Police called bf arrested

[pinkmonkey123]

My boyfriend is kind and loving 90% of the time . Cooks, cleans , irons , listens to me , great dad to his kids , liked by my family .

I can be difficult - I have issues with mental health but I work full time and believe I am loving too but realise I can be hard work .

My boyfriend has a short temper and has called me names when arguing - slut/ bitch /cu*t

He apologised and as a result we decided to go to couples councilling which we had yesterday.

Last night after we got home we had a few drinks and an argument. I was cross as he admitted he has actually had cheated on his ex ! I Kept saying - now I understand why you are so kind to her ! You have disappointed me etc ! I did go abit crazy !

He stated shouting and threw things around the bedroom - furniture and then got me in a corner . I got into a ball and he was shaking me and calling me names . He didn’t beat me but I thought he might . He just kept shaking me and I think pulled me around . I kept screaming - help .

I Managed to lock myself in the bathroom . He was kicking the door down and screaming . I had my phone so said I am
Ringing 999 but I hung up.

I said he had to leave the house but he wouldn’t and he was trying to get into the bathroom and screaming .

There was a knock at the door and it was the police .
They then questioned me and I explained the situation and they arrested my partner and he is now gone .

We are engaged , have just signed a new tenancy for 1 year on a property which I would really struggle to pay alone ?
We are meant to be getting married in Feb .

I am so confused and mortified that my neighbour called the police . Also , I can’t belive my partner has been arrested? He will have to come back here as he lives here . He have no kids . I don’t know that we would hit me but I know I am scared or could happen potentially.

I don’t know what to think ? Will this wake us up ? Should I leave ? What about this tenancy? I don’t know want to wreck my credit score ? I love my partner but it has gotten out of control - I know I play a part in it too and we drink and argue . What do you think ? I’m concerned he will have thought I called the police- but I didn’t and wouldn’t have.


I am 30 and childless And before meeting my partner I was miserable . Now I am happy 90 percent

[pinkmonkey123]

I am so greatful to your response

The truth is I am 30 and had been in crap relationships . I met my partner and he was kind , thoughtful and I felt happy and I thought - I am finally going to get the marriage and baby I have dreamt of for years ! I want a child so much and I thought partner would be a brilliant father as he is so good with his kids and he pays a lot to his ex and really supports family.

The truth is that this relationship is deteriorating and we don’t bring out the best In each other and we deserve more than this - and a child can’t be brought into this situation .

I will explain to other half that this is not being the best out in either of us , we have promised before it will never happen again and we can’t stick to it -so for both our sakes it is over .

I was so happy to be in a relationship and I guess I thought 90% happiness was ok. Silly . But I guess I am just desperate for a family and I feel myself getting older . I realise I sound silly now .

I will thank neighbours when I am feeling more calm . My tenancy here is up in a month so I will not have to see neighbours again after that as I am so ashamed .

I will contact estate agents After talking to Womens aid and be honest .

I can’t tell my family as my dad or brother would kill him . I am quite an introvert so I will just keep this to myself.

The police have just come back and expressed he will be realised later today and I have asked for him not to come back . They said they will tell him I am not pressing charges and I did not call them but will advise him not to return . He does not have his key so can not get in . I will arrange to be out and he can pick his things up layer this week . The police have taken his phone , debit card and car keys so at least I know he will be ok for the next few days . Speaking to the police made me realise how serious this is .

[Meruem]

I can see what you’re doing, taking half the “blame” so you can continue in this relationship and justify staying with him. So ok, let’s say that’s the case for arguments sake. It doesn’t matter. This relationship is toxic to both of you. You are not a good match. It’s 90%/10% now but that will get worse and worse. It will dwindle down to 50/50 but you’ll still make excuses to stay because you’re happy half the time. Then when it’s more bad than good you will still make excuses for it. I know because I have been where you are. You cling on because when it’s good, it’s really good. I did have children with the guy I was with and do you know what happened? It got a million times worse. Abuse increases in pregnancy (look that up on google, it’s a well known fact). Then when a neighbour calls the police, social services get involved. I will never forgive myself that my DCs early years were tainted by domestic abuse even though they’re both adults now. I got away when they were toddlers but it was tough. So much tougher than it would be for you to walk away now. You need to think long and hard about that.

