Police called bf arrested

[pinkmonkey123]

My boyfriend is kind and loving 90% of the time . Cooks, cleans , irons , listens to me , great dad to his kids , liked by my family .

I can be difficult - I have issues with mental health but I work full time and believe I am loving too but realise I can be hard work .

My boyfriend has a short temper and has called me names when arguing - slut/ bitch /cu*t

He apologised and as a result we decided to go to couples councilling which we had yesterday.

Last night after we got home we had a few drinks and an argument. I was cross as he admitted he has actually had cheated on his ex ! I Kept saying - now I understand why you are so kind to her ! You have disappointed me etc ! I did go abit crazy !

He stated shouting and threw things around the bedroom - furniture and then got me in a corner . I got into a ball and he was shaking me and calling me names . He didn’t beat me but I thought he might . He just kept shaking me and I think pulled me around . I kept screaming - help .

I Managed to lock myself in the bathroom . He was kicking the door down and screaming . I had my phone so said I am
Ringing 999 but I hung up.

I said he had to leave the house but he wouldn’t and he was trying to get into the bathroom and screaming .

There was a knock at the door and it was the police .
They then questioned me and I explained the situation and they arrested my partner and he is now gone .

We are engaged , have just signed a new tenancy for 1 year on a property which I would really struggle to pay alone ?
We are meant to be getting married in Feb .

I am so confused and mortified that my neighbour called the police . Also , I can’t belive my partner has been arrested? He will have to come back here as he lives here . He have no kids . I don’t know that we would hit me but I know I am scared or could happen potentially.

I don’t know what to think ? Will this wake us up ? Should I leave ? What about this tenancy? I don’t know want to wreck my credit score ? I love my partner but it has gotten out of control - I know I play a part in it too and we drink and argue . What do you think ? I’m concerned he will have thought I called the police- but I didn’t and wouldn’t have.


I am 30 and childless And before meeting my partner I was miserable . Now I am happy 90 percent

[KiposWonderbeasts]

Good luck and stay strong. You're young yet and there's plenty of time.

[Lizzyc1982]

Please call you local women’s aid or IDVA service. Staff there will talk you though your options what ever you decide to do about the relationship and the practicality issues also.

[GabsAlot]

i understand about your tanancy now

is there any way the new landlord would agree to take your bf off the new one before it starts?

[Changethetoner]

You were cowering in a ball, scared and fearful. That's not a loving relationship. End it now.

[myhobbyisouting]

Someone has made you feel you are crazy, a bit nuts, drive people barmy.

You're not that person just because someone says you are. I'd be so tempted to make a clean break as it doesn't sound like you have much to hang around for. Even your family don't sound very supportive.

Do what you've always wanted to do, at 30 you are free! Where do you want to live? What do you want to do with your life?

[Regularsizedrudy]

Ted bundy was nice 90% of the time too. You need to leave.

[tara66]

You can learn to be happy as a single person. There are many worse situations than being single. Good luck!

[RainingBatsAndFrogs]

Good for you, PinkMonkey and well done for accepting the support of the police and putting a stop to the relationship.

the police know what they are talking about, they spend far too much time being called out time and time again to the same men abusing the same women. The men do not change, their behaviour escalates. As your Ex's behaviour escalates.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, the shame is his, the neighbours will be in your side.

It sounds as if you have spent much of your life mitigating, navigating and managing violent responses.

Go to the Estate Agents and explain openly and honestly what has happened, that the police removed your ex, that you are seeking support from Women's Aid and that you need to keep your credit rating credible, so you do not want to be irresponsible and take on a flat you cannot afford on your own, and what can you do to extract yourself from the contract with as little trouble for everyone. No one would want to start a tenancy with a tenant who was honest about not now being able to pay.

You have identified your strengths very well - enjoy your independence and look out for Number One - YOU!

[CareerFuckerUpper]

Not RTFT but your neighbour may not have. If your number is on the police system at all for any reason they likely have it on file along with your address and a 999 call with no actual order for it will automatically be sent emergency grading. For precisely the reasons you called 999
This relationship is toxic. Get out.

[SunshineCake]

Why can't you believe he was arrested? He assaulted you and you called for help as well as dialling 999.

Why are you with someone who calls you a cunt? Raise the bar and get out. This is not a good relationship.

[pinkmonkey123]

I guess I have always thought I am abit crazy and hard work and that I drive people abit nuts! So I have always accepted anger / cross words especially from my parents .

I realise now that I am totally free - no kids / mortgage and I have financial independence.


My current tenancy has one month . The tenancy I signed is for 1 year and starts on Wednesday but for now I have my place for a month .
I had a credit card when I was younger and it has taken me 5 years to undo the mess I made so i was terrified of undoing the hard work by bailing on my new tenancy but the truth is that my safety is worth so much more than a credit score

I wasn’t trying to justify his behaviour- I think I was trying to explain that i do drink and I can her argumentative ( that doesn’t justify anything ) I just don’t want to act like I am miss perfect .

I am only 30 and the truth is I don’t respect this man anymore and he won’t ever respect me if I let him back .

