I annoy and irritate my husband and I can’t change I’m so upset

[FedUpofBeingMyself]

I annoy him I can tell. He’s snapped at me again today it’s happening more and more.
I have ASD and anxiety which is a bad combination anyway but under stress at the moment and I feel like everything is heightened

I’ve lost most of my coping strategies since covid and for other reasons too so I’m worse than ever. He used to have a lot of tolerance. Now it’s gone.
I feel bad for me and bad for him as I can see how annoyed and stressed he is with my behaviours but they’ve usually happened before I’ve had a chance to stop myself I’ll say or do the wrong thing and I can see after but it’s too late.

I feel like I just shouldn’t have ever been in a relationship as I make him unhappy. I feel like he went into things not realising what I had and by the point he knew he was stuck as we have children and I feel bad.
I need my coping strategies back

Are there any youtube videos you could watch that might help?

It wasn’t a great childhood all round. She wanted a ‘proper’ daughter
A ‘normal’ daughter
Not a daughter she had to be embarrassed of. She told me so many times in have no choice but to love you you’re my child but I DONT have to like you ‘

OP I have autism and anxiety and there are medicines that can help. I take atarax at night, which is officially an anti-histimine, but is prescribed because it also reduces anxiety and improves sleep. I also have propavan which knocks me out completely when I'm particularly stressed.

Weighted blanket helps sleep and reduces anxiety.

And I have a massage chair which is the most amazing thing ever invented. Everyone else hates it, but I couldn't live without it.

As for blaming yourself, DON'T! Your husband did know what he was getting into. Your diagnosis may have been late but your autism and the difficulties you have were always there. You haven't changed, you just have a new label for who you are.

Sounds hard!
Definitely speak to the GP again. Mention the insomnia too, as that can be a sign of depression as well as anxiety. Have a good think before you speak to the GP about all the things that are bothering you and make sure to bring it all up. It may be that you were not given medication last time because you didn't describe all your symptoms.

Also think about different coping strategies rather than getting the old ones back. For example, doing some hard exercise in the evening so that you are knackered and fall asleep. Or getting up and having a slice of toast in the night (nice calming activity) / putting on earphones with the sound of crashing waves on loop, rather than speaking to your dp.

And sit down and go through the whole idea that you have trapped your dp properly, during the day. Identify your fears and ask yourself whether they make rational sense. The way you have put it so far, it doesn't make sense to me. You weren't diagnosed when you met, the current situation was totally unforseeable, there is no way you could have known you'd have this problem. It is not permanent and you can do something to improve things. It's a huge, inexplicable leap from that to "I should never be in a relationship". If you can't convince yourself rationally that that idea is catastrophising, that's another sign of depression that you need to tell your GP.

Also OP, and anyone else it may help, there's a free online CBT programme available for people with anxiety and/or depression. It's run by the psychology department of the University of Australia. I found it really helpful.

moodgym.com.au/

Sending gentle un mumsnet hugs OP, i hear what you say totally about feeling more autistic, and i totally agree that not having your normal structure of coping strategies taken away is highly likely the cause.

I think you should speak to your GP about medication for the anxiety in the short term, just until you can get back to seeing your regular therapist.

I hope you feel more in control very soon.

You have my sympathies, OP. I heard that a lot from my mother too my childhood greatly affected me.

Moodgym is sadly not free any more but it is low cost (£21 for a year) - I've done it and it is brilliant.

Sorry you are having a hard time OP, it's hard on many couples at the moment being together much more than we're used to, it sounds like your Mum's attitude to you has conditioned you to be rejecting to yourself about your difficulties?

There are some online OCD support groups running too that might help with managing that side of things? www.ocduk.org/new-weekly-online-ocd-support-groups/

I'm sure people on here would try to help you with the webcam difficulties too? Is it a tech problem or are you nervous of being on screen?

I know what you mean about feeling more autistic, I'm neurodivergent and noticing my differences more in this current environment too.

@PickAChew

I don't think this is 100% your doing. He sounds a bit arsey, tbh.

In fairness, I'd be pretty fucking arsey if somebody woke me up in the middle of the night because they wanted to talk to me.

You know he’s an actual grown-up who should be able to talk to you and explain how he’s feeling. You could ask him to? Tell him to let you know (gently) when your actions are stressing him.

If he’s letting it fester then he needs to sort himself out.

@JanMeyer

What does you feel ‘more autistic’? My son has Aspergers and I find that a very odd thing to say.

It's not odd at all. I have Aspergers and i know exactly what the OP means. Being stressed out means she can't mask like she usually does, hence "feeling more autistic."
Obviously i can't speak for the OP but when I'm really stressed out i "feel more autistic" because my sensory issues are worse, i find it hard to talk and i can't cope with even small changes.

DS is 9 and has been diagnosed for less than a year. He masks very well much og the time. Obviously I had my suspicions a couple of years ago to trigger referal.

He is who he is, that has never changed. He's a delightful, funny, loving, sharp bright child. The ASD has always been the way he's wired right back to when I thought we were just being unlucky on those stubborn toddler tantrums... obviously I understand now why it was such a disaster that the biscuit was not a perfect circle or that it was a disaster that we didn't go down the toy aisle in the supermarket when I was too exhausted to lug myself down on crutches at 38 weeks pg. But he was a toddler and I was a mystified, exhausted parent back then.

