Grandson keeps hurting my children

[Doimatter]

My daughter is staying with me at the moment due to fleeing domestic violence. She was given emgency accommodation by council. But this is a room in a shared house. Sharing kitchen/bathroom. Daughter has personality disorder and can't cope with being in a room like that with her son. With the combination of sharing, mental health and her son in that situation is to hard.

Anyway her son is coming up 3. My two youngest are 4 and 5. 5 year olds has special needs so a bit younger than his actual age.

Grandson is 3 in a month. He constantly hurts my younger two we are talking at least 8 times a day some times more. He bites them pinches them. Slaps them. They end up with teeth marks. And other marks. This morning he managed to pinch inside 4 year olds mouth and make him bleed. ( words of 4 year old) so I'm not 100% if it was a pinch. But he did hurt him and make his mouth bleed.

We give him time out. Tell him no. That's naughty. Have been firm with him told him of. Tried praising his good behaviour. Spend positive time with him. But still he does it . After time out to says sorry. Then within 5 mins hes doing it again.

Just don't know what to do. I told daughter if it does not stop shes gonna have to take him to stay in the room. But I honestly don't want to do that.

@Doimatter is he on any medication?
Asthma medication - montelukast / singulair can make children anxious and violent. As can other meds.

Your grandson is showing trauma based behaviour as a result of witnessing domestic abuse. He will have absorbed more than you realise, even pre-birth.
For children who have experienced trauma time out does not work. His behaviour isnt naughty, he is unable to regulate himself and its trauma based. He will have a lower self esteem and feelings of self worth, time out reinforces that, he will feel naughty and unlikeable. This will escalate behaviours more.
I would suggest you search for therapeutic parenting, there is a great facebook group you can join. The a-z of therapeutic parenting is great.
You need to support him on a trauma based level first and foremost.
It's not easy and often goes against our natural way of parenting. Try and reframe behaviour as a pain based response rather than naughty behaviour.
Good luck.

Leaving her emergency accommodation, and you letting her stay with you, might wreck all chance of her getting rehoused .

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/rules/emergency_housing_if_you_are_homeless

quote

What happens if you refuse an offer

Don't refuse emergency housing if you've got nowhere else to stay. You may not get another offer.

Raise any concerns about the safety or quality of the accommodation with the council. They should address any safety risks and may offer something more suitable.

You may have to accept lower standards than in longer term housing. Emergency accommodation has to be very unsuitable for a legal challenge to succeed.
If you don't stay in the accommodation

The council or accommodation provider might cancel the booking and you might not get another offer of emergency housing.

If you continue to stay with friends or family as an alternative to emergency housing, it's sometimes called being 'homeless at home'.

The council might decide they don’t have to rehouse you if it’s reasonable for you to stay with friends or family long term."

      While she is in your home, then to protect your children  from her DS,  the only answer is for the children to be constantly supervised by an adult.   Between 2 adults that should be possible?

This could be a result of what he’s seen before in the home...... my heart goes out to you all. I think the best thing is to man mark him constantly. And that has to be his mother most of the time. It’s not fair for you to raising your own two plus defending them the whole time.

Does he try to hurt adults, or only the other children?

@Elvesinquarantine

My ds was 18 months older than dgc. Wasn't in his nature to give him a shove or a punch back.

Sorry, you don’t make it clear- are they both older than him?

Have a chat with them about defending themselves and tell them to really shout at him to stop.

If there are two of them both older than him- get them to work together to push him away/ shut him in another room.

Don’t teach them to be doormats to someone violent to them.

I’m not suggesting they fight back- just defend themselves from harm.

The thing is that the 3 year old is well used to others who are older, stronger, more powerful etc who misperceive themselves as a victim and need to defend themselves against his aggression. You can't challenge this learned mindset by encouraging older DC to replicate defensive behaviour without replicating the fucked up victim/aggressor theme.

Your DD and her son in particular need to learn how to live in a nonabusive situation and this will take time. He's just not able to self-regulate and make good choices when he is frustrated at the moment. He is only continually failing because you are asking too much of him - even if it would not be too much for someone else. He is not someone else. Continual supervision will allow him to succeed. Learn to read his behaviour and intervene earlier. This will also keep your DC safe.

If you can't do this, if your DD can't do this, fair enough. Take responsibility. But don't build a narrative that a 3 year old bears all responsibility.

@KeepOnKeepingOnAgainandAgain

The thing is that the 3 year old is well used to others who are older, stronger, more powerful etc who misperceive themselves as a victim and need to defend themselves against his aggression. You can't challenge this learned mindset by encouraging older DC to replicate defensive behaviour without replicating the fucked up victim/aggressor theme.

Your DD and her son in particular need to learn how to live in a nonabusive situation and this will take time. He's just not able to self-regulate and make good choices when he is frustrated at the moment. He is only continually failing because you are asking too much of him - even if it would not be too much for someone else. He is not someone else. Continual supervision will allow him to succeed. Learn to read his behaviour and intervene earlier. This will also keep your DC safe.

If you can't do this, if your DD can't do this, fair enough. Take responsibility. But don't build a narrative that a 3 year old bears all responsibility.

This.

MN is starting to look like the comments section for the DM.

This little boy has been in the planet less than three years and some of the responses are awful.

OP a lot of work I’d to be done here. This little boy needs a lot of support and this means his mother watching him all the time - even sat with him whilst he is playing. No mobile phone until he is asleep.

Just wanted to add that. Daughter was with thus person for 6 months. So not grandson life time. But of course 6 months is a very long time to a child of his age. I just wanted to say that he was not born into it.

Also its very hard to read him as he does it when they are playing nicely as well. Example yesterday all 3 if them were playing in the living room running in circles giggling and he grandson suddenly bit my son. But it had come from no where they were all giggling.

Somone said about him moving twice. That's not happened.

I 100% know him and daughter have been through an awful time. Whuch is why she's here so that I can give support to them both. But also I need to make sure my little ones are OK to. And I will try all the things suggested.

Running around in circles and giggling (undirected play) is exactly when this behaviour should be expected.

You need to learn when to allow it and when to step in. When my DC were younger I had a 'spidey' sense when things were tipping over. Stepping in too soon is always better than too late.

@KeepOnKeepingOnAgainandAgain

The thing is that the 3 year old is well used to others who are older, stronger, more powerful etc who misperceive themselves as a victim and need to defend themselves against his aggression. You can't challenge this learned mindset by encouraging older DC to replicate defensive behaviour without replicating the fucked up victim/aggressor theme.

Your DD and her son in particular need to learn how to live in a nonabusive situation and this will take time. He's just not able to self-regulate and make good choices when he is frustrated at the moment. He is only continually failing because you are asking too much of him - even if it would not be too much for someone else. He is not someone else. Continual supervision will allow him to succeed. Learn to read his behaviour and intervene earlier. This will also keep your DC safe.

If you can't do this, if your DD can't do this, fair enough. Take responsibility. But don't build a narrative that a 3 year old bears all responsibility.

Great post. I agree with every word. You need support for all of you, OP, because this is difficult territory for you all. There are more knowledgeable people on the thread than me. Is there a subforum where OP can get more specialised advice? Or resources anyone can point her towards specifically, if SS/HV etc let them down? She needs guidance and handholding imo.