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Original poster

Grandson keeps hurting my children

86 replies

Doimatter · 09/11/2020 11:24

My daughter is staying with me at the moment due to fleeing domestic violence. She was given emgency accommodation by council. But this is a room in a shared house. Sharing kitchen/bathroom. Daughter has personality disorder and can't cope with being in a room like that with her son. With the combination of sharing, mental health and her son in that situation is to hard.

Anyway her son is coming up 3. My two youngest are 4 and 5. 5 year olds has special needs so a bit younger than his actual age.

Grandson is 3 in a month. He constantly hurts my younger two we are talking at least 8 times a day some times more. He bites them pinches them. Slaps them. They end up with teeth marks. And other marks. This morning he managed to pinch inside 4 year olds mouth and make him bleed. ( words of 4 year old) so I'm not 100% if it was a pinch. But he did hurt him and make his mouth bleed.

We give him time out. Tell him no. That's naughty. Have been firm with him told him of. Tried praising his good behaviour. Spend positive time with him. But still he does it . After time out to says sorry. Then within 5 mins hes doing it again.

Just don't know what to do. I told daughter if it does not stop shes gonna have to take him to stay in the room. But I honestly don't want to do that.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/11/2020 11:26

That's an awful situation for you all. Is he living with you at the moment?

HollowTalk · 09/11/2020 11:31

I've just seen your other thread and it's a shame you didn't get more responses there. I'm glad your daughter did get away from her boyfriend. Is there any chance she'll end up going back to him?

MotherofTerriers · 09/11/2020 11:32

How awful for you all. I can only suggest much tighter supervision. Could you and your daughter tag team so one of you is always right with him and he can’t hurt anyone. Otherwise your daughter will have to leave with him. Which would be awful for her, but your little ones need to be safe

Smallsteps88 · 09/11/2020 11:32

Well they can’t be unsupervised at all. One of you will have to be with them at all times or else separate them. Keep going with the consequences and positive reinforcement. The boy has probably witnesses violence so is acting out what he has seen. He’s probably also traumatised, and he’s also 3 so playing up. It will take a lot of work from you both to undo the behaviours. Keep at it.

Viviennemary · 09/11/2020 11:34

I think under the circumstances you should say sorry this isn't working and they need to leave and find other accommodation. That a four month old baby is attacked is unacceptable. You've done your best and its not working. Just read about her mental health problems. I still think she needs to go.

Elvesinquarantine · 09/11/2020 11:36

He needs to be one step away from you /dd at all times. My dgc battered my ds. Broke ds's heart.
Agree a rota of someone watching him every minute.

ApolloandDaphne · 09/11/2020 11:40

I imagine he is acting out what he has seen at home. This behaviour will take time to change and you and your DD need to be absolutely on the same page in dealing with it. Your DD needs to supervise him at all times and deal with the behaviours instantly. It will not be easy.

TW2013 · 09/11/2020 11:40

Is your daughter entirely on the same page in terms of disciplining her son. You both need to be entirely consistent across all three children as far as is possible. Does he still see his father? Is that another source of inconsistency?

SpaceOP · 09/11/2020 11:40

How long have you tried time outs for? Because it doesn't work instantly. So, you have to time out every single time. Calmly. No shouting, no yelling, no drama. Just pick up, remove to time out space. Zero interaction during time out. NO begging him to say sorry, no lectures about how mean it is, no gentle explanations that this is unkind. No attempts to get him to think about how it would feel if someone did it to him.

Set timer. Once time is up, child continues to play as normal.

If it's done again, whether its 2 minutes later or 3 days, repeat.

This can go on for a while.

DS went through a phase of hitting. We spent DAYS with him on time out. But eventually, the message sunk in.

WitchesGlove · 09/11/2020 11:43

How is he able to hurt them when he is younger?

Can you not just tell them to push him away/ shut him in another room etc?

He is going to learn a hard lesson one day if he keeps trying to hurt children older than him!

WitchesGlove · 09/11/2020 11:44

@Viviennemary

I think under the circumstances you should say sorry this isn't working and they need to leave and find other accommodation. That a four month old baby is attacked is unacceptable. You've done your best and its not working. Just read about her mental health problems. I still think she needs to go.
It’s a four year old isn’t it, not a four month old?
LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 09/11/2020 11:47

Time they moved out, OP. You'll have to be firm.

