did the way your parents managed money around you affect you....

[Arabiannightss]

Not sure on how to phrase the question...

I have cousins around the same age as me & my siblings.
Growing up my mum and dad didn’t have a lot of money, we didn’t go without, presents on special occasions but not always everything we asked for and it was definitely always known to us that we couldn’t afford to buy this and that.
I left formal education just before turning 18 to take a full time job, had various credit cards and loans, my siblings were the same. I imagine none of us will ever be in a position for a mortgage, no savings & mostly live hand to mouth, various jobs but mostly on the lower pay end of the scale.

In contrast my cousins were mostly given everything they wanted growing up, id say not to over the top but presents often and occasions a lot. My Aunt & uncle weren’t a hugely better off but had a mortgage and I imagine a lot went on credit at times but cousins didn’t want for nothing so to speak. Both went to Uni, both have good jobs, mortgages, savings.

So I wondered if their parents shielding them from ‘money troubles’ made the difference?

I’m desperate for my DC not to grow up to be Irresponsible with money so I’m pondering whether me saying oh we can’t afford this and that is hindering them?

It probably did, to some extent. We didn't have much money, they had to be very careful, but they made sure they could pay bills on time. My father grew up in extreme poverty, and thinking about it, the 'pay the bill the day it arrives' was probably his reaction to very uncertain times as a child.

So I didn't finish saying what I meant to, above - I've always been careful with money, never overdrawn, always pay off credit card each month.

I don’t think it’s dim to not know at 18 about credit cards and interest if no one has ever talked to you about it. The Martin Lewis show last week was a straight forward explaination of the basics of everything adults need to know aimed at children or adults who need to learn the basics. I sat down and watched it with my son and it led to more discussions about how we as a family spend money and why we have a decent amount.

Oh man! @user1497207191! My Mum used to do the envelope thing too! She'd sit on her bed when she'd got her pay packet and divvy it all up between the envelopes. Then she went and bought food. And then the money was gone.

As a child it frightened me that there was no money in her purse, I don't think I fully appreciated that all her envelopes were actually security, ensuring bills were paid and presents bought.

Mum was a single parent until I was in my teens when my Dad moved back in with us. He has/had a weird attitude to money. We were far more financially stable but he likes to be generous and put on a show of expensive hospitality. At home we had to live very frugally to pay for it.

How has it affected my attitude to money? Well Mum taught me about planning and saving. At school we learned how to manage a household budget and also about loans, credit cards, interest rates etc. Like many pp I went a bit bonkers when left to my own devices but came to my sense before things fucked up too much.

Now I value security, I'm a saver, have literally not one penny of debt and a significant cushion of savings. I went to Uni, am a property owner, dh and I have professional jobs. I don't really think having a comfortable childhood correlates with being good with money as an adult.

Grew up fairly poor,council house, factory work etc. Budgeting was crucial.

All had credit union savings accounts as children. Saved money from jobs as a child.

I've never been in debt am educated to OhD level, good income. So yes.

We were also poor. No carpets, toast for dinner poor.

I’ve never had debt other than my first car, I saved for a mortgage as did my siblings. We all own houses. We saved for holidays and Christmas was £25 a month into a separate account. This covered food and presents and not a penny more.
I’ve shopped in secondhand shops and brought secondhand furniture the same as my friends.

We are all now fairly comfortable with reduced mortgages or a few years left.

DSis travels the world! DSis2 started a gardening business and the youngest is a SAHP for now.

My Dad was always a tightwad when it came to anyone other than himself. I've definitely tried to be the opposite and I enjoy spending my money on my family. My mum had to really budget because of my Dad. She always did the accounts for small business and drilled it into us not to rely on credit. So much so that I didn't get a credit card till I was 25!
I did go a little bonkers when I started getting better paid jobs but I've now turned into my mum. Oh dear.
I save every month, I know I'm luck I can do this. I pay off my credit card every month and have an 11 year old car. But my kids clothes and shoes cost more than mine.

Beach comber and your dp now? Did they retain anything?

They did. They have a huge collection of assets, mainly property. They’ve never sold anything. Literally nothing. They bought their first house in the 60s for something like £3,000 and it’s probably yielding that a month in rent now.

As the years went on and as their debt went down, the constant scrambling to get money together to appease the bank eased, so I guess their risks paid off.

They’re now exceptionally comfortable in retirement and don’t have money worries. Everything has been paid off and they’re living well from their private pensions, and rental income.

