Things your ex accuses you of which make you wonder if they even have two brain cells knocking together

[NoEffingWay]

This morning's message-

Why do you only feed his m&s ready meals when I cook him home made dinners? Err, the food is from m&s BC I like the quality of the food, and most definitely do not have a microwave involved!
And why do you not have him in bed at 7.30? Is he spying through my windows?! (Ds goes to bed between 7.30-8pm but I don't mind so much at weekends or school holidays)

I don't even know if I should reply or just tell him to get fucked!

Anyone else's ex feel the need to mudsling?

Ignore-but check he hasn't got spy cameras installed.

Yes, I'd be checking for spy cams, etc around the house. Also check out your devices/PCs.

It's not spycams (unless he has broken into my new house) but rather it's asking ds (8 and not a good narrator) and refusing to speak to me directly. The fact he felt the need to email me at length this morning at 7.30 is not atypical of his behaviour. I do wish I could tell him to back off, but don't want to engage him at all.

Yes, no response is definitely the best response here (and will wind him up more than anything).

What a lot of headspace he is giving you. No need to return the favour.

I would definitely respond. The same EVERY time.

"Lol. I needed that today".

But I do like a bit of cuntyness.

My ex told everyone I married him for his money. He was a student and even in his first/second job I earned 5 times his salary.

We used to get assort if questions about toilet habits.

Where did you take them to the loo?
Who took them into the loo?
Did you clean the seat first?
Did you hold them over the seat so they didn't touch it?
Did you wash their hands?

The poor child would get the 3rd degree on all these questions and then we'd be smacked about the head with the answers.
It was so draining, we've had a lovely time and your child is fed, watered, entertained and happy - that is all.

Before we split he accused me of being on a dating site. It was LinkedIn

Mine once (we've been split for years) accused me of sleeping with my solicitor. Via a letter to my solicitor. Who was female.

Ex was so sexist he assumed that a) all solicitors are male, and b) the only way anyone would believe that I needed a divorce was a man I was sleeping with.

Tch.

"You're never here when I pick her up!"

That's because 1, its 3.30pm and 2 because I'm at work you lazy, work-shy, never-worked-in-over-a-decade-or-paid-a-penny-maintenance c*nt!

'Why have you not arranged for DD to have a lesson with young drivers over the summer?' Umm perhaps because there was a global pandemic meaning all driving lessons were suspended. She has two young drivers lessons booked for November ready for her turning 17 in January.
'How do you intend to get her independent and driving with her schedule?' She is out 7.10 to 7.20pm weekdays and has a job term time Saturdays. But you know there are driving instructors who do evenings and Sundays. I will also sit with her in the car whilst she drives too and from the station.
'Why have you not told me when you are moving and what your new address is' because I don't know when we are moving yet and you know where we are moving to as your 16 year old daughter had told you.

Oh god the list is endless, from the top of my head:

I only feed them plain pasta (cooking is one of my favourite things to do)
I never take them out of the house (100% school attendance, multiple after school activities and lovely weekends together)

And the one that confirmed he was a complete tool...

I don’t encourage them enough to support a certain football team and it’s really upsetting him I don’t follow football whatsoever.

All of the above were reported to children’s services! A social worker rang me, laughed and said she told him to stop contacting them otherwise she would be forced to take action. I can imagine him stomping his feet like a toddler when she said that to him, bloody idiot.

Mine lies to other people about me he told his ex my car was smashed up i thought it was her and I was going to batter her they then split up he said we got back together and I was beating HIM up

My car isn't smashed up i would never get back with him EVER and I've never hit anyone in my life

Its fucking baffling

Dhs ex wanted money for food & bills after he’d kicked her out and she was living with the om.

I’m not sure she understood the basic rules of relationships tbh.

Mine emailed me after he got arrested for attacking his ex saying we will get through this together I just need your support right now and believe in me it will all get better xxxx

My response are you on drugs? Its been 6 years since we split up i dont want you sending me fucking kisses get your family to support you i let you see the kids as long as its safe for them I dont care about you stop breaking the law

he was more than aware the police had his phone with access to his emails and was setting up a defence of she made up the assault because she was jealous of me and my baby mama im not sure if the police fell for that defence but they dropped the charges (again)

Oh where do I begin!

The two year olds shoes on the wrong feet. Yes, she did it herself and she’s been sat in the car. It’s fine.

I haven’t brushed their hair (I have, but they’re kids and their hair is a mess because of all the roly polys and jumping around they do constantly)

He has a stain on his T-shirt. Yep, they’re kids. And messy. Stains happen.

These are all both absurd and reassuring.
I think it may have stemmed from ds and I sharing a dine in for £10 meal last week (kept the wine for myself!). I am the worst parent alive y'know.

My exH & ex MIL accused me of leaving him destitute. I left him because I was working more and more hours and still couldn't pay for food after all of the presents he was constantly buying himself.
He never paid a penny in maintenance either.

This and, other attacks on my character, was on DS1's 18th birthday 12.5 years after I left. After I had carried on delivering DS to ex PILs with a smile whenever they wanted to see him. I was under the illusion we had a good relationship until then.

Before we split he accused me of being on a dating site. It was LinkedIn is the funniest thing Ive read in a long time!

Exh to judge i had brought my bf of the week to court. .
He was my dh and we had a dc..
*court still going 4 years post split...
Reported me to hmrc for benefit fraud as I was living beyond my means. I had spent a fortune on jewellery and a car.
A Pandora bracelet for my 40th gifted and a car my dm bought me as he kept our decent one and mime went bang.
Contradiction of his accusations I was on the game when the benefit fraud inspector came out... She laughed at his claims.
Bonkers.
And he wonders why he lives alone. Dc went nc. Sick of his lies and accusations of me.

He told the DC that I am cruel to the cat and kick it. This would be the cat that initially stayed with him, but he sent to live with me after a year. Pretty odd decision to give it to an apparent animal abuser.

My Dsis ex has some good ones. They had two cars, and got one each when they split up. He hates driving, so got himself a new girlfriend to drive him around, and sold his. When the GF dumped him, he couldn't get around any more. He told DNs that he couldn't travel anywhere because "mummy stole his car when they got divorced"

These are all both absurd and reassuring.
I think it may have stemmed from ds and I sharing a dine in for £10 meal last week (kept the wine for myself!). I am the worst parent alive y'know.

Imagine not sharing your wine. I'd tell my Dad if my Mum didn't share too

As for me, the funniest is telling everyone including friends of mine I refuse to let him see DD. They've seen the messages from him. His friends know him and know it has always been his choice. I'm not going to beg, it's easier for me and better for DD not to see him.

Also he's taking me to court. 9 years and still waiting...

Oh yeah the endless ‘I’m taking you to court’
Okee dokee -the one and only time we went to court he didn’t turn up

Actually the saddest realisation was one christmas after we split when he didn’t know what Christmas Eve routines and traditions we had
Eldest was 12 ish at the time
He didn’t know because he spent every single Christmas Eve in the pub getting drunk

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

Before we split he accused me of being on a dating site. It was LinkedIn is the funniest thing Ive read in a long time!

I’m glad I can amuse you😂 he really is a dumbass.

Apparently, I'm brainwashing the DC because they use general phrases that I do.

Well, they live with me, so it's highly likely they'll pick up my turns of phrase.

Same bloke who accused me of having an affair as soon as I left him. Well, I knew he'd say that because he'd never in a million years accept I left him because he's abusive.

It's 7.34 and Ds is just getting into his pj's now....I might let him stay up until 8pm. Shhhhh, don't tell ex-h or he'll be reporting me to social services