[Pinotpleasure]

I forgot to add; I think you ought to go round to your neighbour’s and thank him or her for calling the police. They saved you from a severe beating and possibly saved your life. It was the right and decent thing that they were so concerned for your welfare that they didn’t turn a blind eye and called the police.

Please don’t be embarrassed - the fault is entirely with your partner (hopefully soon to be your ex-partner). I would change the locks TBH and wouldn’t let him back in. You deserve better than this.

[Meruem]

Cross posted with you OP. You’re doing the right thing

[TurquoiseDragon]

@cherryblossomgin

Who told you that you are hard work? There is no excuse for what he did. There is no need for that type of temper. This will escalate and not beating you isn't a reason to ignore what happened. The police arrested him because of his behaviour towards you.

You need to leave and don't withdraw your statement because he is sorry and feels terrible.

OP, I can understand if you are feeling overwhelmed right now, this must be a scary situation for you.

But you do need to LTB. It will not get better, and will actually gets worse. especially if he thinks you're now trapped in the relationship.

Call the wedding off, now. Definitely don't have children with this man.

Call the landlord or agent, explain your bf has been arrested for DV and you want to cancel the tenancy.

Get some counselling, or do the Freedom Programme. Your boundaries need to be strengthened.

[SonjaMorgan]

Leave, now before he returns if you can. Pack all you can manage and if you have any shared money make sure he cannot access it. Explain to the home owner and see what can be done about the tenancy. Mention the police being called out by the neighbors as it shows the severity of the situation.

The best of luck in your future. I left an abusive relationship many years ago and my life is now what I used to dream of.

[TurquoiseDragon]

Cross post, I should check before posting.

I'm glad you're ending this. But don't assume your family won't find out. Him being arrested is now public knowledge (as your neighbours will have seen it) and they might hear on the grapevine eventually. (Would totally happen in my town.)

I'd still do the Freedom programme if I were you, before going into another relationship.

Best wishes for your future

[Jamhandprints]

Well done OP. Womens Aid will help you.

You are only 30, you do have time to find the right person. I had a baby aged 39 and honestly don't feel too old. I am much calmer and more mature at this age.

If he turns up please do ask him to leave, then call the police if he doesnt as it could escalate quickly.

[Candyfloss99]

You are only 30. You are young. You are being abused. This is your wake up call to leave him. Who cares about your credit score when you are getting away from an abusive relationship?

[AnneOfQueenSables]

If you dialled 999 and got put through before you hung up then it maybe wasn't your neighbour who rung the police. The police can come out for dropped calls and calls where the caller changes their mind.

You need to leave. Contact the landlord to discuss what will happen with the tenancy. If you've only just signed, it might have a cooling off period. It might have a clause for unforeseen circumstances. If it's a social landlord (eg HA) then they have processes in place for DV so tell them about the police arresting your partner.

It's difficult because of Covid but if you have anyone else in your bubble, tell them what happened and see if they can stay with you.

[hapagirl]

Even if he is an abusive shit “only” 10% of the time, it’s 10% too much. You say you are happy 90% of the time but are you really? Aren’t you always scared of the next assault? That’s not being in a happy relationship. Get out now. You are still young and have a chance of a life. Thankfully there are no children involved. Be happy the neighbours cared enough to call the police.

[thepeopleversuswork]

OP your priorities are very warped because this man has brainwashed you into thinking you don't deserve better than this.

"My boyfriend is kind and loving 90% of the time . Cooks, cleans , irons , listens to me , great dad to his kids , liked by my family"

None of this matters. NONE of it, if he calls you a bitch and a cunt. It's not acceptable behaviour for any reason. Ever.

