did the way your parents managed money around you affect you....

[Arabiannightss]

Not sure on how to phrase the question...

I have cousins around the same age as me & my siblings.
Growing up my mum and dad didn’t have a lot of money, we didn’t go without, presents on special occasions but not always everything we asked for and it was definitely always known to us that we couldn’t afford to buy this and that.
I left formal education just before turning 18 to take a full time job, had various credit cards and loans, my siblings were the same. I imagine none of us will ever be in a position for a mortgage, no savings & mostly live hand to mouth, various jobs but mostly on the lower pay end of the scale.

In contrast my cousins were mostly given everything they wanted growing up, id say not to over the top but presents often and occasions a lot. My Aunt & uncle weren’t a hugely better off but had a mortgage and I imagine a lot went on credit at times but cousins didn’t want for nothing so to speak. Both went to Uni, both have good jobs, mortgages, savings.

So I wondered if their parents shielding them from ‘money troubles’ made the difference?

I’m desperate for my DC not to grow up to be Irresponsible with money so I’m pondering whether me saying oh we can’t afford this and that is hindering them?

Nothing awful like on here but yes both DH and I have been impacted by our parents' attitude to money. My mother was from a very well off family, land, London house, etc., father was professional. Mother had everything and was spoilt by her parents. They certainly funded her lifestyle and two divorces! She has lived extremely well, marvellous homes, cars, clothes, jewellery, etc. I have no doubt that she will have enjoyed every penny of my inheritance. Consequently I have never asked for anything, have always worked hard and saved (and accounted to myself for every penny). I wanted for absolutely nothing and on one level I do think it's important to experience nice things so that you want them and are prepared to work to have them.

DH is one of three. Parents both from very poor backgrounds, house bought 1959 for peanuts and with barely a mortgage because FIL was turned 30! Parents had good jobs (deputy head and engineer) but they could never let go of their poor childhoods and everything was scrimped and complained about - think the cake for four being stretched to five and counting of food. All three children worried about whether they had enough money; all three remember being hungry as children and sharing a cornet at Bridlington (one bloody corner between three of them). The house was (is) like the house that time forgot. MIL will spout that she has never had a 99 because she was poor. Two of DH's siblings went abroad as soon as they graduated and barely come back to the UK. They are late 50s now. DH came up to London and had a very very successful career. He is equally respectful of money as I am. But he has indulged the children in a way I wouldn't vis a vis school trips, he has signed the forms without a question, sometimes without even asking if the child wanted to go because he never could.

The saddest thing - when FIL died there was a million in the bank. MIL spent a lifetime only buying things in sales, always compromising and sometimes buying what she thought would do rather than what she liked.

My dad had a decent job but they got our house very cheap and paid it off early and he was a saver. It seems to have carried over to every one in my family except me although when I got with my dh I realized I was an okay saver, his family were extremely poor and although in slightly better circumstances (not brilliant though), are spenders with a capital 'S', in a lot of cases prioritising buying over bills which my mum and dad would never understand. They were cut your cloth people, but since they were never really poor I see now it might have been a bit easier for them to say

Sorry I meant slightly better circumstances than they WERE in, not better circumstances than my parents!

@Bulblasagne

Beach comber

So glad it paid off, many times it doesn't.

Please remember some families loose once valuable assets. Sometimes over the most daft things. Divorce, depression... (not daft) but can lead to strange desisions...
Rather than begrudge your sibling... Don't look at it in that way, just think, thankfully, neither dp had an affair and broke the family up, thankfully, neither were struck with issues leading to poor descion making...

I don’t recall making any posts in this thread in relation to my parents’ marital status, or mental health, so I’m not sure where this patronising “count yourself lucky” response came from. You literally know nothing about my family or what events we’ve gone through.

Also, I don’t begrudge my sister anything. I’m a bit bemused at how my parents insist on rescuing people, but that’s nothing to do with my sister.

I know what you mean. My parents managed their money well, I on the other hand was useless with money until well into adulthood and motherhood! Money has always burned a hole in my pocket.

I'm retired now so it doesn't matter, I have less to spend it on and can afford whatever I want but I often look back aghast at how freely I spent as a younger person.

We are what we are.

Don't worry about it, it will work itself out.

I've definitely been heavily influenced by my parents' attitude to money, in both positive and negative ways.

My parents were very careful with money, especially my Mum. I think that came from her childhood as she grew up in real poverty and I think always feared returning to that. She always knew literally exactly how much money she had, down to the coppers in her purse. I never saw myself as poor growing up but we had a pretty frugal lifestyle and thrift was certainly seen as a virtue. I was regularly warned of the dangers of debt and we never had anything that we couldn't pay up front for.
Those beliefs and behaviours are pretty much ingrained in me. I was at University in the 1980s, in the days when grants still existed. Most of my friends had overdrafts every year, apart from those with wealthy parents who bailed them out, but I never ran out of money. In fact I graduated with a few thousand pounds in the bank that I had saved from my grant. Apart from a mortgage I've never borrowed any money and I don't have a credit card. I have always lived well within my means and whilst I am not as obsessive as my Mum was, I am good at making money go a long way. My siblings are much the same.
It is largely a good thing as it means that we are financially secure and now completely debt free.
But on the negative side, I can't enjoy spending money, especially on myself. I feel guilty if I buy things that aren't essential and I worry about money unnecessarily. I don't even like other people spending money on me. When I'm asked what I want for my birthday or Christmas and I say "nothing" that's exactly what I mean.
I've tried to find something of a middle way for my children. I want them to grow up understanding how to manage money and to live within their means, but hopefully not to be quite as hung up about it as I am. Only time will tell if I have managed that though.

i can't understand how people buy things, frivolous things that they can't afford.
i couldn't do it. i wouldn't want to. i'd feel so anxious and insecure. to me it's one step away from stealing. how can you use and possess something before you've paid for it. like eating food before you've bought it. just seems wrong.
bills for utilities are different. but luxuries, like holidays, fancy cars etc, i don't understand it.
my parents would have had the same attitude. came from homesteader backgrounds, little cash, much hard work.

