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Original poster

Daughter being asked to move to Isle of Man, do I speak up?

92 replies

Beatief · 09/11/2020 20:03

NC. You’ll no doubt see why! My daughter is about to have a baby to a man she has known for 10 months. They didn’t spend the pregnancy together, mostly due to lockdown and obviously they weren’t actually in a relationship. It turns out now, after a meeting last week, that he wants her to relocate to the Isle of Man. We live outside Birmingham, I’m about 45 mins from her. I want to make it clear that this is NOT about me, I’m retired, have money to travel and can visit whenever I want, if she does move. But I am worried for her. She doesn’t know what to do, he’s offering to help her, she can live there for free, he’s sending her photos of where he lives (she visited his place once during the month they were dating, so she knows of it). He’s encouraging her to give the relationship a go. He has his whole family there so an easy decision for him! He seems like a nice man but I find it very strange he is making this request of her.

She’s a teacher so she could get work I suppose but I worry for her. I’ve not put my voice forward yet and just left her to consider things. Would you say something? Should I keep out of it?

OP posts:

HavelockVetinari · 09/11/2020 20:08

She should be VERY wary, they're not even in a relationship - why would she move far from her own support network at a time when she'll be under immense pressure, to start a new relationship? Worst possible timing (newborns are bloody tough going). And this is avoiding the massive obvious red flag of her being totally isolated and dependent.

Don't do it, OP's daughter! If he's truly serious he can come over to visit at first, then you can work up to visiting him - if it continues to work out, you might consider moving in together, but don't go from 0-60 at such a vulnerable time in your life, please.

RandomDent · 09/11/2020 20:09

Can she even move there at the moment?

covid19.gov.im/general-information/travel-advice/

Original poster

Beatief · 09/11/2020 20:11

That’s what my thoughts are but I don’t feel I can or should say. He is being very persuasive with her, he will get a cleaner, she won’t have any outgoings (he owns his home), his family are nearby, it’s a lovely place to live. All probably very true but it seems like such a huge move! Also very different to living in Birmingham which is where she’s been for the last 9 years. I don’t want to stick my big oar in though, either.

OP posts:

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Belle1983 · 09/11/2020 20:11

That's so hard @Beatief.
As a stubborn 19 year old, I decided I was getting married and moving to London.
Had known the man for 3 years, but only ever saw every few weeks/months for a weekend here and there.
Long story short, nothing my parents said would have changed my mind.

I think all you can do is express your concerns in a way your daughter knows you care and will support her no matter what.
They most important thing is she knows you will be there if she needs you, and hopefully should it be a disaster you could support her coming home.

I feared 'I told you so' so much that I stayed in a bad relationship far longer than I should have.

At least you will have the excuse to see the new baby regularly as a means to check up on your daughter.

Original poster

Beatief · 09/11/2020 20:12

@RandomDent I’m not sure, I think there are certain exceptions but I haven’t looked into the logistics and I don’t believe they have yet either.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beatief · 09/11/2020 20:13

@Belle1983 that’s what I’m worried about, her being with a man who isn’t all he seems on the surface. I know that she was very set on staying in Birmingham the last few months so this has come as a surprise.

OP posts:

Honeybobbin · 09/11/2020 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomDent · 09/11/2020 20:14

Even if she can move you probably won’t be able to visit. Not easily anyway. :(

Original poster

Beatief · 09/11/2020 20:14

@Honeybobbin not that I’m aware of but I’m now scrolling like a maniac!

OP posts:

5zeds · 09/11/2020 20:15

If I was her and I liked him I’d give it a go. Does he want a relationship with her?

Original poster

Beatief · 09/11/2020 20:16

She was quite keen on him yes. I think it fizzled out as he stopped getting in touch. The tables now seem to have turned a little

OP posts:

Augustbreeze · 09/11/2020 20:19

Yes so thought it sounded familiar too, although it was a Scottish island I thought, maybe that was a decoy or I assumed. Probably six months ago though so would have been near beginning of pregnancy?

Viviennemary · 09/11/2020 20:19

I was going to say keep quiet. But there's so many red flags speak up.

WitchWife · 09/11/2020 20:20

If he wants to give the relationship a go surely he should make the effort to be with your daughter in her comfort zone while she’s just about to have a baby and while she’s a new mum. That’s there they met and where he managed to be around long enough to get her pregnant. I’d be deeply suspicious about why he’s suddenly so keen to go back to the IoM at this point. Is it family pressure for instance? I presume your daughter hasn’t met his family. As others have said, hard for you to visit.

This must be a really hard decision for her which is why I wonder what he’s playing at putting her in this position

Greenmarmalade · 09/11/2020 20:23

Definitely tell her the reality of having a baby and how vulnerable it makes you. Tell her about the relentlesss work and intense sleep deprivation. Tell her you can help if she is nearby!

I didn’t have a clue what it would be like and wish someone had warned me a bit

Original poster

Beatief · 09/11/2020 20:23

No she would stay her until son is here then relocate a few weeks afterwards. I’m suspicious too given that he’s only seeming to be attentive and interested in her because of the pregnancy. Obviously I haven’t said this to her! Maybe he’s just trying to do what’s best and is genuine. I just can’t see it lasting if it’s all about the babe and not them. Perhaps times have changed!

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 09/11/2020 20:25

Try and pursuade her to stay at least until the baby comes I think you can intervene and gently put a bit of pressure on her to stay where she knows.

Imfromhere · 09/11/2020 20:26

I would try and get her to hold off for a while. I am from the Isle of Man and it is an amazing place to live and bring up kids but she hardly knows this guy. The island can be a very cold and depressing place some winters especially if she doesnt know anybody.

With the Covid restrictions in place she would need an exemption certificate from the government to just be allowed to come here and you wouldn't be allowed to visit her.

I would honestly advise her to wait until at least spring if shes adamant she wants to move. Maybe the rules will have changed by then so you can visit and support her plus she will feel 100 % better being able to be out and about meeting people.

Coffeesnob11 · 09/11/2020 20:26

I would get her to check the laws before she moves there just in case she has the baby but wants to move back. I am just thinking if they split up would there be different rules on moving children off the island? She doesnt want to find herself stuck on the island with no family until the child is 18.

Mrsjayy · 09/11/2020 20:27

A pp is right if he wants to make a go of it he can move to Birmingham to see how things work out.

MoiraNotRuby · 09/11/2020 20:27

He might be a great guy and it might be a wonderful place to move to. BUT it is such a huge risk and he sounds very all-or-nothing. I think there is no harm in saying to your daughter that here are a list of your potential concerns for her as a new mother. Waiting a year or two would be a better idea. So once the baby is school age she is 100% sure on where she wants to live.

BTW I have a friend who moved there and says its the best thing he ever did, brilliant way of life etc.

GabsAlot · 09/11/2020 20:30

hes trying to isolate her maybe so he can take custody eventually of the child-she#ll be alone with no back up sounds so didgy

why else would he be so interested they havent seen each for months

Original poster

Beatief · 09/11/2020 20:31

@GabsAlot I think the interest is the babe but then he’s been very welcoming and supportive financially etc. He seems like he would pull his weight but I’m just astonished at the suggestion really, it seems like a drastic move.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 09/11/2020 20:32

Has she started maternity leave ?

GabsAlot · 09/11/2020 20:32

yes because of the baby would he be so interested if not

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