How is everyone feeling? A space to talk without judgement

[wheresmymojo]

So obviously it's a bit of a shit time right now for all sorts of reasons.

I know there are a million threads out there already but I thought it might be nice to have one place where people can say how they're feeling without judgement.

So please respect this as it would be good to:

• Let people say how they feel without making them feel guilty about it

• Playing suffering Olympics, there's always someone having a worse time than us but your feelings are still valid

• Getting into debates about the rights or wrongs of the approach / lockdown / whatever. There are plenty of threads for that already.

This is a little quiet space of the interwebs where you can share how you're doing and where we will hear you

Lucky to have seen all of the relatives over the last couple of weeks so feel 'topped up' on that front.
DH has a very secure job and we are very lucky in that respect. The problem is that he is working 12/13/14/15 hours per day without breaks (other than loo stops) and there doesn't seem to be any way to reduce that at the moment.
I'm doing all of the childcare, household stuff and general life admin and haven't felt able to take a week off my job (self employed) since March- I know I need to but I lose custom if I turn work down. I only work 3 days, sometimes 4 so tell myself I have the other days to rest. But of course those days are spent shopping, cleaning, sorting, etc etc.
My eldest has had a chronic health condition since early this year and we are only just getting treatment that is having an impact. Caring for a sick child is exhausting. Appointments have been delayed, cancelled, test results lost. It's been a shambles but we are in a better position now.
My middle child has autism and has many additional emotional needs. We cope and we are largely successful in how we do things these days, but sudden change is a huge worry and can trigger many behaviours that can be exhausting to deal with.
My youngest was doing so well in their sport and returning to their former self - closing down again has been a blow.
In the last lockdown, we lost 2 elderly family members to Covid. It has been very sad to not mourn them properly. Video calls are great, but not the same, obviously.
I had been doing really well to get to the gym 2 or 3 times a week- often late at night when it was very quiet. It was my time to unwind. I'm going to miss that - even if it is only 4 weeks, although I believe it will be longer.
There's lots to be positive about with the vaccine looking promising but I worry in the meantime about my country, the vulnerable, the sick and the elderly and I don't know enough about politics to make sense of all the fighting and terrible decisions that are tactics rather than for general public benefit. It's a headache trying to keep up. It's a general low mood feeling and often wondering what more I could / should be doing.

I am dreading going back to school - ta in primary, no social distancing, no masks. Other than that, OK, I suppose. Can’t help wondering where we will end up with pandemic, Brexit and ecological collapse. But trudging on because there is no alternative.

@ffsonly46

I'm right on the edge. Self employed, not eligible for any help from the government, very little work since March, at the end of savings, no idea how I will pay my bills next month. At 3am every morning this is terrifying, by 11, I can usually be "I'll sort something, it'll be OK" but I have never felt so worried.

I completely empathise, we're in this position too

@CandyLeBonBon

Exhausted. I single parent 3 teens. Their dad sees them for 24 hours a fortnight. It's all on me. Everything. Eldest is autistic and morose. The life admin for them all is overwhelming. My business has gone through the floor. I have got some other work in the same industry but the pay is fairly basic but at least I can say I'm working.

It's soul destroying. I don't really care about lockdown. I'm just trying to get through and navigate an increasingly complicated life in the hope that I don't just get swallowed up and disappear.

I feel invisible.

Sorry that you're in this position Candy

@NilesandDaphne

Completely suicidal. The first lockdown nearly finished me off, I fear this one will

If you want to PM me please do!

Have you been able to speak to a GP?

@EssentialHummus

Complicated feelings here. My work is fine, DH's is fine. We're really lucky. But I'm not a very good parent to 3yo DD without my support networks, and lockdown makes it harder to access them. Plus yesterday marked what would have been my due date - I lost a baby earlier this year - and I'm sad and very much not over it.

I'm so sorry for your loss x

@Pyjamaface

Nothing much will change, DP works from home in a secure job, DS can still go to school which was the hardest part of the first one But I'm 99% sure I will be told I have cancer on Thursday so that's gonna suck....

