab.
I take little credit for this though, she's been pretty easy to parent throughout.
She isn't into her phone so we hang out together a lot. We like the same stuff, so always have a good laugh. She doesn't have chores, she is expected to do her share, as it's just the 2 of us and I may be her parent, but I'm not her maid. She is completely ace.

Mine are 23 DD and 16 DS.

DD was quite hideous as a teenager in some ways but has always been ok with doing stuff as a family and still comes on holiday with us now, even though she lives elsewhere.

DS has been easier but does spend too long on the Xbox and is quite lazy in many ways. He does chores but would prefer not too. He does stuff as a family but whinges occasionally if it's not something that interests him. He did have several active interests which COVID has put a stop to, along with most of his social life. This definitely hasn't helped his lazy tendencies. He does eat with us if he's in.

I really can't complain to be honest. I've always been a very relaxed parent and I think that helps.

Haven't read all the replies. I am loving my time with my teens. We have made a point of having sky on only one TV downstairs at the moment in the family room. So if anyone wants to watch TV on a big screen they have to come there.

This may change as we want to have another connection in the kitchen living area.

We also make a point of eating together as much as possible

The boys are both into F1 and cricket so my husband had been watching that with them

Yes sadly it's mostly around the TV and food
But we enjoy each other's company

Awful much of the time. On devices whenever possible (getting into some trouble), does chores rarely and only when I insist, self - harms, is impossible to talk to about it, pushes every boundary, never hangs out with us except to eat with us every night. I think we aren't that interesting, tbh, maybe the families who hang out together all snorkel or whitewater raft together.

DD 13. On phone looking at tiktok mostly! She puts it in our room on school nights. She is lovely, and hilarious but also anxious and highly strung so there is a tightrope to be walked! She's struggled massively with lockdown and is deteriorating at the moment, not helped by the fact friends aren't sticking to the rules but she is so feeling left out. She has no concept of time, she will be a mumsnet thread in years to come when someone posts about their always-late friend. She just lacks the ability to work backwards from a given time and plan accordingly. This is where most of our disagreements stem from. I spend half my life standing in the hall with my coat on waiting to leave the house. But, she has such a mature, witty sense of humour and she can crack me up laughing in a moment.

95% of the time, it's fab'.

The other 5% of the time it's bloody awful. That is just likely to be me being a mardy mare, as them.

I have two 18 yo DS, they are at uni now, but we had no problems living with them. We have never restricted technology or gaming - we both believed they should police themselves as otherwise they'd just go crazy when they went to Uni. They do chores and always have to clean their own rooms and bathrooms (one better than the other)! They'd like to watch TV shows or play a board game sometimes a couple of nights a week with us, walk the dog especially for a long walk on a Sunday, enjoyed going to the pub with them for Sunday lunches etc. I am pleased they keep in contact and if they are living at home they always let us know when they are going out and when they are back. I tell them I don't mind what they do provided I know they are safe and they have respected that. I did think they would constantly use the car when they passed their test but they have been reasonable about it.

Ds is 14. Spends a lot of time on gaming. However also does football 6 times a week. Can be extremely emotional and unreasonable but can also be kind and funny. Eats meals with us and occasionally watches a film or plays a game etc. If we are on holiday he joins in and does things with us, Same as if it's a day out or whatever. He could be worse but his temper does my head in at times. Currently awaiting dyspraxia confirmation because to say he has no common sense is the understatement of the century .

When I was his age though I was doing a lot more inappropriate stuff so 🤷🏻‍♀️

She tends to not come on family outings. Shes with her boyfriend a few nights a week. The time she is here is mostly in her room but she will float around and come for a chat. Shes very honest and open with me and tells me most things. We do argue about how messy she is - doesnt bring glaases/cups and plates down. Leaves her stuff lying around and wont put her dirty washing in the washing basket after a shower. It's the only thing we argue about is her messiness and lack of help around the house but that is likely my fault for just not setting any.

I dont give her any technology restrictions and I allow her to go to sleep when she is tired which she does.

Overall I feel quite lucky but I think my middle childs going to be a nightmare going by how cheeky she can be and headstrong at 11. She however isnt as messy.

Mine are 24 and 20 now, so teen years behind us. Tbh I'm not sure we experienced it as the teen years: so much was overshadowed by dd's disability and MH issues. She was a lovely girl and we've always been very close, but there were so many normal things we couldn't demand of her. And some really tough stuff- suicide attempts, times when she was in too much pain to move for weeks on end. But also good times, family closeness, engaging with therapy, managed enough GCSEs to get into the Sixth Form college and do the subjects she wanted.

Little brother just went a bit quiet and negative, not difficult as such but withdrew into his shell. Not many interests, didn't do much work at school (which he now regrets), suffered flashbacks after the tough times. But again, we had fun times too. Very sweet with his sister, kind to his gran when she was ill and later dying.

Wasn't particularly worried about their behaviour: they did go partying and no doubt drank a little more than they should have on occasion, but nothing seriously worrying. Messy, yes, but tbh their parents are nothing to write home about in that respect.

