did the way your parents managed money around you affect you....

[Arabiannightss]

Not sure on how to phrase the question...

I have cousins around the same age as me & my siblings.
Growing up my mum and dad didn’t have a lot of money, we didn’t go without, presents on special occasions but not always everything we asked for and it was definitely always known to us that we couldn’t afford to buy this and that.
I left formal education just before turning 18 to take a full time job, had various credit cards and loans, my siblings were the same. I imagine none of us will ever be in a position for a mortgage, no savings & mostly live hand to mouth, various jobs but mostly on the lower pay end of the scale.

In contrast my cousins were mostly given everything they wanted growing up, id say not to over the top but presents often and occasions a lot. My Aunt & uncle weren’t a hugely better off but had a mortgage and I imagine a lot went on credit at times but cousins didn’t want for nothing so to speak. Both went to Uni, both have good jobs, mortgages, savings.

So I wondered if their parents shielding them from ‘money troubles’ made the difference?

I’m desperate for my DC not to grow up to be Irresponsible with money so I’m pondering whether me saying oh we can’t afford this and that is hindering them?

We were very comfortable and my parents would magic my mistakes away that way. I was very disorganised and flippant with money in my 20s, never valued it and rarely checked my accounts. In my early 30s I'm responsible with a mortgage and savings, but it took a while. I would like my children to not worry about money and not have to think too much about it, but not have the same flippancy and lack of responsibility that I had.

On the other hand, bringing dc up talking about money all, the, time is also just as damaging!.
I know one family, 2 actually and its all they talk about, they can't be spontaneous, free, every single move is calculated through money glasses.
And yet they are very wealthy and they put this down to their constant monitoring.

However, I disagree. You do need to be careful, understand how to save, and that's all easier with earning a very large salary.
The dp seem frightened of their own wealth and act like paupers and the dc were raised to be equally fearful.
I feel frightened in the house and nervous because nothing ever seems enough. The mum sits in a 6 bedroom house with acres and acres all paid for, outright, laid paid for cars etc and cleaners, gardeners and she actually laments about her richer friends and how they don't have to to worry.
The money is a noose around their necks and they pat each other on the back for re using last year's Xmas paper or re gifting items and not buying any at all. Swerving any moment where one might need to buy anything.

There is no humour, laughter, it's very serious. To me that is just as improvorished as having no money.

So I do also try and teach and say to dc we need balance! And if we have the stability of savings, we can have a little splurge now and then.

Beach comber and your dp now? Did they retain anything?

I'd say I had a similar upbringing to you, in terms of knowing we had to be somewhat careful with money and that we couldn't just buy whatever we wanted, though luckily we did always have enough for essentials. But I think my attitude/way of handling money is much closer to that of your cousins.

I don't think my parents' attitude to money had a particular effect on me - I wasn't really aware of any specific attitude to money from them tbh. We were not wealthy, but pretty comfortable. Money wasn't really discussed tbh. What did affect me was their financial help. A few years into my first job (after university), they gave me a bit towards a deposit and volunteered to act as guarantors for my mortgage on my first flat.

I found a flatmate to share the rent, and was always able to pay the mortgage payments, but I wouldn't have been able to get a 2 bed flat without them as guarantors. That got me on the property ladder. These days (I'm late 40s with dh and dv) I'd say we are comfortable too, but definitely not wealthy. I guess my attitude to money is pretty similar to my parents'.

I think what made a difference more than anything was the lack of consistency / secrecy about money. I grew up in a single parent household, and one minute DM would be crying about the gas bill and getting annoyed because we were eating things too quickly, the next minute she'd be splashing out on something she fancied. Money was something Not To Be Mentioned or Questioned.

I had absolutely no idea how to manage money when I left home and as a result got myself into a huge mess - at one point in my twenties I owed £25k on 8 different credit cards. I'm much better now and not been in any unmanageable debt for a long long time, but sometimes I can see shades of my mum in how I do things - trying to save a tenner on the food shopping or by getting a discount on something, but then splashing out £100 on a new dress. Having savings but scared to spend them. Spending on something rash and extravagant then feeling panicked and regretting it afterwards even though we can just about afford it.

I don't think it harms children to understand money even at a young age, it's much better than it being a total mystery.

My parents would never save money and still to this day are like this. It is a scary position to be in. Didnt encourage FE in fact told us to get a job and dont think of going University as we needed to pay our way.

There are plenty of books you can get for kids about money management. Tell them as well, they should always save 10% of their money. it builds good money management skills.

My mother literally saved every penny- but had money.

I would be bought one pair of shoes which were supposed to last a year. Most of our clothes were hand me downs. I remember actually crying at 14 about not having anything nice to wear at an event. I didn't go through the make up phase when I was a teenager. I too literally went wild with my spending at 24. I was spending £75-100 on make up a month and had 32 MAC lipsticks at one point. Lots on clothing too but most of it was from H&M and Tesco so it could have been worse.

