DS said he was called a “Paki” at school today. How to handle with school?

[Usernamealreadyexists]

DS (9) came home quite upset today as he said a boy in his class called him a “Paki” on the way to a lesson. He told a teacher who dismissed what he said by saying it was probably a misunderstanding and to put it behind him. The boy denied it and said he called him the name of a moon. Nobody else heard it. I said it’s possible the boy didn’t know what it meant or that DS misunderstood. He’s a tough one and very little phases him but he was genuinely angry. I don’t want to minimize how he is feeling (as the teacher did) but I’m not sure how to approach it with school given that there were no witnesses. He attends a prep, which isn’t very hot on discussing/acknowledging issues of diversity.

Racial slur or not, the point is that no-one f*cks with the kid at school who holds their head up high and doesn't give a crap what people say. Bullies will move on if you don't give them any air time. They move on really fast if you say you feel sorry for them, as they're obviously insecure because they're lashing out.

Don't you think not giving a shit about what saddo bullies have to say is a useful life skill? It's especially important in the social media age.

"Bullies move on..." to what? Their next victim??

@Guineapigbridge you have no idea what you're talking about. Just be quiet. Shhh....

Absolutely chase it up. That's not on to minimise it. The teacher clearly handled it wrong and needs guidance about how to respond if it happens again.

We are white and the school my 8yo dd goes to is fairly mixed racially. I am sure she would not use a racist term BUT if she did, I'd want to know, to deal with it at home. I think the school and also the parents need to know.

Just to say that there is a moon called Makemake which is pronounced Makimaki.
I know this because my dgs is obsessed with the solar system.
Though it does seem strange that the boy would call your ds the very name that sounds similar.
The incident definitely needs looking into.
There's no place for name calling especially racist slurs.

@Guineapigbridge

Can't you just teach him to be proud of being Pakistani? I'd tell him to say, "yes, my heritage is Pakistani, did you know I can speak two languages?" or "I'm proud of my culture" or "what's up your arse, are you jealous" Or whatever. It's not shameful to have Pakistani heritage. Tell him to own it.

Umm... He might not be Pakistani? Part of the issue with the term is that people use it to refer to anyone of middle-Eastern heritage, thus lumping several distinct countries and cultures together into one homogeneous mass.

I'm sorry your ds has experienced racism at such a young age. My dd was in Reception when a classmate pulled up his eyes and nose and told her she was a "Chinese pig". She didn't tell me until several years later, I wish she had done as I would have taken it up with the school. An email to the Head (classroom teacher has not, on the face of it, dealt with it sufficiently although she may have escalated it privately). State factually what was said to your ds and how it was handled. Ask for it to be formally logged and to be informed of the outcome. Be politely persistent if a response is not forthcoming.

I don't buy this shit about how our kids should just have to take it. That's what I was taught as a child and its had a lasting impact. Myself and my friend were both racially abused by the couple sitting next to us whilst having dinner in a hotel recently. I went to the staff and my friend challenged the man, politely and firmly, by raising her voice so others could hear, repeating what he was saying and asking him to explain what he meant. Unsurprisingly, he then threatened her with physical violence. I had to chase and chase the hotel for a response, which came back a couple of weeks later. It was polite, but corporate, so I'm not convinced.

What I do remember about that evening though, is how long we tried to ignore him for, how much my hands started to shake during the incident and being worried there would be consequences for myself and my friend once the couple had left - I spent the rest of the visit looking out for them.

Definitely report and ask for feedback on how it’s been investigated. For balance, I once had an awful situation where a child thought another child said a racist word but they had genuinely mis-heard (I was sitting next to the child who said it). Not saying that’s what happened here (your DS is older than the children I’m talking about, and the fact that others in the class knew the word seems concerning) but just saying it’s important to keep an open mind and find out exactly what happened.

@DougRossIsTheBoss

I'm also struggling with which name of a moon sounds like P**i

Shame on that teacher to dismiss and minimise it when your son was upset. What really are the chances that he somehow misheard that??

I agree take it to the head.

Harpalyke?

Although it's completely irrelevant because why would he be calling him the name of a moon that just happened to sound vaguely similar to that disgusting racial slur?

You should be very proud of your son for following the correct procedures and reporting it. I hope you get a more satisfactory outcome by following his complaint up xx

My brother experienced this sort of disgusting behaviour in primary school in the 80's. I like to think we have moved on in how it's dealt with by the school but sadly not.

You absolutely should raise this.

This bully needs to understand the seriousness of what has been said. And since when is it normal to call each other moon names in school??

The OP is going to report it, but I would hope able to do so in person (social distancing permitting) to make it seem as important to report it as I think it is.

Like a PP my DC was called a terrorist, a bomber, ISIS and even Harvey Price when he was at secondary school not very long ago. He didn't tell me until after he had left because he knew I would go in hard on the school to investigate and deal with the offending students.

However, it still plays on his mind now, and he is 19. I don't think we should underplay the effect that these words have on young minds, both the kid on the receiving end of the racism, and the kid being able to give it, with no consequences.

