Would you disown your kids.... or chuck them out the house.. ever?

[ColdOopNorth]

So in the past few weeks I have spoken to 3 people (close friends/ family) who are at the end of their tether with teenage kids. Some of the things the kids have done are steal credit/ debit cards and run up huge bills, organise burglaries on the house when they knew the parents were out (seriously), get pregnant to demand a puppy in exchange for them getting an abortion... deal drugs, steal money from parents repeatedly and then lie about it.... the list is very long, these are just a few of the things I have heard. The parents have tried endlessly to get help, talk to the kids, try to find out what the hell has gone wrong and all the kids have siblings who are 'normal' human beings. The parents basically do not have a life now, they can't have a relationship if they are single, if they are married it puts huge pressure on the marriage, some are on anti-depressants... it is just terrible. So I have been thinking - when can you say enough is enough and kick your own kid out of the house? At what age.... such an awful dilemma for these people who blame themselves and feel like such failures.

When I heard my ds hit his gf 'under my roof'.. ..
Told him the next day he had to move out. After a few weeks space we managed to salvage our relationship.. The gf decided to stay with him. They split up 3 years and I dc later.

I have to say, I'm fairly shocked at this. What the hell did it matter that it was "under your roof"? You threw out your son knowing that he would probably go and live with his girlfriend who you knew he had been violent towards? I would be keeping him near me where I could help him get support for his anger issues, AWAY from his vulnerable partner. Had I been that girlfriend's parents I would have been devastated that his parent had thrown him out to be with my assaulted daughter.

This is all assuming that he DID go to live with her, of course. Even if he went to live alone, I would NOT want a child of mine with that mindset to be living alone with no-one to talk to about the reasons he ended up assaulting someone.

@ItStartedWithAKiss241

My brother was one of these children.... he did many/most of the things in your examples. I thought it was because he was the golden child and my parents loved him too much to ever punish him for anything. As an adult I found out he was just as neglected (also in the emotional sense) as I was from our parents. They didn’t punish him because that was hassle for them. So effectively we both grew up in a “naice” family in a “naice” home but were ignored. Our parents still say that they don’t know why he turned out like that and many people we know vaguely agree. Anyone that knows us well knows the truth.

Why didn’t you turn out like that then?

There’s still a strong element of choice!

Yep. My 14 yr old is horrid. No respect. Doesn't care about anything at all. Simple tasks such as showering and brushing his teeth result in him screaming at me, breaking things, sometimes becoming physically violent. He's medicated, sees a psychiatrist, and does therapy...nothing helps. I am a single parent and all of my adult family is dead. I have no support system and he makes our house miserable. He will not be allowed to live here when he becomes and adult. I don't have a choice now, but at 18... He can fend for himself. I'm literally trapped in an abusive relationship that I can't get out of because it's my child.

@B1rthis

Children aren't born monsters. They're created by their environment. Parents control the environment. They made the bed, they lie in it.

That's complete bullshit.

To answer the OP, yes, I would throw my children out in any of those circumstances. Organising a burglary?! Just no. Could not have them under my roof. I probably wouldn't disown them though.

Well fuck... Should have read some responses before replying. I see many are blaming the parents. I used to be like that...until living it and doing absolutely everything I can/could to help my child. I'd love to find out the magic change I can make to help my child... So please wise ones... What's the answer? 🤦

I would try and find nicer people to hang around with if I was you op.

@liky

I would try and find nicer people to hang around with if I was you op.

I really hope you're joking

@gumball37

That sounds really difficult. What does he say when you ask him in calmer moments about why he feels so unhappy? (we all know that happy people don't display such anger and rage at something like showering or brushing teeth). i.e. have you tried saying to him during a calm moment "You know earlier today when you got so angry about brushing your teeth, do you know what made you start to feel that rage building up? I'd like to try to understand how it happens. For example, everyone needs to brush their teeth so they don't get decayed painful teeth, and most people don't get angry every time they do it, so what do you think makes you feel different about it?"

It might be something as simple as "I feel like you try to control every minute of my day. I want to brush my teeth when I want to do it, not 2 seconds after you tell me to". I do think that many teenagers just view perfectly normal situations COMPLETELY differently to adults. They just don't understand how we can think so differently to them. And we can't understand their thought processes so can't anticipate them flying off the handle.

I was kicked out of home by my parents for having MH issues. There's absolutely no way that I'd do that to my DS no matter what he did.

DH did kick DSS1 out when he emptied DH's bank account and stole valuables to sell for drug money. He reconciled with him once he had stopped the behaviour. However DSS2 and DS keep their older brother at arms length because they don't fully trust him - he has stolen from them both.

My son would have to do something really really terrible to be thrown out or disowned, I’m not saying I wouldn’t be pissed off, annoyed etc, but I’m his parent for life.

I was thrown out at 17, my brother at 16 and my sister at 18. None of us deserved any of the crap our parents chose to put us through.

I’d make sure they left if any of the other household members were at risk of significant and/or ongoing harm.
I’d disown possibly for certain crimes.

Everyone should have their limits!

