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Original poster

Daughter being asked to move to Isle of Man, do I speak up?

92 replies

Beatief · 09/11/2020 20:03

NC. You’ll no doubt see why! My daughter is about to have a baby to a man she has known for 10 months. They didn’t spend the pregnancy together, mostly due to lockdown and obviously they weren’t actually in a relationship. It turns out now, after a meeting last week, that he wants her to relocate to the Isle of Man. We live outside Birmingham, I’m about 45 mins from her. I want to make it clear that this is NOT about me, I’m retired, have money to travel and can visit whenever I want, if she does move. But I am worried for her. She doesn’t know what to do, he’s offering to help her, she can live there for free, he’s sending her photos of where he lives (she visited his place once during the month they were dating, so she knows of it). He’s encouraging her to give the relationship a go. He has his whole family there so an easy decision for him! He seems like a nice man but I find it very strange he is making this request of her.

She’s a teacher so she could get work I suppose but I worry for her. I’ve not put my voice forward yet and just left her to consider things. Would you say something? Should I keep out of it?

OP posts:
BrummyMum1 · 09/11/2020 20:33

If you’re retired and have money to travel why don’t you go and take a short term rental with her over there while she tries it out? The Isle of Man is a beautiful, safe and scenic place with a real sense of community. If he’s from the Isle of Man then I can see why he’d want to raise a child there. There are regular flights that take no time at all from major cities. It’s really nothing like being stranded on an island abroad. If it’s not about you then you need to be positive and support her and let her decide if it is or isn’t for her. Don’t put pressure on her to create a broken family.

Hailtomyteeth · 09/11/2020 20:34

Yes, I too think I've heard this one before. She should arrange her own job, childcare, and accommodation if she relocates. They need to get to know each other. She shouldn't fall in with his plans on such slight acquaintance. I've lived in the IoM, too. It's beautiful but it will take her a while to feel she fits in.

ILoveYoga · 09/11/2020 20:36

I can see if he sounds good and offers support, going once she’s on maternity leave (and have baby there), if she owns her own place and can let out in short term, maybe give it a shot. Also if you could go visit, maybe be there to support her once she had the baby

If it doesn’t work out, if she’s there while on maternity leave, she’ll not lose out anything. She could come back and resume her job.

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Mrsjayy · 09/11/2020 20:38

Don’t put pressure on her to create a broken family.

What's a broken family?

BarbRoyle · 09/11/2020 20:39

I like brummymum1's idea

rainkeepsfallingdown · 09/11/2020 20:46

If they haven't spent much time together, I'm guessing she hasn't met his family?

I can see the appeal of moving if it means she gains an army of adults related to her baby who are all nice and prepared to flock around her and help out with childcare etc, but I think I'd find it hard to trust that vision without knowing the people in it. Plus, when you're pregnant and/or have newly given birth, you're very vulnerable. Sometimes you just want your own mum and/or someone trusted to advocate for your rights.

I don't think it's necessarily strange that he's inviting her to move - from his POV, he has a huge support network over there and you are but one person - but I do think she needs to consider whether this is what she really wants, and I do think she needs to get to know his family first. He seems to be promising loads of help - maybe they're all really lovely people who would help them both - maybe they have no idea he's making these promises on his behalf.

If she decides to move, I think you have to tell her she has your full support, you are confident it will all work out, but in the event it's not for her, you'll help her move back to the UK without any questions/judgement. You're only always just a phone call away.

mellicauli · 09/11/2020 20:46

If he really wants to make a go of things, why not where she lives to start off with. She’s already made adjustment in her career and her body in order to have the baby. Why should she give up her friends and support at the most vulnerable stage in her life? If he is only prepared to do things in his terms, she’s better off without him. She deserves someone who loves her.

Nicknacky · 09/11/2020 20:49

Is he in a position to move over to England?

JoJoSM2 · 09/11/2020 20:52

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the idea. As you say, she’ll only travel when the baby is a few weeks old. She’ll be on maternity leave so she can see how things go for a few months and come back to her Birmingham life easily.

I’d just look at legalities of travelling with the baby and coming back if the father doesn’t want the baby to travel or something. Maybe not put him on the birth certificate or something? (I have no idea how that works).

Briannaoftarth83 · 09/11/2020 20:52

Hey OP, I moved to the Isle of Man in December - also 8 months pregnant at the time.

My, now husband, is manx - we met a few years ago in Manchester and did the long distance thing for a few years before I got pregnant and we decided I would make the move here and see how maternity leave was. With covid we have made the decision to stay.

