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Original poster

Would you disown your kids.... or chuck them out the house.. ever?

88 replies

ColdOopNorth · 08/11/2020 09:51

So in the past few weeks I have spoken to 3 people (close friends/ family) who are at the end of their tether with teenage kids. Some of the things the kids have done are steal credit/ debit cards and run up huge bills, organise burglaries on the house when they knew the parents were out (seriously), get pregnant to demand a puppy in exchange for them getting an abortion... deal drugs, steal money from parents repeatedly and then lie about it.... the list is very long, these are just a few of the things I have heard. The parents have tried endlessly to get help, talk to the kids, try to find out what the hell has gone wrong and all the kids have siblings who are 'normal' human beings. The parents basically do not have a life now, they can't have a relationship if they are single, if they are married it puts huge pressure on the marriage, some are on anti-depressants... it is just terrible. So I have been thinking - when can you say enough is enough and kick your own kid out of the house? At what age.... such an awful dilemma for these people who blame themselves and feel like such failures.

OP posts:
MissMarks · 08/11/2020 09:53

I would guess that there is attachment issues and the damage was done in the early years. Sad but true.

ivfbeenbusy · 08/11/2020 09:54

Yes I would - certainly in the case of criminal behaviour I would disown - ie murder, convicted for sex crime, crimes against children etc. The case of the daughter deliberately getting pregnant to get a puppy probably would make me throw her out maybe not disown her completely. Just because we've given birth to/are someone's mother doesn't mean that we HAVE to forgive them for everything they do

HollowTalk · 08/11/2020 09:54

steal credit/ debit cards and run up huge bills, organise burglaries on the house when they knew the parents were out (seriously), get pregnant to demand a puppy in exchange for them getting an abortion... deal drugs, steal money from parents repeatedly and then lie about it

Those are horrendous things to do. If the child was 18+ then I would have no hesitation in saying they had to leave the house. You can still have a relationship without them living there, but I wouldn't have them actually inside the house until I knew I could trust them.

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Branleuse · 08/11/2020 09:55

I think if it was to keep another family member safe from abuse I would, but id still need to know they were ok

Igotmyholiday · 08/11/2020 09:56

Not sure if I would disown, but throwing out of the house certainly would ( I would possibly pay first month and deposit of flat - I did this when threw my exh out)

Deathraystare · 08/11/2020 10:10

Not quite the same thing - and I am not a parent but I was watching an old episode of Undercover Boss USA. One of the guys in a restaurant was thrown out by his parents for being gay and one of the Undercover Bosses (who was a twin) said he had no contact with his family. I thought it was incredibly sad.

Obvs you are talking about behavioural issues though.

BlackeyedSusan · 08/11/2020 10:19

Yes I would.

williowrosenburg · 08/11/2020 10:20

My older brother was one of these kids. He was a nightmare. Rude, disrespectful, threatening behaviours. Theft and lies. Drugs in the house. If parents went away he was hell to live with. Wake up the morning to random guys in the house.

They never threw him out. Not really. He would move out the be back again and the cycle continued.

When he became an adult, had his own kids my mum was still very much a "parent" to him. She had control of his bank account to make sure his bills got paid. She sorted drs appointments (long term health issues) etc etc now she is only free of that because he is in prison.

My parents protected him for so long (he's 40 now) but they were just delaying the inevitable. I do wonder what if they'd kicked him out and not supported him so much in the early days - would he have learnt to care for himself or would he just been on the streets then prison.

Such a hard thing as a parent to negative. But if there are other siblings in the house then the problem should be made to leave. It's not fair on the others to live with like that. It won't do any of the relationships any good.
The parents can still support the child. Help etc but they can't live under the same roof.

AmandaHoldensLips · 08/11/2020 10:20

This is an awful prospect - you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

The only person I know who did this was mum to a rude little shit very difficult teenager. He took out multiple loans with pay day loan companies and anywhere else he could get his hands on money, blew it all on trying to impress his mates, hid all the evidence, and she had the bailiffs turn up at her door.

I'd have chucked him out too.

B1rthis · 08/11/2020 10:20

Children aren't born monsters. They're created by their environment. Parents control the environment. They made the bed, they lie in it.

Hailtomyteeth · 08/11/2020 10:22

If they became abusive, quite possibly.

sleepymumm · 08/11/2020 10:25

Oh wow they are horrible. I don't think I would disown them or throw them out as it will force them to take easy routes to make money such as; more crime, prostitution and drug dealing not saying they are not doing that already. It's very difficult and I really feel for your friends.

pumpkinpie01 · 08/11/2020 10:25

@B1rthis not always the case. I know a family where the daughters are kind , lovely women the son has always had issues - bullying , aggressive behaviour all the kids were treated and brought up the same. Op the puppy example is unbelievable!

