Soft play situation - who is in the right?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

Two mums meet at soft play with their 8yo girls - MumA & ChildA, and MumB & ChildB.

The slot is 2.5 hours, and after 2 hours ChildA comes to the adults crying because ChildB isn't playing with her anymore. ChildB approaches the table and MumA says "ChildA is upset because she says you won't play with her." ChildB responds "Yes I just want to play on my own for a bit". MumA says it's not nice to ditch your friend. MumB says that ChildB often gets tired of company and likes to do her own thing sometimes, and she's been taught to speak up if she ever feels like having alone time.

ChildA spends the rest of the session crying while ChildB goes to play on her own. ChildA says to her at the end that she isn't a good friend, which upsets ChildB.

Who was in the right, and should either mum have done anything differently?

There’s a big difference between ditching someone because they are making you feel uncomfortable and ditching someone because you just don’t feel like being with them/want to be on your own. You don’t seem to be able to grasp that so not surprised your Dd can’t either.

I’m not sure why you started this thread as you seem convinced what she did was ok and that she should be encouraged to be unkind and rude. She’s not going to have many friends in a few years. If she’s ok with that then that’s fine. But I suspect when she’s a teenager if she carries on like this and has nobody then maybe you’ll wish you hadn’t been so rigid with this teaching of boundaries. There needs to be a balance.

it's not a matter of right or wrong . This has been a really fucking hard year for adults and 8 year olds alike so let's cut everyone a bit of slack.

You’d not have done it to your friend, told her you’d had enough of her and went and sat at the table opposite on yout own and had your coffee. Because you know it’s rude as fuck. So why teach your child it’s ok

I'm not explaining again @Bluntness100 why the situation is different with adults and children. The adult Ostia toon would be leaving to go early because they've had enough. Would you call that "rude as fuck"?

I teach her it's ok to vocalise when she wants some alone time. That's all. I honestly didn't expect so many people to get bent out of shape over this!

[quote TiersBeforeBedtime]@Mummyoflittledragon I'd say, too, that your analogy is all wrong. If Child B had also been playing with (imaginary) children C, D, and E, and they had all told Child A to go away, that would have been excluding her - and I'd have come down on Child B like a ton of bricks at that point (I suspect the OP - who sounds very sensible and level headed - would, too).

This wasn't the case, here.[/quote]
Yes I would - saying "you can't play with us all" on a play date is VERY different than saying "I'm taking myself out of the situation"

Do you vocalise when you need alone time, though? So if you got bored halfway through coffee because your friend was moaning about her life, would you say, "I'm sorry, I want to go home to be alone" or "I'm sorry, I want to drink my coffee alone for a bit"?

@Bluntness100

Tiers, I think we need to agree to disagree. I would simply not do this to someone, I would not tell someone I’d had enough of them and them go and sit at another table on my own and ignore them, and I’d not let my daughter either.

And yes if some kid did it to my daughter I’d tell her it was rude and we should leave, not let her sit there crying.

It is socially unacceptable behaviour and it’s not a good thing to teach your child is ok,

@Bluntness100 is it acceptable to pester someone to continue to spend time with you when they've said they want alone time? And to make a big drama over it?

I can't even bear to think of parents having to sit somewhere with loads of other parents for so long while their children play but I 'get' that people are used to that now.

I know this is MN and that people are always baffled that children go to soft play, but for me it's ideal. My kids are old enough to go off on their own, so if I'm alone I read my book and I'm in with a friend I have the chance to have an actual conversation

Is there any chance she could have ASD op? I ask because I think my Child B has traits.

It could potentially explain why she is getting unusually overwhelmed by others

@MerchantOfVenom

If you wouldn’t bin your own friend off for 10 / 15 / 30 minutes of alone time on a one-on-one get-together (how completely weird would that be?), then why would you encourage your child to do it?

The equivalent would be leaving a dinner early because you don't feel up to it. Which no one would argue is ok. My DD couldn't just say "right I'm leaving" instead of "right I'm playing on my own", because she's not an adult with that kind of control over her life, agenda, or ability to go to and from places.

I'm actually amazed that people are still making this comparison and not realising that it's a crap analogy

I think it's a shame that people have kept going on at OP on the thread, because I think halfway through she had reached a reasonable position - that her daughter wasn't wrong to want alone time but she did need to talk to her about it hurting other people's feelings depending on how it's done and to think about the possible consequences if other people didn't like this behaviour and so chose not to spend time with her. But, predictably, she's become more defensive with so many people criticising her, and so is becoming a bit entrenched.

I don't think the daughter was really wrong, but her approach needed some finessing - which is understandable, she's 8, she's still working on social nuance. Insisting that it was either right or wrong wasn't very helpful. I'd say the same about the other child - I can see why she was hurt but the way she dealt with it wasn't great. They both need support with their social skills - again, not surprising, they're 8 - and the fact that both mums immediately decided their child was completely in the right isn't helpful for that.

Honestly op I don’t think it is a crap analogy. We are training our kids for social life as an adult - my child B finds these things hard too but I don’t think I will do her favours if I don’t try to help her learn they won’t be perceived as ok in an adult

I do totally sympathise - know how hard it is when your child wanders off leaving another child hanging

What she actually means is, she is teaching her dd that it is OK for Mum to take her to a soft play area because that is what suits Mum, and to leave another girl feeling unsafe, uncomfortable and unhappy there, because it wasn’t her choice to be with the other girl in the soft play area in the first place and therefore it was OK to dump her when she got boring, because she never made any promises to this girl to be her friend, friendly, or play with her in the first place and therefore shouldn’t be held to any normal standards of friendship or consideration for others, as girl A was just another of many children in a soft play area to her.

