did the way your parents managed money around you affect you....

[Arabiannightss]

Not sure on how to phrase the question...

I have cousins around the same age as me & my siblings.
Growing up my mum and dad didn’t have a lot of money, we didn’t go without, presents on special occasions but not always everything we asked for and it was definitely always known to us that we couldn’t afford to buy this and that.
I left formal education just before turning 18 to take a full time job, had various credit cards and loans, my siblings were the same. I imagine none of us will ever be in a position for a mortgage, no savings & mostly live hand to mouth, various jobs but mostly on the lower pay end of the scale.

In contrast my cousins were mostly given everything they wanted growing up, id say not to over the top but presents often and occasions a lot. My Aunt & uncle weren’t a hugely better off but had a mortgage and I imagine a lot went on credit at times but cousins didn’t want for nothing so to speak. Both went to Uni, both have good jobs, mortgages, savings.

So I wondered if their parents shielding them from ‘money troubles’ made the difference?

I’m desperate for my DC not to grow up to be Irresponsible with money so I’m pondering whether me saying oh we can’t afford this and that is hindering them?

Wow sorry didn’t realise it would be that long, thank you for reading!

Also apologies for all the typos

It was feast or famine in my home. Financial chaos. I just want stability and security for my own family.

I would guess it isn’t the attitude to money that is at the root of the difference. Did their parents encourage uni and/or training because they wanted them to earn well because they knew that makes life easier? I wouldn’t encourage my DSs to leave education (unless for a skilled trade) earlier than uni for exactly that reason.

My childhood was poverty stricken. The bailiffs came regularly and they even knew my name. My parents were in debt everywhere. At one point the milkman stopped delivering and I was sent to the house to buy milk until my mother reduced the debt.
When the insurance man came we had to duck down behind the window until he went away. It was like that for years.

When I grew up I became a saver - almost to the stage where it became more imperative to save than to spend on necessities. My sister was the same and we blamed our childhood for it.

I am much more relaxed now knowing nothing bad is about to happen to me but money or the lack of worried me throughout my adult life

I don’t think it really works like that. I think parents spending habits can affect the way that their children spend money, but not necessarily the ability to earn it. Assuming both your and your cousins parents were working class and on similar wages, presumably you/your siblings and your cousins had the same choices and opportunities when it came to decisions about higher education. I think there’s more motivation for children with ‘tighter’ parents to better their situations. You and your siblings made the choice to finish education and get jobs

My parents were both working in professional jobs when I was growing up but I was aware that things had to be saved up for and money didn’t grow on trees. I was taught to budget by my Mum and managed well at university by going without what I couldn’t afford. No grand expectations helps. I have to earn what I want to spend. My DC have more than I did as a child but they are not spoiled and I am trying to teach them the value of money. They are not yet old enough to budget themselves but they will learn. They are lucky that we will be able to fund university study if this is what they choose so they won’t start out with a debt which I suppose helps.

Quite the opposite in that after a certain point I was pretty much given what I wanted and the requirements from me were minimal. I honestly don't blame my DP for that (I do for the fact they emotionally were gigantically crap with me) or the consequences but the honest truth is that it didn't teach me the value of money. I didn't have a concept of not enough and that was disastrous. As an adult I've taken responsibility and learnt financial management and learnt to teach myself what no is. In reality it took me longer than I'm proud if and I'm still paying the price heavily.

Teaching the concept that money is not limitless is a very good thing. It's a life skill I honestly believe DC should have .

I was lucky, tight fisted DDad who was very sensible with his money and taught me to avoid debt, only buy what I can pay for up front and save for a rainy day. I'm genuinely shocked by how irresponsible some of my friends parents were with money, taking out loans for holidays for example

University was never even discussed with me, not sure about my siblings, I remember my mum was upset that I wanted to leave college but didn’t push me to stay, talk about better paid jobs etc. Never talked about savings/interest on credit cards etc.
anordinary I can remember hiding under the windowsill when the loan man came around!
My eldest is a teenager, he doesn’t get pocket money at the moment as I just can’t afford it, but any birthday money/occasion money he receives gets spent almost instantly to the point where he’s looking for things to spend it on.

