DS said he was called a “Paki” at school today. How to handle with school?

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DS (9) came home quite upset today as he said a boy in his class called him a “Paki” on the way to a lesson. He told a teacher who dismissed what he said by saying it was probably a misunderstanding and to put it behind him. The boy denied it and said he called him the name of a moon. Nobody else heard it. I said it’s possible the boy didn’t know what it meant or that DS misunderstood. He’s a tough one and very little phases him but he was genuinely angry. I don’t want to minimize how he is feeling (as the teacher did) but I’m not sure how to approach it with school given that there were no witnesses. He attends a prep, which isn’t very hot on discussing/acknowledging issues of diversity.

Definitely not letting it go.
@MarriedtoDaveGrohl I absolutely agree that the child may not have known the meaning/consequence and kids say/do shitty things. I can forgive that and bear no anger towards the child. My concern is more the school’s handling. They have asked me to come in and advise on how they can improve issues around diversity because they clearly have absolutely zero clue living in C London. That in itself is embarrassing. I am utterly amazed at how sheltered these people are from the realities on their doorstep.
DS came up to me yesterday and thanked me for handling it. Thank you all for encouraging me. He said something else very interesting - that when the boy called him paki, he went numb as he couldn’t process and believe what he heard. I’m sure his response wouldn’t have been so had he been called a puck. I explained the fight/flight response and that was entirely normal.

Yes - agree they had zero intention of telling me had DS not raised it.

Your lad sounds absolutely lovely and brave OP, it must mean an awful lot to him to have you fighting this.

It's good that you're pushing it with the school. It doesn't matter whether the boy knew the gravity of the word or not - they should use situations like this to educate the children in their care on racism and prejudice. Hopefully with you pushing the issue now they will come to realise this and a permanent change will be made to the school's attitude and handling!

He said something else very interesting - that when the boy called him paki, he went numb as he couldn’t process and believe what he heard.

This. I'm in my 40s and I still have this response. I think as parents we need to be brave and stand against racism when we see it, as otherwise this will be what happens to our children as well. Having seen racially motivated verbal aggression escalate into physical violence, it's scary. But I think my friend's approach of repeating the words loudly to the perpetrator and asking them to explain what they mean (in the presence of others) is a good approach. She also did this with a child in the playground, who was making "ching chong" noises behind her as she was taking her dc into school. It worked on that child as well.

In fact, it might not be a bad idea for the school to do something around the sort of response that racial aggression elicits in those to whom it is directed. I wonder how many pupils would then be more likely to stand up to it, if they heard it being used against a friend?

Without derailing your thread, his reaction is also likely to be due to the trauma our bodies hold and are passed on through generations. Talk to him about this in a gentle age appropriate way so he can understand why he feels when faced with feelings he doesn't understand. We feel trauma due to the things that those word signify even if we haven't directly experienced that hatred. Talk to him about where he felt it in his body and how it made him feel. And talk to him about how to deal with those emotions at the time... his reaction to go to a safe person to talk about it was PERFECT... shame the teacher didn't react in the right way. It is also good to take a deep breath, separate the reactive emotions from the logical ones, recognise the difference and take a few deep breaths and / or a drink of water to allow those emotions to pass and to be let out. And it is lovely that he is grateful for the way you dealt with it and that he is able to express how he feels. Three cheers for you and for him! Nurture that emotional intelligence. Lots of hugs, quiet times, share family stories so he knows what those deep fears and feelings if numbness mean. By letting these out and fixing these things when they come up, you and he will be healing ancestral wounds and making things better for the generations to come.

Sorry for the total outpouring of what you might think to be non scientific bollocks!! Take it with a pinch of salt if you wish!

Poor little thing. I'm actually in tears (not usual!) thinking about this little boy hearing that and feeling that way. I think you need to explain to that teacher how impactful it was. It's not just a stupid word. I don't think they realise.

That boy needs to acknowledge that and apologise. I mean really apologise too not make up some shit about puck (which by the way he only thought of because he uses it to cover for saying fuck hence the randomness).

Does your son go to a private school? I only ask because as a state school teacher I get annual training on diversity and how to handle racism and racist incidents. I assumed this was a national thing .

OP, they have no choice but to report it to the LA. I’m on half term this week but can find out the name of the form for you if that would help?

Sadly I’ve completed three of these forms in 2020 alone

static1.squarespace.com/static/574451fe37013bd0515647ac/t/5b5ec863575d1fa8d655cf56/1532938345596/Reporting+suspected+racist+incidents+in+school.pdf

If it’s a private school, let them know you’ll be publicising the incident.

I'm so sorry your son experienced this I am mixed race and 30+ years later I can remember the names nd abuse I received. When you say he felt numb and unable to process the situation it took me right back, as did the minimising by the teacher.

I remember my mum raising it with a teacher during parents evening once and the teacher's response was to ask me in front of class who had been bullying me!

Oh and 9 year olds definitely know racial slurs and what they mean.

It would be nice to be able to rise above it but it does something to you deep inside that is difficult to undo. I'm glad you're fighting this it will mean the world to your son

@TheRuleofStix I've never received any diversity training. I would really like to.

