You have the first three years not to screw your children up, time out is damaging, and so is leaving little ones to cry it out

[Lardlizard]

Hwre

Totally agree with this guy

Agree with everything you say @Mogtheforgetfulmum - lots of the things that are considered ‘normal’ parenting techniques seem cruel and cold to me.

Cry it out, naughty step, ignoring a distressed child ‘because they only want attention’ and that’s before the discussion turns to ‘smacking’ aka hitting a small and defenceless child.

Sorry you have some painful memories from these years, I think I may carry some of that kind of damage around too.

Personally I think being told to time when you feed the baby’s is standard advice
And advised way to early

Constantly being advised to avoid a rod for your own back in a million ways such as leavjng Abbas to cry is advised a hell of a lot and often form health professionals about very young babies

Time outs is also standard

I think it is true allow your gut feelings to tell you what to do

I think you can't go wrong with making a child feel loved and safe. I don't agree with time out, naughty step etc. I prefer clear consequences to bad behaviour. My husband is the type who'll be like "right, I'm throwing your tablet away" it annoys me so much because he just jumps to that rather than solving the issue or talking about it...which is more time consuming and challenging. I think time out and naughty step is a bit like that and doesn't get to the root of the problem, but is an easy go to for the parent.

Katie totally agree

I used controlled crying with my now 12 year old after I nearly crashed my car from total catatonic exhaustion when he was nearly 2 years old - it literally saved my sanity and my health. We have an incredibly strong relationship and he doesn’t remember it at all funnily enough .

Discipline and boundaries have completely vanished in many households nowadays - I’m a teacher and see firsthand the consequences of parenting today. And no I didn’t do naughty step or smacking but my boys no right from wrong and how to behave.

Know not no

Sorry OP but I just think what he is talking about IS common sense. So kids need love and stability to flourish ... lovely if you are able to supply that. I bet that most children will experience some kind of "hardship" while growing up and love & stability will be in short supply. And you know what, I don't think it's that bad! It teaches them about life and resilience.

Here he tou can see how the interviewer starts out a bit prickly, but ten mins later is visibly calmer for the chat !
He also says there’s things he wishes he could turn back time and do differently, so he’s certainly not trying. To pressurise people my o be perfect
Just trying to get others to benefit from the benefit of his experiences

I totally agree with you OP. Gabor mate is a huge influence in my life and helped me to make sense of my childhood and hopefully do better for my dc

I don't know what sort of human I'm preparing for the bigger world but DH and I have agreed with no sleep training (letting him cry to sleep) nor do we agree with the naughty step. We discipline him by talking, removing him from confrontation, distracting him with something else to avoid tantrums. I still bf my DS at 18 months and let him climb to feed whenever he wants. I've been very careful with routine and have stuck with it since he was 6 weeks. I spend all day with him (I'm a sahm) and I show plenty of love and attention to him. We have a happy chap although he his very high needs but we do anything to stop him from crying. When I mean stop him from crying not necessarily by spoiling him but by comforting him and showing love. He is hardwork but love conquers all and most importantly, we never argue with DH in front of him. I was brought up in a toxic family and still it affects me to this day.

This is a interesting thread @Lardlizard as I was discussing with a friend the other day where my cousin has a full time nanny that sleeps over at her house. Since my cousins baby was born, my cousin would leave the baby with the nanny and she will go off on her mini city breaks away, dinner dates with her husband where she will miss her sons bath time and bedtimes and also my cousin would generally would spend time with her friends out drinking and doing all sorts of activities that a single child free person would do. Me on the other hand, we can afford a nanny however I refuse it because I believe I should be the one taking care of my DS. I do everything with him but also putting his needs firsts such as being at home during nap times and ensuring we are home way before bedtime. I'm sure my cousin loves her child dearly however I feel like her lifestyle avoids inconveniences a child would bring. This isn't about jealousy or anything as I said I can have a nanny if I want to but I would rather spend my time with my DS than be out drinking with friends as I can't bring back the time when DS was little and no friendship can ever beat the time I spend with my DS. Ok I do miss the free time sometimes and I can understand occasionally parents go off to do adult things once in a while, however, to leave you baby with the nanny all the time so you could live like you used to before having a baby is a strange imo. Each to their own I guess.

My ma’s generation were left in a pram all day at the bottom of the garden. I reckon only some of them are emotionally damaged. My DM is lovely. Seriously though, I always find people that get evangelical about parenting ‘styles’ and doing things a certain way have very young kids. I doubt they know what’s going to hit them in the teen years and beyond. I find it weird that people get so fixated on sleep. My generation were largely left to CIO and yet some parents I know go on and on about cio as though it’s the birth of all personal problems, despite admitting that they are in fact just fine themselves.

Each to their own I guess.

Or not, given your post was dripping in judgement for the choices someone else has made.

There’s a middle ground between centring your every waking thought around your child and living like you have no child. I suspect most parents occupy that ground and raise their children perfectly well.