Op, I'm not sure what you have mentioned is relevant to whether dc grow up to be able to save.

What else was going on?

Some dc won't save and some will. I'm trying to show mine exactly how I save, little by little into different pots. Show them budgeting. They have savings accounts, for them and try and encourage a small amount of money to spend save half etc.

They know we have been on a tight leach, can't afford everything, live on a tight budget, know we have to pay for everything...

Electricity, petrol etc. Basically I try and be as open as possible about money and how we run things.
I've been trying over lock down to educate the older one about stocks and shares savings. But unfortunately it almost sends her to sleep.

As for uni etc I guess they need to be exposed to aspiration, people who value education? Cultural capital... Exposure to this that and the other.

OMG yes and my parents behaviour around money still drives me and my siblings mad. My parents are divorced and my DM gets a fairly good allowance but is really chaotic with money she'll spend £100 on getting my grandfather (her father) plants for his garden but then not be able to afford to buy heating oil. Her house is in a naice area near Oxford but is dilapidated and she seems to think she can't afford repairing it but then spends on other things it's almost like she doesn't think she's worth spending on herself and ensuring she has a nice home.

My father is obsessed with obtaining and retaining money.
Neither of them taught us about managing money so we've all had to find our own way. My Dsis & I have been more successful at that than my brother who wants a lavish lifestyle but never ensured his employment/education would give him that so he seems to have a feast or famine situation going on and hates my DF, Dsis & I for being financially Okay.

Definitely teach your kids as much as you can about money 💰

My parents were chaotic with money, there was either plenty or none.
They have been self employed for decades, and have nothing put away for their retirement yet take several holidays a year.
As a result I have a horror of debt, and get nervous if the current account balance goes below £1k. I focused on getting the mortgage paid off in my thirties, and save 1/3 of our income for emergencies.
DCs are polar opposites with money. One spends whatever they have as soon as they have it, the other barely buys anything and has hundreds sitting in their account.

My mum was a single parent and never had any money, we had everything we needed but clothes were always charity shops and Christmas presents she was given money by friends/family etc, and I knew I could never ask for anything. When I got my first job at 16 and could buy my own things it was amazing and ever since I've been very good with money and have never had to worry. She only ever worked part time/lived on benefits and I was determined to earn a decent salary for myself.

I have a good job but I am very careful and worry about money which is a direct reflection of having to behave like an adult with my ridiculous DM and being a lone parent with very little. I worry that this worry has been passed on.

My mum (single parent, mental health difficulties etc) was terrified of being in any debt at all to the point the house was a complete bomb site because she never, ever spent any money on it - even when she could have borrowed some money reasonably to do things to it. I remember things like wallpaper hanging off the walls, our boiler blowing up and catching fire, a huge crack along the wall next to the toilet that became damp with mould etc. I understood my mum was short of money and some of it was simple because it was all just too much for her mentally but as an adult now I just have this intense feeling of not wanting that for my own children. I was always really embarrassed about the state of my house growing up and basically now I will borrow money to afford to do stuff. I don’t think there’s any shame in debt for home improvements and stuff like that whereas my Mum wouldn’t dream of it - even though we lived in a large mortgage free house in SW London that she could have easily sold and downsized from or remortgaged to free up some money (she inherited it).

Me and a sibling were just talking about this the other day. My parents were really tight, we never got anything we wanted and sometimes things we needed. We both went a bit nuts when we left home and had out own money. Being able to have things we wanted was such a novelty. I'm not sure it really taught us anything though.

So a real mixed bag then.
It’s taken me into my thirties to pay off debts from younger years, only now am I making goals to save!

DM was a saver and knew what she had and what she needed to spend. This was fortunate as my father was utterly useless with money (and idle). We were skint for most of my childhood. He got us into so much debt that we had to sell up and move.

I've ways been careful with money and debt terrifies me.

