You have the first three years not to screw your children up, time out is damaging, and so is leaving little ones to cry it out

[Lardlizard]

Hwre

Totally agree with this guy

So how has the human race survived for thousands of years if we have not been following these practices?

Could it be that human beings survive (and often thrive) against the odds and we are massively overthinking our parental input based on our own egos.

Because that is what I see. Parents who produce 'good' children want it to be all about them and what they have done. And then they want to look in on parents of 'bad' children and judge the parenting.

This is all about ego.

There are many ways to 'screw up' a child, putting them in time out is not one of them.

Everyone thinks they know best, doing this, that and the other and they'll grow up to be a brain surgeon who does charity work in their spare time.

You know your child best, do what works for you both and you'll do just fine. No adult ever turned around and said they fell off the tracks because they were put in a time out.

Make more time for your children - Wow, I wish I had thought of that and made millions. In fact it didn't occur to him until he had issues with his own children. Funnily enough, I didn't do anything that he advocates when my DC's were young, and they are incredibly well adjusted, caring, sharing young people.

I don't think he understands time out

Yes op, the naughty step is the cause of gang violence 🤣🤣

Anyone can set themselves up as a parenting guru, just look at that awful Sarah Ockwell- Smith , no qualifications other than homeopathy.

Underneath I did let my now 13.5yr okd dd cry it out and she now is slightly anxious and has trouble getting to sleep and I wonder if that was the cause. So maybe nothing we do or didn’t do wd have made a difference?

That’s a bit shit for children after the age of three - it’s ridiculous to suggest that early experiences can’t be overcome and leads to children being written off because their preschool experiences were poor. Research into wider child development would disagree with you (and him).

I think there are many different ways to raise children well. The details are less important than the relationship as a whole. Anyone who believes there is One True Way runs the risk of becoming a fundamentalist who cannot imagine alternative paths.

Disclaimer: I have no idea if the person who is referred to in the OP has a One True Way approach. I haven't read his work. I'm just commenting in general.

I also disagree with the notion that the first three years represent the only window for healthy development. I know many children who survived harrowing early years and blossomed into amazing individuals with the right support, including children who were adopted well after the age of 3. Obviously, a child has a better chance for healthy development with a good start in life. But the first 3 years aren't the only opportunity.

I do wonder what message this sends to parents who have adopted their DC after the age of 3. If their birth parents neglected them should they just be written off and nothing you do can 'fix' them?
While I do agree with a lot of what he says in theory I think there are as many correct ways of parenting as there are children and most parents do the best they can for the child they love.

Gabor Mate mainly works with drug addicts so maybe his views are skewed because of this

Love Gabor Mate.

My kids are older than 3 so I can relax 😁

We never did any crying it out or time out but my son in particular has anxiety. These things must be taken in context. The majority of parents are doing their best.

Gabor Mate isn't some odd ball from the internet, he is an expert medic and author in his field.

My parents fucked me up massively.

I work in mental health (forensic, so pretty harsh cases) and the over riding common factor of my service users is shit parents - not all neglectful, just shit.

I’ve gone to the ends of the earth with my children. My eldest is 18 and youngest is 8 weeks I’ve basically given my life to them.

But my 18 year old is wonderful. It’s been worth it. But it’s not for everyone. I’m massively Over compensating here for my own childhood and making sure they are always secure.

@starfish88

I do wonder what message this sends to parents who have adopted their DC after the age of 3. If their birth parents neglected them should they just be written off and nothing you do can 'fix' them? While I do agree with a lot of what he says in theory I think there are as many correct ways of parenting as there are children and most parents do the best they can for the child they love.

Quite a few people I’ve worked with were adopted. Damage is done very early on. Some professionals will tell you even before birth. It’s deeply saddening but I’ve seen it. People with wonderful adoptive parents who have had the most horrific lives and have committed terrible acts despite love, nurturing and support from thier adoptive parents.

I think this is great OP @Lardlizard

I have a scarily good memory (as a teen I was able to list all the items that were in my cot - something I couldn't possibly have known because there were no photos of it). I was looked after by family who repeatedly put me into 'time outs' and on the naughty step for the usual toddler things. I still vividly remember the hurt and confusion and feeling of 'my feelings don't matter'. The withdrawal of affection if I was having a tantrum and would be put into time out and ignored. Of feeling utterly abandoned. Of only going to sleep because there was no point in crying anymore and I was exhausted. It turned me into an anxious adult with attachment issues. I actually had CBT to address this.

Nothing was done to me beyond what most people would consider entirely 'normal' parenting strategies. I come from a loving family, I wasn't abused. Because of my own experiences I have always trusted my gut. If something feels wrong it probably is. I think people just don't remember the way they were made to feel as babies and toddlers but that doesn't mean they don't internalise/carry it. Our society is very emtionally unhealthy. I think lots of families can present as 'happy' but even these boards go to show all the toxic dynamics that go on.

I haven't watched the video (largely because both mine are under three and I worry already that I've not done enough- I don't need any more invitations to do so). I'm very attachment-focussed in general, I try my best for my kids and am secretly saddened when people I know do crying based sleep training etc with their little ones. But I don't think there's enough evidence of harm from it to definitively say it'll screw a child up and think if you've only ever come across one parenting expert that agrees with your parenting views, Occam's razor suggests that it's not the case that every other expert is getting it wrong.

Gabor Mate Doesn't say you have to be perfect, it’s not about making people perfect it’s about accepting being good enough
I think it’s daft to not watch something you can learn from incase it makes you feel bad
You still have plenty of years of parenting ahead of you and although no one can changes thjngs they’ve done well intentioned we can bear in mind the main messages that even when the children become teens your relationship with the is so fundamental to them, and always try to maintain that bond and closesness
Be present (as much as you can) physically and Emotionally

Mog I agree, one of my fitness whinhad a baby this year, she’s had terrible Advice about breast feeding from the midwives and hv
She was told about not feeding frequently
Even when the baby hadn’t regained birth weight and encouraged to only feed every 3/4 hours with such a tiny baby, only about 3 weeks old
Now it’s all gone to pot due to terrible advice imo
She should have been encouraged to feed on demand certainly while it all gets established
Such sad advice for 2020

It just makes sense to me, keep that really strong bond and connection with your child, and the child will simply want to be good, it’s just so blindly simple

@Lardlizard

It just makes sense to me, keep that really strong bond and connection with your child, and the child will simply want to be good, it’s just so blindly simple

Haha haha

Hahahahahaha

Hahahahahaha

Hahahahahaha

That statement you just made is Rubbish. Completely rubbish.

I had the best childhood ever but I still got in with bad people as a teen.Not my parents fault at all.

Aries ram not saying it’s their fault at all, all any of us can do is our best
But simply saying listen to this advice which does go against the tide of the mainstream thinking and have a think about it
That’s all

It’s never occurred to me to worry about my kid joining a gang.

I’ve also never seen anyone use the naughty step. Really, you see it ‘so often’? Where are you witnessing all this parental discipline?

Really struggling to understand what it is about your parenting that you feel is ‘swimming against the tide’. Both this video, and you, seem to be supporting pretty mainstream bog-standard parenting choices.