Elvesinquarantine · 09/11/2020 11:47

My ds was 18 months older than dgc. Wasn't in his nature to give him a shove or a punch back.

formerbabe · 09/11/2020 11:49

This is very difficult and i don't think you should tackle it as you ordinarily would with a child behaving like this.

I'm not a expert but if he has witnessed domestic violence he may be traumatised and quite honestly, I think he needs professional help. Not just in terms of getting his behaviour to stop, but he may have seen things that have affected him deeply and he needs support.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/11/2020 11:51

Your primary responsibility is to your younger children. It’s not acceptable for them to be attacked and injured in their home.

Did your DGS witness his father being violent to his mum? He sounds really traumatised to be behaving this way. It’s all really awful but it’s your adult DD’s job to keep on top of her child’s behaviour and if she’s failing to do so - she is - then you can’t let them stay. Whatever the complications of her situation you have to focus on keeping your young children safe, safe in their home, their sanctuary, and the reasons for what’s happening to them don’t change what they’re being put through.

WillSantaBeComingToTown · 09/11/2020 11:54

He is a child from a home of domestic violence- who knows what eh has seen and thinks is normal.
He needs help and support now.
What agencies are involved? Start with GP and health visitor.

Meuniere · 09/11/2020 11:57

I suspect that if yur dd is feeling domestic violence, he is enacting what he has seen at home.
That also means he should never be left alone with the other children. For his own sake and the one of the other dcs.

Yoou have to have a system where eoither you or his mum are present and inetrvening BEFORE he lashes out like this. He also needs someone to show him how to behave etc... Some of his behaviour will be normal toddler behaviour but massively ramped up. And he needs to learn what he can and can't do.
Does your dd have support from SS? Access to a counsellor/family counselling for her ds?

pastandpresent · 09/11/2020 11:59

I am really sorry this is happening. I don't have enough experience to give you any advice, but I think pps has given you great tips.

I also agree with pps that it may take a while for him to undo what he must have experienced seeing, until he snaps out of it and realise it's not ok. He has been abused in a way, even though maybe not physically but mentally for long time by watching his mum being hurt by his dad.

I do feel sad for everyone in this situation, you, your dd, your dcs and your dgs.

Fingers crossed for you and thinking of you.

PatriciaPerch · 09/11/2020 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thosetalesofunexpected · 09/11/2020 12:00

Hi Op
Sorry to hear about the family problems you having experiencing recently,

I think you need to have a chat with your daughter and help her find better more suitable accommadation for her,

You have been a really good support base,for her,she is lucky,blessed to have you as a mother.

Not all families are as good at giving being there for support as you are.

Meuniere · 09/11/2020 12:01

Btw I really really don't think that time out are the answer. This child shoud not be out in a situatin where he is oushed out again. h eneeds to feel that people around him are caring and loving. He needs strog boundaries on what is acceptabe or not, but not implemented in a harsh, demeaning way.
He needs to be stopped BEFORE he can lash out/hurt someone. He nees to learn distraction techniques, been happy to swapo things etc... He needs to be shown how to behave around others rather than been punished.
I also suspect he needss an outlet for his anger/hurt. Lots of exercise, some drawing, playing with him. Think play therapy tools to let him express in is own way what he has witnessed and his hurt.

Wnikat · 09/11/2020 12:04

The number of people telling you to throw them out is appalling. He's 3. God knows what he's been through. But I do think your daughter has to supervise her child at all times to keep your children safe, as a condition of staying there.

I find that timeouts don't work with my children, so I do time in instead.
www.janetlansbury.com/2016/05/why-timeouts-fail-and-what-to-do-instead/

A lot of children go through a biting and hitting stage. It takes time to teach them not to do it anymore and to find another way of communicating.

Quartz2208 · 09/11/2020 12:05

Yes you need to get some professional help here indeed I think social services is probably the correct call as both your DD and Grandson need proper care here

Dddaddy · 09/11/2020 12:05

If I was you I’d go to her health visitor and get them all support that way.

Good luck.

MyDingALingADingDong · 09/11/2020 12:05

Grandson is 3 in a month. He constantly hurts my younger two we are talking at least 8 times a day some times more. He bites them pinches them. Slaps them. They end up with teeth marks. And other marks. This morning he managed to pinch inside 4 year olds mouth and make him bleed. ( words of 4 year old) so I'm not 100% if it was a pinch. But he did hurt him and make his mouth bleed

He's 2. And a damaged, neglected 2 at that. If he is able to do all these things nobody is taking care of him at all, or the other children. Stop leaving the children alone together, for a start.

Social services intervention is needed here.

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