Would you disown your kids.... or chuck them out the house.. ever?

[ColdOopNorth]

So in the past few weeks I have spoken to 3 people (close friends/ family) who are at the end of their tether with teenage kids. Some of the things the kids have done are steal credit/ debit cards and run up huge bills, organise burglaries on the house when they knew the parents were out (seriously), get pregnant to demand a puppy in exchange for them getting an abortion... deal drugs, steal money from parents repeatedly and then lie about it.... the list is very long, these are just a few of the things I have heard. The parents have tried endlessly to get help, talk to the kids, try to find out what the hell has gone wrong and all the kids have siblings who are 'normal' human beings. The parents basically do not have a life now, they can't have a relationship if they are single, if they are married it puts huge pressure on the marriage, some are on anti-depressants... it is just terrible. So I have been thinking - when can you say enough is enough and kick your own kid out of the house? At what age.... such an awful dilemma for these people who blame themselves and feel like such failures.

I was going to say no until I read the full opening post. maybe I would if they had done some of them things but not for ever, I'd do it, providing I knew they were going to be somewhere safe in the hope of them learning a lesson. I would never disown them though.

[quote CurlyhairedAssassin]@gumball37

That sounds really difficult. What does he say when you ask him in calmer moments about why he feels so unhappy? (we all know that happy people don't display such anger and rage at something like showering or brushing teeth). i.e. have you tried saying to him during a calm moment "You know earlier today when you got so angry about brushing your teeth, do you know what made you start to feel that rage building up? I'd like to try to understand how it happens. For example, everyone needs to brush their teeth so they don't get decayed painful teeth, and most people don't get angry every time they do it, so what do you think makes you feel different about it?"

It might be something as simple as "I feel like you try to control every minute of my day. I want to brush my teeth when I want to do it, not 2 seconds after you tell me to". I do think that many teenagers just view perfectly normal situations COMPLETELY differently to adults. They just don't understand how we can think so differently to them. And we can't understand their thought processes so can't anticipate them flying off the handle.[/quote]
Yep. I have completely changed how I engage with him so there isn't pressure. Give him time frames like "you need to shower before bed, other than that it's up to you". But he literally doesn't want to HAVE to do anything. He thinks he should be able to do whatever whenever and treatme however he chooses. He "doesn't care" any time I try to discuss things with him or ask him questions. He actually told his therapist yesterday that if I took his phone from him as a punishment (literally the only thing I could use for discipline at this point) that he would physically attack me.

It's absolutely awful. Took along time to get any kind of help and now we have it and still... Over a year and a half later, things are still a shit fest.

@Saddm

Nc for this. A decade ago I signed a dc over to ss. For abuse against another of my dc. Nc for all that time. No other option sadly. A part of me died that day. Ringing the police knowing you can never hold that dc again broke me. It would have been easier to have buried him physically...

It's truly awful. You're out in a horrible position and people judge instead of trying to understand. Virtual hug to you I hope you and your other dc(s) have been able to work toward recovery.

I've always said there's only three things which would cause me to disown my ds - paedophilia, bestiality or cold blooded murder.

Anything else I don't think I would ever throw him out or disown him although I would be very disappointed if he ever made someone pregnant and wasn't there for his child. That would break my heart, also if he was ever cruel to anyone.

I might put them out if i felt their behaviour was intolerable, especially as i have other dc, but i wouldn't disown them no matter what they did.

My parents should certainly force my brother to move, abusive little shit that he is. I can't see them ever disowning him (personally I've done exactly that - haven't spoken in years, best decision I ever made).

It's different when it's your own children but if any of mine ended up like him they'd be out the door. Too much damage done to the other children for me to countenance it.

@B1rthis you are generalising. Sure, sometimes it is nurture but not always. My parents were excellent parents. Loving, involved, encouraging, calm and creative. We had a really idyllic early childhood. Both my parents also have a real work ethic. They are much better parents/grandparents than I could ever be. Yet my eldest brother was hideous once he hit his early teens and he remains so. Self absorbed, violent, lazy and abusive. He frightened me and I could not wait to leave home as a result.

My parents did eventually see that they could no longer support him but it took a long while and broke them. They have a very distant relationship with him now and neither myself nor my other brother have seen him for over a decade.

saddm I can’t imagine. I am so very sorry.

NC for this.

Yes, I have had to say my DS can no longer live with me.

He was physically and mentally abusive to me. But the final straw came when he started on my DD. And there was a sexual element to it. I had to say he must leave. I had to protect her.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I tried for years to get help. He is diagnosed with ASC, ADHD and has to take antipsychotics to help him. But he refuses to do that.

I am incredibly upset reading some of the comments here and think some people should be very thankful they have never had to experience such extreme behaviour or live in fear for their life and their DCs lives too.

If it was a partner/spouse being abusive like that, everyone would say at the first occurrence to LTB. When it is your DC being abusive, you try and try and keep on going. You are so torn as you love them so much and yet they are destroying you. But you keep going for years and years. Judgement from those who have never been there is so painful.

nctobeanon you did the right thing.

Yes, thanks, I do know that deep down. But it still rips me apart.

Loving the perfect parents who think it’s all to do with parenting! Looking at a family I know, I’d say it’s a mix of poor parenting, wrong crowd, new environment, lack of extended family support. Other families I know, the kid is an absolute shit, was from day one.