How useful was your birth partner?

[NimbleKimble]

After reading a different thread it got me thinking.

DH was there and was fine but honestly he couldn’t have really done much else other than stand there, tell me it was going to be ok etc etc. But then I don’t know if I could have done it alone. However, even when it became clear I needed an EMCS, DH’s part was just to tell me it would be ok.

I sort of (and only a tiny bit!) feel sorry for birth partners because there really isn’t much they can do, they just get to watch and I think I would find that really hard. At least it was happening to me and I could feel and know how my body was feeling, if that makes sense.

So how useful was your birth partner? For those who had someone who had given birth themselves was that more helpful? Or did they too just stand like an extra piece with supportive words

DH was amazing both times.

With my first I ended up with complications after the baby was born and he sat in a quiet room with our son for 2 hours while they sorted me out in theatre.

I had a lovely, male midwife for my second. He kept telling OH "you should touch your wife" which caused me to comment that "this is how we got here in the first place - never touch me again"

The midwife got extra points for waiting until after my baby was born to telll me that this was the first time he had ever delivered a baby without someone supervising!

About this much.

Dh was crap the first time. Kept taking selfies and trying to lighten the mood as I went of for my first section. The last operation I had until that moment was my tonsils removed when younger. I was bricking it.

The second time, he advocated for me. Told the anaesthetist when I was feeling sick (I couldn't get my words out so he had his head perched next to my mouth)so they could do something before I passed out as my bp had gotten low. He took care of ds straight after the section so I could eat, sleep and rest. He made sure to ask for painkillers for me every four hours and woke me up so I could take them, I would promptly fall asleep again so was happy. He also went and got me fish and chips for my tea. He wasn't allowed to spend the night but gave me a shower the next day as I couldn't bend and helped me get dressed. He was everything I needed him to be but we did talk about how rubbish he was the first time around so he was well versed the second time.

Fell asleep on the birthing beanbag while I was majorly contracting. Called my mum to come and join him after a few hours so he could go to the canteen. Brought curry back to the delivery room and made me vomit with the smell. I hate indian curry smells.

And finally, announced DD was a boy.

I had hellp syndrome and spent 19.5hrs in labour most of it on my back which was a million miles away from my home birth plan. My dh and mum were by my side the whole time and they did their best they were very good tbf.

No help at all. But then I tend to go into myself a bit under pressure, and I didn't have any complications. Maybe if something had been going wrong he would have stepped up and spoken for me, I don't know. But I would have managed just as well on my own.

Mine was ace. Stayed up with me through a night of contractions every three minutes in the hospital bath and stood up for when staff tried to get my consent for a cesarean while I was away with the fairies from fatigue and gas and air. Then looked after the babies for the night while I collapsed into sleep.

It was just his presence that made the difference.

With dc2 last year, I was in hosp when my waters broke around midnight - when the pain got really bad I just wanted him to be there. I was allowed to ring him to come back in around 2am.

In the delivery suite he tried to put a loving hand on my back, to which I shouted 'dont touch me' because I didnt need the extra pressure of a gentle hand on my body when I was already under so much pressure 😂. I didnt want him to do anything, I just wanted him to be there.

I had really bad nausea after both births though so he had to give both babies their first bottle until the injection I had to stop the nausea kicked in.

It was actually bizarrely one of the times XP was any use! He was quite good. He got all angry when they said the birth pool wasn't working and insisted on having a look himself - somehow fixed it so I could go in. I reckon DH would have been too polite!

My mum was good as well. Very calming. And DH was great even though he didn't shout at any medical professionals for me :o

Meh DH wasn’t great to be honest he made me more anxious if anything, he did he best though considering he almost fainted at my ultrasound!

I couldn’t have done it without him purely because my midwife just left me to think that I was dying- there was no reassurance whatsoever (long back to back labour). So at least he was able to push for my epidural etc.

I think I’d prefer a call the midwife situation, where you have a midwife the whole way through who is 100% there for you and actually supports you and knows what they’re doing!

"I think I’d prefer a call the midwife situation, where you have a midwife the whole way through who is 100% there for you and actually supports you and knows what they’re doing!"