Such a terrible mother taking my children to an soft play, so unsafe that I'm not psychic and didn't realise this would happen. Shame on me. I shall henceforth lock us all in the house lest the children have a small hiccup in their day.

It's like a parallel universe here sometimes.

Op went to spend time with her friend. Telling her halfway through "you're boring me now, I'm sitting over there" is not ok.
Ops child got taken along to soft play and another child there wanted to play with her. Telling her "I want to do something on my own way" in not comparable to above.

@Endofmytether2020

Why didn’t you just defuse it by taking them to get a snack, or engaging the one who felt left out in conversation or something?

DD went back into the play area, I did try to engage with ChildA but she ignored me and just sobbed and moaned about my DD to her mum

What I would say is that it sounds like you do expect your child to compromise, OP - she had to do what suited you and her younger siblings, which was why leaving wasn't an option. I do think there's a risk there that what you're teaching her isn't that she shouldn't compromise her boundaries, it's that your family and her are more important than other people, which isn't such a noble message.

Also I'm at people who think I shouldn't take my DD for days out with friends because sometimes she likes alone time. That's beyond ridiculous. Most days put she's absolutely fine. A bit like adults really, we all have off days - yet I'm assuming no one here stays indoors all the time in case they get tired going somewhere?

@MessAllOver

Do you vocalise when you need alone time, though? So if you got bored halfway through coffee because your friend was moaning about her life, would you say, "I'm sorry, I want to go home to be alone" or "I'm sorry, I want to drink my coffee alone for a bit"?

No, I was raised to always put others before myself no matter what. Which sounds great but in practice makes for a people pleasing pushover.

I'm an adult and can regulate my relationships much better than an 8yo. But if I listened to my friend talking for 2 hours then I think it would be very reasonable for me to decide if had enough.

@Onceuponatimethen

Is there any chance she could have ASD op? I ask because I think my Child B has traits.

No, she has no traits of ASD. She's not an introvert either. She just likes alone time now and then.

@SleepingStandingUp

Op went to spend time with her friend. Telling her halfway through "you're boring me now, I'm sitting over there" is not ok. Ops child got taken along to soft play and another child there wanted to play with her. Telling her "I want to do something on my own way" in not comparable to above.

It's really not. If DD had the power and ability to go home (which she doesn't as I'm there as is her DB) she may have done that. An adult has the ability to leave any situation. A child doesn't. They go with the flow.

Huh. I absolutely agree with you @GlummyMcGlummerson I was brought up with the motto "no one can make you do anything"

If she wants alone time that's absolutely fine. She wasn't there just to play with her friends she was there to have fun herself. It's not her responsibility as a child to ensure her friends are having fun.

I have no doubts your child is a absolutely lovely child. And will grow up to be someone that speaks their mind. And her peers will always know where they stand with her.

I quite like a bit of alone time every so often. Good on her for speaking up and saying so instead of being rude to her friend. And quite frankly if I were the other mother I would of just said to my child "sometimes people like to have a bit of alone time and play alone, that's okay, why don't you give it a go too?"

I think there is something to be said about teaching children to speak up. I teach my daughter every day the importance of it. You teach them this alongside manners and how to be kind. They're not hooligans who just run around only doing the nice things they want. They have just taken ownership of themselves.

Good on you OP. Great parenting. X

OP, you're really not a fan of child A, are you? She "pesters" people and causes "drama" when she should just quietly accept being ditched. Contrast that with your child being "upset" (i.e. the victim) when accused of not being a good friend.

@Hardbackwriter

I think it's a shame that people have kept going on at OP on the thread, because I think halfway through she had reached a reasonable position - that her daughter wasn't wrong to want alone time but she did need to talk to her about it hurting other people's feelings depending on how it's done and to think about the possible consequences if other people didn't like this behaviour and so chose not to spend time with her. But, predictably, she's become more defensive with so many people criticising her, and so is becoming a bit entrenched.

I don't think the daughter was really wrong, but her approach needed some finessing - which is understandable, she's 8, she's still working on social nuance. Insisting that it was either right or wrong wasn't very helpful. I'd say the same about the other child - I can see why she was hurt but the way she dealt with it wasn't great. They both need support with their social skills - again, not surprising, they're 8 - and the fact that both mums immediately decided their child was completely in the right isn't helpful for that.

Yes I'm happy to admit that I need to have further discussions with DD about the impact of being assertive. I've said it a few times. Yet a select few posters seem hell bent on painting me out to be a shot parent with a rude DD who goes round telling people to fuck off and will apparently have no friends soon. OK then. Although on the last point - I've found kids are far less eager to be friends with the whiny drama llamas than they are with the kids who break free from the group now and again. But that's just my experience as a teacher 🤷‍♀️

@MessAllOver

OP, you're really not a fan of child A, are you? She "pesters" people and causes "drama" when she should just quietly accept being ditched. Contrast that with your child being "upset" (i.e. the victim) when accused of not being a good friend.

I've already said ChildA was well within her rights to express how she felt about DD. But yes she was a pest who made a big drama and was quite rude to me at the end. I'm just stating what happened

And I don't have to be "a fan" of anybody's child