I calmed down and got semi serious about saving close to three years ago, after I came back and my thick wooden railing in my cupboard had actually broken in half under all the weight of everything I had hung up. I decided to a clothing ban and I'm more serious now at the age of 29. So it's been full learning circle. I mainly just spend my money on food and therapy now.

I actually do feel guilty for spending now though. I don't buy Christmas presents for my brother or my parents only for my two younger sisters and an aunt and often less than £30 each.

How old are you op? Are you resentful that you don't have a mortgage? you seem to be blaming your parents for all of this, the fact that you took credit cards straight away. why did you take credit cards straight away?

why are you blaming them for all this? What about your responsibility in all of this?

I was comfortable but not particularly well off, we never had a lot growing up.
I had 3 part time jobs at 14.

I never took credit cards and I chose to go to university and I paid for it myself to get through it and didn't take a student loan.

why are you blaming all of this on other people?

It affected me in a good way. I was brought up in a poor farming family, so we lived in a big house and I had a pony (because there were no extra costs as we had a stable and fields etc), but there was no spare cash for anything and I had to work on the farm to earn pocket money for clothes and makeup as I got older.

My mother brought me up to know that if you can't afford it, you don't buy it. You don't take out loans and you don't have credit cards. She was too much the other way and nearly had a nervous breakdown when I took out a £500 loan when I was 18. . We didn't have expensive brands and we never had the top of anything, ie I wanted Tiny Tears but got Teeny Tiny Tears etc.

It has stood me in good stead for life though. I bought my first house on my own having saved a good deposit. I did exams and bettered myself at work to earn more money. I saved for things rather than putting them on credit.

I will be bringing my daughter up the same way to realise that she doesn't need expensive clothing brands to be somebody, and that it is better to save for what you want than to get into debt over it. That it is better to go without than to get into credit card debt.

My parents were very sensible. They had a separate account for bills and I do the same. My mum said that although we didn't have much money. She never had to worry about paying a bill.

My parents earn a decent wage. Not well off but they are comfortable. However, all money went towards my parents’ savings, pension or home improvements so we didn’t get to enjoy holidays, new clothes or gifts. Even thought they could have afforded nice breaks, we went to caravans with the £10 vouchers from newspapers. I always had less than my peers, or my parents would buy me a naff, off-brand version that would inevitably break and I’d be called ungrateful.

My mum got me a cash-in-hand job with her cousin when I was 14 and that was it - I had to buy anything I wanted myself from then on. When I was 17 I got my first full time job, I was earning £800 a month and she insisted on taking a large chunk of that in rent. I’d heard of friends’ parents doing this and giving the money back to help with housing costs later down the line but my mum just kept mine to spend on herself.

I moved out at 21 and was so desperate to have all the things I’d never got from my parents that I went in heavily for credit cards, overdraft, catalogue accounts, etc. Got in a tonne of debt that I’m still paying back through Step Change at 30 years old.

I’ll be debt free in April and I have a decent savings cushion now. I’m much more sensible with money but there’s a balance. My mum puts savings above any enjoyment in life.

Growing up with a single parent where we had to hide from debt collector's and had a coin operated tv that we'd sometimes have to smash open for cash... I remember explicitly thinking I am not going to grow up and be like this. I think it made a permanent impact on me and I'd consider myself good with money and I have been able to pay all my bills on time, be in credit etc. I got my first job at 14 and have been saving ever since and saved enough for a deposit on my first flat by myself. My mum will ask to borrow money from me now, she still struggles.

My brother struggles with money though.

I am fortunate in that my parents were very stable. My dad made it clear that he used credit cards and always paid off in full. New purchases were well researched and considered. They normally ended up with a mid-range product.

I follow both these principles now.
personally, i think it s better to give children a small amount of pocket money so that they can start to build up the skills of working out what they can afford. Have a think about what you spend anyway on your DC for sweets / magazine / apps / and transfer the responsibility to them. You will probably save money this way.

My mum was in control of the finances and very controlling and tight. A certain number of pieces of fruit were bought once a week so we could each have one a day of each type for example. Biscuits were cheaper so we could eat lots of those. Result has not been good for my waistline. I recently found out she has hundreds of thousand saved in the bank but still lives the same tight fisted lifestyle.
I have always been good with money but my kids want for nothing. We discuss that things cost so they know what our mortgage Is etc and when booking holidays ( no holidays in my childhood) they hear how much they are and that It is a factor in where we go.
I do think it’s wrong to say nothing to children about money and then expect them to know how to handle their own money magically when they become adults. Mine both get pocket money and can spend it how they like. We also talk about Careers and that some are better paid than others but you won’t get one without hard work and qualifications. One of the good things private schools do is bring back successful alumni so the pupils aspire to and expect that kind of role for themselves.

