Please be honest, what’s your family life with teenagers like?

[Parbor]

Do you still spend time as a family or are they just off doing their own thing? What’s your relationship like with them? What about technology restrictions/chores?? I feel like we are massively failing at this aspect of parenting!

Those who have teenagers who choose to spend time with you, any tips that you think might have encouraged this? Mine are still young right now.

DD13 and DS15. Both lovely. Had some issues with DS internet use, and with him not doing schoolwork but he’s much better now. DH has some problems with DD’s “attitude” but I think it’s mostly that she wants to watch her own tv/ see friends rather than sit with him, plus some mood swings.
Neither are very tidy, both need prompting to do chores!
DS has asked to start training/ exercise with DH. DD walks the dog every day with me. Both are happy to go on days out/ family holidays, and to play board games/ sit around the fire pit with us. Both will seek me out at least once a day to talk about what’s going on in their lives.

Ds just 20 and ds 13 here. They go from wanting to be independent, demanding it to then suddenly needing mum! Eldest ds was tricky, always wanting to be right, wanting to do own thing and often out late, however he did and still does ring and chat, tells us what he is doing and can be delightful. Life is calmer now he is at uni! We have had some huge rows with him in the past. Ds 13 is much calmer, more secure in himself which I think is the big difference. He is less trouble at the moment. We do limit screen time a bit for ds13 but I am aware he uses it to chat to friends etc. We do meals together every day and if ds 20 is here he is expected to eat with us. I think expect respect, keep open lines of communication and be able to back down. I have watched many a film I would rather not, had many days out I would rather not but do them to be part of what they enjoy. It can be hard at times but we get through them, in the end!

@MyEnormousTurnip

No issues here yet. They’re happy to join in with meals etc. Spend a lot of time on phones and/or Xbox but I’m not concerned about that. They’re polite, funny, loving and helpful when they’re around and I wouldn’t swap them for toddlers for anything whatsoever

I completely agree. Two of mine are playing the guitar and singing right now (the other one is at Uni, so no idea what he's doing).

Mine get on really well with each other too.

My dd is 15 and on the whole is a lovely teenager
She always gets on with any homework and often stays at school to do extra revision classes
She dances twice a week (currently doing Zoom classes) and walks to and from school which is a good 30 minute walk each way so gets plenty of exercise
She has a good mix of friends and has a boyfriend who is really nice
On a Friday after school she cleans the house top to bottom whilst I’m at work and every morning she empties the dishwasher and puts the pots away.I pay her each week for the jobs she does around the house.
Only recently she has had a tv in her room so she does tend to spend time in her room watching that or on FaceTime with her boyfriend or friends although she’ll always eat with us and this gives us a chance to talk about our day etc and she will join us to watch certain programmes or to watch a film
Her bedtime seemed to be getting later and later as she does mess around at bedtime so we have set a time for her tv or phone to be turned off and a time for her to be in bed with the lights out and it is getting better

I have a 13 yo and a 15 yo DSs, both are lovely but the eldest one is struggling a bit emotionally sometimes, gets impatient, can feel a bit down. He loves spending time with his friends when not in lockdown so this is hard for him. He spends a bit too much time on his phone but we manage. He's doing ok at school.

The 13yo is still quite young and has loads of friends, they talk a lot on the phone, play online games etc.

Both come off tech when asked (sometimes firmly) and help with dinner/tidy up. They do their chores and music practice and homework.

Honestly I was dreading the teenage thing but so far so good.

Those who have teenagers who choose to spend time with you, any tips that you think might have encouraged this? Mine are still young right now.

I genuinely don't know! It was the same in both dh's and my family when we were both growing up. Dh and his brother, and dsis and I carried on doing stuff with our parents until we properly left home. We just come from families where everyone gets on well and likes hanging out together.

Maybe it helps that dh and I are both teachers, so we are very used to the ways of teenagers! Also, we all like a lot of the same stuff. There's unusually little gender or age divide in our interests iyswim, so we can all chat about games, films, books, music and stuff on which we have common ground. It also fortunately means that dd and ds get on unusually well for a 15yo girl and a 12yo boy!