Agree with all PPs who say this needs raising with school and dealing with properly, which the teacher failed to do.
Kids need teaching this stuff. When I was a child (80s), kids at school referred to the newsagent as 'the Paki shop', to the extent I just thought that was what it was called. It wasn't until I asked my mum for some money to go there that she knew that was the term I was using and was able to explain to me. I remember feeling a real sense of embarrassment and shame. I would really hope that things have moved on, and there is greater awareness about use of language these days, but I also think kids need this stuff spelling out and your son's teacher had a good opportunity to do just that.
I hope your son is OK.

I hate it when adults gaslight kids. A teacher said the same to DS, basically "that didn't happen and I don't believe you". It's a shit way to treat kids and my son doesn't lie. Back your son up and let him know that you believe him, even if the teacher doesn't.

The story about the people made of clay in the oven is a Native American creation story. In it the first people made are white people who are undercooked, the back people are overcooked and the Native Americans are cooked just right. I remember it from school.

@Guineapigbridge DS is tough as boots but Aline has been crossed. You may with your familiarize yourself with the etymology of the term and talk to South Asians who migrated here in the 69s and 70s about it.

I'm really sorry to hear your son has gone through this. I agree with PPs in reporting it to the school as it shouldn't be swept under the carpet.

I find the word disgusting and have told off an ex-friend for using it and explained that it's racist. Unfortunately others made excuses for them saying that the person was simply ignorant but I don't think there is any excuse for using these racist terms.

I hope the school recognises that this is a serious issue and educates the teacher on how to deal with these matters more appropriately.

I remember a passing adult saying it to DD when she was a child and we were walking down the street, I was walking behind her and he probably didn't realise I was with her (I'm white) and thought he could get away with it. DD learnt a few new words that day when I turned on him. What kind of a man does that to a child?

Thanks all. I emailed the Head this morning and then spoke to him at the gate. He said he read my mail and that the person in charge of pastoral would be in touch. He said they take such incidents seriously and thanked me for informing him.

Good to hear, OP.

Please do let us know the outcome. I think if we have children who have experienced this (or have experienced it as children ourselves), it can cut very deep, especially when we hear people try to minimise it.

No toast. The one read at my childrens school was The Fire Children by Eric Maddern. Seems like theres more than one book spouting this racist bullshit to our kids.

Update. Just got a call from the school. It was an odd conversation. Head of pastoral spoke to both boys individually and separately. Apparently, the boy was very upset yesterday and today and claimed he said Puck. As my DS left school yesterday not upset, school didn’t think it was a big deal until I emailed. DS, when questioned by the teacher today, said he wasn’t certain that Paki was used (even though he was v upset when he came home and was clear about the language used). So, I think they have concluded it didn’t happen as my son wasn’t upset enough and the other boy was. I asked why I wasn’t informed yesterday and he sound flustered and said he was waiting to speak to both boys after the teacher had reported the incident yesterday. Sounds like bullshit to me. They reacted when they saw my email this morning. Anyway, he said they will use this incident to improve things and that it will be logged in school. He said if anything else comes up about the incident to let him know. I asked what he meant. He said the circumstances and language that was used. I said I wasn’t going to be putting words into DS’s mouth and as far as I am concerned, I won’t be digging any further. I reported to school what DS related to me. I used the conversation to relay to him that I was disappointed that only one conversation about diversity had happened in the school in the 6 years my son had been there and that was only after I asked what activities would be happening for Black History Month this year. I also said I was disappointed that the school continues to live in a bubble despite being in one of the most diverse cities in the world.

I can accept that children use words without knowing that they shouldn't - but education is key. There should be some kind of talk about where the word came from, and why it shouldn't be used.

It's not the action of the child in question that worries me, but the teacher's attitude towards dealing with it. You need to push this further, and insist that it is dealt with in an assembly, and that the children are sent home with a letter explaining the incident. The child who said the word doesn't need to be outed, but he does need to be present at the assembly, his parents should receive the letter, and I even think it should include a form to return to school stating that parents are happy to support the school's actions to tackle racist language and behaviour.

It seems a bit of a wishy-washy reply from the school, but I understand you need stamina to persue these things (I accepted wishy-washy reply from the hotel I mentioned upthread because I didn't have the energy to persue it at the time). Given what you've written, I wonder if the conversations with both children were leading in the way they were conducted?

At this stage I would concentrating on making sure your ds is confident enough to tell you if there are any further incidents, and that he is assured you'll have his back if there are.

There was an incident of casual racist language in a class groupchat last year, and my dd, although it was not aimed at her, was uncomfortable enough to ask me to look at it. I raised it with a member of staff and it was dealt with very swiftly, with sanctions being applied the same day to the child, and a communication sent home. It wears you down if the micro-aggressions are brushed under the carpet continuously, so I think as parents we need to be vigilant that this isn't the case.

Apparently, the boy was very upset yesterday and today and claimed he said Puck

Pull the other one- it's got bells on... He was upset because he knew he had done wrong and came up with any old word starting with a P. What exactly is a "puck"-did anyone ask him? What did he mean by that? Why did he call your son that?

The school are trying to avoid reporting this officially as a racist incident. I would be seriously unimpressed with this...