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Original poster

How useful was your birth partner?

104 replies

NimbleKimble · 19/10/2020 20:40

After reading a different thread it got me thinking.

DH was there and was fine but honestly he couldn’t have really done much else other than stand there, tell me it was going to be ok etc etc. But then I don’t know if I could have done it alone. However, even when it became clear I needed an EMCS, DH’s part was just to tell me it would be ok.

I sort of (and only a tiny bit!) feel sorry for birth partners because there really isn’t much they can do, they just get to watch and I think I would find that really hard. At least it was happening to me and I could feel and know how my body was feeling, if that makes sense.

So how useful was your birth partner? For those who had someone who had given birth themselves was that more helpful? Or did they too just stand like an extra piece with supportive words

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 19/10/2020 23:54

🚲 🐟

Ruthietuthie · 19/10/2020 23:55

He was fantastic, and this was surprising as he isn't good with medical things.
He was there every second of my incredibly painful labor, helping me to count through each contraction. When things went very wrong, he looked after our son while I was unconscious. In the days after, when I was still very unwell, he did everything. The only thing I could do was nurse, but he was holding the baby to my breast, helping me to pump, then feeding him with a tiny syringe when I couldn't get the baby to latch. I don't know what I would have done without him.

MsEllany · 20/10/2020 00:02

First pregnancy - couldn't really do much, I was induced, had an epidural the second I could, slept more than him then gave birth. I was in labour for a day at least. He held my hand and said the right stuff. I did wake up at some point and tell him he'd better not be sleeping!

Second pregnancy - went into labour and would have had DS3 very quickly but I wanted diamorphine. When he got there (dropping other kids off at nursery) at some point I was bouncing on a ball supping on gas and air, and he was rubbing my back. At the top . I remember looking at him and thinking I'd possibly have to kill him if he didn't stop doing that IT'S AT THE BASE OF MY SPINE YOU IDIOT!

PS this was the birth of his 4th child, and he'd been present at all of them! I did let him off once the baby was born

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Greenhairbrush · 20/10/2020 00:03

He was alright. He was company. Although in his defence there really wasn’t much he could do. I was nil by mouth and induced so stuck to a monitor.
He’s been useful since by filling in my very hazy memory of birth. And he was an amazing support when I was struggling with a newborn and verging on becoming depressed.

stayathomer · 20/10/2020 00:14

Was spot on every time. Sealed my faith in how great he was (weird saying this now as we've just been arguing:(

BettySweaty · 20/10/2020 08:09

My ex h. Sat in the chair and tried to get some sleep for ds1. Midwife told him I wasn't in labour. Couple of hours later, ds1 born. Rubbish experience all round.

mindutopia · 20/10/2020 10:16

I supposed dh was ''useful' in that he did exactly what I needed him to do, which was mostly just to stay out of my way. Both of mine have been born at home though, so he spent most of my labours pottering about the house just getting organised or with 2nd one, taking care of dd. I only really wanted him around at the end. With my first, he did help support me so I could stand while I pushed, and then he did lots of clean up. With the 2nd though, he was downstairs until about 50 minutes before he was born (because I'd rather be alone), and then I didn't really need any help, so he just sat there as he couldn't really just leave but there wasn't anything for him to do. Bless him. He was good at bringing snacks and drinks as requested though.

pincertoe · 20/10/2020 13:31

Mine was great and giving me gas and air tube then immediately swapping to water as it made me thirsty. My dh isn't the greatest when I'm ill but during both labours he was great.

dublingirl66 · 20/10/2020 13:37

Awful - he went through my emails on my phone and saw an email to myself with dates of all the times he attacked me
So he started a fight with me just after my DD arrived

He told me how badly I smelt and wheeled me to a shower and laughed that I could barely move

He was the worse !!!

My lil girl is an absolute dream so def looking at all the positive now

At the time I wanted to close myself away and never come out

VinylDetective · 20/10/2020 13:39

The most I can say is that he was in the room.

ahhanotheryear · 20/10/2020 13:41

In the first labour demanded the doctor and c section, exactly the right call.
Second labour, told me firmly to try the gas and air and to trust the midwives that it would be ok and the vbac would happen. He had quietly cross questioned them to make sure I wasn't labouring for nothing and he knew I didnt trust the midwives after birth number 1. Held the baby and told the midwives not to worry after she was born and I didnt want to hold her, I just needed a bit if time . So very good, he's crap with toddlers though.

WankPuffins · 20/10/2020 13:41

My husband was utter shit at my elective section. Made it all about him during the wait for theatre (“I’m tired” “I’m hungry” “I look stupid in scrubs”). He was no help with my anxiety, no help when the spinal was being fucked up and I was begging them to stop for a second and get the senior dr the promised me for it . He said I was doing the NHS a favour by allowing them to practice on me, I’ll never forgive him for that.

I had another baby 8 weeks ago and I had a private midwife for this pregnancy - she came to the section instead of my husband. She was fucking amazing and stood my corner on everything and was just generally calming and wonderful.