That's what you get with a home birth, you even get a second midwife at the end

And if in hospital a doula isn't a replacement for a midwife but would do what you describe.

@NameChange30

"I think I’d prefer a call the midwife situation, where you have a midwife the whole way through who is 100% there for you and actually supports you and knows what they’re doing!"

That's what you get with a home birth, you even get a second midwife at the end

And if in hospital a doula isn't a replacement for a midwife but would do what you describe.

A home birth sounds so tempting. I would love one for my second, but my first birth was quite complicated (long back to back- drip, cord round her neck etc.) so I doubt they would let me.

I can see why people pay doulas! I don’t think it’s easy at all for the average person to cope with a situation like that and automatically be a good birth partner. I know I’d probably struggle!

ExH was ok until the poor lamb felt a bit tired when I was crowning and had to sit down with a sandwich 🤦🏼‍♀️.
I was birthing partner for my friend, the best experience ever. I like to think I was more helpful! I think it’s about anticipating need isn’t it - Brow mopping, holding up legs, encouraging words, constant water top ups etc!

He was very good at attracting medical help when I haemorrhaged and the baby’s heart stopped.

He annoyed the f*ck out of me in the initial stages and told me to push when I knew I wasn’t supposed to...but when it all got a bit scary and the red button got pushed and the room got flooded with doctors he was absolutely brilliant and I don’t honestly know if I could have got through it without him. It broke my heart a little that I couldn’t be with the baby for a good few hours after he was born, but I know DH looked after the bubs perfectly whilst I was in theatre and has been a great (and very hands on) dad ever since. In a lot of ways- I do think it was harder for him. I think he was very scared (I only realised that later, he seemed very calm to me) whereas I was in too much pain to really understand what was going on.

Bike - same. If DH hadn't sprinted down the hall yelling for help and physically dragged the first person he found in to see the blood everywhere, DS1 and I might not have made it.

It's a bit like having an airplane co-pilot. If nothing happens, they seem useless or even possibly a bit annoying, but if an emergency happens they are extremely necessary!

DH was utterly useless. Even complained that his hand hurt when I asked him to rub my back 🙄

Useless. He only arrived 10 minutes before the baby. He was slightly better second time around

Well he did humour me when he first came into delivery and I was giddy on gas and air saying "DH, DH, listen" big puff of gas and air Darth Vader voice "I am your father" giggle

He also didn't moan when I was vice like gripping his hand and shirt during contractions. Then I had an epidural so he nipped back home to get some sleep (we're 5 mins from hospital) and I tried to sleep. MIL stayed with me and got me a sick bowl, she also kept an eye on the monitor being an ex midwife.

When morning came and it was crunch time there wasn't much he could do but was very supportive, encouraging and calming when it was clear forceps were needed and that was my number one worry.

I had the midwife by my side too as it was a consultant with the forceps. She also very encouraging and telling me when to push.

My mum was also there but with the room pretty full and hectic she decided to keep out of the way bless her. She's quite a practical woman, would have thought it was best and wouldn't mind though.

@LionMummyRoar and @Xiaoxiong - I hope you and your babies were ok in the end.

@BikeRunSki - thanks, he's now a strapping almost 9 year old. Hope your story and @LionMummyRoar had a similar happy ending

My OH was pretty useless. He really isn’t good with hospitals. Thankfully I had the most amazing student doctor with me for a lot of the time, who I consider to have been more of my birth partner than my OH!!

@Xiaoxiong, mine is similar, and she was 9 last week.

Thanks @bikerunski - DS was just a bit big and got a bit stuck, he was grand once he made it out. I just needed some extra medical care. Hope you and yours were okay? That sounds very scary.

@Xiaoxiong - Co-pilot - that’s exactly it!

Mine was useless. Unsupportive and critical. Complained that I gave birth at 00.55am and they didn't get to bed until 2am; complained that they weren't offered tea and toast when I was when they were also still up and hadn't eaten for hours either; and the only comment made post birth was to tell me I had no dignity left after they'd seen that.