I hope that's not the case, the waiting must be agony

[quote TheChosenTwo]@Pyjamaface oh god, I’m thinking of you
And of everyone having a bit of a shitty time of it.
I’m feeling a bit beaten really. Back to school
For me and the dc, dh is at work, both of us lucky enough to have secure jobs and not be worried on that front which is a huge weight off my mind and one that I’m so thankful for as I nearly left my job this time last year for something that would be riskier.
But back to school has brought me nothing but panic. I look after a very elderly relative and the thought it transmitting it is crippling me. Put off going to visit but then get anxious and scared phone calls about why I’m not visiting. So feel guilty and go straight there because I worry about her mental health (she doesn’t see anyone day to day and suffers with depression along with mild dementia so the worry is constant anyway but that’s a whole other thread). She lives far away so it’s a few hours round trip most days that I visit which takes away time from my dc at home which they understand but still just feel very pulled.
Would love her to come and stay with us for the time being but she won’t leave her home, it just puts added pressure on me having to be in 2 places at once.
Anyway, a trivial moan, nothing compared to others and I wouldn’t tell anyone in real life how stressed I am about it all. Because it’s not going to change things.
I agree that schools should be the last place to close but I also think with people saying schools are fine, small kids don’t spread it forget that social distancing just isn’t possible in a classroom environment, we spend hours of the day sat next to them with no masks, just breathing in the classroom germs. Us adults are at risk even if smaller children aren’t testing positive in their droves. The school next to us had to close their junior school because 7 members of staff tested positive, I’m terrified of passing it on to my relative. May sound dramatic. I don’t really care![/quote]

Your feelings are completely valid, I'm glad you felt like you could share them here even if you feel like you can't in real life...

@KylieKangaroo

Feeling really guilty, am expecting my second child and can't help but feel like a terrible person for bringing them into this mess. Wish I could go to sleep and not wake up to be honest.

I'm so sorry that you feel like that, do you think you are depressed or is this just a passing feeling?

Now I am going to sound really awful, but I am sick to death of tiptoeing around 15 year old DD who has anxiety and depression. CAMHs are useless and just as I start to get her to go out again there is another lockdown. She spent all of half term in her room which makes her worse. She was due back to school tomorrow but they have closed due to covid. Her mental health is very fragile and lockdown made it so much worse. I am dreading the never ending fights to get her our of her room to enjoy some enforced 'fun'with us whilst she grimaces at us. I cant even get her out for some exercise because it's cold and wet. I fucking hate mental health problems.

@Sara2000

Now I am going to sound really awful, but I am sick to death of tiptoeing around 15 year old DD who has anxiety and depression. CAMHs are useless and just as I start to get her to go out again there is another lockdown. She spent all of half term in her room which makes her worse. She was due back to school tomorrow but they have closed due to covid. Her mental health is very fragile and lockdown made it so much worse. I am dreading the never ending fights to get her our of her room to enjoy some enforced 'fun'with us whilst she grimaces at us. I cant even get her out for some exercise because it's cold and wet. I fucking hate mental health problems.

You don't sound awful, MH problems are hard on those supporting them as well as the person with the MH issues. I know it must be hard to see your DD go through it and feel like you can't make her better like you did when she was little and fell over x

@Sara2000 my dd was the same a couple of years ago have you taken her for a blood test? Mine had low iron and low vitamin D. Might help.

Funnily enough we are going for a blood test tomorrow. I just feel like giving up. She doesnt want to be an active part of the family. We are her staff.. we are here to provide food and lifts to school but that's it.. she spends all of her time in her room. She could be a lodger. I'm done with trying to think of a reason to coax her out. I donr want to bake another bloody cake, or suggest some pointless art project or make a meal that gets left cold and barely commented on.. she can stay in her bloody room wallowing in self pity.

@Sara2000 it’s such tough going. I hope you all come through it eventually. Dd changed school in the end. It helped a bit - enough to pull her out of herself. But yes, I totally get it.

I’m very anxious and worried about work
I’m depressive and live alone. I’m usually ok with being alone but it’s really getting to me. started a new job in September WFH and feeling overwhelmed and imposter syndrome but they have just offered me more hours for the next 3 months which I feel obliged to take.

DP lives in another country and is self employed, very worried about the future of his business and our plans for the future being scuppered

Thanks for doing this thread.
Lots of and for all struggling.
Funny enough I have been waking up in the night with nightmares and a feeling of dread too. It started on the weekend. My husband says he has weird nightmares too.
I am feeling quite anxious about being stuck in the house due to isolation without heating, and specially about my daughter being cold. The heating was not stopping as it should when we started it this autumn. So we called someone and he did have a go. But now it is not starting. He is coming back Wed. I am worried it is something difficult to find and he cannot fix it, or that we have to change the system and spend a fortune. But mainly, that we have to stay home without heating, and maybe sick with covid and a temperature.
I cannot believe how much head space something that has not happened can take. Feeling a bit better now that Wed is getting closer.......
Dealing with moody teens in the middle of all this is another thing that is a real hard work. It is really taking a high toll on them

Low iron and vitamins you say? I am giving mine vitamins, including iron, so hopefully that will cover! The GP did not ask for bloods in our case. It took forever to get a phone appointment
She is just a happier self since thay went back to school!