There are a gazillion parenting gurus with a gazillion theories and they are all sure that they are right! I read most of the frigging books when I was pregnant with my eldest / she was young. At one end you have Gina Ford. At the other end you have attachment parenting.

Most people are somewhere in the middle.

I am more at the AP end (extended breastfeeding, no cry it out, did some co-sleeping) but I didn’t feel at all like I was swimming against any kind of stream. There were parents who were more tree hugging than me and (lots!) who were less. We all were just muddling through and shared what worked and what didn’t and whinged about being tired and ate cake.

Personally I think being told to time when you feed the baby’s is standard advice
And advised way to early

I've never been told that- feed on demand is the standard advice for breastfeeding, in my experience. I suppose it might depend on whereabouts you live?

Constantly being advised to avoid a rod for your own back in a million ways such as leavjng Abbas to cry is advised a hell of a lot and often form health professionals about very young babies

You're also told to respond to them when they cry to help build attachment- see poster in this link:

community.babycentre.co.uk/post/a31306455/you-cant-spoil-your-baby

Parents need to love their children and do their best to attend to their needs using whatever skills they possess. Everything else is a bonus. I didn't do cry it out or naughty step, but i am not a perfect parent and did lots of other stuff 'wrong', especially by recent standards. I have a good relationship with my dc and they are turning out well, ie they are hard working, honest and decent. What more can you ask for?

I think most of what he says is common sense, and it's largely how I parented dd. I just followed my instincts, I guess. Never left her to cry, fed on demand, never did punishments like time out or naughty step, co-slept for as long as she needed to etc. I did often feel that I was swimming against the tide tbh, and often had to ignore the advice from my health visitor/well meaning friends about making a rod for my own back. She's now 15, and it may be a coincidence, but she is an absolute delight, and we have an incredibly good relationship - much stronger than the relationships that many of her peers have with their parents.

Would that have been the same if I had parented differently in those early years? Well, obviously, I'll never know, but I definitely don't have any regrets about how I approached it.

All standard NHS advice on breastfeeding is about feeding on demand, responding to cues and not timing feeds. Any professional telling someone to time breastfeeds and ignore feeding cues is hugely out of step with current guidance. The only time I can think that advice about timing feeds being appropriate is when it’s a small baby or one with feeding problems and they’re coming at it from the angle that the baby should be feeding at least every 3 hours and to offer a feed if they aren’t asking for it. But no professional should be telling anyone to delay feeds until a set time.

I’m sure my teen would say that spending time with her friends takes priority over her family, despite us being close. Surely that’s a normal part of development and breaking away from the family ties. I’ve never had any concerns but her joining a gang 🤷🏼‍♀️

I find these debates really peculiar.

I was at SAHM/WFHM for the first three years of DF's life and by two years old, both DH and I were so sleep deprived, we had to ignore her crying at 3am sometimes. We were on our knees.

Other mums I knew in a similiar position had to recharge by having their mum take their toddler overnight twice a week.

Depending on you situation and circumstances, some of the advice about child rearing is just not realistic.

@Lardlizard

It just makes sense to me, keep that really strong bond and connection with your child, and the child will simply want to be good, it’s just so blindly simple

Shut up. Really before you embarrass yourself further, what an ignorant thing to say.

I’m sure my teen would say that spending time with her friends takes priority over her family, despite us being close. Surely that’s a normal part of development and breaking away from the family ties. I’ve never had any concerns but her joining a gang.

This^^

This also reminds me of the occasional conversation during parent-teacher meetings, where I am unsurprised to hear that the parent has never told their child no. Cuz damage, ya know.

Each to their own as long as children loved and looked after most strategies will work but have good and bad points.

Rude to say anyone will have "screwed their kids up" if they used the naughty step. Setting boundaries is very important too.

@Lardlizard so your DD is 13?
Let's talk again in 2-3 years time, when hanging out with (boy) friends is more important than spending time with you!

And I have a good relationship with my DC. It's important, but rule no 1 of parenting: your job to somehow make them ito viable adults. Rule no 2, kids start pushing away from you towards independence the moment they are born. Up to you how you deal with it.

These kind of threads make me feel really stressed - I know I should not look at them.
Dd2 cried constantly when she was a baby - she was known for it by family, friends, people in local shops etc. Crying and more crying all day long, so sometimes she was left to cry because I could not carry her around anymore, sometimes I had to attend to my other child or shower or eat and threads like this make me feel like I have ruined her life. But if anyone has had a baby that cries constantly, then they will tell you that it is completely different from “normal” baby crying and it leaves you unable to form a logical thought due to exhaustion. It’s people who have babies like this who read these threads and feel even worse. Oh and she is massively close to me and has not joined a gang!! Not all babies are the same!

@OnlyToWin - my DS was the same for the first 18 months of his life. After that I had enough and let him "cry it out"!
He is a confident, funny and happy 10 year old. But yeh, according to this random man DS is doomed!