I annoy and irritate my husband and I can’t change I’m so upset

[FedUpofBeingMyself]

I annoy him I can tell. He’s snapped at me again today it’s happening more and more.
I have ASD and anxiety which is a bad combination anyway but under stress at the moment and I feel like everything is heightened

I’ve lost most of my coping strategies since covid and for other reasons too so I’m worse than ever. He used to have a lot of tolerance. Now it’s gone.
I feel bad for me and bad for him as I can see how annoyed and stressed he is with my behaviours but they’ve usually happened before I’ve had a chance to stop myself I’ll say or do the wrong thing and I can see after but it’s too late.

I feel like I just shouldn’t have ever been in a relationship as I make him unhappy. I feel like he went into things not realising what I had and by the point he knew he was stuck as we have children and I feel bad.
I need my coping strategies back

Do you have a bath? I find them a hassle but I know that a hot bath helps ease the physical impact of anxiety.

Can you have video counselling with a bit of paper taped over your webcam lens? So you can see and hear them but they can only hear you?

@FedUpofBeingMyself
Men don’t seem to like what they call “Seamless talking “
I used to talk a lot out of nerves ,but it was just a habit.
Nagging no one enjoys

You can learn new coping techniques that don’t involve him- writing a diary and burning it after-
The physical act of writing helps and feels better than text- don’t be so hard on yourself, these are tough times👍

@FedUpofBeingMyself I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. (And I'm sure there are lots of people like us). I forgot to agree that lockdown is such a fucking nightmare, DH was furloughed (and then sacked ) and being with each other (and the DC who I must annoy too, whole other thread though) 24/7 was so hard. We definitely had to "schedule" time apart from each other eg someone watching a film, or napping or reading or whatever, in the bedroom for the afternoon and NOT disturbing each other. Unless it was something essential (I also leave hobs turned on and taps running and front doors open...I'm a fucking nightmare to live with)

How do you feel if you imagine sitting down with your DH and reading your OP out to him word to word fed up ?How do you think he would respond? I wonder if he is making you feel guilty about all the negative stuff instead of recognising all the positive stuff you do? It's very easy to get into that situation. I wonder how honest he is with you.

How funny you mention lighting I prefer dim or softly lit
Lighting caused an argument last week with us here as the kitchen bulb went and the new one was too blue toned not yellow toned and I cannot cope with it.
The front room I had to unscrew 2 of the bulbs and dh said I had made it horrible no and depressing in there so I ordered a lamp which is better I got a small old lamp out for the bedroom too as that was too bright as well

Your anxiety is probably making you believe your winding him up more than you actually are.
Anxiety just loves jumping to conclusions and making you feel bad

If I tried to talk to him or read it he would say thing like ‘things are fine ‘ ‘We’re fine ‘ etc then just get on with things he’s not a big talker and I’m a massive talker so there’s a big disparity

@PickAChew

I agree about the middle of the night, *@MitziK but if he's refusing to even discuss with OP how to get through this without being dismissive, then she has an uphill and lonely battle ahead. Communication is a two way thing and, as zoesmum* said, he is an adult and should be able to discuss his feelings.

Yes, he is - but, speaking from my experience of having ASD and desperately needing times of no noise, it's very difficult to do that if your internal dialogue is along the lines of;

'Please, please, just stop talking at me. I've been in this house almost 24 hours a day for the last six months and you haven't stopped talking at me once in that time.

We can't go out and get some fresh air and a change of scenery anymore because you're not able to do that.

I can't hear myself think for five minutes or get work done that pays for a roof over our heads because you'll get the vacuum cleaner out to fill the silence.

And then when that stops and I think I can start that really complicated bit of work, you come in and start talking at me about how I must really hate you because I didn't pay you more attention this morning when I needed a coffee and five minutes peace.

I can't sit down and watch a film without you talking through and over it, asking me questions that you might know the answer to if you'd actually stopped talking and watched the film a bit. I can't even answer them because I couldn't hear the bit that explained it because you were asking me what had happened in the scene two minutes ago that we missed because you were talking.

I know it's hard and you're struggling without visits for counselling, but seriously, I'm not even safe to sleep anymore because you're shaking me awake at 3am to talk at me some more.

I love you but you are doing my fucking head in.'

• because you know that actually saying precisely what you feel could result in somebody's else's being hurt and their reaction could be to do all the things above a thousand times more, with added shrieking, wailing and sobbing that 'YOU DON'T LOVE MEEE ANYMORE' to deal with on top.

Far better, I think, for the feelings to be kept private at times rather than adding more fuel to the OP's fire.

@FedUpofBeingMyself

How funny you mention lighting I prefer dim or softly lit Lighting caused an argument last week with us here as the kitchen bulb went and the new one was too blue toned not yellow toned and I cannot cope with it. The front room I had to unscrew 2 of the bulbs and dh said I had made it horrible no and depressing in there so I ordered a lamp which is better I got a small old lamp out for the bedroom too as that was too bright as well

Wear sunglasses indoors.

It works.

The anxiety slayer podcast is good op I would recommend that

Please remember that as an autistic person you're more susceptible to criticism or perceived criticism than most people are too. It may be that some of the times you think you're annoying him but you're not.

It might also be worth considering whether he might be undiagnosed autistic too and might perhaps need more space than some (or 'alone time' as we call it in our house). Apparently a very high percentage of us end up with ASD partners, even if it's not recognised for years!

What about phone counselling not Zoom or switching the video off, just say you feel uncomfortable with it? OCD needs proper treatment if it is interfering with your day-to-day life, your GP might refer you. Try to add some structure in your life as others say, e.g. finding a set time for worrying or discussing the cleaning or just doing lists for yourself or finding groups of people who are interested in cleaning online, or support groups for anxiety/ASD/OCD. Emailing yourself is good, but also writing, there is something so therapeutic about going out and getting yourself a lovely book and giving yourself a set time to write in it every morning or evening, it will make you feel you have offloaded, can cope by yourself better, and also give him some time where you don't need him. Add to your daily quiet time finding at least one thing each day to be grateful for, and if you use social media sign up to something like Action for Happiness for some positive input. We don't usually learn to soothe ourselves, and often look to others, but it is an important life skill. I would also echo what others say about being kind to yourself. You are focusing on what he finds hard to cope with, but I am sure there are lots of really great things about you too.

I really understand, I've been like this for years and it's put a terrible strain on my marriage. I've been guilty of brain dumping on my husband for hours at a time and despite knowing he's thoroughly fed up I wasn't able to stop. Every day I would promise myself I wouldn't do it anymore but I would. It somehow relieved the anxiety but then it would build up and I would do it again.

I tried medication, meditation, diaries, counselling, yoga and nothing worked. I just lived in a constant state of anxiety and the only relief I got was if I talked about it. It was so bad I wondered if I was addicted to brain dumping because that's how it felt.

One day I came across an article that talked about the link between B3 and anxiety. There are hundreds of well researched studies about this and I really recommend you look into it.

After a lot of research I now regularly take b3 vitamins and I make sure I eat things high in B3. I cannot express what a difference it has made. The urge to brain dump has gone. The anxiety has gone. I feel like myself again.