If you have robust mental health, how?

[Laverbreadeater]

I think its great at the moment so many people are opening up about their struggles with mental health and that there is less stigma about it even if support hasn't quite caught up! I myself struggle with anxiety and depression and over the past few years I have realised that so do many, many people perhaps even most people to some degree. However what I am interested in here is the people who do not suffer from mental health issues and in finding out why they think that is?

I have one close friend who falls into this catagory stable and at peace with herself which I am in awe of. I did ask her to try and explain why she thinks she is this way and she told me that she is pretty much always able to pinpoint quickly exactly what she is feeling and why which allows her to put thinks into perspective and take any action she needs to in order to sort things out. Sometimes that might be to take a break, eat something, have a nap or even just nothing and let the feeling pass. She is also good at balancing her life so she can manage things well. She had a tough time in her 20's as did I but she seems to have been able to use that as a learning experiance and lives her life now better because of it. While I still feel broken by my past at times.

If you are a strong person, how do you do it? Was it something you learned, did your parents teach you or is it just genetics?

Circumstances are the main part. My strategies work for me but I don't believe I've had more than my fair share of bad stuff. I have experienced break ups, miscarriages, serious family health issues.

Compartmentalisation and escapism into hobbies and interests helps me cope, and reminds me that my feelings relate to that specific thing, without taking hold of my life. So I knew I was sad and frustrated because of a miscarriage, but I still knew that I had a strong marriage, loving family, good job etc and I wouldn't let the negative feelings override those positives.

Low expectations of other people and life - and I keep the fuck away from most people to be honest. I’m fairly insular. I’m happy that way.

I’m a mental health nurse. I’ve seen a lot.

I was on antidepressants for decades and then I met DH. For 16 yrs I haven't needed them. I do have anxiety but it's managed without meds.
He is my lightning conductor... I touch him and my mental health improves... he takes away the terror

If I could reproduce him and put him in a little packet I would send him to all of you.

Literally years of therapy

I have good MH and the only occasions where it has dipped have been due to specific events (death of loved one, DC seriously ill in hospital).

As to why - I honestly think I was just born with it and that I've been lucky enough to have nothing truly terrible happen to me that's altered that. Both my DPs have good, robust MH and I was born into a happy, stable home and I had that for the first few years of my life and I've often thought that those happy formative years set me up for life.

I have cut all toxic people out of life and I put myself first.

For me, (awful childhood and no support now) it is to say that I can only rely on myself, and for that to work I need to be well.

Remain resilient, positive & be kind to yourself.

I tell myself, that without hope I have nothing.

So today is rubbish (I have had a virus for 3 days, I am overcoming lasting effects of Covid as well, I am tired, I am a single parent, but I hope I feel better by next week.

Thats what keeps me going.

I think it’s a combination of upbringing and brain chemistry.

Having a secure and loving upbringing helps, but also, like others have said, facing some adversity growing up helps too. I remember one of my friends from school had the most mollycoddled upbringing you can imagine, got absolutely everything she wanted, the slightest wobble of her lip would have everyone (family, teachers, friends) running to make it right. When we were around 18 her first boyfriend broke up with her, a fairly normal occurrence and right of passage for most young adults. She had a complete breakdown, had counselling, anti depressants, the works. For a teen breakup. Looking back, constantly getting everything she wanted all her life did her no favours and instilled zero resilience in her. I don’t speak to her any more but from what I hear, she has had struggles with her mental health.

Upbringing has to play a large part. I had an emotionally abusive and unavailable mother and it definitely has left its mark.
I think we have to give ourselves time to look after ourselves and our needs. I am brutal at this mind you but Im starting to realise that I need to help myself and not put everyone else first. I think because I was never taught in early life to put value on myself that I never have.
I have good faith in a higher power and this does help a lot.
Ive also been thinking of counselling, I did some sessions years ago and it really helped. Sometimes we are so busy we dont understand why we are feeling anxious or down and it gives us time to explore that.

*she has had struggles with her mental health throughout her life.

Also - I agree about compartmentalisation and escapism. When things are really hard I just get my head down, plough on, and ignore it as best as I can. I also try never to worry about things I cannot influence. It will either happen or it won't, but worrying is always wasted energy. Much better to put on some upbeat music and go for a run and forget about it!

I do get blue sometimes, everyone does but for me:

Accepting of circumstance outside of my control.
Understand my feelings and know they will change.
Understanding when things are crap, it wont always be the same.
Choosing a stable mind or strength, the alternative is poor mental health and distress, and I've seen where that leads to. I wont go there.
Knowing I need to model behaviour for my daughter.
Being independent, I am very introverted and often don't feel I need others.
Knowing exercise, healthy diet, water and rest really do help.
Music uplifts or gives me a fighting spirit.

I live by 'love many, trust few, learn to paddle your own canoe'.

Moanyhole I had a relative (who had had a pretty awful upbringing in my view) who would always say to me with some emphasis: put yourself first.

