I did something awful.

[Meowscles2020]

I need to tell someone this.
I fell pregnant with my 4th baby and after much shock a sense of excitement came over me. 3 wks after my pregnancy test i started to bleed a little and because of my history i got a scan to check it wasn't ectopic. There was no heartbeat but they thought i might of been been early so they discharged me. I knew it was a miscarriage but due to covid i wasn't allowed a medical management. Ive had two miscarriages before both were lasted a few months and needed tablets. I didn't have the strength to do that this still so i called my local sexual health service and asked for an abortion. I didn't tell them about the scank

[Meowscles2020]

Sorry
Didn't tell them about the scan
So i got my tablets and painkillers that way.
I know im awful and disgusting but i just couldn't go through a long miscarriage again

[Napqueen1234]

@Meowscles2020 that isn’t awful and you’re not a bad person. I’m sorry you had to go through that. You did what you felt was best to protect your physical and mental health. Make peace with yourself others would have done the same. Sorry for your MC .

[WisestIsShe]

I don't think you're awful. Be kind to yourself. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Eloisedublin123]

Why is that awful? Unless you skipped the q or something you did what you had to do (and I’m sorry for your loss)

[Saz12]

... what bit of that is you doing something awful? You’re doing the best you can with the hand you e been dealt.

Sorry for your miscarriages, awful for you to have to go through.

[unmarkedbythat]

No, Meowscles2020, you didn't do something awful, something awful happened to you.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[picklemewalnuts]

I'm sorry you needed to do that to get the care you needed.

No judgement here.

[Martinisarebetterdirty]

OP be kind to yourself - you are not awful at all. I’m sorry you are going through this.

[AvoidingRealHumans]

What is awful is that you had to do that in the first place.
You've done nothing wrong, don't be hard on yourself.

[RhapsodyandAshe]

That seems like a perfectly rational course of action in those circumstances.
This guilt feeling is probably related to grief.

[ChateauMargaux]

What is awful is that you did not get the care, compassion and medical trearment that you needed and deserved. I hope that you can find the support you need to get through this. Sending you a huge wave of love and hugs.

[BlueJay99]

You did not do anything wrong.
They were wrong to expect you to suffer like that.

[VimFuego101]

It's awful that Covid is pushing people to these kind of lengths to manage their own healthcare. You have every right to decide how you prefer a miscarriage to be handled, and I probably would have done the same thing. If I was going through this I would struggle to cope with the idea of waiting indefinitely for a miscarriage to happen on its own.

[Roomba]

Sorry for your loss, OP. Sounds like you made a decision many would, tbh. It seems ridiculous to me that the same treatment wasn't available to you in one circumstance but was available in another. Don't beat yourself about it, you've done nothing 'disgusting' in my opinion. I hope you're recovering from it all okay.

[WeeDangerousSpike]

No. You didn't do something awful. You took responsibility for your own health and took a perfectly sensible action, which was the right thing for you, in your own personal circumstances.

[Meowscles2020]

I hate the fact that on my medical records its an abortion not miscarriage. That my baby was called tissue. The abortion service in my area is very busy at the moment and i feel awful that i got a slot when someone else was in pain and needed it. My sister in law had a baby recently and its tough which is awful because ive got 3 and shes been trying for years with many losses. Todays a bad day.

[ArabellaScott]

I'm so sorry, OP. Sending you best wishes.

[Quartz2208]

I dont think you are awful or disgusting. You needed one

[TenDays]

You have done nothing wrong. You have suffered a lot and know how much pain you can take, and enough is enough. Be kind to yourself

[TableFlowerss]

You’re not awful at all OP 💐 hope you feel ok soon xxx

[Delphinium20]

I am so sorry you had to go through this. You are not awful at all. I think you did the only thing you could have considering the circumstances where I feel the medical professionals failed you. I presume you have young children at home who need care. You couldn't have gone through 2 months of a long, painful miscarriage and still parent. I admire you for taking care of yourself.

[OhCaptain]

You've done NOTHING wrong. You poor, poor thing. Please try to be kind to yourself.

You didn't take a slot that was needed by someone else because YOU needed it. It's absolutely not your fault that Covid prevented you from having the care you needed.

You did what was right for yourself and for your dc. You got yourself well.

And regardless of what your medical records say, you know your baby would have been loved and you know that it wasn't an abortion. It was a miscarriage and a sad loss.

[TinselTortoise]

Be kind to yourself OP. You did nothing wrong and did the best thing for yourself in shit circumstances. Have you anyone to talk to about this?

[Connieston]

You've done nothing wrong - you were in a tremendously difficult situation not least with three kids in the middle of a global pandemic and you managed as best you can. Miscarriages and abortions can both be hard to reconcile - you're grieving and things will seem especially confusing and upsetting at the moment. Take your time. You know the truth of what's happened. It's nobody else's business.

[Phoenix21]

I am so sorry you were forced into this position. Be kind to yourself