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Original poster

Daughter being asked to move to Isle of Man, do I speak up?

92 replies

Beatief · 09/11/2020 20:03

NC. You’ll no doubt see why! My daughter is about to have a baby to a man she has known for 10 months. They didn’t spend the pregnancy together, mostly due to lockdown and obviously they weren’t actually in a relationship. It turns out now, after a meeting last week, that he wants her to relocate to the Isle of Man. We live outside Birmingham, I’m about 45 mins from her. I want to make it clear that this is NOT about me, I’m retired, have money to travel and can visit whenever I want, if she does move. But I am worried for her. She doesn’t know what to do, he’s offering to help her, she can live there for free, he’s sending her photos of where he lives (she visited his place once during the month they were dating, so she knows of it). He’s encouraging her to give the relationship a go. He has his whole family there so an easy decision for him! He seems like a nice man but I find it very strange he is making this request of her.

She’s a teacher so she could get work I suppose but I worry for her. I’ve not put my voice forward yet and just left her to consider things. Would you say something? Should I keep out of it?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 09/11/2020 22:11

If he was a decent man he'd want to live near her so that he could help her and see her child. He would want her to have her family nearby and for her to be able to return to work after maternity leave.

It's all about him. Lots and lots of promises, all geared to make her give up her life and move to be with a man she hardly knows.

She'd be crazy to do this.

thosetalesofunexpected · 09/11/2020 22:20

Hi Op

Good way thinking @Brummymum1

Really like your comments,good alternative option for Op to consider if her daughter decides to move to lse of white.

Its a quite massive step to move elsewhere from home city of Birmingham, to lse of man with a man she does not know that well,(hardly knows, not his fault obviously with lockdowns, and that their relantship has fizzled out somewhat, etc.

I think you need to express your concerns to your daughter about her poss moving to lsle of white as soon as possible,

Whatever she decides you will obviously support either way she decides on.

Hope your daughter comes to decision that will work out for her and her family.

ancientgran · 09/11/2020 22:22

Maternity leave gives her the opportunity to have a long holiday there to see if she likes it. If the baby is born in UK and he isn't on the birth certificate and the baby's home is in Birmingham I would think it would be hard for him to force her to leave the baby on the IoM but obviously she'd need to check that.

If, depending on covid, she has a couple of long holidays there then comes back and works (I assume she'd need to if she is getting above statutory maternity pay) and he could then visit here a few times.

I would think over a couple of years they could spend enough time together to realistically work out if this is going to work.

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BrummyMum1 · 09/11/2020 22:27

@Mrsjayy I meant broken up geographically.

yvanka · 09/11/2020 22:29

If he was a decent man he'd want to live near her so that he could help her and see her child.

I don't think that's fair. Isle of Man is a stunning place and much nicer than Birmingham, plus as they weren't properly dating he has no idea what her home or family are really like. You can't blame the guy for wanting to raise his kid in a place he knows is suitable.

ancientgran · 09/11/2020 22:31

@MitziK If she moves there, the baby stays. Whatever she wants to do. Whatever happens to her whilst she's there. And they will enforce this. Your link says if he is on the birth certificate he will have parental responsibility, if the baby is registered here and he isn't on the birth certificate would that apply?

picosandsancerre · 09/11/2020 22:35

I would be discussing this with my DD. She is talking about leaving her own support networks to move with a man she barely knows and his family around who she also doesnt know. I worry she is being treated as an incubator for his DC. Enticing her over with ideas of cleaners etc. She will be at her most vulnerable after having her baby and will need a safe place. I would be very open about my concerns and surprised you feel unable to speak to your own DD.

MimiSunshine · 09/11/2020 22:39

You have to say something. She could be sat waiting for you to tell her not to go. She could be worried and unsure and needs her mum to step in.

She might be totally for it but either way you have to say that you will support her in whatever decision she makes but that you don’t think it’s a good idea and for all of the reasons here.

Don’t be in a position where if it all goes to hell, she asks why you never voiced any concerns

RandomUsernameHere · 09/11/2020 22:42

As a PP said, the IoM is not part of the UK. Has your DD checked things like if she will be able to work there in the future and if she will be eligible for healthcare? If it's anything like the Channel Islands it won't necessarily be that simple, especially as they are not married.