He is himself with ASD all the time, but we do get "ASD moments" when it shines out. A few weeks ago when he got out 3 bowls for pudding, DH thought he was deliberately missing DS2 out. He wasn't. ASD logic was that DS2 was not interested because DS2 had already cleared away and left the room. It didn't occur to DS1's logic that a change of food would instantly bring a very interested DS2 back.

I know that ASD is part of him, always has been and always will be, it's just that we are still learning about the practicalities of living with it and how DS1 operates and we do get those moments where it flashes up more clearly, and phases where DS1 is adapting to life and the difference flags up more strongly, and much of the time it's just blending in being DS1.

No one notices that he wears shorts all summer. The difference is obvious when it's snowing and he's the only child with bare legs. He's just happily being DS1 doing DS1, but sometimes those traits blend in/ stand out.

Have you asked him what would help him? Just that small move from panicking that you're doing everything wrong, to asking him about his perspective, may change the dynamic, particularly for him. It may feel to him that the relationship is all about you at the moment, and it probably is. That's no slur on you, OP; anxiety is overwhelming on its own, without even considering the other issues you're having to deal with. But if it's not going to overwhelm the relationship, you both need to communicate clearly about your needs and boundaries. Ask him about his. Gently explain yours.

There are 3 parties in a relationship: 2 partners, and the relationship itself. Do something, even a small thing, every day, to nurture each.

To add, to BogRollBOGOF's excellent explanation of 'feeling more autistic', the sensitivities that come with ASD are not always the same either. When I'm relaxed, I like being physical with my children. But when I'm in a stressful situation, I can have very strong physical reactions to them touching me. Like being touched out by babies.

In the same way, times of prolonged stress, all my sensitivity levels go up. So in the last few months, I find it much harder to handle noise, people being angry with me, having to do lengthy paperwork, expressing myself without overwhelming the other person, etc etc. I feel so much more autistic than before, it's really draining. Especially since people who know me as this slightly awkward but confident person see what a mess I'm making of certain things. So I feel more autistic in myself and seem more difficult (but really autistic) to others.

Yes, of course, when DS is stressed he is way more 'autistic' than normal. But he is almost an adult and was diagnosed at 6y and has learned to pro-proactively deal with it.
Last night he came to me to - in his words: "deliver a symptom" cue a lengthy lecture on something specific he is doing in one of his games. I didn't understand a word but I have learned that the information has to get out.

I agree about the middle of the night, @MitziK but if he's refusing to even discuss with OP how to get through this without being dismissive, then she has an uphill and lonely battle ahead. Communication is a two way thing and, as zoesmum said, he is an adult and should be able to discuss his feelings.

Just an idea based on your need to Mind Dump..... could you try counselling via email? I’m a counsellor and do this and it works well for some people that can’t do face to face or Zoom calls. I also work in text chat with some clients, a bit like when you go on a website and the chat option pops up.
Just a thought for alternative ways to get some therapy.

What about counselling via phone? No camera just voice?

Or write your thoughts down and then shred it or burn it (carefully) or type it then delete it. If you have underlying worries about it being read.

CBD oil may be worth a try as a natural anti anxiety solution. (disclaimer: neve tried it myself, and you have to research the supplier carefully)

Have you been on lockdown at home together all this time?

You probably both need some space

In fairness, I'd be pretty fucking arsey if somebody woke me up in the middle of the night because they wanted to talk to me.

^

Me too

Most of the time yes apart from occasional needing to go to work but majority of it has been working from home

I have a slightly different reason but in sort of the same boat @FedUpofBeingMyself and your username really rings a bell with me.

The reason for my being annoying is that I have a very poor working/short term memory due to epilepsy (left temporal lobe and the meds make it worse). I am annoying because I repeat myself constantly, ask the same questions and basically, you know that "tip of my tongue" or "what did I come in this room for" feeling - it's literally constant for me. The worst thing I do is ask the same questions again and again and I'll (for example) tell DH something that happened at the shop and then tell him again an hour later. Repeat. Or if we are watching TV I'll say "oh I like her dress." And then say it again. And again. I also forget what's just happened on the TV so it's hard to keep track. Living and conversing with me must be like living with everyone's annoying Great Aunt Ethel who you have to be polite to...

I also wasn't always like this so have that feeling of he didn't sign up for this. Luckily when I voice that to DH he says but you didn't sign up for this either which makes me slightly comforted and maybe might be the same for you?

It sounds as though what I do is similar in terms of annoyance factor to others (meant lightheartedly or we might cry ) as your "brain dump". What has helped me a bit (and it's still a fucking nightmare tbh but for what it's worth) and might be of some small use is -

Instead of asking DH things (I think I may ask and you talk at IYSWIM) constantly - people have suggested writing stuff down which does help but what it good for me is writing it down as a text to DH but not sending it. The writing down is cathartic and useful but it's the "targeting" part that doing it as a text that works for me. (Unless I forget I shouldn't press send ) so I don't go on at him constantly, I use it as an aide memoir for what I want to ask/tell him something interesting, but also when I think of something I look at the text and see I've already "mentioned it to him". We then have a time in the evening where we have a discussion so I can get all this out. Mine are short as they're usually questions so I write them on WhatsApp but don't send, but maybe you could write an email and not send, or edit it so you're not "bombarding"?

