How useful was your birth partner?

[NimbleKimble]

After reading a different thread it got me thinking.

DH was there and was fine but honestly he couldn’t have really done much else other than stand there, tell me it was going to be ok etc etc. But then I don’t know if I could have done it alone. However, even when it became clear I needed an EMCS, DH’s part was just to tell me it would be ok.

I sort of (and only a tiny bit!) feel sorry for birth partners because there really isn’t much they can do, they just get to watch and I think I would find that really hard. At least it was happening to me and I could feel and know how my body was feeling, if that makes sense.

So how useful was your birth partner? For those who had someone who had given birth themselves was that more helpful? Or did they too just stand like an extra piece with supportive words

DH was pretty useless (Sorry DH)
Doula was excellent

It's only a relatively recent thing for fathers to be present at the birth. Historically women have always been supported by other women who have given birth. Tbh I think that makes more sense.

Of course some men can be wonderful birth partners but sadly I think the focus has shifted too much towards a man's right to witness the birth of his child and away from a birthing mother's right to have the best possible support.

For dc1, I think the same as you. I too felt a little bit sorry for him because there wasn't much he actually could do, when I know he'd have done anything to take away the pain. From an emotional and bonding pov though, it was crucial that he was there. We went through it together even tho I had all the pain.

dc3 OTOH, it was pretty crucial, as he caught her, as there was no midwife in the room.

He sampled the gas and air then settled in to read the Financial Times, only putting it down to hold newly born DS and I thought, give DS back, I worked very hard to get him here and I want my cuddle first thanks

DH missed DD1s birth, he made an entrance at the same time the placenta did. I had a lovely midwife with me through out and tbh I didn’t mind him not being there.

With DD2 he sat on a chair and looked terrified. Whenever he touched me I told him to piss off.

With DS, the labour was ridiculously quick and by far the worst, he was really good. I wanted to avoid being on a bed on my back strapped to monitors and he made sure I had my compfy spot on the floor leaning onto a birth ball even where they were wanting me to move.

I was my sisters birth partner 2 years ago,I was thrilled to be asked. At the first birthday party she got really emotional talking about how great I was. Apparently feeding her cereal bars and repeating to her what was happening several times as if she was simple really helped.

He was great. Mostly because I’m a midwife and he was aware of all the shit things I’ve seen birth partners do 😂

I did insist he tried to have a bit of a sleep once my epidural was in as we were both shattered. And I sent him off to get breakfast in the morning. I haven’t quite forgiven him for not thinking my favourite breakfast which I used to treat myself to weekly (greasy hospital canteen fry up) was the best thing ever, especially when I couldn’t eat it!

Great.

Probably stop harm coming to myself and our child due to the initial midwife and doctor on duty not believing anything I said.

Hmmm.
1st C section he was a bit green so kept v quiet.
SCBU came in as ds born blue and he didn;t tell me what was happening.
2nd C section he passed out, so big fuss over him whilst I was
'aving a baaaaby'.
So, not great really?

Yes, historically, it would have been other women supporting women - probably better all around.

Fantastic. You're right, it must be hard for them because there isn't much for them to do and they must feel so helpless! My dh was there to repeatedly massage my lower back the way the midwife had..it got to the point where I just grabbed his hand, put it to my back and said "do it" because I could barely speak! It was a bank holiday so the hospital cafe was shut and the chair wasn't very comfy to sleep on so I really felt for him with little food (just the snacks we brought) and little rest. He sprayed me during labour and fetched snacks and drinks with water, then afterwards watched ds whilst I had a shower (read: almost fainted whilst sat on the floor in the bathroom due to blood loss). Would not have coped afterwards trying to see to ds if he wasn't there because despite hoardes of people being in the room immediately after he was born to revive him, there was no-one around for an hour or so after.

DH was great for both births. First one was more good cop bad cop when I was convinced I couldn't do it, said you're nearly there about a million times and was generally supportive, plus distracted me from pushing when I was in the lift.

2nd time he kept me from getting too bored in the early stages of induction, fetched a midwife when I was suddenly getting somewhere during shift changed. Kept my arm still for the midwife to get a canular in after I'd ripped out the first attempt during a contraction, and made damn sure I didn't rip the second one thrashing around.

He's a vet so had done many births before, was still commenting on how difficult the bipedal pelvis makes things even for easy births... Not squeamish which very much helps.

Also carried all the stuff, held the babies while I got a post birth shower (plus stitching etc).

I'd be totally useless as a birth partner, even though I've done giving birth twice. Would not be volunteering!