5 kids - almost 18 ( girl ) , 16,14,12 and 10 ( all boys ). The teens are brilliant.
The 16 year old spends too long on his phone but he is generally amiable.
They all do chores and don't get payment as we don't believe in that. They have Revolut cards which are topped up as needed.
We eat all meals together . All of them do their school work and practise their instruments easily enough , except DS16 who has to be badgered to do his 'cello.
Love them as teenagers, they are such good fun. They all come on holidays with us but we tend to do great holidays like skiing, theme parks etc . Will never get rid of them lol!!
Found the baby and toddler years a nightmare. We didn't sleep for 10 years .......

My dd is 12 nearly 13. She comes home from school, goes straight up to her room and only appears for food and drink. Tells me to get out if I go in her room 🤦‍♀️ But she’s not too bad some times. Has a lot to deal with, with hormones and having diabetes so she’s moody most of the time and only enjoys going to the stables at the weekend. Other then that I hardly see her unless she wants money 😂 and she never tidies up, is always on her phone and laptop and has to be forced into the shower. Clearly being a girl doesn’t make her want to get a shower more 🙄

I don't limit screen time because he does it himself when he has homework or exams. He likes his alone time but we also have favourite programmes we watch together

Life is pretty good with teens. DS nearly 18 is v private, spends most time in his room, into gaming, art and music. Fairly self managing with study although I wouldn't describe him as highly motivated. He doesn't go out much but is just about to take his driving test so may enjoy getting out and about more. He opts out of most family activities but still comes for meals out, holidays, although he has passed on some weekends away, and likes to have the house to himself and order takeaway.

DD is 15 and likes to spend more time with the family, watching tv/films, cinema, concerts, playing cards etc. She comes for walks and to meet family friends and grandparents. She looks after her pets. She is interested in news and politics and likes to have an opinion on everything.

Both dcs keep their rooms tidy-ish, both cook one evening meal a week and sort their own lunches on weekends. Both do fixed chores, dishwasher, recycling, putting bins out, clean bathroom etc.

17yo and 15yo work hard at studies, volunteering, music and sport, very fun, interesting and respectful. We have dinner together for all of five minutes a day, occasionally watch a TV show together. They will cook a meal from time to time and any chores we ask. Lifts as required. They don't come out on weekend walks anymore but would if we were on holiday. They often hill walk with friends though. Other than that too much Netflix and amazon prime are watched, social media seems fairly minimal, a bit of gaming. Sometimes I wonder why we don't have more heart to hearts but then I remember they are separate people and don't want mum to know everything. Problems and stresses tend to be about academic work.

17DSS lives with us and spends 3/4 weekends with his mum.

He leaves for college at 8am and gets back at 5pm. Disappears into his room immediately, only coming downstairs to bolt down his dinner and then goes back up. He'll come back to wash up and get a drink at some point.

He will chat to us while he's inhaling his dinner and will sometimes stay downstairs if we're watching something he likes on TV, but on the whole he likes being in his room working/playing games/chatting to his mates and that's fine by us - I remember liking my space a lot as a teenager too.

Mine is 13 and can be a sod at times - we had a tricky spell a few months ago but it was just as much my fault. I didn't appreciate how much I needed to back off, detach, and give her space to be honest. I was trying to police/fix things when I needed to leave her to it.

Her room is tidy, she keeps up with her schoolwork, has a nice bunch of friends at school and helps out around the house.

She doesn't really have a social life outside of school, which I worry about, but it's largely thanks to covid and age - her activities have stopped and due to the area we live in she was only just getting to the stage of going to town with friends when covid hit. I hope that will all pick up a bit this spring.

She is less stressed and highly strung since I've backed off. We enjoy time together - tonight I'm going to give her a gel nail polish and watch Unsolved Mysteries

My main concern is that they don’t seem very happy.
13 year old struggled with transition to secondary school as well as experiencing racism for the first time. He self harmed a bit during year 7. He’s settled now and has a great group of friends he’s often out with or chatting to on the PlayStation. However he never wants to be at home so will always go to other people’s houses (not at the moment obviously) rather than have anyone round ours. He complains constantly when he’s at home; no one else has a bedtime, no one else has to be back for dinner, everyone else has a console in their room, everyone else can take their phone to bed, no one else has restrictions on technology time, nobody else has to do chores....
He has certain things he’s expected to do: clean own room every weekend, empty the dishwasher at weekends, help clear up after dinner every night, help put bins out. He does do them but has to be asked, nagged, reminded every time, shouts at us for reminding him, stomps his way through doing it, moans the whole time. Same with his homework. Home learning was a nightmare.

14 year old daughter had a few friendship issues in y8 and y9. Although she does have plenty of friends she’s wary of approaching and joining groups unless invited so tends to spend lunchtimes alone. At home she just falls down a scroll hole and would spend all her time on her phone if we let her. She does meet up with friends sometimes but it’s kind of once every couple of weeks rather than every day like ds. She has the same jobs as ds except she mops the kitchen floor at weekends instead of emptying the dishwasher (they chose their own job). Her bedroom is a pit but she’s pretty good at doing things when asked (Her bedroom can take forever though because she gets distracted).

