I annoy and irritate my husband and I can’t change I’m so upset

[FedUpofBeingMyself]

I annoy him I can tell. He’s snapped at me again today it’s happening more and more.
I have ASD and anxiety which is a bad combination anyway but under stress at the moment and I feel like everything is heightened

I’ve lost most of my coping strategies since covid and for other reasons too so I’m worse than ever. He used to have a lot of tolerance. Now it’s gone.
I feel bad for me and bad for him as I can see how annoyed and stressed he is with my behaviours but they’ve usually happened before I’ve had a chance to stop myself I’ll say or do the wrong thing and I can see after but it’s too late.

I feel like I just shouldn’t have ever been in a relationship as I make him unhappy. I feel like he went into things not realising what I had and by the point he knew he was stuck as we have children and I feel bad.
I need my coping strategies back

What does you feel ‘more autistic’? My son has Aspergers and I find that a very odd thing to say. Are all your conditions a late diagnosis? Have you ever been to your GP about this?

I asked once about anti depressants but not anti anxiety they made me do a questionnaire and I wasn’t actually ‘depressed’
Sometimes I wonder would something to help me sleep better be good

Is there anyway you could have a week apart or would that be too tough for you at the moment? I understand why you are using him like you are but it isn't fair on him, he doesn't have the training to deal with it. I know you are having an awful time but he must be so frustrated.
Even sign up to counseling through text so you can dump all that is racing through your mind on someone that might actually be able to help.
It's an awful time at the moment and I'm sorry that ye are both going through this.

I think due to not having my routine sand coping strategies I feel worse / more autistic if that makes sense in terms of obsessing more over things, sensory overload and just more sensitive to everything

I find having a pen in my hand and writing in a notebook far more calming than typing. If that’s the same for you how about a locked box for notebooks? Would that feel safe?

Or even a shredder?

I think you need to go back to your GP. You need to consider other coping strategies. Have you tried CBT? Mindfulness? Do you exercise?
Clearly your DH is saying he can’t be your one and only coping strategy. It’s not fair to wake him at night because you want to talk for instance.

@FedUpofBeingMyself

They told me therapy was the treatment that’s why I had weekly counselling for the past few years

But now you can't have therapy and you're not coping. You don't seem to be looking for ways to make this better, you really need to take responsibility for your own behaviour.

I think you’d be able to cope a lot better if you got a lot more therapy support, did the notebooks thing, got medicine for sleeping, got medicine to try for anxiety (there absolutely are a lot of options here), and focused on doing a lot of physical exercise to help exhaust your mind and. Key.

I think you could explore the possibly of anti anxiety meds with your GP. Anxiety can be separated out from your autism because anxiety CAN be treated.

I will book an appt to discuss with the gp then

Isn't it more likely in corona times that both of you are stressed, both of you are a bit anxious and depressed? He might have also lost his coping strategies a bit and feel overwhelmed- lots of people have been finding this time difficult.

That's why I think making it both your problem is a good idea- if you can acknowledge this is a) a super stressful situation much of which is out of your control and b) you are both finding it hard to be your usual patient selves and to cope, then I think finding some ways forward will be much easier.

At the moment you are framing this as something you are doing to him, but it's more likely to be an interactive problem and it's probably better for your relationship if you treat it like that. See if you can take time to speak with him and start a conversation about this.

Also massages are 100% something that can be done at home, bottle of massage oil and a YouTube tutorial.

Hi OP,

Yes you now need to look into alternative coping strategies. It is not possible for your DH to help you through this as he now has enough on his plate with your DC and you spiralling out of control.

Do you have a mental health team or are you only with a GP? I would urge you to find a new counsellor who can do face to face sessions in your garden or their garden or in a well ventilated room with large social distancing.

But I also agree with others that you need medication to calm you down so talk to the GP about anti-anxiety medication. To help in addition to these, I second the idea of intense exercise to use up your excess adrenaline and to send dopamine through your body. I know this works on a chemical level in your body and will help in addition to the medication.

Allow yourself a set time to discuss your issues, 30 mins after dinner or similar. During the day whenever you want to talk, think about how you will concisely say what you need to in that 30 mins. You still get to express, but it's not a constant stream of emotions to him.

Also unload more on family and friends and Mumsnet of course. He sounds like he's trying to be patient, but if you don't address it he might get overwhelmed. You're clearly self aware but in times of high anxiety constant analysis and over sharing is fairly normal.

You do sound like your needs could be overwhelming if you're not about to go out and your DH has no time but usually those who are putting on people don't know or care but you do- so you're half way to solving this. I agree wholeheartedly about the diaries/ emails. Try to give your DH space and see if you can build up to going out in small steps. Could you manage online counselling without a camera?