I had 4 and they were all different from the really easy going laid back one to the one who was a nightmare. As adults the nightmare is brilliant and although the youngest he has LPA for me.

There is always hope.

Just thought the nightmare was a total slob, his room was a disaster area. His house is immaculate and he is very particular.

DS is about to turn 15. We always eat meals with him, he does his homework without being asked, sorts out his washing, keeps his room and bathroom in a decent state - and loves going out for walk with me

To be honest, I love the teen stage, it's much easier/better/funnier than when they're little. However - DS has high functioning autisms so he loves rules - he turns up for dinner at set times, loves the routines of tidying/washing/homework/school etc, so I strongly suspect he may be a lot easier than many teenagers!

He also likes spending ages on his computer chatting to his friends which doesn't delight me (although it was a Godsend in Lockdown1) so they all have their annoying sides...

Thanks for this thread OP. It's made me feel better about my 2 pre teens.

Busy! Always out and about with football, but the last 6 months have been so weird.

I don’t restrict tech time but i tell my DS to get off the PS.

Prett ok at cleaning their rooms etc. Eldest is 18 so at home studying so happy to do chores.

Meal times are hit and miss. If i make a roast we all eat, or chilli/bolg they eat when they want it.

A bit shit tbh. DD is 17 and has dropped out of 6th form (after deciding she wanted to do 6th form and not college because her boyfriend was doing 6th form and then he didn't bloody get into it) pre-lockdown she spent nearly all her time at his house. She won't eat what I cook or leaves half of it telling me she can't eat a full dinner but then snacks all night. Stays in her room all day doing nothing, doesn't interact with the rest of us, doesn't do chores, tells us things aren't her responsibility to deal with.

I'm disabled so we're living off ESA and now get no money for her as she dropped out of education so things are incredibly tight but she still wants everything brought for her. I feel like an utterly shit parent considering she was amazing pre-teens very intelligent and kind, hard working and polite, even won the teachers favourite award when leaving year 6. She got a boyfriend and things went to hell.

so they all have their annoying sides So true and of course they all have their good sides it's just sometimes harder to find it.

Single mum of a13yo boy. Sometimes eats dinner in front of his PlayStation, sometimes we eat together watching something. Sitting at a table watching each other eat would feel a bit strange with just the 2 of us.

Spends lots of time on PlayStation especially now he can’t play out on his bike with his friends so interacts with them on there instead. Has to be nagged to bring plates down, take the dog out, tidy up etc. Can be nagged into cooking us something simple like eggs or noodles once a week or so. Will agree to do pretty much anything if I cook him pancakes or a favourite meal in return. Food motivated, bit like a Labrador lol.

Last night he suddenly declared I had to play top trumps with him and we had a half hour together doing that. Sometimes still wants to play a game or do something together but not often. Sometimes we’ll arrange to watch a movie and have snacks together (food again).

We’ll always end up having half an hour or so together each day eg chatting and eg having a laugh playing with the dog. It’s all as and when and not pressured though and we probably are more like roommates than a traditional family half the time.

What are you worrying about specifically?

I have 2, their default is lying on their beds snacking and watching tv/phones.
They will join in with things that we suggest but wouldn’t suggest something themselves or just hang out with us.
Things they like to join in with are playing games together, takeaways and meals out, cinema, escape rooms and organised physical activity, (back in the day...) they will do walks if there’s a hot chocolate/ chips on offer!
Ds needs prompting to do lots of things but can be rude when I ‘nag’, he’s also very messy. Dd is tidy and organised but likes things her own way. They’re both lovely with their little sister and generally lovely.

I've just negotiated ds will cook us noodles at half five IF he only has to do the last dog walk and I make pancakes in the morning. We did this over the phone despite being in the same 2 bedroom house.

2 DSs, DS1 16, DS2 14.

Both have PS4s, and phones, spend alot of time on both, DS2 more so.

I am aware of it but tbh in lockdown what else is there for them to do? They can at least interact with their friends on them!