Parents both had pretty low paid jobs so were very aware of cost control etc. It was in the era where my Mother had pots & envelopes to save cash each week towards bills and savings etc. We all knew how it worked as she used to open the weekly payslips on the kitchen table in front of us and we were aware of her counting money to got into each pot/envelope. She never made a big deal of it, it was just something she did every Friday. We knew that whatever was left over was going into the envelope for "rainy day" or savings. It was just an accepted fact that money for regular bills etc was put aside first. Loans and overdrafts weren't part of life for us/them. Yes, they had a mortgage and the colour TV was on weekly rental, but that was it.

I carried on that philosophy when I started working. Nearly 40 years later and I've never used an overdraft. Yes, I've had a couple of cars partly financed by bank loans (50%) and a mortgage (75% LTV), but no other credit. Well, actually, there was one time in my first low paid job when I didn't pay off my credit card in full the following month - I could only pay half of it (Christmas present plus study books both hit at the same time), but I knew I could pay it off the month after, and did.

My DM was excellent with money so although there was only my dad's wage as a decorator coming in, we never went without food, clothes and and week away in the UK each year. As I got older they prioritised my dream to go to uni but didn't have much extra to give me. I met DH at uni. How family had more money than mine but his dad was a bit parsimonious so he was as broke as me at uni.

Fast forward about 35 years and my DH is a high earner. We want for nothing. Our DD's went to private schools and came out of uni with no debt. We have taken them all over the world on holiday. However they both know the value of money and both stand on their own two feet money wise. We are going to help DD1 with a bit of money for a house deposit but it was not something expected by her. They are both very motivated to earn their own money. We have always been clear that we realise how lucky we are. I was a social worker before I retired and they understand there are many in a much less fortunate position.

My parents weren’t great with money. My dad earned a decent salary. My mother didn’t have a job until I was a teen, and her first years back at work earned little, though she eventually made fairly good money. We always had enough to eat, etc. But neither of my parents seemed able to save much. There was never extra money for things like school trips. I’m not sure exactly why that was the case. They didn’t have extravagant tastes. I expect a lot was frittered away.

I was aware that my parents worried quite a bit about money. In a direct reaction to this, I was determined to save from the time I first earned any money. My siblings are a mixed bag of savers and spenders.

Forgot to add. Despite identical upbringing, my brother is a nightmare with money. When he first started working he took out all kinds of credit cards, store cards, HP, etc., and basically regarded the credit limit on each as a target. He'd go to buy, say, a tandy car stereo, get a store card to pay for it, see they'd given him a £500 credit limit and he'd go back to the store to spend the rest! Same with clothes, etc. He's never been able to get it under control and still owes tens of thousands on storecards/credit cards 40 years later. He's had redundancy and pension lump sums and an inheritance, but instead of paying off his debt, he just spends it. And that's with the same sensible/controlled upbringing.

I grew up with a single Mum and not a lot of money, and while I'm not a particularly high earner I always make sure I have a safety net of savings and thanks to an inheritance I do own my own property. I have a few friends who still in their 30s live from wage packet to wage packet (not through circumstance, they earn good money and don't have dependents) and I just couldn't be that way as an adult.

I have a really strange attitude to money, and pretty sure if it came from my parents.

Growing up, we were very much asset rich and cash poor. I was raised in a gigantic house, and my parents owned lots of other property, but then there’d be a call from the bank and a mad scramble to pull money together, presumably to pay off an overdraft. My father would be offered the opportunity to buy another house (because people thought he was wealthy enough and local estate agents would call him if they knew a property needed to sell fast) and again there’s be a mad scramble of raiding piggy banks, and borrowing whatever they could.
They never sold anything. Just kept buying.

It meant I could never relax with money. As a child, I knew it could be taken from me, and never paid back.

As an adult, it’s something I struggle with. Lucky that we have two strong incomes and can save a lot (just bought a new house so saving towards that) but I still feel very insecure around actually spending those savings.

None of us were encouraged in to education. I was a very bright student but didn’t get any guidance from my parents so just kind of drifted around low paid jobs until my early twenties. My saving grace was my met my now-husband who had a secure job and good salary, and I realised I needed to focus on getting a good job if we were to be able to do nice things like live together in a nice city so I shifted my focus, and studied part-time while working.