Nervous about the kids going back to school. It's a massive school and already had quite a few cases. I know young people who have had Covid, and are still exhausted months on. It's not something anyone wants to have.

Good days and bad days though my mood can fluctuate widely depending on time of day. I have a job, can wfh, so that's good. But I live alone, parents in another continent so it could be 2 years since I see them. And I'm sad I can't see any friends or colleagues for months. Sometimes the isolation and uncertainty about the future is overwhelming. A LTR ended just before the first lockdown so I found that period traumatic, but in a much better place now as I'm over it. Finally.

My saving grace is I met someone a few months ago who is now in my support bubble. So it means I will feel human contact, something I didn't have first lockdown. Though he's a front line essential worker so I worry about his mental health too. I find it's hard not to worry about my parents (if anything happened to them or me, we may not even be able to bury each other, as it's a long flight - I'm an only child, so this is morbid but a reality).

But being active is helping and focusing on one day at a time. Not thinking too far ahead. The coronacoaster.

I’m worried constantly: husband who was furloughed and suffered with MH (family were zero help); son at uni and coping but very flat and I’m concerned about how much time he’s alone because his housemates are deferring one after the other; dB is not doing well; sil had a mental breakdown last lockdown; mother out of hospital today but needs surgery and a waiting list of unknown length. I’m struggling to park this.

Bit wobbly over future finances even if still have a job (which isnt great and I'd leave if I could)

Very anxious at what to do with 2 very active extroverted kids, dd6 and ds5, who bicker incessantly over everything when indoors and do not really enjoy walks, bike rides or playgrounds that much now it's winter..

I'm actually ok as an introvert...

Surprisingly anxious. Comparatively, we've been incredibly lucky so far. I'm on mat leave, job as secure as anything can be at the moment and I'll be able to wfh when I return. Dh also reasonably secure and able to wfh. He had covid back March, was very unwell and took a long time to recover but is finally starting to feel right again. Our dd has just started school and has settled really well. Ds is 8 months now and is a lovely baby - happy, smiley and not moving yet! Has been a dreadful sleeper but it's improving. We bought a project house last October - we made if functional before we moved in but it needs fully refurbishing - the plans are exciting but the party wall process is slow and a bit painful and we'll need to find somewhere to rent and move out to do the work...that's making me really anxious atm.
I'm annoyed with myself for feeling so down - when dh was ill, the baby was tiny and not sleeping or gaining weight well and dd was so sad to be sent he from nursery, it was bloody hard. Now it's all so much easier but the thought of another lockdown is still awful... I think I'm just exhausted from the sleep deprivation! Need to pull myself together!

I feel a bit low from time to time but this could be because I have not been on a walk since the first lock down. I have to be near a loo and was worried they would shut them. I should go for a walk near the river, it doesn't have to be miles, after all. So this is all my fault but at the moment I am chucking stuff out my room, trying for a fresh start.

I was alright until I went out shopping one day in Westfield. I know they have to put restrictions on us but I felt like cattle going through those barriers and keeping to one side etc etc. I used to like browsing in Westfield but I no longer go there.

My parents and aunt are no longer living, but I do miss going to m firneds. I did take one to the dentist but guess that is not allowed now. To be honest I switch off as soon as I see Boris et al so not sure what is happening.

I was ok this morning and went for a walk before work, whilst listening to a Resilience podcast.

I’m temping at the moment (from home) and today has been tricky - made a couple of mistakes and got some feedback that was good but highlighted the errors. It’s make me anxious and realise quite how bloody tenuous it all is - as a temp, I could be ‘let go’ with no notice. Trying to ignore the rising anxiety and remind myself that one negative in 4 weeks will not mean the immediate sack.

But it all goes to show how bloody fragile my mental health / finances are at the moment that one ‘you did this well but this was wrong’ comment can make me shaky.

today I found myself wishing I was in a conference centre, eating a roast vegetable salad with chocolate mousse for afters, panicking about my slides.