First things first she can't come to the island right now without permission from our government. It is being granted to non residents on compassionate grounds only - I suspect your daughter would qualify if the baby is his? I think you suggest it is but I'm not 100% clear.

Anyway, the huge advantage for her would be that we don't really have any covid here right now. Other than the fact we can't leave the island (residents can leave and return but have to isolate for 14 days when returning so it's not entirely practical) life is completely normal. No masks, no social distancing, no limits on who you can meet. She would be able to do baby classes etc - these things might be important to her.

The massive negative is it's unlikely you/your family would be able to get the same compassionate leave to come to the island so her support network would be severed. My family made it over a couple of times to see my little boy before everything kicked off but I'm lucky to be very close to my in laws.

Once the restrictions are lifted it is a very easy "commute" here, as someone has said above but right now that just isn't an option.

There is no good answer I suppose. Your daughter likely wants to be with the chap and (if I've assumed right) the father of the baby but she will have to sacrifice family (at least in the short term) to do so. She could of course, once a manx resident, travel freely back and forth (under current rules!) as long as she isolated but that would be so so hard with a baby.

Feel free to pm me if you have any questions about it more specifically.

YankeeDoodlePoodleNoodle · 09/11/2020 20:58

I would be very concerned. Obviously it's her decision; you can't stop her going if she wants to, but you could calmly put your concerns to her.

Christmasfairy2020 · 09/11/2020 20:59

Tell her to give it a go and let live. And make her very much aware she can come bk to you if it didnt work

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/11/2020 21:00

She should ask him to move here for the first 6 months of the baby's life. If he refuses to consider it then she knows he is only doing it for him and not "them".

Branleuse · 09/11/2020 21:02

If she moved there, he might be able to stop her moving back with the baby.

shazshaz · 09/11/2020 21:02

I think your DD needs to consider this carefully and investigate the legal side of things. Assuming both she and this man have parental responsibility and everyone lives on the Isle of Man, what happens if she decides she wants to return to the mainland? Does dad have to give permission before your DD can permanently leave with your grandchild? Im pretty sure it is a criminal offence to remove a child to the Channel Islands or Isle of Man without the appropriate consent & Im just wondering if the reverse is true. I think your DD would be wise to investigate before making a decision to move.

FortunesFave · 09/11/2020 21:03

Advise her to not do it. If this man were willing to sort of try being in a relationship and come to her now...then she could consider a move in future. As it is, she has no idea who he is!

FatCatThinCat · 09/11/2020 21:04

What would the legal position be if it doesn't work out and she wants to return to Birmingham? Is it the same as moving within the UK or the same as being abroad?

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/11/2020 21:04

I think it would be a bad move to move away from her support network. If their 'relationship' becomes difficult she will probably be stuck there, by herself.

She would be better off taking things slowly. She can move in a few years if she feels they develope a good parenting relationship.

Nicknacky · 09/11/2020 21:05

I think it’s very easy to just say that if he was interested he should move here. He may have children on the Isle Of Man, or a business that can’t be relocated, or elderly parents that he cares for.

It might not be as black and white as people think.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 09/11/2020 21:05

How old are these two ?

bytorchlight · 09/11/2020 21:06

If she goes and it doesn't work out after a period of time, he could stop her moving away with the baby and she would be stuck there, perhaps with no support network. Too risky.

Sadhoot · 09/11/2020 21:07

Does it all sound a bit too good to be true - he appears to be promising her the moon on a stick. How exactly will he be bankrolling accommodation, food, and a cleaner for them?

Wyntersdiary · 09/11/2020 21:09

If i was her i would just spend a year traveling to visit first, pop over a few times and spend some time together... a baby is really tough and he may not be everything she thinks he is.

For the sake of protecting my baby i would be wanting to take my time and not rush into things

JamieLeeCurtains · 09/11/2020 21:09

The Isle of Man is not part of the UK (or the EU) and is under very strict Covid-19 quarantine laws.

There are no 'easy' visits or trips or holidays.

There are a few threads on MN about this which I have read with interest, including the welders from ?Birmingham who were jailed there for breaking the rules. (Stopped off between ferry and hotel to buy beer, against advice.)

irritatedatmyself · 09/11/2020 21:10

My first thought is what are the legalities if say it didn't work out after a few months or a year. Would she need his permission to leave with the baby?

That would be the biggest concern for me first of all.