I don’t think there is any medication for asd and the anxiety is part of it so even anti anxiety medication I don’t think, would be beneficial.

Anxiety is a common co-morbid of ASD, it's not exactly part of it. It's something that comes with the autism. But autistic people can and do take medication for it. I take Setraline for it, which really made a difference for me in terms of obsessive and ritualistic thinking.

Medication can help with sleep, anxiety ot depression.

DS has been back at school a few weeks and his brain is getting very busy. At night, he's finding it helps going to sleep with yoga music streaming, or in the lounge "sleeping with the fish". A few nights back I crashed out at 9pm, and woke feeling bright at 3am. I went down and did a "bedtime yoga" video, active but soothing and was able to go back to sleep for a couple of hours after.

Look up The Organised Mum Method. She devised it after struggling with compulsive cleaning. They are checklists that mean thar objectively you have cleaned enough. Obviously no miracle cure for OCD, but it is a logical, rational framework that your rational thoughts can use as a foundation against compulsion.

Get out walking. Outdoor viral transmission is minimal. Build in baby steps like getting a takeway coffee or meeting someone on a walk. Build up to sitting outside a cafe with them.

Mindfulness diaries or a plain diary might help to focus thoughts or brain dump.

Have a long hot bath and self massage with oil.

I have auditiory processing issues and am finding my tolerance to busy places has faded in the last 6 months. Not helped by being in the constant presence of my family until the DCs finally went back to school (plus DS1's frequent indepth analyisis of WW2 battle strategies and weapons is not my natural line of conversation!) I've been peopled out and simultaneously socially understimulated and these are challenging times for the majority even without particularly suceptible condtions to these changing circumstances.

While there isn't medication for ASD, there absolutely is medication for anxiety and many people with ASD find they manage their overwhelming anxiety much better when they are on it.

20 years on citalopram, never looked back

I would have a serious discussion about medication as it can help put overwhelming numbers of thoughts in order and help you feel more you, if that makes sense.

Feeling more autistic makes perfect sense to me. If you've been diagnosed as an adult it's likely you've learned all sorts of (neurotypical) socially accepted social skills to get you through the day without seeming or even feeling to autistic but when the stress leads to overwhelm you just don't have the bandwidth/spoons to keep up with those. I so recognise the feeling of needing to release energy by mind dumping (I like that phrase), which is really like a surge overcoming you and hard to just set aside until later. Mostly because it's not really about wanting to discuss something but about getting rid of that wave of overwhelm. So instead of trying to find ways to suppress that, which would lead to more stress, for me it's better to find ways to redirect that energy. Journaling (there's no peeping mum around anymore), emailing yourself, MN'ing (what I'm doing right now to redirect ), playing simple videogames like Tetris, taking a hot or cold shower, exercising or looking for other phard physical feedback could all be things that bring the energy down without dumping it all onto someone else. Have you looked at sensory or stimulation diets?

And of course you're husband should not be your energy conduit or saviour, but he should be understanding that this is your ASD equilibrium tilting out of wack and not you trying to make his life difficult. Same as you need to be understanding that he might have less resources to help you settle at the moment.

What does you feel ‘more autistic’? My son has Aspergers and I find that a very odd thing to say.

It's not odd at all. I have Aspergers and i know exactly what the OP means. Being stressed out means she can't mask like she usually does, hence "feeling more autistic."
Obviously i can't speak for the OP but when I'm really stressed out i "feel more autistic" because my sensory issues are worse, i find it hard to talk and i can't cope with even small changes.

Fantastic post @BogRollBOGOF 👏

@JanMeyer
It’s odd to me as I’ve never heard anyone say that. Maybe it’s because women/girls mask more, my son is fortunately pretty balanced out now he’s older.

@FedUpofBeingMyself

Yes it’s info dumping/mind dumping it’s like my brains full and I have to get it out Maybe I need to email myself like someone else suggested As a teen I had diaries and notebooks so so many but then I stopped that when my mum found them read them and Then would quote bits to embarrass me it was awful so I can’t write anymore but I’m going to try emailing myself

What your mum did was completely wrong of her. She should never have read your diaries and notebooks, and for her to quote things back at you was a horrible thing for her to do.

I suspect that this wasn't the only thing she did that upset you, am I right? I am so sorry she did this to you

Thankyou so much this is really really helpful I literally feel sometimes like I’m the only person in the world and I’m not I’m going to try some of these things I’m going to go for a walk later just to try and wear myself out