MitziK · 09/11/2020 22:43

[quote ancientgran]**@MitziK* If she moves there, the baby stays. Whatever she wants to do. Whatever happens to her whilst she's there. And they will enforce this.* Your link says if he is on the birth certificate he will have parental responsibility, if the baby is registered here and he isn't on the birth certificate would that apply?[/quote]
It wouldn't. It takes a court order to award it if he isn't on the birth certificate. Reading the provisions makes it pretty clear that it's a one way street where the person wanting to keep the child there makes the decisions, not the person wanting to leave.

How difficult would it be for her to say, if she lived there, in his house, funded by him 'Oh, I'll go by myself to register the baby'? Mr Knight in Shining Armour will say 'Don't be silly, I'll drive you, you don't know where it is' and get himself on it in an instant. And then, effectively, he controls both baby and her totally, as her only way to leave is to leave the baby behind (with his mother, perhaps?).

I also note there's no Claire's Law type thing over there, so no way of checking up on him or his family in advance.

Living here, registering the baby by herself and not completely giving up her life for the next 18 years to a man who has knocked her up, not somebody she has fallen in love with and has made a successful relationship and marriage with, is the only way to make sure that she has any say in where her baby spends its entire childhood.

DulcimerOfDestiny · 09/11/2020 22:58

It could turn out to be wonderful, but the truth is that they don't know one another very well, and if she moves, she'll be multiplying her stresses. Living with this man for the first time while learning the ins and outs of caring for a newborn, all in a community where she doesn't know anyone except through him. That's a lot to take on at one time!

In her place, I think I'd want to take it more slowly, but I can see how it might be appealing, if she's picturing everything going perfectly. Jumping right into an ideal family in a lovely home, surrounded by natural beauty. It might sound like a thrilling, romantic adventure, until you consider all the possible pitfalls.

I'd voice your concerns, gently, but make it clear that if she does decide to go, she can call you no matter what. No recriminations or "I told you so". Just a loving, concerned mother who offers support whenever it's needed.

Waterlemon · 09/11/2020 22:59

Would she be financially dependent on him? That would be a red flag to me.

Blacksheepcat · 09/11/2020 23:00

She doesn’t know him well enough to move her whole life like that surely? Sounds like he’s interested in the baby, maybe more than her?Why can’t he move to be with her...that would seem more logical. I wouldn’t be happy to see my pregnant daughter head off in to the unknown.

PicsInRed · 09/11/2020 23:13

Remind her that if she changes her mind, she can leave, but he can keep that child there until it's 18. If she leaves the Isle of Man, she leaves with empty arms.

I would advise her, in the strongest terms, not to even consider this.

Toseland · 09/11/2020 23:22

Can you go for a weekend with her (after lockdown) and meet him and his family? That might help you both decide.
Actually don’t bother. I think him asking and pressurising would mean this turns out to be a red flag - he hasn’t visited her in the summer to discuss this with her? Or met you? I would suggest he moves to Birmingham.
Also your daughter sounds like she’s not jumping and overjoyed at the chance although it sounds tempting.
I think it would be so hard to move house, job, country, the people around you and have a baby at the same time. Point out that she’s making life difficult for herself, she should be nesting!

Froglette16 · 09/11/2020 23:23

OP, you’re right to be wary. As a PP said there are restrictions in place which would prevent you from getting to your DD if she needed you for any reason. Also, the first DC is an assault to the body that nobody really expects. To go through those physical ups and downs with someone you barely know? Hard enough with my DH, who I’d known for many years. But it’s hard to impart wisdom that will be well received in these situations. So gently suggest that she stays in Birmingham until Spring, she’ll have you to help her through the early months. And if the father really wants to be supportive, he’ll understand that, can visit and they can make plans to move across later on. Fingers crossed for your DD that everything will work out in a positive way! But if she decides to go, just support her decision and ensure she can contact you at all times.

Mrsjayy · 10/11/2020 17:35

Mrsjayy I meant broken up geographically

Ah I see fair enough.

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