Yeah he was alright I suppose. Could have done it without him though really. Didn’t need anything in labour like drinks or fans or wet flannels, the midwives did the coaching and told me what to do - they were amazing.
Dh drove me, carried bags, held my hand until i told him I didn’t like him holding my hand and I didn't need him asking me how I was, how did he think I was?!
I just felt like he was a bit of a spare part but I did want him to be there to witness the births of his dc and he held them when I went off for the post birth showers/baths.

As useful as chocolate teapot. Had the cheek to roll his eyes at me.
So glad my mum was also there. She was amazing.

I didn’t really have a “birth partner” I mean DH was around but he wasn’t a birth partner. He was just living life vaguely normally whilst I did the giving birth thing. What makes someone into a “birth partner” rather than just someone in proximity to you when you are giving birth?

Not great :-/ but it was a very long and generally rubbish experience all round. I don’t know how much good I’d be as a birth partner tbh (I once accompanied my sister when she was in for day surgery and I fainted so wasn’t a great deal of use as a ‘responsible adult’!) so perhaps I shouldn’t judge. If I ever have another I think I’d like a doula.

With our 1st he was amazing for the 1st 20 hours not so much for the next 30 hours and even less so in the last 3 hours.

With out 2nd he missed it as did the midwife AND the doctor she was born 9 minutes after my 1st pain and was born with a porter and student midwife, I spent 9 minutes calming them down telling them I was fine and I my doing what my body is telling me.
3rd was my sister and she was just reading the list on a poster of things for birth partners to do my She was unless but she was going on holiday that morning and wanted to see a birth as part of her bucket list.

Dh was helpful both times (2 x emcs). With dc1, not sure they would have picked up on my fever when they did if he hadn't pushed it. With dc2, they wouldn't have got the spinal in if he hadn't shoved me down (I thought I wanted a GA for my second section due to my experience with dc1). He was even more amazing after dc1's arrival when I developed postpartum psychosis.

Excellent. Kept me fed, watered, hot packs, massaged back, stroked my hair during transition (to the extent when he had to leave for a wee, the midwife had to carry on for him), encouraged, supported me, talking me through the hypnobirthing breathing. Dealt with anything I didn't have energy or will to deal with, like talking to medics. Very calm.

He made me feel safe.

Asked important questions I forgot to ask.

Called an ambulance for me despite the labour ward telling him not to.

Found someone to look after our oldest then raced to hospital with our new daughter.

Called my family to say “Get here now she’s very poorly.”

Held our babies until I was ready to hold them.

Cut the cord.

Chatted with the midwife so that I could zone out peacefully.

I imagine he mopped my brow and gave me drinks too - I’m not very conscious in labour.

I was grateful to have him there every time.

ExH was very useful for giving lower back massages.

Mine went to sleep as “there’s no point both of us being up all night” and then watched the TV or played with his phone during the day. He could have dropped me off at the front door Of the hospital and I would have been fine.

He was alright, supportive and everything but spent the entire of my labours stress eating. I have distinct memories of him masticating away while I was having contractions. He was as involved as he needed to be and as distant as I needed him to be.

The midwives were amazing though, calm, caring, quietly chatting to my husband or each other and doing paperwork and letting me just get on with it. I’d my husband hadn’t been there I’d have managed fine but the midwives were the real heroines.

Great - and while I obviously still would have given birth without him there, so could have done it without him, I'm reasonably certain that if he hadn't a (very uncharacteristic) scene about them needing to listen to me when I was saying that I was in established labour and that in fact I needed to push I would have given birth in the triage room with the cubicle curtains open. So I was pretty glad he was there.

Mine was useless for the first couple of hours. I couldn’t lie down or sit down though, kept pacing around the room whilst he ate his breakfast (arsehole).
Then I thought I couldn’t take it any more, the standing, the contractions, all of it, and he really helped me. He held me every time a contraction started. A big squeezy bear hug. It sounds ridiculous but it really helped.

DH didn't do anything wrong but I could easily have done it alone with just the midwife.

First time was all through the night so he slept on the chair. Then they knocked me out with painkillers for a while as I was exhausted so he just read his book for the most part.

Second time I was at home for a lot longer and he just left me to it upstairs, then when we went to hospital he read his book again until it was action stations.

He did help me to use the gas and air because I was getting agitated and was exhaling into the tube instead of inhaling

Surprisingly good. He's incredibly squeamish so I thought he might just freak out but he stayed at my head end, passed me water, held the fan in just the right place and did exactly what he was told. He left while I had my epidural put in with DS2, but managed ok with everything else that went on. And then went and got me a sausage sandwich from the canteen afterwards.

Dh was great. I'm so glad he was there. Ds2 was there for bits of the beginning with ds3 and ds's 3 and 4 were there for the beginning with ds5. Ds3 was great too, kept telling me not to worry, bless him.