I'm not convinced the two are related.

My parents were always skint. My df was a gambler and still had 3 children in school when he retired at 66. He hated work and sneered at the idea of education for women.

Of five siblings, three of us have degrees and a fourth is a very senior nurse. We reacted in the opposite way. Couldn't get away from df's way of life fast enough,

Perhaps it's more related to schooling. We all went to grammar school. By 12 I'd seen how my class mates lived and had rejected my df's views. By 13 I was working at the weekends and by 16, full time in a factory during the summers, saving for university.

My parents taught us saving by not giving us our pocket money but instead adding £1 to our "bank book" each week (we'd get sweets and a magazine each week).

We could withdraw money from the account for things we wanted to buy.

My sister and I still have very different approaches to spending as adults though - I prioritise saving and she spends more, and more frequently. She's never been in debt, but I saved a lot more from a much lower salary as soon as I left uni. As it was, we bought a house a year earlier even though she's three years older, and she needed the money from our parents whereas for us it was just a bonus. (She also has no student debt as she went before the bigger fees came in).

My parents saved too much though - we never had specially nice things or trips, but my parents recently bought a second home outright. Their choice, of course, but even if they'd frittered a tiny fraction of those savings we could have had a few more treats.

My husband and I save a lot but spend to enjoy life too.

Yes, a big impact.

My parents weren’t remotely wealthy but had a decent house and car all through savings. They always knew exactly how much money they had in their joint account, would never have dreamt of putting anything on a credit card or taking out any kind of debt other than a mortgage.
I remember going shopping with my Mum and her friend and her friend mentioned that she was in her overdraft until payday and laughing about it and I remember my Mum’s confused face ... my Mum would never have used an overdraft and certainly would never have gone shopping on it.. If she didn’t have enough she would have waited until a week or month when she did. She never did much in the way of frivolous spending anyway.

I’m pretty similar really (although I do treat myself more) and I’m very glad that my DH is too although honestly I wouldn’t have settled down with someone if they’d been the kind of person happy to have a car loan and that sort of thing. We’re the kind of people that buy the best (not necessarily flashiest) car we can afford and drive it until we really, really need a new one.

My dad was self employed, there was talk daily about work, costs, how much to charge clients, debts, being too quiet with nothing to do and being too busy at times, being unable to book a holiday because of the fear of missing out on getting a job and through lack of money. We had a frugal upbringing but never went without, always got a small amount of pocket money a week and always got presents, though never expensive ones, at birthdays and Christmas. Saving was strongly encouraged by my parents, money from relatives for birthdays generally went into my building society account. Me and my siblings were expected to get jobs as teenagers and we gave 1/3 of our wages to mum. I think we were taught to be realistic and responsible about money. We all left home and got good jobs and have always been fully independent, except my poor sister who was really ill in her late 20s, at which point my parents took her in for a few years to look after her and once she was up to it, she got another job and resumed her financial independence. I think this is an important aspect of parenting that my parents got right. I’m trying to emulate this in an updated way.

My parents were moderately well paid (teachers) but had very high and clearly defined plans which meant they had to be careful about money on a day to day basis to be able to access it when it really mattered. So we ate liver and wore hand-me-downs and took a flas to the beach, but we travelled abroad before this was really a thing, and when my db turned out to be musically talented he had violin lessons from a real maestro.

The thing, my parents were good at joyful economics. Saving was fun, my mother had a tin where she put spare coins and we really did believe that tin was magical.

So when I went to uni, and later moved abroad, with limited career prospects, to marry a poor man, that was the attitude I took with me. This is going to be fun, let's see how much I can save of my student grant to go travelling in the summer.

They were generous too, never grudged presents or contributions to charity.
Over the years, I have got rather more self-indulgent. But still fairly careful.

There is quite a bit of academic research showing that your families financial circumstances massively effect you in later life. People with money growing up see money and things as resources to be managed and used to better there or their families lives, to create opportunities etc. Those without money growing up don’t learn that sort of thing as easily. They are in survival mode.

Having said that I grew up in poverty and deprived but did go to university and own my own home but I did make a lot of money mistakes when I was younger. You can learn it’s just harder.

@BluebellsGreenbells

I actually think money management should be taught in schools

They already potty train kids, teach them to tie laces and use knives and forks.

Parents should be responsible!!

Yes but potty training and that sort of the thing is an extra burden that some teachers have to take on. There are lots of other examples of things that teachers have to do but really shouldn’t.

Money management is different and should be part of the school curriculum.
We learnt lots of really random things at school in PSE for instance or General Studies. You could easily change the curriculum so that some things are removed and money management added - and not just one or two lessons but regular lessons over years.