I must say that that when I said - the police will tell him I am not pressing charges - I meant that I am not making a statement. I realise some will say I should but I just want him out of my life and gone and that’s it. If he keeps contacting me after he has taken his Iteams I would have to get a restraining order .

The police have been amazing and I am shocked how incredible they have been and how safe they have made me feel.

Thank you to every single person who has taken the time to reply to me and share their advice.

[HelenUrth]

"I can’t tell my family as my dad or brother would kill him"

Is this how your family has dealt with issues in the past? If you have grown up with violence it could well explain why you have tolerated being treated so poorly. Being exposed to violence "normalises" it, so a person then doesn't realise how bad a situation actually is.

As others have suggested, the Freedom programme would be helpful for you. Happy for you that you are realising you were in a really bad situation and you need to separate from this abusive man.
Well done your neighbour. Imagine if the police hadn't arrived ...

[loobyloo1234]

Glad to read you have already made the decision to end this relationship OP. This will get no better. Keep telling yourself, you deserve better than this and you deserve better than a toxic relationship. You're young. 30 is plenty of time to meet someone who isn't violent and who doesn't call you names

Also - you said I am so confused and mortified that my neighbour called the police - if you actually called 999 and the call connected, even for a millisecond, the chances are the police will have sent someone out to check the call if the number is linked to your address. So it may not have even been your neighbour

[AdoraBell]

Walk away. It took my mother 40 years and seven children before she left my violent father. And then he moved into her spare room because “he’s living in a hovel” that meant she didn’t actually escape until he died. They were both mid 70’s by then.

Don’t allow him to ruin the rest of your life.

[VioletSunset]

It wasn't necessarily a neighbour who rang the police. If you phone the police and then hang up they can trace the call and then send an officer out to check what's going on. People in Abusive relationships often do this as they can't let the abuser know they are on the phone.

[pinkmonkey123]

I am so sorry to hear and read this. Thank you everyone for all of your support .

[Lozz22]

I wish my neighbour had called the police when I was in that situation. I'm out now but I suffered for 4 years. Mine only happened when he was drunk but it got worse and worse each time. He thought nothing of waking me up in the early hours demanding sex and if I refused would force himself on me and in order for me to open my legs he would pinch me as hard as he could down my inner thighs. Got right in bdsm which is totally against my wishes and would order stuff and make me wear it, bought a leather whip and would thrash it into my boobs. I had to go on holiday one year with huge black bruises all over my chest. Thought that because he now didn't wake me up during the night it was my given right to have sex with him in the morning instead. I used to dread him having a drink, he couldn't just stop at 1 or 2 and everything became 10 times worse and I'd get threatened with divorce if I didn't comply. Every time I'd pray he actually meant it and I'd finally be free.

[BumbleFlump]

You don’t have kids, you are free...please do not continue a relationship with this man. He is abusive. He cheated on his ex. Cheating can be a form of abuse.

Please please do not have kids with him. You’re only 30, that’s so young! You will meet someone else who is much nicer. You have plenty of time, I had a baby at 42!

[Calphurnia]

I'm glad the Police have made you realise how serious this is.

You deserve a happy, safe life

[shesgonebatshitagain]

Perhaps you should tell your dad and brother about this lowlife abusive piece of scum.

[MintyMabel]

It’s so sad that you’d settle for 90% happy. That’s a lot of unhappiness.

Nobody is happy 100% of the time. 90% is a pretty good amount. But that's not really the point. The point is the 10% of unhappy is being subject to physical violence and whether it is 1% or 10% that's not ok.

[Grimbot]

You could have been my sister a few years ago. Boyfriend was generally ok most of the time and horribly abusive maybe about 10% of the time. She stayed because the 90% of the time felt worth it to her. Until she got pregnant and the abuse ramped up. It became worse when the baby was born and she managed to get herself out of there. I am quite sure she would not be alive if she hasn’t left. It can escalate very, very quickly. This man is abusive. It may well get worse. Even if it stays at this level it is no way to live and you deserve better.

[myhobbyisouting]

Your dad or brother won't kill him but he will kill you.

He's not a good dad to his children, he won't be a good dad to yours

He is abusing you and it won't get better, it will get worse.

He isn't loving and kind and who gives a shit if he irons? Don't most people iron? He's violent abusive and dangerous and he irons.

[GabsAlot]

im glad youre ending things but dont think any of this is your fault

the police prob came round because you hung up they do that to check usually that someone hasnt -collapsed been killed etc

not surei understand in your update you say you only hav a month left in tenancy when your op says youve got a year

[Mumtumwobble]

Please leave him now before you have a mortgage, kids and marriage. This is just the start, you can’t live your life like this. I’m pleased your neighbour called the police. Many years ago when I was about 23 I heard a huge fight from next door and at the time I didn’t call the police. It was the middle of the night and I was worried people would think I was being a drama queen and over reacting. I really wish I had though. The next morning I saw the women was full of cuts and bruises. Maybe I could have helped to stop that? Your neighbour didn’t know what was going on and they did the right thing. I will never ignore a domestic disturbance again.