They are also exceptionally generous. I can’t fault them for that but I do find it frustrating that they try to level the playing field so sometimes I feel I shouldn’t have bothered putting in all the hard work to get myself to a strong financial position, when my sister who has never worked has been given money by them to have a house mortgage free, new car ever few years, regular large gifts etc.
But I just have to remember that how they spend/give their money is none of my business and, ultimately, I’m very proud of what I’ve been able to do myself. Don’t get me wrong, they’ve given me some exceptionally generous gifts over the years which definitely accelerated things for me, but I’m financially stable without that. Though very grateful.

I would have expected the opposite to have happened from your OP.
Your parents sounded sensible, teaching you that you couldn't always just have things-so I would have thought it was more likely you'd have ended up savers, and avoiding debt.
Your cousins were given what they want with no effort, so could have easily spent without thinking about where it was coming from.

I grew up like you. If we wanted something it had to be needed for school or a present. If I wanted a bigger present it could be spread over several years-one present (tennis racquet) was 2 birthday/2 Christmas presents plus I paid half from my (£1.50 an hour!) wages.

I'm not as careful. eg. I love eating out. We do it quite a bit. If we're in town nearing lunchtime I'll nearly always sit down and have a drink with whichever dc is there. I find it is a great time for them to talk.
We did eat out occasionally as a family. My parents would buy one can/cup of coke between us and a Danish pastry. Heck, I don't even really like Danish pastries, but that was a major treat once or twice a year.
If the children want something then sometimes I'll buy it just because. If their (eg) desk broke, I'd buy another. Growing up it would have been mended as best df could (tbf he was excellent at woodwork) but if I'd wanted a new one then it would have been a present. (from MFI!)

My siblings otoh have stuck fairly closely to upbringing on money. part of it is dh is more relaxed, but more of it is me.

This weekend DP and I had a conversation about old school big fat TVs. I said "when I was little, we didn't even have a colour TV". DP said "you're not that old!" ( born Late/Mid 80s) I said "No, but we were that poor". We didn't get a colour TV until my great grandma died and we inherited hers. Probably no later than 93. My parents greatly hid our poverty. As we all got older, parents separated and both grew more wealthy. Both parents have a very different attitude to money. I was raised mostly by my mum. I'm happy to go without but if I have money I will buy thah thing I really deserve.

DP was well aware of his single mother's poverty and talks about it. As such, he saves loads. Once he earned 30k, everything above has gone into savings. I don't know what a saving is.

Just to add, my parents both grew up in extreme poverty. Not just “beans til payday” poverty but my father was taken out of school by the age of 10 and sent to work in a factory as his father had left and they were in dire straits.

His upbringing completely formed his relationship with money.

I dont know op.
I grew up in a poor income household. Money was discussed everyday. I cringed getting free school meals in a school where most didn't. My parents discouraged university and I was determined not to live like them. Spending on silly things then no money for essentials.

I am still quite sensible and frugal. Worked several jobs at uni etc. They made me determined to have a pension and sensible car. My mother still overspends on luxuries yet they never have a holiday. No savings. No pension plan.

I grew up in the 80s. Times where hard for a lot of people. My parents where terrible with money though, my dd could never hold a job down, and was always coming up with scenes to make money, money probably cost more than they brought in. Two of my siblings are terrible with money, both declaring bankruptcy in their mid thirties. Me and another sibling as so sensible with money. So it's hard to know what makes that happen

One thing though is my parents would say "you never went without". That's simply not true, yea we never starved but everything was always just enough, no bikes, no holiday no big days out.

Funnily enough my dad never did without cigarettes

I actually think money management should be taught in schools. Which is something Martin Lewis campaigns for as well. Good budgeting skills, understanding compound interest etc. Loads of people on here had asked for the mortgage holidays recently offered and were then gobsmacked when their repayments had gone up. So yes I think financial education would be a really good idea.

My Dad was financially abusive to my mum, paid minimal maintenance and continued to use money to coerce and manipulate me and my siblings into adulthood. I am no NC having stepped out of the FOG.

But I have also been in a financially abusing (among other abuse) relationship and have a complicated relationship with money. So I can see how it's transferred.

My df was what MN posters generally describe as financially abusive. He’s quite fixated on money, to an extraordinary degree sometimes. As dc we were constantly reminded of how poor we were, and he always encouraged “economies”, the rules of which were constantly changing. My abiding memory of my childhood was that I was always cold.
I used to love reading the Bunty and df used to buy it with his Sunday papers and collect my pocket money off me. When it went up by 2p I couldn’t afford it and he didn’t notice for a few weeks until I had run up a debt of 12p I couldn’t pay. I still remember the ear burning shame of being found out.
When I got my first job, and was still living at home, I paid for a gym membership so I could wash myself more than once a week.
In college, one of roommates surveyed a few of us to gather evidence for her parents that her allowance was unreasonably tight. I was too ashamed to admit that I had to manage on half of the amount she was complaining about, and account for every single penny to my df so he could judge it.
Once I was earning my own money I went off the rails, bought whatever I fancied and ran up a small debt. Back then debit cards weren’t a thing and you needed a credit card to book air travel but the banks wouldn’t give smaller limits because it suited them too well.
I had to pull myself together, and I have to some extent, but I’m not good with money. I find it easier to save by spending (buying in bulk, in sales) than to just save.