(In non covid times they could have both been there - my husband would have been a dead weight again though, but at least he can now tell everyone he couldn’t be there as well because of covid restrictions. Everyone feels sorry for the twat, but I didn’t want him there being useless again).

WankPuffins · 20/10/2020 13:46

Hope I don’t get jumped on for saying I didn’t want him there for the second birth - he didn’t miss out. When Dd was born he was a prick about it, said he didn’t feel anything when she was born, so it’s not like I robbed him of any great experience with the second child (no matter the covid sob story he gives to other people, he wa fine with not being there).

Bettina500 · 20/10/2020 13:53

No use at all apart from sticking the tens machine pads on my back and calling labour ward for me.
But to be fair they can't do a lot. I had short intense labours so didn't need food and drink, and I didn't want to be rubbed, touched or spoken to. I wouldn't have noticed if he wasn't there in all honesty.

Hardbackwriter · 20/10/2020 13:54

When Dd was born he was a prick about it, said he didn’t feel anything when she was born, so it’s not like I robbed him of any great experience with the second child (no matter the covid sob story he gives to other people, he wa fine with not being there).

Did that not give you a bit of... pause about having another child with him at all? From your description of his behaviour I wouldn't want to continue living with him, let alone reproduce with him again!

WankPuffins · 20/10/2020 13:58

@Hardbackwriter he’s actually quite a good father. He’d always been excellent with my son from my first marriage. It would have been very different if I hadn’t have experienced their relationship for five years prior to Dd arriving. He just didn’t have that all encompassing rush of love like other men do. So he didn’t miss out not being at the birth - he bonds with them afterwards. It really did piss me off at the time a bit though, I wanted the whole film ending, dad crying at how wonderful it was thing.

Fucks me off no end though that he’s blaming covid for not being able to be there too.

thewalrus · 20/10/2020 14:32

DD 1, wouldn't say useful exactly, but supportive and encouraging. I'm glad he was there but I was in my own world to an extent.
DTwins, planned c section. He held and tried to soothe DT1 while they got DT2 out and held both so I could see them while I was being sewn up so he had more.of a useful role.
There was a good chance the twins were going to be premature at one stage when DH was working away and our plan was for my DSis to come with me. Glad it never came.to it though...

NoToast · 20/10/2020 14:36

Turned up pissed, had an argument with the midwives through the intercom, did fuck all and then slept in my bed most of the day afterwards while I sat in the chair.

He's an ex....

SqidgeBum · 20/10/2020 14:55

@WankPuffins and to think I was pissed at my DH because he decided he was the tired one after I had a 52 hour labour with no pain relief. I had to send him home 2 hours after DD was born because he was like a child in a foul humour and I was embarrassed at how he was acting. Admittedly, he was great during the labour. Just awful once DD had arrived. He has been told if he says one word about being tired next time around (due in 2 weeks) I will tell everyone he knows that he was a twat.

Sorry, but your DH sounds horrendous. How can someone be that thoughtless?

edwinbear · 20/10/2020 15:29

DH was so useless I told him not to bother when I had DC2. I had to ask him to put his book down when I was 8cm and things started going a bit wrong.

Things went much smoother when I had DC2 and he stayed at home with DC1 which says it all really.

OhioOhioOhio · 20/10/2020 15:30

He got worse each birth and then I divorced him.

Thuglife · 20/10/2020 16:34

First time, traumatic stillbirth, he was fantastic.
Second time, having Dd he was fucking useless. Moaned constantly about being tired,hungry blah blah. He used the gas& air every time the midwife was out the room and complained that it was making his balls hurt when Dd was crowning . Twat

Augustbaby1990 · 20/10/2020 16:41

Before I gave birth I was back and forth on who I wanted. My DP was the first one to cry because he hated seeing me in pain. But he was so helpful, he rubbed oils on my leg where DS was sat in a nerve, he brought me water god knows how many times and was their for me. I couldn't have got through it without him and would definitely have him for the next birth.

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 20/10/2020 16:41

Absolutely crucial.
He massaged my back for nearly 4 hours straight!
It turned out dd had been back to back.
I couldn't have done it without him. Just being there , the moral support, physical help...

happymummy12345 · 20/10/2020 16:50

Mine was my husband. Overall he was great, he cut the cord and seeing him sit cuddling our baby is still one of the best things I've ever seen, the look of love and pride on his face was wonderful.
But he wasn't perfect. I had a long labour, 4 days and nights of contractions as the head wasn't engaged. I was physically exhausted by the time I was in the birth centre. He kept nodding off in the chair and said he was tired because he'd been awake off and on throughout the previous few nights. How on earth did he think I felt? I was having the contractions from the Tuesday afternoon until I gave birth in the early hours of the Saturday morning. Also he kept 'nipping out for some fresh air'. Meaning he went for a cigarette. I'd had a pethadine injection so I could rest before having to deliver, which I needed. He said I was asleep so it didn't matter he wasn't there. What should he have done, sat there while I was asleep? As though I was having the most peaceful rest ever. I was still having contractions and was hardly nice and comfy enjoying a lovely sleep for a couple of hours.

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