Just say this:
“Yes my heritage is Pakistan, I’m assuming your heritage is British? Would you mind if when referring to my heritage you use the full word - Pakistan. It’s just some weirdos in the 80s used it as an insult. I know you aren’t like that and I would hate for you to be misunderstood. My family are quite western though, But feel free to come and speak to my grandparents, they were born in Pakistan and love talking about the country and history. My parents and I were born in England and it’s all I know”.

You’re doing the right thing OP.

Much more important to your DS than the incident itself, is that’s he’s learning from you HOW this stuff should be handled.

As he watches you challenge the school administration - people he’s been taught, by you and probably most other people in his life, to trust and look up to - he will learn how to deal with racial discrimination and other forms of injustice, and how to deal with bullies. It’s crucial you don’t let it drop.

I’m a child of the 80s, London suburbs. I was called the same thing (not even Pakistani, but hey) by the ‘gang leader’ of a friendship group of four girls. They were just children, and obviously learned all this stuff at home, and everyone knew they didn’t truly grasp the weight of what they were saying, only that it was powerful and negative. My dad went quietly ballistic with the head teacher who did all the things your DS’s head is doing (so depressing this is still the case 30 years on): denied it happened, denied it was a big deal, made excuses for the girls, eventually extracted a pitiful apology etc. When my dad didn’t get the response he wanted, which was a commitment to ensuring they wouldn’t stand for such discrimination and that they would educate, he withdrew me from the school and explained why. It was essential to him that I understood I wasn’t running away from bullies, that these girls needed to be taught and they weren’t inherently bad aged 8, but that an environment where I was deemed less deserving of pastoral care for race-based problems than kids who were suffering other problems that required pastoral attention, was not the best thing for me (or indeed any child).

His dignity, sense of justice and fairness, his care for that group of girls, his soft and calm tone at all times (although I remember his eyes flashing with rage 30+ years on!), his determination to do his best for everyone (not just me as his child) - these things have stuck with me and set my moral compass. Such an important life lesson.

Come back here for support if you need it.

Sorry for the terrible syntax and grammar there! I did actually go on to receive a decent education . I think you can work out what I meant.

@MissEliza that’s a worry. The regular training is now only on line unfortunately but we still do get a top up.

I'd really like to do some kind of training in that area.

I think there’s so much that schools and teachers need to learn - especially those in largely white areas with very little ethnic diversity.

Is your ds back at school tomorrow, OP? I hope he is ok .

Thank you all to those who posted and apologies I didn’t reply sooner. I met with the Head and Deputy yesterday, who have assured me they will be changing their policy on racist incidents to ensure that they are now treated as a safeguarding issue. I started the conversation by saying that it is very damaging for their reputation to be seen to be sweeping such issues under the carpet given that they pride themselves on their pastoral care. I said I was uncomfortable with young children being interviewed without the presence of a parent - my son said his heart was beating when he was being questioned. I also said that whoever shouts the loudest will be more believable and there needs to be more people involved in the interview process when it’s one boy’s word against another’s. I didn’t mention that that the Deputy said to DS “what would school inspectors say if they found out?” as I didn’t want to embarrass him but he clearly saw I was pissed off with the process. They agreed and said a “neutral” third party will be brought in in future. They are looking into widening the breadth of literature available to reflect wider society, and are trying to increase the proportion of staff from BAME communities. Head apologised profusely and seemed genuinely embarrassed by the shambolic way in which it was handled. He said he agrees that private schools have a duty to reflect what is happening in our communities and he doing things although it takes time. Overall, I do think he appreciated my comments and he didn’t shy away from any tough questions. It will be logged formally as he said the school needs to learn from it. They will think twice before handling such situations appallingly again. Today, they will do activities focussed in differences. I’d say they took seriously what I said.

So, thank you all for your amazing support. It gave me strength to deal with school and it was heartening that you shared your own experiences. If anyone come across this post, please challenge these behaviours for your own kids but also for the sake of others.

[quote Usernamealreadyexists]@MissEliza in my 43 years, I’ve experienced one incident of being called a Paki. It’s the first time DS has experienced it. The child in question has some behavioural issues.[/quote]
"The child in question has behavioural issues". I assume that the teacher realised it would be a lot of effort to confront the "difficult" child, get them to apologise, maybe impose additional punishment if it escalated because the child refused to apologise etc etc. And then the teacher would probably be stuck in detention with the troublesome child. Much easier to ask your child (who is probably better behaved and more compliant) to put it behind them knowing they were less likely to make a fuss. Its wrong. Aside from giving your child the message they should put up with racism, it also shows them that the penalty for being "good" is people ignore your complaints. Absolutely take it up with the headteacher.

sorry cross posted

I'm glad that the school are improving their safeguarding policies but bloody hell, it shouldnt have come to this.
My DH has worked in a private school for 20years and when I asked him what he would have done he said anything racist is instantly escalated to head of year. He accused your sons school of being extremely sloppy.

I'd be appalled at it being brushed under the carpet and them being more worried about their reputation. The teacher dealt with it like it was the 70s