They hate each other and argue constantly, tell on each other, moan about each other... Ds moans about his bedtime but otherwise he’d hog the tv all evening and dd would just continue to scroll (her phone goes off when ds goes to up and she then gets an hour to watch tv). We also desperately need that hour without them arguing.

Neither really wants to spend time with us or their little brother and sister. We do always eat dinner together though. Occasionally get them to come for a walk or play a game with us. Tried to watch the marvel films together but they were reluctant and lost interest after only a couple of films. Any other attempts to suggest things we could watch together have been rejected.

We’ve tried to keep them close and part of the family by not having screens in bedrooms and but we’re now wondering if this is actually pushing them away. Maybe if they each had a tv in their room it would stop some of the arguing.

I have a 17 year old Ds (18 next week).

He’s lovely. I have two little dds, age 6 and a newborn and he’s the best big brother.

We have great chats and he’s a bloody joy.

Hardly ever see him though. He’s in his room approx 22 hours a day. Only comes out for a very, very long shower and for meals which he prefers to eat in front of his tv in his room. Will come and sit in the lounge and chat for an hour or so in the evening every few days which is nice.

I don’t do restrictions on technology and he’s up until 4am chatting to his friends on line if he’s not got college the next day. As long as he’s quiet enough that he doesn’t wake us up he can crack on.

He’s not one for going out, never has been.

By his age I’d already been living alone and working full time for 18 months, it was horrendously lonely and worrying having so much responsibility on my own at 16. I like that he can do what he likes right now.

OP - Ds dad and stepmum are the opposite to me. The stepmum has three Ds, all teens. Forces them to do family things at the weekend, walks, no technology in rooms, set bedtimes still. Ds says that the boys hate it and feel trapped and it makes them resent their mum. Ds stopped going there two years ago as he found it unbearable, he said it was like being in the army.

Two big kids 16 girl who is very up and down emotionally and it can be a bit hit and miss as to what mood she'll be in. Generally though she's still enjoying being with us etc. The older one is nearly 21 but has Autism and is very immature (more like 14) he's a sweetheart and super helpful and caring... he does enjoy his own company but will happily chat at me on his 'specialist subject' for hours x

Have 2 DCs aged 17 & 16. Hand on heart, they're a pleasure to live with (99% of the time). They do spend most of their time in their rooms, and a lot of time on their phones, but they both got fantastic GCSEs and continue to work well in sixth form, homework is always done. So we don't curtail their screen time and never have.

We do tend to eat together in the evenings, and DD often cooks as she enjoys it. Her long term boyfriend is like a member of the family and he also loves to cook. Together they often whip up some lovely meals. They both have quite busy social lives, but occasionally we'll have a family movie night at the weekend complete with snacks and hot chocolate, which is lovely. DH and I eat out at least twice a week, and the DCs will sometimes join us if they like the restaurant. It's great now that they're virtually adults with their own opinions and voices, I wouldn't go back to the toddler years for anything. I'm proud that both DCs describe me as being firm but fair and I always try to be measured and sensible with them because my Mum had a tendency to be a bit highly strung which I hated.

DD and I recently headed off to Paris for a few days, and we had such a lovely time. We both love to shop so were in perfect harmony as we browsed the shops in The Marais. I genuinely cannot remember the last time we even had cross words, let alone a full blown argument? We've never had to deal with the teenage strops and door slamming, thank God. I really struggled with the early years of parenting, but it turns out I'm really good at parenting teenagers

I have a 13yo DD. She's a reserved character anyway, but does definitely retreat into her room a lot. She's often on tech, but also drawing, reading, or practising music. I've stopped limiting screen time other than her ipad and phone needing to be out of her room before bedtime.

We do get a decent conversation out of her every day, usually when she gets in, and over dinner, which is always at the table. She will only occasionally join us and her 10yo sister for a walk in the park or a trip into town, but will pretty much always come if we do something less everyday, like a museum or the beach or watching a football match.

H and I do try and make an effort to watch stuff with her that she likes - he takes sci-fi and I'm in for anime/gothic/horror stuff. She and I like and share a lot of the same books, and it's nice to have a shared interest, however small.

Chores are a point of contention. I expect her to pitch in. She quietly and politely tries to subvert my plans.

My eldest is 14 and so far so good. She's a very responsible girl, sensible and well mannered. Does the chores when asked (though to be fair, she is paid £5 p/W pocket money and a £10 p/m phone contract including my relatively new iPhone for this.)
She often plays games online (Among Us?) with her sister (11) and brother (8) and they all often share beds.
When I'm out or busy she also cooks them meals. She'll tell me about her day sometimes but honestly, she just prefers to sit in her room as much as possible playing on her phone, the iPad or her laptop or watching Netflix on her tv. She puts herself to bed at a decent hour without us having set her a bedtime and always gets herself up and ready for school before our alarms have even gone off.
She is fiercely independent so is more like a housemate than a child who wants attention so despite us wanting to see more of her, I know she will be perfectly fine as a grown up.