DS said he was called a “Paki” at school today. How to handle with school?

[Usernamealreadyexists]

DS (9) came home quite upset today as he said a boy in his class called him a “Paki” on the way to a lesson. He told a teacher who dismissed what he said by saying it was probably a misunderstanding and to put it behind him. The boy denied it and said he called him the name of a moon. Nobody else heard it. I said it’s possible the boy didn’t know what it meant or that DS misunderstood. He’s a tough one and very little phases him but he was genuinely angry. I don’t want to minimize how he is feeling (as the teacher did) but I’m not sure how to approach it with school given that there were no witnesses. He attends a prep, which isn’t very hot on discussing/acknowledging issues of diversity.

@BrigitsBigKnickers

Apparently, the boy was very upset yesterday and today and claimed he said Puck

Pull the other one- it's got bells on... He was upset because he knew he had done wrong and came up with any old word starting with a P. What exactly is a "puck"-did anyone ask him? What did he mean by that? Why did he call your son that?

The school are trying to avoid reporting this officially as a racist incident. I would be seriously unimpressed with this...

If he did say puck, I'd imagine it was used as a fuck replacement. You know, so the other kids go, 'Miiiiiiiss, so-and-so swore at me!' and the delightful little scamp can smugly say, 'No I didn't, I said puck!' 🙄

I would email again; and say on reflection you are unhappy with how this has been handled and the outcome. The damage has been done; your DS reported a racist incident and it was brushed under the carpet He may now not be confident to report another incident. Now they are almost victim blaming by saying the other kid is upset.

I would suggest their staff need training in how to deal with racism and how to report it.

I would use the word Ofsted in my email.

BigBigPumpkin

Yeah the Puck/ Fuck thing had also crossed my mind...

But then fuck doesn’t sound like paki....
..

Are you trolling? Do you know the history of the word Paki? Deliberately sensitive? In that case, black people should stop being so sensitive when called a n**r.
I’m from the S Asian community and the level of racism towards whites and blacks is abhorrent. It even exists at the level of different castes. We should never stop challenging this despicable behaviour. I’m afraid, 3-4 times of being called a racist names is too late for damage to have been done.

It is different to be white in an international school - were you there because of your parents' work? I don't allow my dc to use "gweilo" (Chinese slang for white person) because some people find it offensive. It's no hardship for me not to use it.

The power balance is different. Being called a girl vs being called a pki (or a chnk in my case) isn't the same thing.

I thank god I grew up in a country where people did not have these issues of race. It was amazing which is what I could never understand this because for me they are just too young, kids.

I am not saying they should not be educated on the subject at early age. The school must do this in general.

At that age kids do not always know why what they are saying is wrong but know it is wrong, so yes the boy should be dealt with, I am glad he was upset as he might understand the seriousness of it.

The teachers and heads reactions are the ones I find most appalling. A child can be forgiven for getting it wrong and not quite understanding but for an adult, in that environment to say that your son wasn’t upset enough to make it a big deal is so wrong. I hope you have some luck if you decide to take it further.

We had this with my dds (dark skinned) friend last week. Unfortunately the ta took the stance of your sons teacher and said the friend has 'misheard' and dds friend had to apologise
It needs to be stamped the fuck out young.

And in dds friends case a girl in the class made a 'joke' by saying "oh look, a p*ki with a packed lunch".
Has to miss hear that ffs

@OverTheRainbow88

I would email again; and say on reflection you are unhappy with how this has been handled and the outcome. The damage has been done; your DS reported a racist incident and it was brushed under the carpet He may now not be confident to report another incident. Now they are almost victim blaming by saying the other kid is upset.

I would suggest their staff need training in how to deal with racism and how to report it.

I would use the word Ofsted in my email.

I think @OverTheRainbow88 has it spot on. When I had dealings with the school on difficult issues, after the ‘conclusion’, I followed everything up with a summary email saying “you said this, I said this, You said that, I disputed that and my position is this, we agreed the way ahead was thisL. Gives you a paper trail if it escalates (which in my case it did) and also sets out your position as someone who won’t push things under the carpet. Good luck.

Logged in school? They need to report the incident to the LA, this is a legal requirement that the school must follow.

Just asked DS how the meeting went. On the phone, the teacher said that he wasn’t clear about the word that was used. I asked him again, and he still maintains paki was used. Looks like they are brushing it under the carpet. DS said everything has been sorted and is ok. I have emailed and requested a copy of the meeting notes and what was concluded.

Thank you all for your support, insights and superb advice.

@SimonJT there was no mention of LA but he said this would be logged in school.

@Usernamealreadyexists - just letting you know we think you might have used your DS's name in your post at 18.06 - we've just edited that out to protect your privacy.

I am of mixed heritage and the stuff I dealt with at school has lived with me all my life- I can remember word for word the chants I listened to as a child. Do not let it drop because believe me it will last for life.

Urgh they're gaslighting your ds to convince him he heard wrong. Bastards.

What did he mean by puck anyway?! Were they discussing ice hockey or something?!

Little fucker. Not on at all but sadly children are beasts and use everything they can in the war against each other. But this boy knows it's wrong and so is back-pedalling which is good - worth making a fuss over however.

But a very old fashioned word to use, where would he get that ftom...?? His parents? Surely not 🙄🙄

So if there's ever a meeting that involves them be prepared for them to be far less than reasonable. Bullies usually have shitty parents. But sounds like your boy wants to move on and hopefully the little fucker will think twice next time. He's on notice now.

@ClaraMumsnet thank you so much! I have zero recollection of writing his name...

I have requested the meeting notes from school. They have asked to meet me in person to view them. Pretty sure there should be no issue in me having a copy? DS mentioned that the teacher interviewing said to the boys (something along the lines of) the effect on the school if school inspectors/ this being bad for the school as there’s never been a racist incident. So, he prejudiced the process...

If it's any consolation the boy was probably just being a nasty little prick. I used to call my brothers poufs with absolutely no idea what it meant. He knows what that word means but it's not likely he's actually racially prejudiced at that age.

Unacceptable though and clearly the school wants to make it go away. Which hopefully means being really clear with this little shit that's it's unacceptable? Get the notes but be aware children are unreliable witnesses.

Of course there’s never been a racist incident... because when there is one the victim is told they have misheard, is then ignored, and I bet had you not emailed in it would never have been mentioned again. It is utterly appalling. I wouldn’t let this go, and I myself am a teacher and a parent to dual heritage kids.

I am sorry that you and your son are experiencing this.

From your recounting of the incident;
Your son heard another boy say something to him which sounded to him like an offensive word.
He reported this to a teacher who told him that he must have misunderstood.

Their reaction should have been along the lines of .. 'I am sorry that you thought Boy X said that, it must be have been upsetting for you, thank you for telling me, I will speak to him so he knows that is an unacceptable word to use. " and if the boy denied it.. the teacher should have come back to your son saying that Boy X has told me he said Puck and that you may have misheard. I have explained to him that the use of the world Paki is not acceptable and he said he is sorry you were upset and that he would never use that word. And if anything similar happens again to come to talk to them and they will do a group circle time on appropriate language and how racially offensive words are hurtful and should not be used.

Ask the school, on the balance of probabilities, given the fact that your son is of South Asian heritage, which is more likely, that a boy said a word that sounded more like Fuck and your son misheard it as Paki, or that that the boy actually said Paki and due to the nature of the interrogation, he has denied it and due to the school wanting to minimise the event, they have accepted the alternative unlikely version of events.