I annoy and irritate my husband and I can’t change I’m so upset

[FedUpofBeingMyself]

I annoy him I can tell. He’s snapped at me again today it’s happening more and more.
I have ASD and anxiety which is a bad combination anyway but under stress at the moment and I feel like everything is heightened

I’ve lost most of my coping strategies since covid and for other reasons too so I’m worse than ever. He used to have a lot of tolerance. Now it’s gone.
I feel bad for me and bad for him as I can see how annoyed and stressed he is with my behaviours but they’ve usually happened before I’ve had a chance to stop myself I’ll say or do the wrong thing and I can see after but it’s too late.

I feel like I just shouldn’t have ever been in a relationship as I make him unhappy. I feel like he went into things not realising what I had and by the point he knew he was stuck as we have children and I feel bad.
I need my coping strategies back

What coping strategies did you used to have?

What would help you cope better? How long have you been together?

I had private counselling which hasn’t restarted face to face appts for some reason phone appts aren’t helping and I can’t do video calls I have a stupid issue with cameras
I used to go for a massage once a month but with no work for a while there’s less money and it’s not possible at the moment but tbh I’d be stressed about getting Covid (I have anxiety over germs anyway so this has. It helped me at all)
We used to go together to cafes but now again due to me and my issues over stressing about getting Covid it’s too stressful.

I just keep saying and doing stupid things
Being OCD about cleaning I think I’m making him So annoyed
Nagging about everything and if I’m overwhelmed I’m literally dumping the contents of my mind on him because I can’t go to my face to face counselling sessions I was doing so well I could save stuff for once a week and just get it all out and that’s gone till face to face is restarted (my counsellor is at risk so only doing phone or video)
I can hear myself and I go on and on and I annoy myself but I can’t help it
On occasion recently I’ve had insomnia and woken up and woken him as needed to ‘talk’ and I’m just annoying him all the time

Please be kind to yourself. Yes, your anxieties spilling out may be hard to handle for people around you. But these are hard times and especially with ASD it will take time to readjust and find new coping mechanisms. Can you scale down on expectations you have of yourself and focus on sensory coping methods you could find at home? Would ithelp if your husband gave you massages? Can you ramble your thoughts into your phone's sound recorder? Find different professional help through the National Autistic Society?

Also, could you make this a shared problem? Talk to your husband about what's happening for you and how it makes him feel, and try to find a way through it together?

Me talking seems to make things worse I can tell he just wants peace and quiet

Can you write it down? In an email to yourself or in a notebook? To save waking him up?

I think this situation has just highlighted my issues. Intensified everything and it’s like I said I even annoy myself.
Every time I say anything he’s annoyed if I start to ask something it’s ‘what ?????’ I’m a horrible tone

OP big hugs right now

Firstly, try not to worry—everyone is a pain in the ass right now! Trust me, I don’t know anyone who has not ended up being a lot more difficult the last few months. You’re not alone in this!

He’ll also understand that your usual coping mechanisms are not there, it’s a frustrating situation for you both. However remember that he’s also probably upset about his own behaviour—I’m sure he doesn’t want to show you his irritation, but is also struggling to control himself because of the lack of ways to deal with his feelings healthily.

One thing I would advise is getting out of the house a lot, and trying to exhaust your mind/body on other areas. Now might be a really good time to try getting into physics exercise, it’s therapeutic and will also exhaust you!

Are there any crafts or hobbies on the side you could focus your energies on? If you did a lot of duolingo or sewing you’d have a focus for this energy, and be able to reduce the time you spend together.

Finally, have a chat with him and be honest about how you feel. Yes I’m sure he is fixing thai grating, but it’s not you he has a problem with, it’s a health condition that you normally do an excellent job managing. Tell him you’re trying hard, you appreciate his patience, he can now appreciate how much work you put in in normal times to stay on top of it. Ask him honestly what would make the living situation easier for him, e.g. would he like to go out more, or do some mini holidays, etc.

I can’t blame him because he never went into this relationship with any knowledge of my issues (v late diagnosis)
I think he’s just reached his limit and we’ve been together a lot more so minor things have become bigger problems and I think it’s too much

Could you look into more councilling options, like extra sessions or someone who can manage face to face on top of your current one? He’ll also appreciate knowing you’re makjng this effort for him.

I don't think this is 100% your doing. He sounds a bit arsey, tbh.

That is just not okay. You've got ASD. Living with that condition usually requires a lot of coping mechanisms. In times of stress it's normal that those fall apart. Anxiety, info dumping, OCD tendencies becoming stronger, as you know all of these are a sign of your mask slipping. How understanding I he of your condition at other times? I've found myself in situations where people got annoyed when I couldn't keep my mask on but that shouldn't be the case in your most personal relationships. You shouldn't have to hold yourself in constantly for fear of annoying people. Yes, it's good to be considerate of others but not at th expense of your mental health and the core of your being.

What do you think would be the best way forward out of this? And do you think he's willing/capable to at least consider that?

How about spending less time together and structuring it a bit? Like:

-if he wants a chunk of time to be alone and watch tv, you respect this and do a hobby alone.
-Have a cleaning period earmarked each day, and neither of you are allowed to discuss cleaning outside of this.
-You set a time for quality time, where you do a relaxing date night—a bath, massages and a glass of wine?
-You both try to get out to see friends/family separately as often as possible.
-You do 1 hour exercise each day alone and out of the house
-hvae a walk together at the weekends
-see councillor twice a week

He’s actually amazing all the other times it’s just fallen apart in the last few months.
Even to the point previously because I also suffer from selective mutism he would constantly be watching and would be able to ‘rescue’ me at any point if we were out and an unexpected situation arose or somebody stared talking to me etc he’s always been wonderful and this is a 20 year relationship but the last 4/5 months it’s not going well. I’m really trying but I’m failing it sounds stupid I am the level I am of my issues but I feel more anxious and more autistic than ever before and i can’t seem to get back to the balance I had.
He needs time away from me

If you're not able to access effective counselling, it might be time to look into medication.

Waking your husband up in the middle of the night to talk, and using him as a mind dump, really isn't on.

I tried to suggest to him a few times we could watch a film it’s something together but we wouldn’t be talking but he said it’s too hard to find something I’ll watch he then said something he planned to watch I said actually I would watch that but he said I ask questions during and over analyse things in films and I said I wouldn’t talk but he said it was too hard to find one
Then he just watched it alone one night

I don’t think there is any medication for asd and the anxiety is part of it so even anti anxiety medication I don’t think, would be beneficial

Yes it’s info dumping/mind dumping it’s like my brains full and I have to get it out
Maybe I need to email myself like someone else suggested
As a teen I had diaries and notebooks so so many but then I stopped that when my mum found them read them and Then would quote bits to embarrass me it was awful so I can’t write anymore but I’m going to try emailing myself

@FedUpofBeingMyself

I don’t think there is any medication for asd and the anxiety is part of it so even anti anxiety medication I don’t think, would be beneficial

...have you even asked a doctor?

I think it’s unfair for a pp to call her DH arsey, it’s a lot for someone to cope with; ASD, anxiety, OCD, selective mutism. If there’s a post about a woman coping with her DH MH she’s often told it’s hard to live with and he’s expecting too much and often she should leave.
Any relationship would strain under all of this, I’ve had to dig the patience of a saint out of myself when my DP was depressed.

They told me therapy was the treatment that’s why I had weekly counselling for the past few years

But if it’s got worse, the maybe now is the time to ask for medicine on top of the therapy?

It sounds like getting back into the diaries would be really helpful for you