My parents finances went from: couldn’t pay bills, us walking everywhere because they couldn’t buy/run a car or bus fare and literally counting pennies for the food shop, to well off in my teens.

Unfortunately when they were really flush they didn’t save well and spent money on behaving like party animals I’ve worked since I was 17 and used my own wages for everything I wanted and because I’ve seen the hard times I’ve had a savings account since 13 which birthday money from relatives went into. I’ve been silly with it though swinging between saving properly and spending it.

I do remember as a preteen having an envelope with birthday money going missing and my mum saying my dad had thrown it away with the birthday cards by mistake. I was distraught at the ‘loss’, replacement money wasn’t offered and I now realise they probably used it to pay bills and didn’t tell me.

When I was 17 I gave them my savings and they paid it back with interest when it all went through ok (business deal) but I don’t remember what I did with it I have blocked a lot out of that time though.

After all of it I’m not that great with money but have improved as I’ve got older. We (dh and I) actually had plans to start saving my wage as my hours have increased, but redundancy (dh) has scuppered that. If dh can get a wage comparable to his previous one we’ll definitely give it a go.

I actually think money management should be taught in schools

They already potty train kids, teach them to tie laces and use knives and forks.

Parents should be responsible!!

I actually think money management should be taught in schools

They certainly should. It's something everyone needs to know. Unlike probably 90% of what is taught in schools that most people will never need to know and will quickly forget.

I grew up in a single parent family, very rare in the 70s. Mum had to do 3 part time jobs, we wore the neighbours kids hand me downs. I grew up knowing how important it was to work hard and save. I went to uni as a mature student and now in my late 40s am married, a home owner and financially comfortable - not wealthy but we have what we need. My experience of lack of money and living hand to mouth some months, watching my mum not eat so we could, made me even more determined to always have something in the bank, and I've never lived beyond my means.

Money management is taught at my sons school, in life skills lessons

Some really sad times for a lot it seems, thank you everyone for sharing, given me lots to think about.
I too think money management should be taught in schools, I mean it SHOULD be taught by parents but in my case as well as others it’s clearly not and has such an impact.
I can’t find it now but the comment about how the dad never went with cigarettes....that resonates!!

As an adult I now realise that we didn’t really have much growing up. Milk for cereal was rationed, my brother used to add water to bulk out his milk. There were too many mouths and not enough money to go round, no days out and hand me downs/ charity shop bought clothes.

As a result out of five of us, three are incredibly tight fisted, they do save but live incredibly frugally. I have a brother who spends as soon as he has money usually on motorbikes, he’s 40, rents a small one bed flat even though he has a relative good job with decent income. I’m far in terms of the things i do splurge on. My biggest fear is not having money to meet dc’s needs. I take quite big calculated risks in order to get where I want us to be financially. I save to invest in property, buy roughly 3/4 each year. I think most people wouldn’t think to buy investments before owning their own home but that’s what I’ve done, hopefully only for another 2 years now, thanks to covid! We have a lovely life, dc don’t want for anything, lots of extra curricular activities, days out and holidays. I do however refuse to buy them tat, they use their own pocket money.

I spent my twenties being clueless with money, no debts, I just didn’t understand finance, mortgages, investments. My thirties really have been about educating myself, I took some courses, started a business, invested in stocks, shares etc. Dc currently get pocket money, by 11 they’ll be shareholders of my limited company. Their dividend income will be used to pay for their own school / university fees. Dd 6 is already showing interest in business, during lockdown she started tie dye-ing t-shirts and hoodies which she sold to friends & family, the profit she donated to WWF.

It’s a real shame all this stuff isn’t taught in schools.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/2020/07/martin-lewis-financial-education-textbook-rolled-out-to-700-scho/

This is what Martin Lewis has been up to and good on him

Beach comber

So glad it paid off, many times it doesn't.

Please remember some families loose once valuable assets. Sometimes over the most daft things. Divorce, depression... (not daft) but can lead to strange desisions...
Rather than begrudge your sibling... Don't look at it in that way, just think, thankfully, neither dp had an affair and broke the family up, thankfully, neither were struck with issues leading to poor descion making...