My parents were sensible with money, we were on benefits for most of my childhood (temporary ill health, they both worked when we were small, and my dad works again now) but we always had enough for the basics and my grandparents paid for extras like big Christmas presents or a computer when I started secondary school.
I never worried about money and I was always expected to go to university and get a good job.
I was very lucky really, I was the right mix of 'clever but disadvantaged' that meant I then got a scholarship for uni.

I got my first part time job at 14 though, and am studying while working (well on mat leave) atm.

We still rent (early 30s, 2 DC) but saving for a (average 3 bed) house is a realistic goal for us.

DS1 is 4 and likes to do 'housework' for 'pocket money'...ie random coins I find in my purse and then he puts in his piggy bank.

@Oblomov20 I do blame them partly yes, I was never educated about money, just that we never had any, at 18 when I was offered a credit card with a huge limit I had no clue what the interest rate meant.
Their job as parents was to prepare me in some way for life in the adult world, I started this thread as I wondered if there was some sort of correlation as I would like to prevent my dc from making the same money mistakes I did.
I am doing something about it now but it’s taken me until my thirties to pay off for my mistakes when younger. Thankfully I am now paying into a pension and will shortly be able to start saving after paying off all my debts.

I also had a part time job at 14 and carried that on until I moved to a full time job at just shy of 18.
My mum would take housekeeping from me, usually half my wages, and I was free to spend the rest of whatever I liked, I would buy myself a monthly bus pass but the rest was frittered away on clothes and eating out, there was never any discussion about how I should save

My upbringing was similar to yours OP, and we have led a frugal lifestyle and brought our dc up the same. Although, still had a mortgage and a comfortable lifestyle, just not a lot of luxuries.
One earns a huge amount of 200K at 29, the other works for min wage + commission in a call centre. Yet to know with dd, but doubt she'll be a big earner like her sibling.

No - we wanted for nothing. Most spoilt kids I've ever heard of. Thousands spent on us at Xmas.

My sister and I have come out with very different attitudes to money. She is highly paid and will splurge her money as soon as she gets it. No mortgage and no savings. Spends it on other people too much to impress.

I am a saver and don't feel safe without at least £5k in the bank. I do buy nice things but only if I can afford them after savings etc. I am paid a modest salary (under £30k) but manage it well.

We're both university educated - her doctorate, me Masters.

At 18 you are a bit dim not to find out about terms and conditions before signing, you were an adult.
Yes, your parents could have taught you, but it's hardly their fault when you were an adult.

My DM took control of all the money. She made sure bills were paid, and there was money for food and clothes. She always withdrew cash from the bank as soon as she and my DF had been paid. If she didn't do that, he would have spent the lot in the pub. He was an alcoholic. It's made me very cautious around money, saving loads and not wanting to spend too much.

Yes probably a a bit dim but then as I said I had no idea what interest was as nobody had ever had that discussion with me and it wasn’t part of my education

My parents were weird with money. Always saying they didn't have enough but there were things I think they could've gone without but didn't.
My dad was the breadwinner, my narc mother refused to work however supposedly desperate the situation was at the time.
He always had a new car, every 2 to 3 years. Bought with part exchange but one car was still £8,000.
He would give my mum money every year to buy us clothes for school or the season, at least twice a year. Instead of buying us new stuff, she would take us to second hand stores and back then these were not the all singing wonderlands we all love now. They had no quality control. She used to even refer to one as the smelly shop because it stank of stale body odour. But she would but secondhand school stuff and clothes and then off she would dance to M&S and but herself a whole new seasons wardrobe for £££. She had no shame of it.
The only time my dad intervened was school shoes. Had to be new and had to be Clarks. I desperately wanted Kickers but nope. I also wasn't allowed name brand trainers or clothing
In fact the first time I got a pair of Adidas was a good school mate of mine. She would ask on the last day before the holidays what we all wanted as her dad would take her to New York and spend silly money on her to make up for him being an absent dad. I would never ask for anything and she would usually bring me back a CD of some American bands I liked back then like Backstreet boys. One year she bought me Adidas trainers and a Tommy Hilfiger top. I had to hide them at about friends house though.
Me, with my two, well, they get nice stuff. They've never had smelly shop clothes. Don't get me wrong neither are bothered by labels and I'm not a huge fan of the huge sweatshirts my DD is currently into but they dress nicely and have new shoes for school and new uniform every year (mine was bought for 1st year secondary and I was still wearing it in the last year even though the blazer was near my elbow).
I don't spend ridiculous sums but they don't go without.