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 08/11/2020 10:28

No

But I have one child if you get children were at risk the decision is more complicated and i wouldn’t see them on the streets or sofa surfing

I work with these children who are now adults and in every single case there was always something that was ignored (Not necessarily by the parent/s) and they were labelled the difficult child from as early as a toddler - often all the families issues are placed on them it stays with them

nicky7654 · 08/11/2020 10:28

Yes I would!!!

Ballstothis148 · 08/11/2020 10:29

Have seen the end result of this - abusive kid at school, awful to other kids and her parents. Now she’s an abusive 30 something with her kids in care of her parents. She’s been done for shoplifting, repeat animal cruelty, and dealing (seemingly not doing) drugs out of an old lady’s home.

I don’t know what the answer is but am shocked people would ever act like that - including what OP posted! Poor parents

Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor · 08/11/2020 10:30

I would, especially if there are other children in the house.
But I'd never shut the door on the relationship entirely.
I think its kinder to make them face up to the consequences of their actions, otherwise as a pp said, you're just delaying the inevitable.
Even if my child committed a terrible crime, I'd still visit them in prison or whatever, but I would never help them cover it up! Extreme example perhaps.
I suppose I'd also feel responsible and to blame for the way they'd turned out so I wouldn't shut the door on them.

SenorFrog · 08/11/2020 10:31

My ds is 19, if he did any of those things I would ask him to leave, if he refused I would force him out. I wouldn't disown him, I would support him. Whether that support would be financial or emotional or both would be depend entirely on his attitude and what was needed at the time. I will never disown my children but I will expect them to accept consequences for their actions. I'd still visit them in prison, for example.

Ballstothis148 · 08/11/2020 10:31

That woman had a great childhood btw with three siblings who are delightful and confirm (as much as they can) no abuse in the home, if anything the opposite. Maybe an unfortunate point where a kid who’s had everything starts acting out, and how do you get them back on course. As an adult it just spiralled, there were limited repercussions to her actions

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 08/11/2020 10:43

Ballstothis148 what’s her story though ?

That’s the thing you can have completely different experiences growing up in the same household

I’m not suggesting there was abuse at home but her version of her childhood and home life will be different And I’m sure if she has voiced this she will have been dismissed

What was going on for her as a child for her to act out and bully other children

Oblomov20 · 08/11/2020 10:49

"I would guess that there is attachment issues and the damage was done in the early years. "

Completely disagree.

OP says:

"The parents have tried endlessly to get help, talk to the kids, try to find out what the hell has gone wrong and all the kids have siblings who are 'normal' human beings. "

I understand this. Ds1 is very difficult. Has bought me to my knees. Literally. Ds2 is easy.

I know many families, where one child is very difficult. Often this is a Family of 3 dc or 4dc. So 1 difficult child, 2 or 3 easy.

I think explaining it as attaching or bad parenting is a cheap shot, stooping low!

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/11/2020 10:52

Interesting video.

I never put dc down till they were 2 years old and went to nursery (Couldn’t afford early childcare so worked around them)
I always had one child on my hip till they were too heavy to carry. Spent hours with them figuring stuff out, going through their day before bed, even when they were little more than toddlers.
We have a very close relationship and I could never imagine them doing anything like these children.

The pregnancy or puppy is a no brainer.
No puppy. It puts the choice back onto the girl.

I do think early on people do try to treat their children exactly the same and don’t adjust their parenting for each child’s personality.
I also think early on their is a lot of comparing done with other children and it sets a pattern especially if the very young baby/child doesn’t conform to the norm.

Oblomov20 · 08/11/2020 10:53

"Children aren't born monsters. They're created by their environment. Parents control the environment. They made the bed, they lie in it."

HmmHmmHmm

Yeah. Shit parenting. That's why the other 2 or 3 siblings are perfectly pleasant and NT.

FFS

MN only writes such shit if you are this perfect parent, with easy children, and thus have literally no idea.

God save me. From such naivety.

user1493413286 · 08/11/2020 10:53

Once they’re an adult I would ask them to leave but not before 18; no matter how terrible they are they remain your responsibility and I’ve worked in the places that these kids end up living in when they’re kicked out and it just makes them worse and they have little chance of turning their lives around then.
As an adult I’d disown based on sex crimes or crimes against children but anything else I’d still be there to try and support without enabling behaviour.