This always seemed an incongruous thing for a gentle, kind person to say but I realise now it was hard won wisdom.

And it doesn't mean you don't care for others of course (I realise now!), but you have to be "fit" yourself to do so.

I’ve always been a cheery type, but it’s contrasted with a very introspective and questioning streak

When things go wrong, I seem to use humour and self depreciating jokes to get it all out. I’ve had my share of shit - divorce, death, poverty, sexual assault...and I just seem to be able to move on

I don’t get bitter, don’t hold grudges, just see it all as life’s challenges. I actually think a lot of it is just natural, I don’t have to think about it that much

Life is a struggle, I don’t expect much else

Mindfulness

Pombear that is a really unpleasant post. Having poor mental health isn’t down to lack of
resilience.

I feel better when I have had enough sleep and also when I feel on shaky ground I know I need time alone doing nothing eg relaxing, which I find hard to do. Have got into some
Boxsets to help with this. Also a walk alone every day away from the kids during lockdown

I know of people who have been through horrific events yet have coped.

I'd hesitate before assuming that outward signs of coping actually mean anything, in reference to mental health. Plenty of people appear to 'cope' with trauma, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they have healthy relationships, for example. They might push people away, or be emotionally unavailable to their kids.

You don't really know how well someone is coping unless you are in a very intimate relationship with them.

Our culture tends to assume if you are holding down a job that you are essentially fine. It is such a poor benchmark for mental health.

@Yarr0w

Pombear that is a really unpleasant post. Having poor mental health isn’t down to lack of resilience.

In a lot of cases, you are right. But in this case I really think getting her own way, never being told no and never facing any adversity at all for her entire life really didn’t do her any favours when encountering adult issues that she couldn’t control.

@AbsentmindedWoman - as you have no idea who I am talking about, or what they have been through, you are being very presumptuous. These are people I know well enough to know if they are coping.

I don't know how we have got to this point where everyone is assumed to have poor mental health, and that no-one can deal with anything life throws at them.

I don't know how we have got to this point where everyone is assumed to have poor mental health, and that no-one can deal with anything life throws at them.

That's rather dismissive of people who have endured multiple traumas.

I'm glad that you know some folks who cope well (I guess, how are we defining this is another important question?) despite horrific events. I just don't think that 'coping well' is actually the norm, or something to be particularly admired in and of itself. Unfortunately, I think 'coping well' often means compartmentalisation and I don't believe that compartmentalising stuff, or just deciding to not think about traumatic events/ freezing it off in your head, is ultimately a healthy thing to do. Unprocessed and unresolved issues have a tendency to come back to bite you on the arse, perhaps even decades later. Or they manifest in subtly dysfunctional behaviour that outwardly seems to have no link to the original wound. Of course compartmentalising shitty stuff is a valid human response - it works to get you through the day, it keeps you your plates spinning.

It is also a valid human response to respond to trauma with being actively traumatised, and to suffer with poor mental health as a result.

I do think that almost everyone can heal though, if they can access the right resources - which of course is a whole other unfair ballgame.

I have very robust mental health, I think I it must be luck or genetics.
I had what some would class a terrible childhood, given up for adoption as a baby, adoptive dad died when I was young, adoptive mum rejected me, abused by step parent, chucked out at 17.
However I always see the positives, it's just how I see the world. I count my blessings, my cup is always half full and I don't blame my childhood for my adult decisions. I'm resilient, I can take criticism and when things go wrong just carry on, find another way, keep on keeping on.
I have a wonderful husband and children, a job I like and usually enough money to pay the bills, a few good friends, this for me is enough.
I don't know why I'm a positive person and I certainly have times when I get cross or fed up but I am able to shrug it off and count my blessings.
No clue why, it's just who I am.

That's rather dismissive of people who have endured multiple traumas.

I never said that, you are just wanting to pick a fight. I merely said that these days it appears that many people assume that everyone has poor mental health, when the reality is different. We continually hear about people who do have issues - and I have never said that they don't, my own aunt is no longer with us due to this - but we don't hear about those who manage to deal with trauma without developing bad mental health.

If you bothered to read this thread you will see there are many who state they have robust mental health, but you still don't believe that. Some people just have an ability to deal with what happens and move forward. If you are not one of those people then I am sorry for you, but don't presume to speak for everyone else.

@eaglejulesk I am not picking a fight with you. I am simply disagreeing with you, because I think being psychologically healthy is a rather complex thing. Yes, there are lots of people with great mental health. I just don't count people who repress their trauma in their numbers, even if they look fine on the outside.

Not sure why you are saying I presume to speak for everyone. I don't at all, I'm just sharing my opinion and viewpoint.

Best wishes to you.

@eaglejulesk with respect, you did say, "I don't know how we have got to this point where everyone is assumed to have poor mental health, and that no-one can deal with anything life throws at them", which yes, does read as dismissive to me.