I think many people will struggle to disown their children TBH . Many children have different personalities, and most will respond well to average parenting .Some will have special needs and certain characteristics that mean they are harder to parent .Being firm day after day ,becomes exhausting .Other DC will often seem to attract troublesome friends and move in circles that seem exciting ,and arent .Hence Drugs ,drinks and other socially unacceptable behaviour will come to the fore !Regarding the girl who became pregnant in order to get a pup ,surely this is desperation though and she really wanted a dog?(Getting pregnant/having Abortion obv not to be recommended!)

@Simonjt that sounds tough for all 3 of you

I’d never disown or leave my child with nowhere to go but I wouldn’t allow criminal behaviour in my property. If that meant searching them on the way in and them not having a key / not being allowed in alone so be it.

If they couldn’t live here due to behaviour I’d do my best to try and find them somewhere safe and I’d always be there for them despite bad choices.

Yes. My daughter and I had her arrested for attacking me. I had a long thread about the shitty situation. She bounced me like a rubber ball. I gave her too many chances. 2 years on from her last prison stint. She has her own flat, mange's life, has a job and regrets all her choices . It's now possible that her behaviours were down to her epilepsy.
She was a violent drug taking drunk and I hated her.
We now have a great relationship.

My other 2 children work, have their own flats/house and kids.

@Oblomov20

I am not in any way speaking of SEN children or children that may be on the spectrum.

I am speaking of determined, stubborn, headstrong children that need to know that they will not be allowed to rule the house with their behaviour.

I have two children whom were exactly like that.
They are not SEN children but they were headstrong, with huge energy, and they were flipping exhausting at times, and yes they made me cry with frustration.

It also was difficult for my husband to see it clearly until a few incidents whilst he was solely in charge. To see what it's like when a child won't pay a blind bit of notice of you.

I have a clear memory of one of my sons trying to stand my husband and myself down as we told him his behaviour was not acceptable, and that we would not tolerate it....husband and I stood shoulder to shoulder as my 5 year old, yes 5 year old, looked at both of us, eyed us both up, to establish how serious we were.

It's nearly 15 years ago and I remember it so clearly, him looking from one to the other of us, making a calculation as to just how serious we actually were.

It actually was funny because we could see his gorgeous little face weighing us both up and down.

He's an exceptional bright child, continues to be stubborn but he has always known I mean what I say.
Exhausting.
So yes I actually know exactly what I'm writing about.

I have had challenges with his older brother with similar stubbornness.
Again exhausting.

Remaining happily married over many years is a challenge in itself, but even more so having raised several teens.

Hats off to those that have.

I'm hugely lucky in my friends, who are ahead of me who have given me great advice, which has been a liife saver.

My boys are really great young men, and definitely street angels during the teen years, but boundaries have had to be very firmly established over the years as to what we expected.

I have nothing but the greatest respect and admiration for anyone trying to navigate teens with additional challenges, because I can't speak to that.

I’d never disown or leave my child with nowhere to go

If a child of mine turned out to be a peadophile or rapist or murderer i wouldn't think twice

Billy I think you've misunderstood.
You've described a situation that I too can relate to.
such a stubborn child, or a mild SN child, can bring very similar challenges.

Can't you see I'm agreeing with you.

But I think you are wrong about most parents not having the skills to parent such children.

I think many/most parents read up on challenging children, go on parenting courses, seek help early on from HV etc.

But these children are extremely difficult to parent. And can bring you to your knees. And little works.

Yet the other sibling may be easier. So it's not just nurture. It's more nature.

The original OP asked about disowning a child. I've been on many many threads on Mn over the years, where posters have advised the parent of a very difficult child, (rarely SN) but just extremely difficult, that the parent needs to walk away. Sometimes physically. Sometimes only emotionally.

It's not always poor parenting. That's to blame.

Yes I would want them to leave the house if they had done something awful: were criminal or been violent or abusive or involved in serious drug issues.
I would not disown them, but keep the door open for future communication should they seriously change their attitude and behaviour. But not until then.
I would probably disown them if they were involved in paedophilia, violent cruelty, or a [serial] murderer. Luckily both my AC have never caused me any sort of problem either in the past or now.

There is quite a bit of evidence now that nature is a lot more important than nurture in shaping personalities e.g.
blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/in-the-nature-nurture-war-nature-wins/

I was watching one of theses "Kids who kill" documentaries and I was wondering what I would do if the perpetrators were my son .What they did was horrendous They were 15 years old. They laughed about it in the police van. I honestly don't think I could stand by them 😒

Nc for this.
A decade ago I signed a dc over to ss.
For abuse against another of my dc.
Nc for all that time.
No other option sadly.
A part of me died that day. Ringing the police knowing you can never hold that dc again broke me.
It would have been easier to have buried him physically...

My friend was kicked out at 16 when her mum saw her smoking in their town. She moved in with her abusive boyfriend, was securely assaulted by his dad, locked in a cupboard by the boyfriend, got away and told her parents who accused her of being a slut and making the whole thing up. And all because she was seen smoking a cigarette.

She’s one of 4 and the only one still in contact with her mum and dad though her long term DP and father of her DC is NC with them. She longs for their approval and all she gets for it is endless pain and disappointment. They’re monsters. Truly horrible awful people. The sort who spam Facebook about how they adore their grandkids but hardly ever see them.

I’m sure it was because she was chucked out that she continues to make an effort with them now in her 40s, trying to show them that she’s built a great life and a family of her own and desperately hoping one day they’ll be proud of her. It’s heartbreaking.