I wonder if that would help you, you could express stuff and feel you'll telling someone instead of just jotting stuff down, but you're not actually targeting someone right that moment, IYSWIM. I'm finding it hard to explain (I also forget words in the middle of sentences and people either have to wait patiently or supply the word which sometimes I feel upset about)

Another thing is giving DH the chance to talk back (I really have to try at this, it's not easy) and giving him space and silence (again not easy). I always ask him to tell me when it's getting a bit too much instead of bottling it all up - they may think they're doing us a favour by not mentioning it at the time but it doesn't help when it all gets uncorked and has been built up while they try to be kind and patient.

Also I try and find strategies that don't involve DH, eg offloading to my best friend (I don't have a circle of friends, can't think why ) and I remember to let her offload to me too about other stuff.

I also try and direct/distract my mind (walking outside, exercise if I could) or read. I wonder if you're like me in that I can be really obsessive about stuff (so I'll read a particular series of books or watch programmes about a certain subject for ages then move on) but I also have a shit attention span so this requires concentration so is a good "mental exercise".

I always say to DH "you can tell me to shut the fuck up, I won't be offended" and he wouldn't say that but he might say "can you tell me later?" and I recognise I need to give him a bit of space. It's kind of like a code word/phrase that we both recognise but it's not "unkind".

Maybe all this might be useless to you but just wanted to sympathise, as it's such a hard situation to be in. I think if I were DH I would have divorced me long ago. One huge positive is that (and this thread is testament to it) you're "aware" of your impact on your DH which makes a huge difference, so you are thinking about him and not just yourself, and your DH must realise that I think?

Feel free to ignore any of this (oh the irony ) if it's no use at all but just wanted to let you know you're not alone in your feeling.

PS Also second the massage chair (or mat or something) that PP mentioned. I think you can get mats for your neck or back which really may help "unKnot" you a bit. Lush do a great massage bar to use in the bath but I don't buy from there anymore. Maybe there are similar ones about.

Fuck me that was long You see the problem...

Thankyou @IveProbablyAskedYouThis it helps to know I’m not the only one feeling this way. It’s just the guilt sometimes I feel guilty for being how I am to him then I feel bad for myself as I do really try but I have been getting so overwhelmed lately
Ill look into the massage chair I am so tense all the time ☹️
Your dh sounds very understanding Thankyou so much for being so kind to me

Autism can present very differently in girls and women, that's the reason why so many girls and women are undiagnosed. All of the clinical tests for autism are based on the male presentation.

My adult DD is autistic. When she's overwhelmed, everything is a struggle for her because everything in her world at that moment is amplified x1000 therefore my perception is that her behaviour is so much more intense and for want of a better term, more autistic. that is a massive signal to me not to react as an NT to NT, which would be with exasperation and annoyance to tell her to stop doing those things because they are beyond irritating and leave me alone.

Instead, that behaviour is a vast signal to me that she can't mask any more, she is beyond her own coping ability, she's overwhelmed and needs my help immediately or it will progress into meltdown or shutdown and it will take her days and days to get back to her normal.

FedUpofBeingMyself What sort of things do you find calming that you could do at the first onset of overwhelm? Here are a few rhetorical questions and suggestions, feel free to ignore anything you don't like the sound of.

Do you have a particular place in the house you find restful? If so claim that as your safe space and put all your calming strategy tools nearby, so you have somewhere comforting to be and all sorts of help to hand there.
Suggestions, comfy clothes, comfy chair, fleecy throws, cushions, weighted lap pad or waistcoat or blanket or weighted large soft toy filled with dried beans or similar.

Do you prefer it dark or softly lit.

Headphones for noise you want via your tech, or ear defenders and noise cancelling headphones to shut the world out? It all depends on your sensory needs.

Are there any routines you can implement for yourself, even small things that would provide some form of reassurance for you?

As you were dxd later, you may find some of the things in this booklet helpful, understanding of sensory issues lags way below the desired level in our society. www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?

I've put a few infographics on this post too, because some of the replies you've had are from people who don't seem to understand autism at all, or the areas where you may experience some difficulties.

IMO, if you can cope with counselling, it would be good for you and your husband to get together on your own or with a counsellor specialising in Autistic/NT relationships and work out mutual strategies for you both to cope in your relationship. Your husband needs to know which of your behaviours are due to autistic overwhelm so you cannot help them and which are only 'irritating partner'. He can then try and stop himself reacting negatively to your autistic behaviour when you're overwhelmed which would help immensely and you could maybe try letting him know when you are starting to feel overwhelmed, so you can both implement some calming strategies before you get to the point of total overwhelm.
Hopefully if each of you understand the other's behaviours and feelings a little more, you'll be able to work through this.