Both are charming, loving, affectionate, helpful. Have the occasional competitive insult period with each other, and DS2 can be defensive and sulky when he chooses, both are messy and need to be nagged to put clothes away and tidy up but they do the jobs I ask them to do without complaint, are starting to become more aware of others and think about how their actions and behaviour affects all of us, and generally I feel very lucky to have them, and teachers and friends are always complimenting them on their manners and behaviour.

If anything they are waaay too laid back and getting them to have a sense of urgency about school, revision, exams, life in general can be a struggle sometimes but I would rather have that than anxious stressed out kids.

So far so good, am very aware that kids can go off track very quickly and you can "lose" your kids without even noticing sometimes, so I try to check in with them and how they are feeling about their worlds as regularly as I can.

17yr old ds is generally pretty great. Got an apprenticeship. In normal times is here for dinner then goes off out to gym or with friends.
As were in lock down he's here for dinner then off out for a walk with a friend.
Usually has headphones constantly in his ear and eats everything that's in sight but still finds time to chat with me at least once a day

@ItWasntMyFault

17yr old ds is generally pretty great. Got an apprenticeship. In normal times is here for dinner then goes off out to gym or with friends. As were in lock down he's here for dinner then off out for a walk with a friend. Usually has headphones constantly in his ear and eats everything that's in sight but still finds time to chat with me at least once a day

I forgot to add, he keeps his bedroom reasonably clean and tidy and loads the dishwasher every other day. He doesn't spend too much time online as he's usually out but if he is at home then he does chat to mates online a fair bit.

It can be wearing, until you give up trying to keep up a jolly facade when they're not in the mood. They detest anything they perceive as phoney. Beware sarcasm, it is like throwing petrol on a fire. I bit my tongue a lot but now and then, a frank exchange of views cleared the air.

I often wondered what other parents heard about us. Your teen will wish they were adopted by at least one cool family that apparently gets it all right, all the time, completely effortlessly. To be fair, I recall my mother being fed up with me at that age when I raved about so-and-so's family.
Policing a sibling relationship eventually dwindles, they have to work it out for themselves, (low level irritation, not defcon 1).

I once read a remark about the stress of having bickering parents and resulting bad atmosphere as being like having a picnic with a sniper nearby. Substitute the word parents for teens in that comment and that's how it felt on some occasions. But for energy, passion, that mixture of charm and cheek, stimulating company, when things are good it's very good.
They were good kids, we got off lightly.

Honestly I'm really happy with it but my Mum is horrified so I think it's probably about expectations.

DS13 is expected to do one chore a day, and to eat dinner as a family. He will come out with us if it's for meals but not for shopping/walks/any activity where his friends from school might see him with us!

He spends most of his time in his room on the Xbox or on his phone but when he emerges he is generally lovely, funny, and affectionate. He still comes into my bed in the night if he's had a bad dream. We talk openly and honestly about sec, relationships, anything really. If he asks me a question then I answer it.

Screen time is not limited other than he has to be off by 8.30pm school nights. If he doesn't do his chores then I do limit screen time to an hour for that day, so the chores are always done!

He was absolutely hideous to parent from age 8 to about 11 so I was dreading the teenage years but so far this is my favourite parenting stage by miles

I had three teens at one point (all older now).
It was fine.
We still went on holiday together and ate meals, went out to do things.
I played taxi driver a lot until they passed their tests.

Disappointing OP and it has been since DD now 15 went to secondary. We hardly spend any time together though DP and I try and we’ve given up on eating together. DD stays in her room all the time which is a mess. It breaks my heart tbh because I always pictured a family life like most other posters are describing. There is no laughter or fun in our house. We sometimes enjoy a short drive to a drive through but other than that there is little interaction. But outside our house I hear how lovely and capable she is so I have hope for a better relationship in the future.

@Bogardicia get involved in their interests and hobbies. My 14 yr old is amazing on a scooter and I have lost count of the times I've been at a skatepark both indoors and out videoing his tricks for his Instagram. Finding things for him to do to raise money for new scooter parts. Encouraging him to keep going when he finds a new trick hard. Also don't think there's a skatepark in the uk I haven't driven him to. He now rides bmx and sends me videos when he lands his newly learnt tricks.