The fact that you have to question why your neighbour called the police demonstrates to me how badly he has manipulated you.

Please leave now. Ask the police for help. Call Women's Aid. Do whatever you have to do. And in God's name don't have children with him.

[twilightermummy]

Never have children with this man. It doesn’t get reported a lot but many women in abusive relationships are blamed for allowing the children to be in a home where there is abuse and they are removed. It is devastating to all involved.

Additionally, I’ll echo what others have said but I feel that on this occasion you’re not going to listen. You’ve made too many excuses up not to. You can get out if a tenancy based on domestic abuse and if you’re scared of saving face to family members and friends then don’t.

By the way, I’d imagine he’s been so kind to his ex because she has things she could tell you about his behaviour.

Please leave now.

[TooManyPlatesInMotion]

Get out now. This is an abusive and dangerous relationship.

[twilightermummy]

Sorry op I didn’t see your update. Sounds like you’re going to do the right thing x

[PrettyinPink80]

Leave. It will be ok and if you don't it will get worse believe me. He probably is a nice guy and loves his kids from his previous relationship but he has anger issues. D it have children with him please. X

[OnTheBenchOfDoom]

I can’t tell my family as my dad or brother would kill him

Are you used to seeing violence as a way to deal with things? Or was this just a turn of phrase?

You could have been killed and are lucky that a neighbour phoned the police, although worryingly you see this as something that absolves you of the responsibility of phoning them yourself. His behaviour is unacceptable it doesn't matter who phoned the police.

Is he explosive with other people? His boss? Random people in the supermarket or is it just with you?

I am not saying you can fix him, you can't. I am just hoping that you see he is able to control his temper with everyone except you.

[Ernieshere]

My boyfriend is kind and loving 90% of the time

My boyfriend has a short temper and has called me names when arguing - slut/ bitch /cut*

Will this wake you both up?

Never, but it will get a whole lot worse.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

Please value yourself. You are worth kindness and love, no fear.

Your neighbour did the right thing, they acted with more concern for your welfare than your partner did.

[Soontobe60]

Women are not to blame for male violence.
Women are not to blame for male violence
Women are not to blame for male violence.

If you stay with him, you will eventually be happy 10% of the time and very unhappy 90%. He has shown his true colours. Today, you need to speak to your landlord regarding their tenancy. Find out if you can be taken off the agreement. Do not leave the property yet, do not let this man into the property - contact your local Women’s Refuge, they will be able to give you advice.
Good luck x

[Thecobwebsarewinning]

Do not let him back in the house. Leave him.

Police don’t arrest people for fun or to help out during a routine domestic. They took his behaviour seriously. You should too.

[dottiedodah]

You are being unreasonable I think .You need to think about what would have happened if your Neighbour hadnt called the police! You may be in A and E right now! No one deserves to be terrified and hiding in the bathroom FFS! Please Please take our advice on here ,and LTB a thousand times over .Something around 2 women a week are killed by DP/DH Do not become one of them.

[Thecobwebsarewinning]

Sorry, just saw your update.

You are quite right that 90% happiness is a very acceptable level for a relationship. No partner is perfect (not even me!). It’s realistic to accept that after the honeymoon period there will be flaws and niggles and compromises in a relationship. However the 10% that isn’t happy shouldn’t be fear, violence and abuse. It will be boredom, irritation or frustration, sometimes anger and even flashes of outright hate and fury sometimes but it shouldn’t be the sort of situation you described last night.

Well done on seeing that this isn’t a good relationship.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Think about the names he calls you. He could choose to call you a bastard, stupid, a moron, which are all contemptible. But he chooses to call you bitch, slut, cunt, all derogatory names which are only applicable to women.

He hates women, OP. He may hide it most of the time, but your future would, very quickly, drop from 90% happy to 50% then to 20% if you married him. Once he's got you, you're his bitch, slut, cunt and the physical abuse will start.